“You ain’t pregnant, are you?” she asked as I was leaving her office.
I was too stunned to react to her question. This thought never crossed my mind, but that could be the reason why I had been feeling so yucky lately. Damn, she may have a point, I thought. It was always our desire to have children, so I wasn’t shocked at the possibility, but the timing could have been better. After six and a half years, why now? Merlin and I were still tiptoeing around each other, but I was confident that he would accept our child with open arms. I decided to stop at Rite Aid on my way home to get a pregnancy test.
With this resolve I actually started to feel better, but not well enough to stay at work. It was Friday and I wanted to get a jump-start on my weekend. All of a sudden I was excited. Without thinking it through, I called Merlin. “Hey, baby, I’m headed home. I’m not feeling well. My boss said I should go home and take it easy.”
“Cool, I’m headed back to the house too. Is there anything that I can pick up for you?”
I wanted to tell him to get me a pregnancy test, but I decided to keep that little secret to myself until I knew for sure. “No, I just want to get some rest.”
“How about I fix us some dinner and we watch some movies and call it a night.”
I said, “That sounds good to me.”
“Is there anything in particular that you want to see?”
“No, surprise me. You’re good at picking out movies, so I know I won’t be disappointed.”
“All right then, I’ll see you when you get home.”
I hung up the phone with a smile on my face. Although we still weren’t where we were before, it was better. I was just glad that Gavin had stayed clear of our house. I still couldn’t believe that I didn’t realize that the man I was sleeping with was not my husband. Merlin’s mother had also stopped her string of confusing phone calls, but that was okay with me too ’cause I didn’t like her ass anyway. Girls only get two special moments in life: proms and weddings. Gina fucked my wedding up to where I don’t even look at my wedding pictures.
My smile slid from my face at the thought of my mother-in-law. She was such a hateful heifer and I didn’t know why. In the beginning and a few times afterward, I did everything I could to make her like me, but she was bound and determined not to. From the first day she met me, she acted as if I wore shit on my face or something. After several attempts to woo her, I gave up.
My thoughts wandered again. I stopped at CVS and purchased a pregnancy test. There were so many to choose from, I just grabbed the cheapest one I could find and rushed back to the counter. I had to go to the bathroom in the worst way and didn’t want to risk using a public restroom, especially with that strain of swine flu going around.
The ride home was so fast it was scary. I had just gone to the bathroom right before I left work, but it felt like I hadn’t been all day. That’s one of the reasons that I thought I might be pregnant. Add to that the fact that my breasts we so sore and sensitive, and the constant feeling of nausea that followed me all day long. I hadn’t thrown up yet, but I came close several times.
I turned into our apartment complex doing thirty and didn’t put my foot on the brake as I rode over the speed bumps. This didn’t help my breasts one bit. I winced in pain.
“Shit.” I rubbed my free hand over my breasts. The pain took my mind off the fact that I had to go to the bathroom so badly. I hit the second speed bump at the same pace. I wanted to slow down but my situation was urgent. I could not imagine what my car would smell like if I actually did wet myself. I pulled into the front of our building and had the door open before I had even parked the car. I grabbed my purse and my bag from CVS and dashed up the sidewalk toward my apartment. I ran as fast as my doubled-over body could go.
With keys in hand, I tried to get the key in the lock. “Dear God, please.” I could not get the key in the hole to save my life. After several attempts I gave up and rang the bell. A few seconds passed before Merlin answered the door. I had all but resigned to pissing on myself. At least I was at the house and wouldn’t ruin the upholstery of my car.
“What, you got to go to the bathroom again?” Merlin was laughing as he stepped out of the way.
“Yeah, move.” The end was in sight, and I prayed that Merlin had left the seat down in the bathroom. I was unbuttoning my pants as I raced down the hallway to our bedroom. I could have used the guest bathroom, but in my haste I forgot about it.
“Thank you, Jesus,” I said as I sank onto the seat in relief. The hot piss ran into the toilet. I released a heavy sigh of relief. I was so happy that I hadn’t peed on myself, I just rested my head on my arms as I allowed myself to finish taking a leak. I completely forgot about the pregnancy test that I had in my purse. Now would have been as good a time as any to take it. However, I was quite sure that I would have to go again within the hour.
“Everything come out okay?” Merlin was outside the door and he had jokes.
“Don t you have something that you need to be doing?” My voice was harsh, and I didn’t understand where that mean streak came from. All of a sudden I was mad.
“Dag, I didn’t mean to piss you off.”
I could tell by his tone that Merlin was hurt. I didn’t mean to lash out at him, but the words just slipped out of my mouth. I got up from the toilet after wiping myself and pulled up my pants and zipped them. It wasn’t his fault that I had become so moody. I quickly washed my hands because I had to apologize before my behavior ruined the rest of our night together.
“Baby, wait, I’m sorry. I told you I wasn’t feeling well, and I’m sorry that I took that out on you.” I reached out to touch his shoulder because his back was turned to me.
He immediately melted and turned around and took me in his arms. At that moment things felt just as they used to between us, and I fell in love all over again with my husband.
He said, “Honey, I’m sorry. I was so excited to have you all to myself that I completely forgot that you weren’t feeling well.” He led me to the sofa and gently pushed me down. Once I was seated, he pulled the reclining lever to elevate my feet. Then, he took off my shoes and began massaging my feet. I was outdone. Merlin was good to me, and he often did sweet things for me, but I could not recall one time that he took off my shoes, let alone massaged my feet.
“I’m fine now that I’m home. I just want to take a nap until dinner is ready. I’m so tired.”
He reached over my head, grabbed the throw from across the sofa and gently pulled it over me. Kissing me on the forehead, he left me and headed in the direction of the kitchen. All evidence of his ire had disappeared.
“I wonder what he will say if in fact I do end up pregnant,” I mumbled to myself.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
COJO MILLS
I didn’t take the test until the following Thursday. “Shit.” Positive, both a blessing and a curse. I didn’t know whether to shout for joy or yell obscenities at the moon. I so wanted to be pregnant, but I didn’t want to be pregnant under these diverse circumstances. If I was pregnant now, there was no way to tell who the father was, and I couldn’t imagine how that conversation would go with Merlin.
Thus far, he had been respectful and had been trying to get our relationship back on track, but I had no clue how he would react once he found out that I was pregnant and that there was a very good possibility that the child may be by his own brother. The very thought made me feel like throwing up, so I could only imagine how my husband would feel when I told him.
“Should I tell him?” I uttered the words, even though I didn’t believe in the deceit that it would take to carry this out. I had always been a strong proponent for the rights of fathers, but should I risk my family for a mistake? I didn’t knowingly have sex with my brother-in-law, so shouldn’t I have gotten a pass?
Try as I may, I could not get this image out of my mind. Thank God, Gavin hadn’t visited lately, but the visions of him thoroughly fucking me remained in my mind. Merlin was upset because he
couldn’t understand why I could not tell it wasn’t him. What I was trying to make him understand was that he was gone and that I hadn’t had none since he left, and a dick is a dick! And I needed one, not to mention that they were identical twins. The difference was in their bedroom skills.
“It is what it is, and I have to face the music.” This was a bitter pill to swallow, but I couldn’t change what had happened. I left the bathroom and staggered into the living room. I had decided to tell Merlin as soon as he made it home from the base. As much as I loved him, I would not deceive him. He had to know all of the facts. If he chose to leave me, then so be it.
I set his dinner in front of him. “Merlin, I need to talk to you and I need you to remain calm. Can you do that?”
“What are you talking about? I’m always calm.”
Flashbacks of when he was trying to kick my ass passed through my mind. He paused and I would like to believe that he saw those same images.
He started cutting his steak. “Okay. I understand what you are saying, but I’m cool. Give it to me.”
“This is difficult for me to say, but I am pretty certain that I am pregnant.” I let the elephant land in the room before I proceeded.
He knew our sexual history and the implication that I left unsaid. I waited for his response with bated breath.
Merlin looked like he had been whipped naked with a leather strap, and my heart went out to him. I felt the same way. What would I do if I was pregnant by my husband’s brother? What would he do? Shit!
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
MERLIN MILLS
“Wow, pregnant. Are you sure?” I didn’t know how I felt about it. My stomach was churning and I felt slightly sick. On one hand, I felt ecstatic that I was about to have my first child, but the fear that the child wouldn’t be mine overshadowed those emotions. I had to find a way to balance those two emotions before I said something that would drive another wedge between me and my wife. I stuck a forkful of steak in my mouth, even though I’d instantly lost my appetite.
“I took a home test and it was positive, but I haven’t been to the doctor yet.”
“I see.” What did she expect me to say? I felt myself getting angry, but I immediately pumped the brakes because it really wasn’t her fault that this happened.
I had to keep reminding myself of that on a daily basis. I looked at her, and I could tell that she was feeling the same emotions that I was experiencing. I rose up from the dinner table and went to her. I opened my arms and she willingly came into them. We would make it through this storm, whichever way it went.
“Baby, it’s going to be okay.” I wanted her to feel comfortable that I was in it for the long haul with her, even if the baby turned out to belong to my brother. I loved Cojo so much; I could not bear being without her. Whatever feelings this child brought up in me would have to be ignored for the sake of our marriage.
“Are you serious?” She had tears in her eyes.
I could tell that she wanted to say more, but I silenced her with a kiss. I was going to make this work if it killed me. She trembled in my arms and my heart swelled. I knew I was doing the right thing. I pushed her away from me slightly and put my hand on her belly. I looked directly into her eyes.
“I love you and my baby.” I left it unsaid that it might not be mine because, as far as I was concerned, if it came out of my wife, it was my baby.
“Merlin, I’m sorry.”
“Hush now. Let’s not talk about it. In fact, we need a break. Can you get tomorrow off?”
“I think so, what are you planning?”
“Just take off and let me handle the rest of it.”
She went to the phone to call her supervisor, who was also a close friend. When she hung up the phone, she told me it was okay for her to be off the next day. Now I had to kick my ass into gear to pull off a fantastic weekend that would show her I loved her more than I loved myself.
In order to keep all my plans secret, I left the house to do some research. I wanted our weekend away to be both romantic and therapeutic. Cojo needed to relax, and I needed to get her back to the funny and sensitive person she used to be before I put my hands on her. I drove a few blocks to the library so that I could get on the Internet to see what was available to us on such short notice.
A friend of mine told me about some cabins that were located up in the North Georgia Mountains. I thought that would be the perfect getaway. Although the cabins were usually built to hold large families, I thought it would be the perfect getaway for a couple who was trying to rediscover the love they had for each other.
I did a Google search, found several cabins, took all the virtual tours, and picked the one that was the most lavish. The cabin had three bedrooms, a pool table, a full kitchen, an outdoor Jacuzzi, and a wraparound porch equipped with rocking chairs. Next, I went to the grocery store so that I could select the food I was going to cook for her while we were there. My plan was that she would not do anything except go to the spa, shop, and whatever else that tickled her fancy.
I booked a spa package for her where she could get her nails and feet done, a facial, and a full-body massage. In fact, I signed up for the massage with her. She had been asking me to do this since we first started dating, but I was hesitant to do it because I didn’t like the thought of strangers putting their hands on me, especially if I were in near-naked attire. If it were a man, I might hit him; but if it were a woman, I didn’t want to run the risk of getting an erection.
I toyed with the idea of whitewater rafting but decided against it because of the baby, but I did sign up for the wine tasting and grape stomping. This was the only selfish activity I scheduled. I knew she could not do the testing, but she might get a kick out of squishing grapes with her bare feet. I was excited.
As I continued to put groceries in my cart, I froze. I had this amazing urge to share my newfound fatherhood, but I was at a loss for whom to share it with. In a situation like this, the first call should go out to a mother, but that idea instantly soured in my stomach. Knowing my mother, she would say something stupid like, “Why you wanna do that shit for?” Or she might come back with some jacked-up shit like, “Are you sure it’s yours?”
I felt lightheaded and sweaty all at the same time. If I were at home, I would have sat the fuck down. What if it isn’t mine? For some reason, I had blocked out the fact that my wife had mistakenly slept with my brother right around the same time that I came home from Iraq.
Surely, God would not be so cruel as to finally allow us to become pregnant and in the final hour say that it wasn’t mine. I was mumbling as I wandered through the aisles. Suddenly, I wanted to cancel the trip and take some sort of paternity test, because there was no way in hell I was going to raise a bastard child of my brother’s.
As soon as the thought entered my mind, I felt ashamed of myself. If I was going to allow that to ruin my marriage, I didn’t deserve Cojo at all. It wasn’t her fault that Gavin had deceived her!
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
GAVIN MILLS
I could hear the television as soon as I put my key in the door. If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn that my mother was going deaf in her older years. She was watching Dancing With The Stars and it was cranked up to what had to be the highest level.
My gut instinct was to yell at her to turn that shit down. This was her house, though, and I wasn’t paying any of the bills, so I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t understand all that hoopla with the show. Some old, played-out stars grabbing at one last chance of stardom and a glimpse of fame, and the average Joe Blow sitting around the television egging them on and voting for them. I’d be damned if I would spend some of my hard-earned money voting for someone like Jerry Springer to win a fucking dance-off.
I peeked around the corner to see where my mother was. I wanted to be prepared for her attack before it actually happened. I was riding on a high that could likely explode if she came at me wrong. The last thing I wanted to do was kill my mother and end up losin
g the last place in the world where I could stay for free, at least until she put me out.
Momma wasn’t visible when I stuck my head around the corner. That meant one of two things: she was in her bedroom knocked out, or she was passed out on the sofa. I tiptoed up to the sofa, silently praying that she wasn’t on it, but in her room instead. I didn’t feel like hearing her mouth tonight.
I continued to creep up to the sofa. My heart dipped a little bit when I saw her thrown over the sofa. It appeared that she had flipped over it because her glass was lying on its side and she was spread-eagle on the sofa, naked from the waist down. The phone was not on the base and an annoying message was playing, asking her if she would like to make a call.
I shook my head in disgust. Heaven knows who she was trying to call before she passed out, but more than likely it was my deadbeat dad. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why she was still chasing after his ass when he made it clear that he was done with her.
I tiptoed past her to see if she had anything left to drink in the kitchen. I was still riding the high of my earlier escapade with some chick I met at Club 702, and I needed to come down if I had any intention of getting some sleep tonight.
“Jackpot.”
Mom had gone to the store and the entire counter was stocked with liquor. I claimed a bottle of Absolut and retired to my room. Normally, I would not have risked taking a full bottle of her booze, but from the looks of her, she wouldn’t even remember going to the store. Hell, I could probably stash all the bottles and play dumb when she asked about them.
I turned my small television, I brought from a yard sale, on low as I cracked open the bottle. I didn’t want to risk waking up my mother and her coming in and asking about her bottle before I got my drink on. I searched the channels until I found the news. I wanted to see what, if anything, was being said about the fire on the east side a couple of weeks back. I felt good about covering my tracks since I hadn’t heard anything about it so far.
Snapped (Urban Renaissance) Page 16
