by Gore Vidal
At last Jim sat up. Bob did not stir. He remained facedown, clutching the pillow to his face while Jim dressed. Then Jim crossed to the bed and looked down at the body he had loved with such single-mindedness for so many years. Was this all? He put his hand on Bob’s sweaty shoulder. Bob shied away from him: fear? disgust? It made no difference now. Jim touched the pillow. It was wet. Tears? Good. Without a word, Jim went to the door and opened it. He looked back once more at Bob, then he turned out the light and shut the door behind him. He left the hotel, not caring where he went. For a long time he walked aimlessly, until at last he came to one of the many bars where men looked for men. He entered, prepared to drink until the dream was completely over.
CHAPTER
11
IT WAS LATE, VERY late. He had begun to forget again. Only by great effort had he been able to remember what had happened to him. Now he felt no sorrow. Nothing. Bob was finished and that was the end of that.
* * *
—
He called to the bartender. The man came over. “Another one?”
Jim nodded. His head felt strangely heavy. If he nodded too hard it might fall off. “Another one.”
Then a little man with a dark mustache and quick-moving eyes came up. “May I sit down? Could I buy you a drink?”
“If you want to.”
“It’s certainly been warm weather, hasn’t it? I’m from Detroit myself. Where are you from?”
“I forgot.”
“Oh, I’m sorry if I’m intruding. I didn’t mean to pry.”
“All right.” Jim was glad to have someone sitting opposite him. Someone who liked to talk. The sound of words was peaceful if one didn’t attend to their meaning.
“Isn’t this a big town, though? I’ve been here maybe two weeks and still don’t feel I’ve seen a thing. It’s much bigger than Detroit and there seems to be everything here. I’ve never seen so much of everything. Do you work here, if I’m not being too personal?”
“Yes.” Jim wondered how long it would take the waiter to bring him his drink. He could make no contact with reality or even unreality until he had another drink. Suddenly there was a glass in front of him. Jim took a swallow: cold, hot, cold, hot. That’s the way it should be. He looked at the small man. He had a feeling that a question had been asked, for the little man sat looking at him. He wondered if he had heard the question and forgotten it or whether he had never heard it at all. “You say something?”
“I only asked if you lived here in town.”
“Yes.” Now the next question. The catechism never changed.
“Do you live with your family?”
“No.”
“Then you’re not married?”
“No.” Jim decided that he would play for a while. Lead the man on and then pretend anger and frighten him. It would be amusing.
“Well, neither am I. You know, I’ve always said it’s a lot cheaper to buy milk than keep a cow.” He paused as though expecting either laughter or agreement. He got neither. “I’ll bet they’ve got some good-looking girls around here.” The little man winked at Jim. “I’ll bet you have a girl here.”
“I don’t have a girl.” Jim offered hope.
“Now that’s strange, a young fellow like you. Were you in the Army?”
“Yes,” said Jim, and he took another swallow. Everything was pleasant and warm inside his stomach. But his knees felt odd, disconnected. Then the little man put his foot next to his. Deliberately Jim picked up his own foot and, after a long thoughtful minute, brought it down hard on the little man’s foot.
“Ouch!”
“Sorry.” Jim was happy that he had caused pain.
“You’ve certainly had a lot to drink.”
“How can you tell?”
“I mean…well, you seem to have had a lot to drink.” The little man paused uneasily. “By the way,” he said, “I’ve got a bottle of real Scotch up in my room at the hotel. If you’d care to…”
“I like it here.”
“I just thought maybe you might like to come up for a little while, that’s all. We could have a friendly chat and it’s certainly much nicer there than it is here.”
Jim glared at him. “You think I’m trade maybe? You think maybe I’ll go home with a little fag like you, maybe? Or do you want to get me drunk in case I’m straight, and screw me?”
His brief acquaintance stood up. “Now, really, I think you’ve gone far enough. If you weren’t drunk you wouldn’t say such things to me. Such a thought never entered my mind. If you’ll excuse me…” The man went away and Jim started to laugh. He laughed loudly for several moments and then he stopped, wanting to cry or sob or shout. But the bartender put an end to that. He came over and told him that the bar was closing and it was time to go.
Unsteadily, Jim walked out into the damp air of early morning. It was very dark. There were no stars; no moon; only streetlamps shining in the blackness.
Then he was sober.
The edges of the buildings became sharp and clear. He knew exactly where he was and who he was and there was nothing left to do but continue, as though nothing had happened. But even as he made this vow, he recalled firelight and heard again the river’s roar. No vision ended except in something vivid and new, and there was nothing new for him. The lover and brother was gone, replaced by a memory of bruised flesh, tangled sheets, violence. Panicky, he contemplated flight. He would return to sea. Change his name, memories, life. He turned west toward the waterfront. Yes, he would ship out again and travel in strange countries and meet new people. Begin again.
Then suddenly he was on the docks, with silent ships all about him. The air was cool. The morning near. At his feet the waters rose and fell slowly, gently, like the breathing of some vast monster. Once more he stood beside a river, aware at last that the purpose of rivers is to flow into the sea. Nothing that ever was changes. Yet nothing that is can ever be the same as what went before. Fascinated, he watched the water shifting dark and cold against the stony island. Soon he would move on.
ALSO BY GORE VIDAL
THE NARRATIVES OF EMPIRE SERIES
Gore Vidal’s Narratives of Empire series spans the history of the United States from the Revolution to the post–World War II years. With their broad canvas and large cast of fictional and historical characters, the novels in this series present the American experience as interpreted by one of its most knowing and ironic observers.
BURR
Burr is a portrait of perhaps the most complex and misunderstood of the Founding Fathers. In 1804, while serving as vice president, Aaron Burr fought a duel with his political nemesis, Alexander Hamilton, and killed him. In 1807, he was arrested, tried, and acquitted of treason. In 1833, Burr is newly married, an aging statesman considered a monster by many. But he is determined to tell his own story. With Charles Shuyler, a young journalist whom Burr has chosen as an assistant, he explores both his own past and the continuing political intrigues of the still young United States.
Historical Fiction/Literature/0-375-70873-1
LINCOLN
To most Americans, Abraham Lincoln is seen as the Great Emancipator, beloved by all. In Lincoln we meet Lincoln the man. Far from steadfast in his abhorrence of slavery, Lincoln agonizes over the best course of action and comes to his great decision only when all else seems to fail. As the Civil War ravages his nation, Lincoln must face the loss of his dearest son, and the harangues of a wife seen as a traitor for her Southern connections. Brilliantly conceived and executed, Lincoln allows the man to breathe again.
Historical Fiction/Literature/0-375-70876-6
1876
The centennial of the United States was celebrated with great fanfare—fireworks, exhibitions, and perhaps the most underhanded political machination in the country’s history: the theft of the presidency from Samuel Tilden in favor of R
utherford B. Hayes. This was the Gilded Age, when robber barons held the nation’s purse strings. 1876 gives us the era through the eyes of Charlie Schuyler, who has returned from exile to regain a lost fortune, only to find that the effects of corruption reach deep, even into his own family.
Historical Fiction/Literature/0-375-70872-3
EMPIRE
In this breathtaking epic, Vidal recreates America’s Gilded Age—a period of promise and possibility, of empire-building and fierce political rivalries. As the fortunes of a sister and brother intertwine with the fates of their generation, their country, and the greatest names of the day—including Theodore Roosevelt, William and Henry James, the Astors, the Vanderbilts, and the Whitneys—Vidal sweeps us from the nineteenth century into the twentieth, from the salvaged republic of Lincoln to a nation boldly reaching for the world.
Historical Fiction/Literature/0-375-70874-X
HOLLYWOOD
The time is 1917. In Washington, President Wilson is about to lead the United States into the Great War. In California, a new industry is born that will transform America: moving pictures. Here is history brimming with intrigue and scandal, peopled by the greats of the silver screen and American politics, from Charlie Chaplin and Douglas Fairbanks to Franklin D. Roosevelt and the author’s own grandfather, the blind Senator Gore. With Hollywood, Vidal once again proves himself a superb storyteller and chronicler of history.
Historical Fiction/Literature/0-375-70875-8
THE GOLDEN AGE
The Golden Age is Vidal’s stunning tapestry of American political and cultural life from 1939 to 1954, when the epochal events of World War II and the Cold War transformed America, for good or ill, from a republic into an empire. Vidal offers up U.S. history as only he can, with unrivaled wit, and high drama, allied to a classical view of human fate. It is a supreme entertainment that will change readers’ understanding of American history and power.
Historical Fiction/Literature/0-375-72481-8
WASHINGTON, D.C.
Washington, D.C., the final installment in Vidal’s acclaimed series of historical novels about the American past, offers an illuminating portrait of our republic from the time of the New Deal to the McCarthy era. A stunning tale of diseased ambition, it traces the fortunes of James Burden Day, a powerful senator with his eye on the presidency; Clay Overbury, a young congressional aide with his own political aspirations; and Blaise Sanford, a ruthless newspaper tycoon who understands the importance of money and image in modern politics.
Historical Fiction/Literature/0-375-70877-4
Other books by Gore Vidal
CREATION
A sweeping novel of politics, philosophy, and adventure, Creation offers a captivating tour of the ancient world. Cyrus Spitama, grandson of the prophet Zoroaster, was the Persian ambassador for the great king Darius. He traveled to India, where he discussed nirvana with Buddha, and to the warring states of Cathay, where he fished with Confucius. Now old, blind, and living in Athens—the Athens of Pericles, Thucydides, Herodotus, and Socrates—Cyrus recounts his days. In revisiting one of the most spectacular periods in history, Vidal illuminates the ideas that have shaped human civilization.
Historical Fiction/Literature/0-375-72705-1
JULIAN
Julian the Apostate, nephew of Constantine the Great, was one of the brightest yet briefest lights in the history of the Roman Empire. A military genius, a graceful and persuasive essayist, and a philosopher devoted to the gods of Hellenism, he became embroiled in an intellectual war with Christianity that provoked his murder at the age of thirty-two, only four years into his brilliantly humane reign. A marvelously imaginative and insightful novel of classical antiquity, Julian captures the religious and political ferment of a desperate age and restores with wit and vigor the legacy of an impassioned ruler.
Historical Fiction/Literature/0-375-72706-X
THE LAST EMPIRE
In this scintillating collection of essays, Vidal brings his keen intellect to bear on an astonishing range of subjects. From his celebrated profiles of Clare Boothe Luce and Charles Lindbergh and his controversial essay about the Bill of Rights—which sparked an extended correspondence with convicted Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh—to his provocative analyses of literary icons such as John Updike and Mark Twain and his trenchant observations about terrorism, civil liberties, and the CIA, Vidal weaves a rich tapestry of personal anecdote, critical insight, and historical detail.
Essays/Literary Criticism/0-375-72639-X
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