Eyeing my Swan, I lift my chin toward the doorway, silently asking if she’s ready to get outta here.
That single cursory nod has my cock perking right back up.
It’s showtime.
Chapter Twenty-One
Rosie
Hand folded in his much larger one, Kade escorts me up the clubhouse stairs to his bedroom, where he pauses to glance at the door across from his before inviting me inside. He releases his hold and clicks the lock into place as I wade in, standing at the foot of his bed. It’s neatly made with a simple black comforter. The walls are bare, apart from sporadic knife holes and what looks to be rectangular stains from tape, like he’d once had posters coating the surface. His room is devoid of everything else. No personality to be seen, and I love it. It’s exactly what I would’ve done to my bedroom, had I owned one. There’s no use for frivolous decorations. Not when you can survive on much less. There’s something to be said about the simplicity of a bare space. It quiets the brain. Sensei often preached about the benefits of Feng Shui. Even that seems too cluttered for my taste.
I shift from foot to foot, not sure what to do next. Just standing in Kade’s bedroom wreaks havoc on my innards. This is not a place I ever pictured entering, much less staying the night—willingly. Let’s pray I don’t regret this in the morning.
To keep my wits about me, because let’s face it, I’m wading in uncharted territory, I summon my innermost Bruce Lee and let my arms dangle at my sides. Fidgeting is an ugly tell. The last thing I want is Kade thinking he’s getting to me—has gotten to me.
Twisting to make eye contact, yet keep his distance, Kade gestures to his bed with the flick of his strong, way too attractive chin. There’s a fair amount of stubble there. Not quite a five o’clock shadow, but close. “I have an idea,” he says.
My stomach somersaults, anxious of what that idea might be. To keep the nerves at bay, I swallow hard and crack my neck from side to side, unsure of how to act. This isn’t exactly in my wheelhouse of knowledge. The last time I stayed the night with a man was… the night before Johnny died. Since then, it’s been me, alone.
Why do I feel like I’m in high school all over again? Where there’s all this awkwardness brewing and nerves. So many nerves they could light up the Las Vegas Strip with their electric surges.
A bead of sweat trickles down my spine.
I can kill sick fucks without flinching, yet can’t stand in a handsome guy’s bedroom without wanting to throw up. Am I the only one here who thinks there’s something wrong with that picture?
Get a grip, Rosie.
Controlling my outward emotions, I respond an even-keeled, “Oh yeah? What’s that?” I splay a palm across my stomach, willing it to settle.
He leans his back against the door. “We have a naked slumber party.” Kade bats those ridiculously long eyelashes, playing the innocence card to a T.
Why am I not surprised he suggested that?
I tilt my head to the side, regarding H.B.B. like he’s lost all his marbles. “Kade, I thought you said no funny business.”
“Pantless, then?” Too eager for his own good, he undoes his belt buckle for show, and my lady bits scream and clench and throb for him to take it off like a drunken sorority girl at a male revue. This isn’t good. Why must he be so attractive? Life would be easier if he wasn’t that hot. Hotter than hot. If Johnny were here, he’d agree. Which is plain crazy. I’ve officially reached a new level of insanity.
Ignoring my duplicitous body parts and brain malfunction, I shoot him a dour you’ve-lost-your-damn-mind look.
Kade tries a different tactic. “No? Can I be naked then?”
Good God.
“Are you serious?”
He nods, his expression giving nothing away. “Dead serious.”
“Admit it, you just wanna show me your dick,” I blurt before I can process the thought. Reality filters in, slow at first, gathering speed. My cheeks burn hot with the singe of embarrassment. A shuddery exhale follows.
As if the moment couldn’t get any more awkward, the smartass raises both hands like a bandit in an old black and white movie. “Ya caught me.” A smile twists those lips I’ve come to know on an intimate level.
“Do I get a say?”
His face scrunches in adorable confusion. “A say if I’m naked or not?”
To give my limbs something to do, I hook my thumbs in the corners of my back pockets and shrug. “Yes.”
“Why wouldn’t you want to see all this?” Kade sweeps his hand down the length of his impressive, toned body.
“Is that a trick question?” I don’t hate the idea of seeing him naked. I’m not a prude. It’s what comes after that has me… sweating bullets.
“No. Should it be?” he volleys.
“It’s your room.”
A short nod. “I’m well aware.”
“You can do whatever you please. As long as you remain… a gentleman of sorts.” To assume he’ll be a real gentleman is laughable. This is the same guy who gets a hard-on from knives. A man who likes me. Enough said.
“Gentlemen give their old ladies orgasms. That’s what they do. They also pull out their cocks for their lady to appreciate.”
Orgasms and cocks. This man…
“If I argue I’m not yours, will that do any good?”
No, it won’t. I already know the answer. I shouldn’t even have asked.
“Pfft. Fuck no. ‘Cause you are.” See.
“Which I never agreed to.”
“Do you think this?” Kade performs that head tappy thing again using two fingers to thump the side of his skull. “Or this?” He mimics the same gesture to his dick, double tapping what I assume is the head of his cock. Which, if you must know, isn’t anywhere in the vicinity of his pant legs or crotch region. It’s above the waist of his belt. Above. As in, his member is long enough to reach his belly button.
“Gives a damn what you want?” Kade finishes his…whatever he’s trying to convey. It sounds like a jumbled mess of consonants and vowels, when all I can focus on is the fact he wants to have a naked slumber party with an erection the size of a whale… A whale’s dick.
Oh. My. God.
I should leave.
Do you realize how longs it’s been since I’ve seen a penis? Okay, so it hasn’t been that long. On occasion, I walk in on sex traffickers in the throes of rapey passion. Seeing their junk is part of the job description. However, I don’t notice their size or even care what they’re packing. Teenie-weenie or horse schlong, makes no difference to me when I’m killing them anyhow. Kade’s different. He’s… sorta mine.
Mine?
Fuck.
It’s definitely time to jet.
I take a nonthreatening step toward the door, praying he’ll let me through without a physical altercation that’ll leave him bruised and bloody.
Kade stands taller, as if he read my mind.
“No,” he growls, nostrils flaring as he points to the bed. “You’re staying.”
Glaring at him, I stand my ground. “You aren’t in charge here.” And I’m not a hostage.
His jaw clenches for a fleeting moment before an animalistic rumble starts in his chest. The dark prince looks away, as if ashamed of the noise. The muscles in his neck thicken with tension, traveling down to his shoulders that harden to stone. A rush of air punches from Kade’s lungs as he stares at the wall, a faraway look swirling in those baby blues. “If you understood how hard it’s been since you left me, you’d realize I can’t control this. I can’t let you leave. The bad parts won’t allow it. And the good parts… well, those fragments want you here, too. Need you. You can’t push this, Swan. Things will get ugly. Every inch of me is screamin’ to lay claim to your body. To do filthy, degrading things.”
Oh… I…
A shiver starts in my fingertips and travels to my toes, arousing parts of my anatomy I wish didn’t exist. Heat pools low in my gut as my breasts begin to tingle.
“Like what?”
The silly question falls from my lips without a second thought. I seem to be doing that a lot tonight. If I had an excuse for my unusual behavior, I’d give you one. But I don’t.
To maintain a safe distance, I retreat a step, then two.
Kade’s head shakes. “Don’t ask me that,” he rasps.
“I want to know.”
“No. You don’t. Nobody wants to know those parts. To see them.”
“I’m not just anybody.” I thought we already established that. His dark and demented parts aren’t scary. Not like he thinks.
“You’re right. You’re the only person that’s ever been just for me.”
“Then tell me.” Please.
Those blues sweep to the right and pause to delve into mine. Violet embers that burn in their depths spin the tale of unspeakable struggle. “No,” he snarls, upper lip curling back to expose his teeth.
A pregnant silence descends as we look at one another, a battle of titans clashing, willing the other to break first. He won’t express his thoughts and I don’t think I should stay. But I don’t know if I should leave him either. After the hotel and the revelations that days of mental anguish brought to light, I’m not sure what to do with myself anymore. The things I once knew, no longer exist. Gravity, magnetism, desire—they all used to be words in the dictionary until a broken man met an equally broken woman on the porch of a house and declared her his without knowing a thing about her. As if he knew before I knew, this night would happen. Divine intervention.
Blowing out a breath, I succumb to the inevitable, aware that Kade is battling his demons as much as I am mine. The least I can do is give him a semblance of peace. “Then take off your clothes, if it’ll help quiet your mind.”
He blinks. “You sure?”
“Will it help?”
Massaging the nape of his neck, fraught with tension, Kade shrugs a shoulder. “I don’t know. But you have to promise me you won’t leave tonight. No matter what.”
“No funny business.” Sex can’t be on the table. It just can’t. Not tonight. Maybe not… for a while. Baby steps. This is hard enough to navigate without the added pressure.
Kade
No funny business. Ha. I’d laugh, if I could. What does she think I’m gonna do? I’m already hanging on by a thread. It was fine. I was fine. The beast was content, until she had to go and overthink every minor detail of our exchange. That’s how she is. She gauges everything with laser precision. Thinks that she knows what’s best. When she doesn’t know a damn thing about what’s best for her. All she sees is what’s easiest. She’s afraid of change. And most of all, she’s afraid of me. Not in a physical way. It’s all in her complex, brilliant head. Every bit of it. Oh, she thinks her acting tonight is on par. That I can’t see how frightened she is below the surface. But I can. I know her. The way she moves, her simplest tells. I’ve memorized every nuance like the psycho I am. Living with someone day in and out, studying them, you learn a lot.
Out of respect for the woman I love, I throw all my proverbial cards on the table. “I can keep a leash on my dick, if that’s what you’re worried about. What I can’t keep a leash on is my mind. If you leave, I will… It won’t be pleasant. The ugliness is hard enough to maintain when I’m my normal fucked up self. If you go, I won’t survive that again. Not without preparation.” There can’t be any midnight escapes. The beast will rip from his cage and people will end up hurt. It’ll be out of my control. He’ll take over. If they don’t put me down, someone could die. Pops understands the risk of having a son like me. We’ve prepared for a time when my sanity loses all footing with reality and the feral darkness consumes. If that means death, then so be it. Any other time, when I slake the blood lust, I’m always holding the reins. Losing Rosie for good, I can’t predict what would happen… And that scares me more than anything else in the world ever could.
“I won’t leave,” her vow is buttery soft, as she unconsciously sways from side to side, nerves eating her from the inside out. That’s why I want us in bed. Why I want to show her all of me. Ripping off the Band-Aid will help us both. Maybe then the snarling will quiet and the demented voices in my head will quit demanding I fuck her into the mattress and cum all over her... in her—until she’s painted head to toe in my essence.
Christ.
I’m more beast than man.
Come on, sweet boy, mommy wants your…
No. No! Not now.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I force the wicked bitch who ruined me from my thoughts. When I open them again, Rosie’s nibbling on her bottom lip, giving me her full attention. “Promise. Promise you won’t leave,” I beg.
“I promise,” my Swan whispers. Her gaze darts from me to the bed and back again. If we’re to accomplish anything tonight, I’m going to have to make the first move.
Rosie
Stepping toward the bed, Kade begins to remove his clothes layer by layer. His cut is the first to go. Treating it like it’s his most prized possession, he drapes the leather across the bottom mattress corner. That is the way of the Sacred Sinners. They value their club, and the patches they’ve earned alongside their brethren so much so it’s practically a religion.
Kade unfastens his jeans next. Each fluid movement I watch with bated breath. He bends at the waist to unlace his worn motorcycle boots, using his fingers to loosen the strands of waxed cord. When he re-stands to his full height, his toes do their job removing the scuffed hide from his feet. He scoots the footwear to the wayside, giving himself space to shimmy his pants down those impressive thighs, exposing a pair of black boxer briefs underneath.
I hug my arms around my middle, pressing my lips together as I soak up the show, that isn’t even meant to be a show. But is to me nonetheless.
Not once does the dark prince look in my direction as he tugs his shirt over his head and drops it into a pile on the floor alongside the discarded jeans. Crisp white crew socks and boxers are all that’s left. The rest is skin as far as the eye can drink. Taut, lightly tanned, tattooed skin with just the right amount of muscle. More than a swimmer’s, but less than a meathead’s. Abs cut from diamonds line his stomach in perfect symmetry. There’s a small, neatly trimmed patch of dark-brown hair peeking out from the waistband of his briefs. In the middle, brushing the underside of his navel is… the prettiest dick ever created. A fresh bead of pre-cum rests on its tip as Kade stands there, eyes fixated on the ground. His chest rises and falls in rapid succession. A shiver commences and tiny goosebumps pebble across his skin. Absolute lady porn.
I’m speechless.
Neither of us move as Kade sucks in a sharp, audible breath and hooks both thumbs into the band of his boxers. Staying the course, he swiftly shoves them down his inked legs and casts them aside. The last to go are his socks, which he takes extra time removing. Body bent in half, his shoulders ripple with each movement. It feels like hours as I stand at the foot of the bed, waiting patiently for him to show himself to me. Kade’s the one who wanted this, and now that I’m to bear witness, I want it, too.
Using two fingers, Kade scoots the crew socks across the floor, leaving them near his boots, though he doesn’t move beyond that. Somehow stuck, his digits hesitate upon the stark-white cotton as if he’s afraid to pull away. They begin to twitch.
Another moment passes and there he remains frozen in his own version of limbo.
I can’t watch him battle whatever this is another second, my heart can’t take it. His anxiety’s seeping into me.
Not wanting him to go at this alone, I do the only thing I know how, and remove my jacket. It joins his cut on the corner of the mattress. Kade’s too lost inside himself, fighting whatever adversary he must face, to watch me undress further. My pants, boots, and socks are the next to go. Somewhat leveling the playing field, I strip all the way down to my black bikinis, bra, and plain t-shirt.
This is the first I’ve been undressed in front of anyone in so long, I’ve lost count. Though, it doesn’t feel as strange as I thought it would.
I’d even go as far as to say it’s… freeing, in its own way. To expose myself in any capacity has always been difficult. Yet, tonight it doesn’t feel difficult.
Clasping my hands in front of me, my thumb wars with it’s matching sister as I glance down. Staring up at me are ten, expertly painted black toenails courtesy of Katrina’s daughter. They’re pretty. Something I might be able to keep up with. They’re simple enough I could try. But now’s not the time to worry about such trivial things. I’m worried about Kade. Perhaps we took things too far. Guess there’s only one way to find out.
I take a step closer and whisper, “Kade,” to draw his attention to me, and away from his inner turmoil.
“Hmm?” He slaps the side of his skull with brute force, trying to shake his thoughts free. It sounds painful, but he doesn’t flinch.
“You alright?”
“I…” Kade clears his throat. “I dunno.” The tension seizing his backside says otherwise.
“I want to see.” This is what he thinks he needs, so I’m going to give it to him, and I’m oddly okay with that.
“See… what?” he croaks.
“You.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” A million times yes.
“I thought this would be easier. But, it’s not.” Oh, my poor, beautiful broken man.
Needing to be closer, I step to his side of the bed. His discarded pants tickle my ankle. I shift and the back of my legs brush against the comforter just barely off the mattress. From here, he’s close enough I can smell his intoxicating cologne and a spiciness that is distinctly Kade. It’s a scent that should be bottled and sold by the truckload… If I wanted to share him with the world. Which I don’t, and never will. If I’m his, then he’s equally mine. Call me selfish, but I don’t play well with others and like to keep what’s mine all to myself.
Wrecked & Reclaimed (Sacred Sinners MC - Texas Chapter Book 5) Page 18
