by Bi Feiyu
While she wanted to hate the baby, nothing could subdue the love she felt for it; they were bound by flesh and blood. Sometimes she'd think about only herself and at other times about the baby; she was happy sometimes and anguished at others. In the end, she could no longer tell how she felt. She was lost. She had originally planned to enjoy a pleasant New Year's holiday, since it wasn't far off and wouldn't last long. When it was over, she'd steel herself and end it all. But she abruptly changed her mind because she could not and would not live on. She was too tired and near the point of exhaustion and fatigue; a single day began to feel like a year. If she couldn't go on, then why force the issue? Why not end it early and save herself all that trouble? So one evening, when dinner was over, she finished her chores, hummed a few lines of Henan opera, and chatted briefly with Yumi. Then she locked herself in the room behind the kitchen, where she began combing and braiding her hair, making sure the braids were tight so they would not come loose in a strong wind or become unraveled from the motion of rolling waves. It would be terrible if her hair spread out in the water and gave her a crazed look. When her hair was done, she wrapped her wages in a piece of cloth and tucked the bundle under her pillow so Yumi could buy some nice clothes for her. She laid down the house key, turned out the light, and walked over to the cement pier at the grain-purchasing station.
The night sky was black; the air freezing cold. The wide river flowed past the station; a lake stood off in the distance. Nothing stirred on the surface of the water except the flickering lights on a couple of fishing boats, creating a static, gloomy chill. Yuxiu shivered as she walked down the cement steps all the way to the water's edge, where she dipped her right foot in to see how cold it was. An icy chill bored into her bones and quickly spread through her body. She pulled her foot out and stepped backward. But only for a moment. Don't tell me you're afraid of the cold, she mocked herself. You're here to die, so go ahead.
She took four steps into the water, stopping when it reached her knees and looking out at the eerie dark surface; there was nothing to see, but she sensed an empty vastness, a submerging depth. Tiny wavelets beat at the legs of her pants like small hands grabbing at her. Tiny hands that filled the watery depth reached out for her, each with many furry fingers cramming their way into her heart. A bone-piercing panic sent her back to dry land, where, because of her big belly, she fell the moment she reached the steps. Sprawled on the ground, she gulped down mouthfuls of air before she could get up and walk back toward the water. This time she did not get far before her thoughts grew tangled and she was gripped by fear. She managed only two steps.
Throw yourself in, she demanded. Go ahead, do it and everything will be fine. She couldn't do it. The terror of dying is the most intense right at the moment before death. Yuxiu shook all over, desperately wishing there was someone to push her. Standing up to her knees in water, she exhausted her courage and returned to dry land in despair. Death, naturally, begets greater despondence than life. But sometimes the reverse is true.
The purchasing station held a secret, which was that everyone at the station knew Yuxiu's secret. And that meant that all of Broken Bridge held a secret, which was that everyone in town knew Yuxiu's secret. She assumed that no one knew, but they all did. This is generally how private matters are treated. It is as if they were screened by a sheet of paper so flimsy it cannot withstand a simple poke but so sturdy that everyone will avoid it. Only country folk are so uncouth and impatient that they need to get to the bottom of things at once. Townsfolk aren't like that at all. Some things are not meant to be poked open; exposing them spoils the fun. What's the hurry? You cannot wrap fire in paper; sooner or later it will burn through and everything will be exposed. That is more spectacular, more appealing.
So everyone in Broken Bridge waited patiently; they were in no hurry. One fine day our comrades will reveal themselves, so let's wait and see. It won't take long. Why be in such a hurry if they're not? Really, there's no need.
The winter of 1971 was bitterly cold, particularly at the purchasing station, where the open space let the wind blow in from all directions. During lunch breaks the older employees preferred to stand in front of the wall, facing the sun for warmth. But not the younger ones—they had their own ways to keep warm. They gathered in groups in an open space to play shuttlecock or jump rope or play hawk catching a chicken. Yuxiu told everyone that she did not know how to play shuttlecock, but she actively participated in jumping rope and worked hard at hawk catching a chicken because that was a way to show that she was like everyone else. She tried her best, but her bulging clumsiness was revealed for all to see. It was a sight they enjoyed. She did relatively well jumping rope since that was something she could do alone. Hawk catching a chicken was different because it required the cooperation and coordination of all the "chickens." As part of the group, Yuxiu's obvious difference made her the weakest link, and this always led to the group's defeat. But the people preferred watching her play hawk catching a chicken over jumping rope, especially when she was last in line. The sluggish "tail" became the hawk's favorite target. But it was in no hurry to catch her; instead, just when it was about to get her in its clutches, it turned and attacked from the other side. As a result, Yuxiu was forced to keep dashing around without ever being able to catch up with the rest of the "chickens."
Her neck stretched out ahead of her as she was constantly being flung out of the team and onto the ground. It was an amusing sight to see her sprawled on the ground, where she took in little air no matter how hard she breathed. All she could do was open her mouth wide while more air went out than came in. It was even more entertaining when she tried to get up; lying flat on her back, she smiled like a flower in bloom but could not pick herself up. She looked like an overturned turtle that can only paw the air as it tries but fails to right itself. At such times, she had to roll over and then bend forward to push herself up onto her knees. Everyone laughed at the childish movements; so did she. "I've put on some weight," she'd say. No one would respond, unwilling to agree that she'd gained weight or refute that she'd gotten heavier. Consequently, her comment turned into a pointless monologue, devoid of any real significance.
The very pregnant Yumi took Yuxiu back to Wang Family Village for a short visit before the New Year's holiday. With the aid of a small, fast boat, they left in the morning and returned that afternoon. Yumi's return failed to cause a stir this time, for it was neither extravagant nor an attempt to grandstand. She didn't even leave her parents' house. When the boat was about to leave the pier, the villagers saw, to their surprise, Yumi and her entire family emerge dressed in new clothes. The Wang family now was enjoying a sudden rise in prosperity and influence. Though Yumi no longer lived in the village, the residents felt her presence everywhere; her understated moves and gestures were self-confident without seeming arrogant and exerted a powerful sway that carried a dominating authority. That was how Yumi conducted business these days—letting her actions speak for her. Her silence was more compelling than words.
The visit home reminded Yumi of Guo Qiaoqiao and Guo Zuo, who should have returned to Broken Bridge by then. She was worried and had reason to be. Qiaoqiao, after all, was Qiaoqiao. As for Guo Zuo, he was a nice enough young man, but he might have trouble dealing with Yuxiu, a fox fairy incarnate. Yumi could not watch over them all the time, and what if something funny were to happen? In fact, Yumi was more worried about Guo Zuo than Qiaoqiao. Unquestionably, she'd have preferred not to see either one of them, but this was their home, and they had every right to return to it. And when they did, she had to put on a happy face in the role of stepmother. Many days had passed, but there was no news from either Qiaoqiao or Guo Zuo, and this had transformed Yumi's concern into what might have seemed like anticipation. But whether she wished it or not, neither of them had returned home. What puzzled her was that Guo Jiaxing never mentioned them and acted as if they didn't exist.
Since he didn't talk about them, Yumi found no need to, but still she felt uneasy.
Once, when she could hold back no longer, she mentioned them to Yuxiu, who replied glumly, "They're not coming back. Qiaoqiao has already started work at the textile factory." That was all she said, and she had mentioned only Qiaoqiao, so how would she know that "they" wouldn't be back? Yuxiu had left before her sister could follow up with more questions. In any case, Yuxiu's prediction proved to be accurate. Qiaoqiao was nowhere to be seen even on New Year's Eve, and there was no sign of Guo Zuo.
Good news arrived shortly after the holiday, brought by none other than Yumi's baby. She had a girl, and everyone was happy, including Yumi, even though deep down she was disappointed. She'd hoped for a boy, having resolved even before she was married that her firstborn would be a boy. That determination was rooted in what had happened to her mother, who had spent half her life pregnant, giving birth to seven girls in a row. Why? So she could deliver an heir. Yumi had often thought that if she'd been a boy her mother would not have had to go through so much and that things in her family might have been drastically different. But most everything is difficult when you start out, and now it looked as if her mother's misfortune might repeat itself with her.
Convalescing in bed, Yumi felt bitter; angry at her daughter and at herself, though she could tell no one. Fortunately Guo Jiaxing was happy, exuding a genuine delight with having a child late in life. He's actually smiling, Yumi thought to herself. When has he ever shown such a cheerful side? That thought brought her some consolation. A mother gains status through her children, and now that Guo Jiaxing was fond of his new daughter, a good life was in store for Yumi. That alone made it worthwhile; and besides, she could have another child. What really surprised Yumi was the affection that her sister showed for the girl. Falling madly in love with the new baby, Yuxiu cradled her whenever she could, wearing a contented look that could belong only to a mother. After close observation, Yumi was convinced that Yuxiu was not putting on an act just to please her. She was truly fond of the baby—she could not have faked the look in her eyes, for eyes never lie. Who would ever have expected the little whore to love a child so much ? How strange. No wonder people say you should not judge a person by appearance alone.
For her monthlong confinement Yumi asked that Yuxiu be given a leave of absence from the purchasing station—where a work slowdown had already begun—so she could stay home and take care of Yumi. To be fair, Yuxiu was devoted to the child's needs, especially at night. Once mother and child were home, Yuxiu began sleeping in her clothes so she could respond as soon as she was called.
Obviously, the fox fairy had learned her lesson and grown up. Secretly overjoyed, Yumi moved Yuxiu's bed out of the kitchen and turned everything over to her at night except for breast-feeding. The major task, of course, involved diapers, and Yuxiu's reaction to them pleased Yumi. Yuxiu didn't mind the dirty diapers. Diapers are a good measure of whether one genuinely likes a baby or not. Most women can ignore the filth only when it is their own baby; if it's someone else's, they find it intolerable. But Yuxiu acted like a loving aunt and, in fact, seemed more like the baby's mother than Yumi in some ways. She had virtually grown up overnight. Her overcoat was sometimes soiled while she was changing the baby, but she simply wiped it off with a damp cloth and said nothing. It got so dirty that it was nearly unrecognizable. To get Yuxiu to wash it, Yumi tried to give her a wool coat belonging to Guo Jiaxing's first wife. But each time Yuxiu merely turned and clapped her hands at the baby.
"Baby's shit is aunties' sauce, and aunty wants it at every meal," she said.
She and Yumi had grown closer, chatting during lulls in the day's busy schedule like true sisters. This had never happened before. Yumi marveled at the change in their relationship. They were sisters who, by definition, ought to be close and yet had been mortal enemies, and now they were growing close like sisters ought to be.
As they cared for the baby, there was no end to what they talked about. Yumi even brought up Yuxiu's prospects for marriage.
"Don't worry. As your older sister, I've been keeping an eye out for you," Yumi said. Yuxiu rarely responded when that subject came up. "Nothing to worry about. It's something every woman has to go through," Yumi said as she tried to console Yuxiu, because she had experienced it all herself.
Touched by her sister's concern, Yuxiu nearly wept; she felt like burying herself in her sister's embrace, telling her everything, and having a good cry. But she held back each time. She was worried that one day she might break down and tell Yumi, whose temper she knew too well. Yumi could be as nice as a bodhisattva when things were going well, but if she learned the truth, she could turn against her. Yumi had the capacity to do cruel things.
On the surface, the baby Yuxiu carried in her arms was Yumi's, but she treated her as if she were her own, hers and Guo Zuo's. It was a puzzling illusion. Yumi's daughter slept soundly in her arms while her own unborn baby was as good as dead, even though it was alive and kicking inside her at the moment. Yumi and Yuxiu were sisters, and both of their babies had been fathered by men of the Guo family. Yuxiu could only sigh. What disconcerted her most was when her baby moved while she was holding her little niece. With a baby in her arms and another one in her belly, she was disturbed and taunted by the churlish, clinging, willful movements inside her. At moments like that, she felt as if she were falling apart; but she didn't dare cry. All she could do was open her eyes wide and look around, even if she had no idea what she was searching for. She just kept at it, but in vain, since there was nothing for her.
Yuxiu decided upon death after all. What's the point in clinging to life like this? How could you be so gutless? How could you have so little self-respect? Only death will save face for you and your child. Yuxiu, have some self-respect, will you? So she went to the pier once more. The weather was not good that night, with winds howling all around her, turning the night even bleaker and more savage than before. Some of her determination evaporated the moment she stepped out the door, but this time she was calmer, imbued with an approach befitting someone who was not afraid to die. Having been there before, she calmly stood at the water's edge. The first time is hard, the second time easier. She truly believed she'd be successful this time. It occurred to her that she ought to untie the sash and set the little one free to run a bit; not to do so would be too cruel. But her foot had barely touched the water when violent spasms erupted in her belly. The little imp, startled, incensed, and outraged, was wreaking havoc. She pulled her foot back and blurted out, "My poor baby." The baby was hurling its anger at Yuxiu, who froze and felt her steely determination soften bit by bit. The fetus kept moving, but its movements then turned gentle as if it were helplessly pleading with her. She sensed a knot tighten inside as something surged up into her throat; she opened her mouth and threw up. Yuxiu backed up onto the bank, vomiting until there was nothing left. The look in her eyes hardened. Suddenly angry, she looked up and said with a contemptuous ferocity, "I haven't an ounce of self-respect. I'm not going to die. If you think you can put a knife in me, go ahead and try."
Life gets easier when your heart is dead or paralyzed. No knife falls from the sky, and life goes on. Life is not a millstone that requires daily turning; it keeps going on its own, and you must simply follow along. Yuxiu treated herself as if she were the baby's bed and blanket, telling herself that even deities cannot do anything to you so long as you don't call yourself human.
The third month soon arrived. Trying to keep her mind blank, Yuxiu often dozed off sitting behind the scale. One afternoon, her father arrived at the purchasing station, having hitched a ride on a boat from Wang Family Village. With a faux leather briefcase in hand, he stood before Yuxiu smiling broadly. She looked up and snapped out of her somnolence the moment she saw him. Craning his neck forward, he beamed proudly at his daughter. Not expecting to see him there, Yuxiu was puzzled but nonetheless happy. Even so, she did not want the others to see her father's affectionate look, so she pulled a long face and asked, "What are you doing here?"
Without answering her questio
n, Wang stepped on the scale. "See how much I weigh."
She looked around and said, "Get down."
He ignored her. "Come on, tell me how much I weigh."
"I said get off that." Yuxiu was clearly unhappy, but her father would not relent. He just kept smiling.
"How much do I weigh?"
"Two-fifty," she said, using a term that meant dimwit, which only made him smile even more broadly.
"Little tramp," he said. Without getting off the scale, he turned and explained quite redundantly to the people around them, "She's my daughter, number three." He sounded proud, with a hint of tenderness. Then he stepped off the scale and began to chat with her coworkers as he passed out cigarettes. He asked about their family backgrounds, their ages, the year they joined the revolution, the number of their brothers and sisters. He was smiling the whole time and seemed pleased by the answers he got. Making a circle in the air with his arms, he rallied everyone: "You must stand together." He sounded like a man giving a report on current affairs and political missions. Everyone puffed on the cigarettes and wordlessly turned to look at Yuxiu. This had no effect on Wang, who, still smiling, took out his cigarettes and passed them around again.
Wang Lianfang stayed at Yumi's place in the government compound, which upset Guo Jiaxing, though he could not say so because Wang was, after all, his father-in-law. So Guo moped around with a long face; but as that was his customary look, it was hard to tell what he was thinking.
Wang did not care that Guo Jiaxing ignored him or that Yumi did as well. His granddaughter was the only one whom he wanted to talk to, reading People's Daily to her as she lay in her cradle. She gradually got used to Wang's voice and would cry and fuss if he stopped reading the paper. She would quiet down only when he resumed this important activity. Whenever he could, he'd sit down beside the cradle and wave the paper in his hand. "Listen up, comrades. Ah—be good. Let the meeting begin. The meeting is called to order."
