“I don’t know either, maybe I hated him because of the way he treated my mother and he hated me because I was weak and always took my mom’s side.”
Carrington’s eyebrows squished together and she looked off in the distance as she frowned. She remained quiet, so I continued.
“I admit it. I was a little shit growing up and in high school I got into some trouble and my dad sent me to military school for a year. My mom didn’t want me to go, but my father insisted. She killed herself two months after I left.”
"Oh my God. Josh I am so sorry.” Carrington scooted closer and stroked my arm. I kept talking.
"She took a bunch of pills with alcohol and went to sleep." Carrington blinked back tears and I watched as she took in everything I was telling her. I thought I had gotten over my mom's death, but seeing it affect Carrington hurt. I never wanted to cause her pain. I wrapped my arms around her and held her.
"Did she leave you a note or tell you what pushed her over the edge?"
"She left me a message on my phone."
Carrington sat up.
"What did it say?"
I recited the message to Carrington. I’d listened to it so often, I knew it by heart.
Hi my sweet Joy. I wanted to let you know that I love you and I am so proud of the man you are becoming. You have to know I would never have done this if I didn't think you could handle everything. You are strong and brave, not like me. Please don't blame yourself. I hope you realize how hard this was for me to leave you. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I have my reasons. Don't blame your father either. He doesn't know any better. I love you Joshie, my Joy. Stay true to your sweet heart.
Tears ran down Carrington’s face and she tried to speak. Her voice faltered.
“Oh, wow, Josh,” she muttered.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have told you all this. It happened a long time ago.”
"No, I’m glad you told me.”
“You know I’ve never told anyone about her message.”
“Not even your sisters?”
“No, Amanda could not have handled it and Erin was so weird when my mom died.
Carrington stared back out at the balcony.
“What?”
“It just all seems like a waste.”
“What do you mean?”
"Well, maybe your mother on some level still loved your dad and that's why she never left."
"Yeah, maybe."
"I may sound naive, but there is something beautiful about believing love will conquer all."
“Seems kind of idealistic, don’t you think?”
"Maybe, but wouldn’t it be crazy if your father believed it, too. And maybe that’s why he resents you so much because he thought his wife loved you more.”
“Come on Carrington, this isn’t Macbeth where talking about. They were doomed from the beginning, they were just too stupid to realize it.”
“Maybe they were too much in love to realize it.”
"Well if that’s the case, maybe there is hope for us,” I joked, but Carrington didn’t find it funny. She stood up and headed back on the balcony. I left her alone.
Carrington returned to the couch a few minutes later. She sat down next to me and took my hand. I relaxed when I looked in her eyes and saw that my demons hadn’t scared her.
I spent thousands of dollars on therapy, but I never felt as calm and my brain had never been so quiet.
I started pulling her close and leaned in to kiss her, but she turned away. I tried not to take it personal.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"No, don't be sorry. I know this was a lot to take."
"It's not that."
"What is it?"
"Your parents’ story. It’s like us, and I see you trying to make sure we have a different ending, but it’s too much. Josh I can’t be this …I don’t want to be your escape from some predetermined tragedy. It’s too much pressure.”
I smiled and held her face, because I wanted to make sure she saw me and understood.
"Carrington, you are not my escape. Because I don’t need to escape anymore.” I brushed my lips across hers and that sealed it for me. “Don’t you see? You’re my heart … You’re my life."
***
Carrington Olivia Butler
In my eighteen years of wishing and hoping to become someone's something, I never thought about what it would be like being someone's everything.
The pressure pushed on my chest and it made it hard for me to breathe.
After the party and the escape and the deep conversation, I was exhausted. Josh and I headed to bed, which I welcomed if only so I didn’t have to acknowledge his last statement. We crawled in under the covers, and Josh fell fast asleep. I tossed and turned for a few hours, but finally gave up. I thought a bath would clear my head, but I caught a glimpse of the sun peeking over the horizon. I grabbed a jacket and headed to the beach.
I took off my shoes and squished my toes in the sand. I have lived in Florida for three months and never been to the beach. The vastness of it overwhelmed my senses. I smelled the salt water, and it cleansed and cleared out my head. I walked closer to the water and let the waves rush over my feet up to my shins.
"You're my life," kept ringing through my ears. I hated to admit it because I thought I was the kind of girl who found and fell in love hard. I loved all that mushy romantic stuff. I cried over happy endings. I wanted an endless love. Josh was giving me that and I should be happy.
So, why do I feel so nauseous?
I understood how hard it was for Josh to open up to me like that, but I couldn’t help notice a connection between his parents’ story and us. I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe we were doomed, too.
Our relationship flashed through my mind.
There were so many red flags, but I chose not to focus on them because being with Josh was exciting and new. The baseball stadiums, family gatherings, philandering brother-in-laws, and socially stunted overprotective sisters each would be enough to make an ordinary girl hightail it and run.
My family seemed normal in comparison.
So, why do I stay?
I wanted a fairy tale, but I want it at the right time and place.
Josh's do or die, now or never, love last forever brand of togetherness was too much to take.
Maybe I was too practical for love. Matt loved me more than I loved him, and it ended in him hating me. Josh charmed me into liking him and gave me the attention I craved.
I looked back up at the balcony and noticed Josh peeking over the edge watching me. What would he do if I took off and never came back? Or worse, what if I walked into the ocean and never came out?
Don’t be dramatic, Carrington.
The alternative to being with Josh wasn't killing myself. I shivered thinking about his mother.
Josh needed a jolt, something drastic to happen to make him understand how normal people lived—a dose of reality.
God, why is this so hard?
Why couldn’t I meet a nice guy, a simple guy with no issues? Why couldn’t I find someone to study with and go to parties and cheer at football games with? I was in college, dammit. I wanted to get drunk and cheer Chief Osceola as he slammed the spear into the ground and stormed the field after we kicked Florida’s ass. I wanted to get swept up in all the hype and meet a certain star quarterback, with brown hair and a smile that lit up the sky, on the fifty-yard line and make out in the sea of students.
Whoa! Where did that come from?
I hadn’t thought about Jackson since the last time I ran into him at the frat house. That was weeks ago. I pushed him out of my mind when Josh and I got serious.
Why did my mind go there?
I had no interest in Jackson.
Although, the way the sun reflected off the ocean reminded me of the color of his eyes and when he took his helmet off on the sideline, his strong hands would wipe the sweat off his face, and I imagined sucking the sweat off each and every finger.
/> Yeah, see, I swear he never entered my mind until today.
Lusting over Jackson…not the best use of my time.
I stood up and dusted the sand off my butt. I needed to talk to Josh. I needed to explain to him how much I enjoyed being with him, but I wasn't ready for happily ever after.
I turned back to the condo and then back to the ocean, back to the condo and back to the ocean again.
I was stuck and scared, I sat back down in the sand and winced as it cut into the back of my ankles. I pushed the sand around and created small mounds and then smashed them with my fist until it disappeared. I watched the sun make its appearance into the sky and crest over the water and sway like it hung from an imaginary string. It rose higher and higher and by the time it made its apex over the horizon, I knew what I needed to do.
Chapter Nineteen
Joshua Elijah Griffin, IV
When Carrington returned from her walk, she seemed different, but I kept quiet. I had learned myself that those walks had a way of changing a person's perspective on life—best to let the person work it out on their own.
I stood in the kitchen making breakfast when Carrington walked back in from the bedroom. She pulled on one of my sweatshirts. I wanted her right then and there, but I waited and watched.
"You hungry?" I asked.
"Yes, starving."
She sat on a barstool at the counter and watched me with her nose all wrinkled in the cutest manner. I wanted to tell her that I loved her like this, when it was easy and relaxed. We needed more moments like this.
I put the food on two plates and set them on the counter next to her. I grabbed some orange juice from the refrigerator and sat on the stool next to her.
Carrington took a huge fork full of the eggs and potatoes. My stomach growled watching her eat.
"This is amazing." She took another bite, and bliss showed bright behind her eyes.
"You like it?"
"Umm hmm. Yummy."
We ate and watching her enjoy it made me happy. I could watch her smile all day. It was that simple. I wanted to hang out with her like this for the rest of my life.
"I didn't know you knew how to cook."
"There's a lot you don't know about me."
"Oh, yeah, like what else. Tell me something I don't know. Shock me."
The sweetness tinged with sexiness twinkled the side of her eyes.
I stood up and moved over to stand between her legs.
"You have no idea how much I want you right now." I took her ankle and rubbed it across the front of my shorts.
Her sexy grin told me what I needed to know. She wanted me. The way she looked, she never hid it.
My girl was turned on.
"I could have guessed that. Tell me something else," she said, replacing her foot with the back of her hand.
"Okay, do you know how fucking sexy you are?"
"Yeah, I know that, too."
"Okay, I have something else to tell you." I grabbed her legs and wrapped them around my waist. "Come here."
I crashed into her; my waist, my chest, my lips all fused into her, and just like that, we connected again.
I carried her over to the couch and laid her down, but she pushed me down beside her and crawled on my lap, pressing into me and kissing me deep and hard. She suffocated me with her lips. She grabbed my arms and pressed them down to my side as she ground herself into my lap. When I tried to touch her, she removed my hands and put them back at my side.
I left them there and sat back to see what she would do next. She slid off my lap and kneeled on the floor in front of me.
Her adorable expression made me blush. Sexually, we did a lot together, but she'd never gone down on me. I never asked, and she never offered. I waited to see how she would proceed, curious and kind of amused.
She reached into my pants, and I tried to stop myself from reacting. I must have scared her, because she sat back on her heels in frustration.
I took a deep breath, and she did the same; then she reached into my waistband again. She moved her hand up and down. Her eyes crinkled up as she studied me. I grew harder from her touch, but I wanted more.
Her grip firmed as she moved it up and down. My head swarmed, and I held my breath. I liked having her hand on me. Her adorable brown eyes widened and then she went for it. She kissed it. I barely felt it but felt it enough to let go of the breath.
She took me in her mouth, a little at first, then more and more. I wasn't huge by any means, but more than her inexperienced lips had experienced. I wanted to stay right where I was and watch her all day, but I wanted inside of her, too. She stroked and sucked at the same time, her technique perfect.
She must have Googled it.
She watched me. Measured my enjoyment, and I made sure to give her all the positive reinforcement I could manage. I wanted to make sure she enjoyed it too. People who enjoy an experience tend to want to repeat the experience over and over again.
"Oh, baby, that feels so good," I said. I leaned over and as I kissed her, I pushed her back down on the floor while sliding her shorts down. I touched her, and she sighed. I plunged into her, and she moaned and arched her back. I had perfect access to her chest, and I tasted one breast while massaging the other. She wiggled underneath me, and I took my other free hand and clamped down on her hip. She screamed, and I liked the sound. I did the same with my other hand and held her hips in place while I pounded into her. She whimpered every time I connected. Then her body shuddered. I was done. She squeezed the life out of me. I collapsed on top of her and she remained quiet and still.
Good girl.
***
Carrington Olivia Butler
I know giving Josh a blowjob and then screwing his brains out on the living room floor, didn't correspond with a let's slow things down mentality, but lust blinded me.
I got off on his power trip, but it freaked me out because I had no clue why.
He cleaned up the condo, we got dressed, and headed back to campus after my little performance on the couch. I didn't know what came over me. The way he looked at me got me every time.
We bonded over sex in a unique way. Different than what my friends experienced. None of them were in a relationship like this. I convinced myself the intimacy Josh and I shared was unique and healthy.
The appreciative expression and blissed out look on his face made me giggle.
Great sex made me forget the challenging parts of our relationship. But I wanted to talk to him about it.
"Carrington," he dragged me out of my head. "What are you thinking about so intently?"
"Oh, nothing."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." I pulled my legs under me in the seat and rested my back against the car door. "How long until we get back to school?"
"About three hours."
I closed my eyes and tightened them. When I opened them, Josh reached out and squeezed my calf.
"Hey, I was thinking, why don't we go somewhere for winter break."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, take a trip. Spend Christmas in New York or maybe go someplace warm."
I adjusted in my seat and faced forward.
"I can't. I have to go home for Christmas."
"To Texas."
"Yeah."
"Well, that's cool, too. When did you want to leave?"
"You can't come with me," I said and snorted, but covered my mouth when I realized how harsh I sounded. His head dropped, and he placed his hands in the ten and two positions on the steering wheel.
Sex, not too intimate, but meeting my parents, way too personal.
"I'm sorry, Josh. I'm not comfortable having you come home with me. Meeting my parents. It's too soon, and it would freak them out. Especially my brother."
"Sure. Whatever."
"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings; I'm not like that with my parents. Inviting someone home to meet them is the equivalent to an engagement. You don't want to marry me." I giggled but stopped when hi
s expression changed. His eyes narrowed and his shoulders inched up to his ears. I needed to turn this around or risk getting kicked out the car.
"Josh?" his expression stuck on pissed.
He ignored me.
"Josh?"
"What?" He turned so fast, I jumped as far as my seat would allow in his small sports car.
"It's not you. It doesn't have anything to do with you."
"You don't want me to meet your parents. You don't want your parents to know about me."
"Josh, you're taking this the wrong way."
"How else am I supposed to take it? Do your parents even know about me?"
"My family isn't like yours. We aren't close. We don't share every part of our lives."
"Well, nice to see where I rank."
"You are taking this way too personal."
"How else am I supposed to take it?"
"I don't want my family to get the wrong idea about us."
I needed to stop talking, or at least think before I spoke.
His face turned red, and his eyes darted from me and back to the road.
"Jesus Carrington, what are we doing here? Are we together or not? After last night, I thought we were moving toward something."
"We are. I do want to be with you, and we are building something, but it doesn't mean we have to skip all the steps in-between."
"Steps? What are you talking about steps?"
"Josh, listen to me carefully. I like you. I enjoy being with you. I've never been with anyone like you, but even you have to admit, our relationship up to this point has been . . . intense."
"Intense?"
"Yeah, and I want to slow down a little bit. Not take everything so serious all the time. Let's have some fun. We should be enjoying our romance, not freaking out over all these things that in the long run won't mean a thing."
I watched him contemplate my words, hoped he would draw a good conclusion, but doubted it. His all or nothing attitude hated contradiction, but I pushed on and held firm.
"Slow down," Josh said under his breath.
"Josh."
"No, it's fine. Don't worry about it." Josh turned the volume up on the radio; his way of saying the conversation was over.
I stared out the window. We passed a sign, Tallahassee 68 miles. This was going to be the longest sixty-eight miles of my life.
Hope for Her (Hope #1) Page 12
