Three Sisters

by Bi Feiyu

  Yuxiu was seriously ill for several days; as she waited for what she hoped for, she felt only half-alive. But her underwear remained clean—no sign of her problem being solved. Obviously, the quinine hadn't worked either.

  Yumi, who was also pregnant, had grown lethargic and increasingly ill-tempered, forever ordering Yuxiu around for one thing or another. Yuxiu waited on her sister attentively, but her weakened state meant that she didn't always satisfy Yumi, who became even more demanding. Knowing she could not reveal her secret—if Yumi became suspicious, trouble was sure to follow—Yuxiu put on a happy face and did as she was told. Several times she was on the verge of collapse, but her strong will pulled her through. Her underwear, however, remained disappointingly pristine.

  Even after all she'd been through, Yuxiu's belly finally began to show. It wasn't noticeable to others, but she could feel the bulge. What worried her most, of course, was that others might spot the difference, so to be on the safe side, she began dressing in autumn clothes as soon as October arrived. She put on a spring-and-autumn blouse she'd brazenly borrowed from Yumi, and she walked into Yumi's bedroom and stood before the dressing mirror to examine the lower hem. Worried that it seemed to flare outward, she thrust out her chest and grabbed the hem with both hands, tugging and pulling until she was satisfied with what she saw, both from the front and from the side. But when she let go, the blouse stuck up like pouting lips. To deal with the damned thing, she stood before the mirror, twisting this way and that way for quite some time until her hands froze at the sight of Yumi, who was coolly watching her in the mirror.

  Yumi had been watching Yuxiu fuss over herself with great concentration, evidently trying out flirtatious and seductive poses. She opened her mouth to say something, but then changed her mind and looked away. Yuxiu will never change. She's barely started working, and she is already playing tricks. The little bitch simply refuses to cover her rear with her tail, preferring to stick it into the air and wag it whenever a male dog comes sniffing around. Doesn't she know how that looks? Of all a woman's afflictions, a flirtatious nature is the hardest to change.

  Yuxiu guarded her secret well until Little Tang, a woman with keen, perceptive, all-seeing eyes, stumbled on it. At noontime one day, Yuxiu went to the public toilet as usual. She was squatting there, holding her belt—actually nothing but a cord—in her teeth when Little Tang rushed in. Yuxiu wanted to greet Little Tang but, caught off guard, she overreacted and before she could say a word, the cord fell into the pit. Tang squatted down and chatted with Yuxiu for a moment, and when she stood up, she handed her own pant cord to Yuxiu. It had little value, but the gesture meant a great deal. Yuxiu refused it out of politeness, and in the process accidentally showed her belly. She was extra careful as always and sucked her belly in the moment it was exposed. But she was too young and inexperienced to realize that she had a light brown stretch mark that ran up to her navel. The significance of that mark escaped her, but not the worldly Little Tang, who reacted with surprise. She knew at once what was hidden behind that mark and glanced quickly at Yuxiu.

  That brief look of research and exploration confirmed her suspicions. Four months, give or take, and by the look of it, a boy. Little Tang laughed to herself derisively, Congratulations, Yuxiu. Then, with a sideways glance, she scolded the girl, "Why have you stopped coming to visit? You're always so sweet, calling me 'aunty this' and 'aunty that,' but you've obviously forgotten all about me."

  With a solicitous smile, Yuxiu tied her pants and left with Little Tang, responding to her with pleasantries. Obviously, she thought, I'm too petty. I've been avoiding Little Tang all this time, and she has forgotten what happened and still considers me a friend.

  It was midday the next time Yuxiu visited the accounting office. Little Tang had run into her in the dining hall and asked her to come by since Little Tang had to work on the books. Suffering from drowsiness, Yuxiu had wanted to take a nap, but she could not turn down Little Tang's warm and insistent invitation. So she went and sat down to eat fruit candy across from Little Tang for ten or fifteen minutes until the bookkeeper finished her work. Then they began to chat, just like before, with no sign of past unhappiness. Yuxiu was sleepy but happy, and Little Tang seemed as concerned as ever about the girl. But then she abruptly stopped talking and kept quiet for a long moment before resuming earnestly, "Yuxiu, apparently we're still not close enough. You don't treat me like a real friend."

  The sudden change of tone confused Yuxiu, who could only blink and stare at Little Tang. "Yuxiu," she said, going straight to the point, "if you're in some sort of trouble, you shouldn't hide it from me. I ask you, who besides me can help you? And who besides you would I help?"

  By then her eyes had fallen on the area beneath Yuxiu's breasts, quickening Yuxiu's heartbeat as she felt a slashing sound rise from her belly, as if Little Tang's gaze had opened it up, sending her secrets oozing out like intestines. Yuxiu paled as Little Tang quietly went over to shut the door so they could have a private heart-to-heart talk. When she returned, Yuxiu sat frozen, avoiding the woman's eyes. Little Tang walked up behind her, laid her hands on the girl's shoulders, and gently patted her. Feeling a warm current rise up inside her, Yuxiu turned and wrapped her arms around the waist of Little Tang, who knew exactly what was going on.

  "Whose is it?" she asked softly. Yuxiu looked up and shook her head over and over; she wanted to cry, but knew she couldn't, so she just let her mouth hang slack. She had never looked so ugly before, which aroused Little Tang's sympathy. She bent down and whispered into Yuxiu's ear, "Whose is it?"

  Yuxiu began crying so hard she could hardly breathe; strings of snot hung from her nose. As her own eyes reddened, Little Tang took Yuxiu's hands in hers.

  "Aunty, please help me," Yuxiu pleaded in a choking voice.

  Little Tang wiped tears from both her and Yuxiu's faces before repeating softly, "Whose is it?"

  "Aunty, I beg you. Please help me."

  Little Tang did not ask about the baby's father again, to Yuxiu's enormous relief. And she set out to help the girl in many areas. Nutrition, for instance.

  She warned Yuxiu that pregnancy was too important an event in the life of a woman, married or not, to be careless. They'd talk about what to do about the child later, but Yuxiu must take care of herself, for if she didn't, and her health suffered, no amount of fish or meat could bring it back. Yuxiu just nodded, listening to Little Tang without a word, since she had no ideas of her own.

  Tang prepared chicken broth, pork-rib soup, carp soup, and pig's foot soup that she sneaked into the accounting office. She made Yuxiu drink it all down, then forced her to eat the meat. She spent a good deal of her own money on Yuxiu's health and cared for her with the stern, strict manner of a loving mother, with no room for bargaining.

  Yuxiu might have been young and impetuous, but by being forced to eat and drink, she realized how lovingly Little Tang treated her, just like a mother, and she often cried as she ate. Whenever that happened, Little Tang cried with her, sometimes even harder than Yuxiu. Yuxiu was no longer worried about the future, for now she had someone to lean on. She cried mainly because of Little Tang, the sort of friend only rarely encountered; with a friend like that, Yuxiu could ask for nothing more. She did not feel the same depth of gratitude and emotional attachment toward her own mother that she felt toward Little Tang, who told her not to worry. "Leave it to me," Little Tang said, all but thumping her chest for emphasis.

  Being young, Yuxiu had a healthy appetite, and before a month had passed, she realized to her horror that her belly was growing at a frenzied pace and was now bulging noticeably. The baby inside, as if responding to her encouragement, had begun misbehaving, kicking here with little feet and thumping there with tiny hands. She reacted to the movements with an indescribable sense of affection, but this was overshadowed by panic. That little lump inside her was a person, one who slashed and gladdened her heart at the same time. Yuxiu went to tell Little Tang, even pulling up her top to show her bell
y there in the bookkeeping office. Surprised by what she saw, Little Tang sighed and said, "It's all my fault. I was too anxious and gave you too much nutrition too soon." But how could anyone blame Aunty Little Tang?

  Yuxiu's special nutritional regimen came to a halt that day, but her belly was like cadre assignments, which always grow, never shrink. Since her blouse could barely cover her belly, she cleverly wrapped it with a sash she fashioned out of lengths of fabric.

  "Aunty Little Tang, you won't tell anyone, will you?" she asked, clearly anxious. Little Tang was so upset she turned her back on Yuxiu and wept once again. Knowing she'd said the wrong thing, Yuxiu apologized abjectly for doubting her and, with great effort, managed to stop Little Tang's tears.

  The ideal solution, in Little Tang's view, was to go to the hospital, but timing was the key. Obviously, going too late was out of the question, but too early was nearly as bad. That sounded right, but Little Tang could not decide when the timing was right, and, since Yuxiu could not possibly know, she placed her faith in Aunty Little Tang. All she could do was nudge Little Tang every once in a while, but not too often, for fear that this might be misread as a lack of trust. Little Tang, for her part, had her own difficulties. She told Yuxiu that she'd gone to the hospital several times without entering and beat a hasty retreat the moment she saw the doctors. If she'd said what she was there for, Yuxiu's secret would be out. "You have no idea how bad doctors are at keeping secrets. They'll talk for sure," she said. That sounded convincing and reasonable to Yuxiu, who was appreciative of Aunty Little Tang's attention to every little detail.

  But a few days later, Yuxiu decided that she no longer had the luxury of worrying about that. "Go ahead, tell the doctors," she said. "They'll need to know sooner or later anyway."

  The days turned progressively cooler until the air was downright cold; for Yuxiu, that was a blessing. If not for the early arrival of winter, the changes in her body would have been obvious. So heaven had kindly dropped the temperature precipitously after a wintry rain, making it natural for her to put on her yellow overcoat. The weather warmed up for a few days after that, but the overcoat was not so out of place that it invited questions. That, unfortunately, was the only good news. Emotionally, the pressure did not lessen; if anything, it got worse because she learned that she could no longer rely on help from Little Tang.

  Little Tang made a special trip to see Yuxiu, and the moment Yuxiu saw her puffy eyes, she knew that something was terribly wrong. Little Tang told Yuxiu everything, how she'd gone to the hospital and sought out the director, but before Yuxiu's name even came up, the director turned suspicious. She said, "He asked me if my son had been 'fooling around' and 'made someone's belly big.'" She continued, "I'm a mother myself, what could I say?" Little Tang looked miserable and felt guilty about her selfishness as a mother; she was so unhappy she could not look Yuxiu in the eye.

  Despite her feelings of despair, Yuxiu was mature enough to understand Little Tang's predicament and knew she could not ask her to sacrifice her son for her sake. No mother would do that, for this was a matter of "personal conduct," something that could have a permanent impact on a person's future. Yuxiu had acted improperly at Little Tang's house once, leaving a bad impression. She felt terrible about the incident, and now, if Gao Wei were to be held responsible for what she'd done, heaven would strike her dead. Finding it impossible to lend any more help, Little Tang sobbed silently in front of Yuxiu, who felt guilty in the presence of Little Tang's tear-streaked face; self-loathing rose up inside her; her conscience was under attack. Little Tang's assistance had turned into a dead end, which meant that Yuxiu had reached a dead end, too. She wiped the tears from Little Tang's face and said to herself, Aunty, I'll have to wait till my next life to repay your kindness.

  This, in fact, was not the first time Yuxiu had thought about taking her own life. It was not a good end, but it was a way out. Seen from any angle, dying was a solution. She'd frightened herself when the thought first had occurred to her, but then a door opened in her mind and the fear disappeared. Once you close your eyes, she thought, you won't know anything anymore, so what's there to be afraid of?

  The idea brought relief and cheered her up a bit to her surprise. With her mind settled, she began to consider the possibilities, the first of which was the well in the yard in front of her office building, a deep, dark well. But she gave up on that after much thought because the blackness of the well seemed scarier than death. So what about hanging? No, she couldn't bring herself to do that either. Back in Wang Family Village, she'd seen a hanging corpse with blood oozing from the nostrils, upturned eyes, and a protruding tongue; it was a horrible sight. Yuxiu was too pretty to do that to herself, for even if she were to turn into a ghost, she wanted to be an attractive one. In the end, it came down to the water right there in front of the purchasing station. It was a good location, wide open with clear water; it was where she worked, and the retaining wall was neat and well constructed.

  Now that her mind was made up, she was no longer in a hurry to die. Relieved, she wanted to enjoy a few good days. If she lived another day, she'd enjoy life one more day; in fact, it would be a stolen day since she considered herself already dead. Finally she was able to get a good night's sleep and relish what she ate. The rice tasted better, the noodles tasted better, the steamed buns tasted better, even the peanuts and radishes tasted better; every bite brought her pleasure and enjoyment. Water tasted sweeter than ever. Yuxiu had a revelation: Life is good. There were so many things to enjoy, why hadn't she noticed them before? Once she began to take notice, every second and every minute felt different; she savored them all and, feeling the enticement of life, was suddenly unwilling to part with it. She began to cherish life again, which in turn brought her heartache. The biggest enemy of death is not the fear of death but the desire to live. It's great to be alive. It's wonderful to be alive! If not for her embarrassing belly, she'd rather, as the saying goes, "Plod along in this world than be buried in the earth beneath it."

  But her belly kept growing, bigger and bigger. Even with the overcoat, she still had to wrap it with a sash every morning, and she could not be too careful; the slightest misstep would be disastrous. Having her belly cinched like that did not actually hurt, but sometimes it made breathing difficult, which was worse. She could exhale but not inhale, since the air she sucked in was blocked, and that caused great discomfort. After all, breathing is different from everything else; you cannot stop, you rely on it every second of your life. For Yuxiu, some aspects of life had become the worst kind of torture. After nightfall, she'd relax a bit by secretly untying the sash and taking deep breaths; she felt wonderful and free, and it seemed that every pore in her body was thanking her. No amount of gold or silver could have bought such comfort. But feeling comfortable was one thing; her appearance was another.

  She could not bear to look at herself. You call that a figure? Is that really Yuxiu? She was a startling, scary sight to herself. She could not see her feet. They were blocked by a bulge, a protrusion that stretched her belly into a round, thin, inky, ugly balloon that would pop if pricked with a needle. With the belly unbound, the naughty little imp inside was so happy it couldn't keep its little paws quiet. It even knew how to tease her. When she put her hand on the left side, it would rush over to kick that spot, as if to remind her that it was still there. When she moved her hand to the right, it took no time for the imp to rush over and give her another kick, as if inviting her to come in for a visit. So she moved her hand around, left and right, here and there, sending the imp into a flurry of movement until, exhausted and upset, it began to ignore her.

  She whispered to herself, "Come, come over to Mama." Never imagining that she would say something like that, Yuxiu was shocked and stunned by how she had blurted out the word "Mama." She froze at the thought. But Yuxiu was going to be a mother. Tender feelings rose up inside, causing her shoulders to sag, as if she were gradually swirling into herself, one eddy after another. She seemed to be on t
he verge of total collapse as she thought to herself, Yuxiu, you're soon to be a mother; you're going to have your own child. Her heart constricted, nearly crushed by the thought. She could not face herself; she simply couldn't. She sat vacantly on the edge of the bed for a long time before snatching up the sash, wrapping it around her belly, and pulling at it, tighter and tighter, as if to crush herself. "Don't move again. Do you hear me?" she said to her belly. "It's your fault, and I'm going to crush you."