by Allison Lane
“But that would also give him a motive for killing John.” She had twisted back to stare at him.
“True. Who would ever suspect a vicar?”
“Then why continue supporting him?”
“Think, Mary. If he changed, people would ask why.”
“Of course. And if he continues, you are bound to send him away.”
“But I may be wrong on every count. I haven’t one shred of evidence.”
“Have you spoken to Squire Church about this?”
He shook his head. “Isaac’s prejudices aside, every man in the area had reason to hate John. So I must ask myself what Isaac’s grievance was. If a vicar had cause to kill – and had already done so – why not a magistrate?”
“I cannot see him killing anyone.” Her hand gripped his arm. She had never considered any of her friends as potential murderers. Yet he was right. Everyone had hated John.
“I did not mean to distress you, Mary,” James murmured, covering her hand with his. “Do you care so much for him then?” His stomach twisted at the thought. He had not taken Isaac’s claim seriously when the man announced that he would take her to wife. Had she formed a tendre for him?
“I care for everyone,” she said sadly. “It distresses me to think of my friends and neighbors as potential killers. It was easier to think of the culprit in the abstract than to assign him a known face.”
“Perhaps I should cease sharing my information with you.” He stared into her eyes. Was this a crisis of nerves, or was she protecting someone?
“No. Not knowing would be worse.” Her voice was breathless, stirring the fires that she ignited every time they met. Her hand trembled. Those blue eyes were deep pools, swirling with conflicting emotions. But fear was not uppermost today. Nor was anger. He saw curiosity. Desire. Heat. Uncertainty?
“As you wish,” he whispered, moving close enough to blur the sight. “We will share.” Everything.” His lips touched hers. Lightning burst through his head as her hand clenched tighter.
He fought to keep it light, keep it nonthreatening, keep it simple. But his free arm slipped around her shoulders, pulling her closer.
She tensed.
Don’t frighten her, he admonished himself, holding part of his mind aloof so he could think. She dragged at his reason like opium, drawing him toward mind-numbing rapture with a promise of sensual pleasure. But the promise was a lie, at least for now.
Her lips softened as he brushed them lightly, then trembled as he angled his mouth across them. But she did not draw back. Her fingers released their grasp to slide around his neck. Her bosom pressed into his chest, each breast the perfect size to fill his hand, each point stabbing new desire into his loins.
He needed relief, craved it beyond even his next ragged breath. He wanted to deepen the kiss, wanted to pull her closer until every curve of her body touched his, wanted to rip—
No, he reminded himself again. This was not the time. He could fantasize later. One wrong move would wipe out every gain he’d made.
But it was already too late. His arm had tightened, imprisoning her against him. She stiffened, fighting free of his grasp.
“No!”
He let her go, knives stabbing his heart at the terror blazing in her eyes.
“Stop!” he ordered as she scrambled to her feet. “I won’t touch you again.”
“What—” She glanced back, her terror gradually fading when he made no move to rise.
“You cannot rush into the house until you have yourself under control,” he reminded her soothingly, though he had to swallow his pounding heart before he could talk. “You have guests.”
“Of course.” Her mind must be working again, for she was smoothing her gown and checking her hair. He spared a moment to exult that she had lost herself in that kiss.
“Sit down, Mary. Your face is white. If you swoon, I will have to catch you. I don’t want to break my word about touching you.”
She gingerly resumed her seat, but she was practically falling off the end of the bench.
He sighed. “What just happened?”
“Nothing, my lord. I told you once before that I was not available for dalliance. You should have listened.”
“I am not interested in dalliance. I could never dishonor you so.” It was true, he realized in shock. His desire was stronger than ever, but he would never be content with merely bedding her. He needed more. Much more.
“Stop,” she begged, but her eyes had widened in horror. He cursed himself for losing control of his face, allowing her to see his intentions. “I will leave as soon as my sisters are settled. You have no place in my future or I in yours.”
“Leave?” His head swirled.
“Now that Justin is home, I have no reason to stay. My widow’s portion will support me quite nicely. For once I will be able to live where and how I choose.”
He remained silent. What could he say? He had rushed his fences, pushing her into a decision he could not like. But argument would achieve nothing.
Her reaction to what had been a fairly chaste kiss showed just how rough Frederick must have been with her. He had no further doubts that she feared intimacy.
And the signs had been glaringly obvious – she flinched from any touch, froze at every compliment, grew fidgety if a man stood too close, and fled any hint of warmth. He should have listened harder to that voice warning him to proceed with caution. She had not been ready for a kiss.
But she was remarkably responsive. The kiss hadn’t terrified her half as much as her reaction to it – which would make her even more wary.
So he must fall back on light friendship, doing nothing to agitate her until he could win her trust.
But he would have her. That kiss had opened his eyes. No more dithering about the strength of his desire. No more debate over her place in his life. He loved her. Forever. Her recoil could not have hurt this deeply if his emotions were not fully engaged.
He quickly brought his face under control, thankful that she was nervously shredding the flowers she had clipped instead of looking at him.
He had a new goal – marriage. But first he must reestablish their partnership.
“I will not return to the house,” he decided aloud. They both needed time to settle. “But I will be back. We still have John’s murder to solve and questions about Frederick’s death to answer. Neither of us can learn enough singly. But I promise I will never hurt you. Nor will I touch you again without your consent.”
“Stubborn, aren’t you?” But only the slightest irritation twisted her face. “I will tell your friends that you were called away.”
She watched him leave, then wrapped her arms around her waist and shivered. What was she to do? She had understood his message, for he had hidden nothing. He wanted her – in his arms, in his bed. As his wife? That last had been less clear, but no more acceptable. Why couldn’t he have chosen someone else, someone who wanted what he could offer?
She did not. It wasn’t just the marriage bed she feared, though that was terrifying enough. He was an earl, with endless social obligations, including visits to court. She was a vicar’s daughter, who had never been more than ten miles from Ridgefield.
Somehow she must dissuade him. He could be relentless in pursuing his goals, as his determination to uncover John’s killer proved. It was one trait the twins had shared. But she could never wed again, especially into the peerage. Lords had to produce heirs. She had married Frederick in ignorance and tolerated him only because he had never returned to her bed. If she had to face that regularly, she would throw herself into the quarry.
James would not live in London, leaving his wife to run the estate. And how was she to face the gossips? They had raised their brows when she’d married Frederick, for she was unworthy to be a baroness. No one would accept her as a countess.
Are you sure? demanded that insidious voice. You would not be the first to leap to so high a station. And you enjoyed that, didn’t you?
Heat retur
ned. Yes, she had enjoyed it. Too much. She had never dreamed that kissing could feel so good.
Her lips tingled. She had never been kissed before. George had considered it improper outside of marriage, and Frederick had been too intent on that to bother. So she hadn’t expected the warmth, the melting desire, the sheer pleasure a kiss could bring.
Lies, of course. Like everything else, it was a plot to lure her into bed. But she would not succumb. She must keep her mind on truth and see that he understood the reality of their separate worlds.
Consoling herself that he would eventually admit defeat, she returned to the house, arriving in the drawing room doorway just as Justin finished a toast.
“—and may your futures be blessed.” He turned and smiled. “There you are, Mary.” His eyes narrowed for a brief moment. Could he tell what she had been doing in the rose garden? He must know that James had arrived with his friends. Heat crept across her face.
“What is the occasion?” she asked to distract his attention. Even the girls held small glasses of wine.
Caroline jumped up, but Edwin touched her arm. “Breathe first,” he murmured.
She complied. “I have accepted Edwin’s offer of marriage.”
“Wonderful!” Mary hugged her closely, suppressing her own fears. Edwin was a good man, she reminded herself. Quiet, studious, and loving. Very like her father. He would never hurt his wife. “Welcome to the family.”
“Thank you. I will cherish her.” He met her eyes, his own reflecting honesty.
She relaxed. And this explained Justin’s presence. Edwin must have spoken with him earlier. She suppressed the stab of pain over being excluded from the discussion. Family decisions were no longer her responsibility.
“Harry has offered for me,” said Amelia without warning.
This news wasn’t so welcome, and her pain was far worse. Why hadn’t Justin at least sought her opinion? He knew almost nothing about the girls’ suitors. But she no longer had any authority over the Northrups. And this validated her decision to move far away from Northfield, so she would escape these reminders in the future. She forced her lips into a smile.
“I love her,” Harry admitted, meeting her gaze.
“Then I must trust you to treat her well.”
“I will.” He must have read her doubts, for he continued, “In time, you will believe it.”
Justin handed her a glass of wine, repeating his toast. She waited until Justin and Harry were engrossed in conversation before drawing Amelia aside.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” she asked softly. “Harry seems a good man, but his reputation is not what I had hoped for.”
“Half the young men in London are known as libertines,” she said calmly. “Most settle into marriage. He swears it was no more than sowing wild oats, and he considers fidelity important. I spoke to Justin about that yesterday. He has known many men in his years in the army and confirmed that most engage in affairs in their youth. In his experience, those who conduct liaisons with married women have little respect for vows, but those who eschew matrons are likely to remain faithful. For all Harry’s wildness, I have heard no tales linking him with married ladies.”
“Perhaps he will make you happy, then,” she admitted grudgingly, though the fact that Justin considered him just like other men appalled her. Only a very few men were different enough to trust. Her father had been one, and she suspected Edwin was another. But she could not argue further. “Think about it. If you discover anything that makes you uncomfortable, call off the betrothal. I do not trust men who have been tempered in London excesses. Town bronze is merely a polite term for unbridled debauchery. Look what it did to Frederick.”
“London did not lead Frederick astray, Mary,” said Amelia. “Even Lord Ridgeway was not responsible. Frederick was cruel long before he set foot in the city. He was already a wastrel who preyed on the weak when Ridgeway befriended him. It was not a case of a master corrupting his pupil, but a meeting of kindred spirits.”
Amelia had voiced this sentiment before, but Mary had never listened. Believing it was tantamount to admitting that her father had sold her to a dissipated profligate. It was more comfortable to curse John for destroying a weak-willed boy, though she must then accept some of the blame herself, for John would not have cared about Frederick if not for her. And Frederick would not have been vulnerable to John’s evil if not for her.
Are you sure about that?
She frowned. If her understanding of men was deficient, then she might be making new mistakes. She could not chance alienating Amelia because she had judged Harry wrong.
So what was the truth? Had her father understood Frederick’s nature?
Vicar Layton had taken pride in knowing every resident of his parish, and he had been an astute judge of character. If he had knowingly contracted his only daughter to a lecherous wastrel, then he must have believed that she was a fallen woman.
No, claimed the voice. You are missing something.
Shaking off the pain, she reviewed the events of that autumn.
Her father had known he was dying, though he had not yet informed his children. Had illness affected his judgment? Frederick had been away at school for several years, so his peccadilloes might have been unknown outside the family – and to be honest, she had heard nothing against him. A father desperate to secure his daughter’s future might have convinced himself that all would be well, despite the groom’s tender years.
And Frederick had been young. They had wed when he was barely eighteen. Gentlemen rarely considered setting up their nurseries so soon. But impending death might have pushed her father into accepting an alliance he would otherwise have eschewed. Mary had already been twenty, and she had no dowry. Howard had been a university student with no prospects until he secured his own living. Where would she have gone once her father died? She could not have stayed at the vicarage.
But he’d had doubts, she realized, remembering their talk on the eve of her wedding. He had stressed Frederick’s youth and volatility, warning her that it would take time before he would grow into a steady companion. He had reminded her not to chastise him or question his decisions. Taking her place in society would require patience, for her bloodlines had been diluted through several generations. The other aristocratic wives would be watching her. And on and on.
She had listened with barely half an ear, and had completely missed his points. Because she was older, she had treated Frederick more as a young brother or son than as a husband – just as she had treated Justin, Amelia, and Caroline. And she had been so accustomed to running the vicarage that she had immediately taken charge of the Manor, changing routines without regard to tradition or custom.
Her manner may have been high-handed, but she had also been quick to accept blame for every problem – if she had satisfied him, he would not have left for London; if she had deferred to his judgment, even when he was wrong, he would have taken charge of Northfield and learned to run it; if his home had not become a battleground, he would have accepted her.
But her guilt hadn’t stopped there. She had honestly believed that her willfulness had forced him away, leading to every one of his subsequent problems – falling in with bad companions, indulging in all the vices that tempted green young men, squandering his inheritance, whiling away his life like the other wastrels that littered the city. Even John’s friendship had been her fault. John only took the youngster under his experienced wing to punish her.
The guilt had suffocated her, fueling the feelings of inadequacy she had suffered since childhood. Her mother had endured a long illness before her death, becoming querulous and finding fault with every effort to attend her. Once she was gone, Mary had assumed her place at the vicarage, but her efforts had never been good enough, a fact her father had pointed out often.
Of course you could not replace your mother, scoffed the voice. You were ten years old!
Which was true, she admitted. She had been held up to an impossible standar
d. No wonder she had felt unworthy.
And the gossip had aggravated that image. As had the gentlemen. First George had abandoned her. Then James. And finally Frederick. Only John had stayed, but he had used every incident to feed the gossip, raising new doubts in her mind and pouring on the guilt. It was all her fault.
No! No more. She was not responsible for any of it. She was innocent of ruining Frederick. His failings were rooted in his childhood. Perhaps he had hidden his true character when he had approached her father to ask for her hand. The previous baron’s death had been unexpected – an accident while hunting with friends – so his sudden desire to wed had seemed reasonable. He had needed someone responsible enough to raise his young siblings, and marriage would free him from his guardian.
Now that she thought about it, he had chosen her solely on those grounds. Providing an heir had never been mentioned. Nor had helping him with the estate.
So in his usual fashion, he had solved the immediate problems as quickly as possible, with no thought to the ultimate consequences. Like other young men, he had had no interest in a wife. He had probably not even heard the rumors about her. He had believed that a vicar’s daughter of advancing years would make an adequate substitute mother. All he wanted was to rid himself of responsibility and escape to London to resume the life his father’s death had interrupted.
So she had had nothing to do with his defection. Her actions had been no better or worse than anyone else’s. She was not perfect, but neither was she a pariah. She need look no further than Caro and Amelia for proof that she had accomplished something worthwhile.
The guilt slipped from her shoulders, first in a trickle, then a rush. She was free. Her head felt light for the first time in years. She wanted to laugh, to dance, to run.
She was free.
Amelia was chuckling over one of Harry’s stories. She had never looked happier. Would it stay like that?
She hoped so.
The girls would have better marriages than she had experienced. Each had found someone who cared for her. Neither felt pressured to wed out of duty or honor or any of the other reasons people committed matrimony.
