by Dianne Drake
“After our initial failure trying to get the fire to catch, it finally did, and when that happened there was no turning back. We had a full-fledged fire that was worthy of any junior league arsonist. Especially when that fire finally spread to the shed door, then to the front of the structure. Eventually the whole thing went up, and that’s when my parents, followed by a bunch of firemen, showed up. By then the shed was a total loss and Damien and I knew we were in a world of hurt because of it.”
“Ah, yes. The punishment phase.”
“Which we hadn’t thought through.” Daniel smiled. “And, boy, was it rough. First we had to rebuild the shed, with our dad’s help. Then we had to spend an entire summer in indentured servitude to our neighbors, which kept us away from pretty much all of our usual activities. Plus our parents added chores to our normal chore list.”
“All of which kept you too busy to get into any more trouble.” Zoey laughed. “Sounds like a brilliant plan to me.”
“In retrospect, it was.” He shook his head. “We learned our lesson and the junior arsonists never picked up a book of matches again.” He paused as the waiter moved in to set the pitcher of beer on the table.
“So, what if Maddie burns down a shed one day?”
“I’ll send her down to my parents and let them deal with it. If they raised two hard-headed, often bad sons to be successful, I’m sure they’d be fine with one stubborn little girl.” Daniel poured beer from the pitcher into two mugs then hoisted his own mug up to his mouth and took a sip. “That’s supposing that people look at Damien and me as successful.”
“That depends on how you define success, I suppose.”
Daniel relaxed back into his chair, then scooted a sippy cup of milk in Maddie’s direction. “Good life, good family and friends, good job. That’s all a person really needs. That, and maybe a cat!”
Zoey laughed. “Definitely a cat.”
CHAPTER FIVE
DANIEL SAT BACK on the green wooden park bench and watched Zoey push Maddie in the swing. Zoey was all smiles and Maddie was all giggles—something beautiful to watch. Something else beautiful to watch: Zoey in her little pink T-shirt. And her curves. Dear God, he was watching something that he really shouldn’t. Again! Something that made him feel disloyal to Elizabeth. Again! But, try as he might, he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Try as he might, he didn’t want to take his eyes off her. Of course, he could chalk it up to the fact that most men admired beautiful women, and he fell into the category of most men.
Or he could admit to himself what he’d admitted the night before. He found Zoey particularly attractive. The way she moved, and smiled, and laughed...it was all so appealing. Damn it! That was an admission he didn’t want to make. Didn’t want to think about. Wasn’t ready to admit to. But he couldn’t turn it off.
So was this lonely desperation pulling him in, or was it a genuine attraction, like the attraction he’d felt for Elizabeth the first time he’d laid eyes on her?
Truthfully, he didn’t want to know the answer, as his choices over what to do about it weren’t exactly clear in his mind. Just shut your eyes and clear your head, Daniel. Yeah, right. Easier said than done.
“See how high I’m going, Daddy!” Maddie called out to him, thankfully breaking into his thoughts about Zoey.
“That’s pretty high,” he called back. She was barely off the ground, and strapped into a toddler’s swing, but his daughter was feeling all grown up right now, and it was cute. In fact, it was so cute he took out his phone and recorded several seconds of video of Maddie and Zoey together, something he’d transfer to his computer and store along with all his other videos and pictures. The recorded history of Maddie’s life that Elizabeth had wanted to give Maddie on her twenty-first birthday. One of Elizabeth’s strongest wishes for her daughter that he’d made a promise to carry out.
For a moment, he imagined Elizabeth there, pushing Maddie on the swing. Elizabeth’s long, blond hair was being tossed in the breeze and she was laughing. Such a beautiful laugh. Infectious. Musical. And Maddie looking so much like her mother it hurt.
Daniel shut his eyes to hold the memory in but, as he concentrated hard to keep it in place, it seemed to fade away anyway. And there he was again, watching Zoey. But this time not with attraction so much as admiration for all the qualities that were uniquely hers...qualities that were nothing like Elizabeth’s.
Yes, asking Zoey to come to the park with them this morning had been difficult, as it signaled the first time he’d truly stepped away from Elizabeth and allowed him to see himself with another woman. But it was also definitely a good idea because he knew he needed to take that step.
Of course, it had taken a bit of persuasion on his part to get Zoey to agree to the outing. She was as reluctant to move forward as he was, and two reluctant souls put together didn’t move forward at a very fast pace.
“I’m accepting only because I don’t have to work,” she’d cautioned him. “No other reason, Daniel.”
So much difficulty in such a simple thing.
Now here they were, all three of them together, enjoying the day. Or, in Zoey’s case, a couple hours of it, as that was all she’d promised him. And in spite of all his qualms over asking her, and there were many—all stemming from his feelings of guilt over a marriage that had been unfairly taken from him—he was glad he’d asked, as Zoey was a natural with Maddie. It was nice watching them together, although Daniel had to keep reminding himself that this was not his future. It was only part of the process of moving on, and Zoey was only a friend. And it should have been Elizabeth here instead.
“Go on without me, Daniel...”
Sighing, Daniel pulled himself off the bench and headed toward the swings. “You ladies ready to eat?” he called out to them, suddenly feeling a little drained from his emotional tug-of-war. Enjoying his day with Zoey. Hating his guilt over enjoying the day. Finding Zoey attractive. Hating himself for finding someone other than Elizabeth that attractive.
“Any time you are,” Zoey called back enthusiastically.
“Well, I’ve packed a variety of things, so you’ve got some decisions to make.”
“I want yogurt!” Maddie cried. “Strawberry.”
“And I just happen to have strawberry yogurt with me,” Daniel said, lifting his daughter from the swing. “I also brought string cheese. Which would you prefer?”
Maddie frowned, like she was on the verge of making the biggest decision of her life. “Can I have both?” she finally asked.
He arched eyebrows at Zoey and smiled. “I think we can manage that. Unless Zoey wants your yogurt and string cheese.”
“Do you?” Maddie asked her shyly.
“Nope. Those sound like just what you need.” Zoey fell in line behind Daniel as he and Maddie walked hand in hand toward the picnic table.
“She doesn’t want them, Daddy,” Maddie informed him in all seriousness.
Daniel picked up his daughter and swung her around and onto the picnic bench. Damn, he wanted to get himself back into the present, get Elizabeth out of his mind for a little while and replace her with what he was doing right now. But she was hanging on to him and not letting go...something he was beginning to regret. How long would this phase last? he wondered as he opened the picnic basket and set out a huge hand-tossed salad for Zoey and himself.
“Looks delicious,” Zoey commented, taking her seat across from Maddie. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”
Still trying to block Elizabeth out, Daniel shook his head. “I kept this simple. When I was a kid, my parents would take Damien and me on picnics every now and then, and my mother would spend hours in the kitchen preparing for it. I always wondered how she could enjoy herself after all that work. So now, when Maddie and I go out, I grab whatever’s handy, or buy something on the way, because I’d rather use the hours
my mother spent cooking enjoying my daughter.”
“Smart move. People get so tied up in things that aren’t important, they miss the real point.”
“Like food?” he asked. Daniel set the table with Maddie’s lunch then took his place next to her.
“Is food really the object of a picnic, or is it about having fun and enjoying the people you’re with?”
“I’m not much into food anymore. Elizabeth was a brilliant cook, and I ate well with her, but since she’s been gone none of it seems to matter. I feed Maddie what she wants, which is very little, and I usually snack off that. So for me, food’s never the object.”
“You’ve picked up a few pounds, though.” Zoey uncapped a bottle of water and took a drink.
“Does it look bad?” he asked.
She shook her head as she sat the water down on the table. “You were getting too thin, I think. It’s understandable, and I see that happen to family members all the time. But you do look better now.”
He smiled, surprised and even pleased that Zoey had observed that about him. “I need to keep fit for Maddie’s sake.”
“And for your own, Daniel. You count in that equation, too, you know.”
“Is that what you tell all the families?”
“I never go on picnics and get this involved with my families.”
“But you’ve made the exception with me.” He was flattered.
“I have, and I still don’t understand why.”
“No explanations necessary. I’m just glad you agreed to come with us today.” He looked down at his daughter, who was smeared with yogurt up to her ears. “I think Maddie’s glad, too. Aren’t you, Maddie?”
Maddie nodded, her sticky face all set in concentration on the eating task at hand. Zoey handed Daniel a face towel to take care of Maddie’s mess. “She’s doing better than she did the other night when we went out for pizza. I was afraid after that, that she wasn’t going to warm up to me.”
“It takes her a little while, but she eventually gets there.” He tousled his daughter’s hair. “Anyway, are you up to a museum or something else after we eat?”
“I don’t think so. I do have some paperwork to catch up on later today, and I need to make a few phone calls.”
Daniel hadn’t expected any more from Zoey, but he’d asked anyway. “Some other time, then?” he asked, not sure whether he sounded hopeful or wary.
“Maybe,” she said cautiously.
“Depending on what?” Daniel asked, venturing a step forward. One of the steps Elizabeth had asked of him.
“I’m not sure. Being here with you and Maddie like this isn’t something I normally do, and I need to see how I am with it once I’m by myself.”
“We’re that big of a step for you?” Apparently, she had her own steps to take, too.
“You have no idea. I set these fixed standards and it’s not like me to go against them. But all the rules I made were broken because I made the exception for you, and it’s not sitting as right as I’d like it to. And I apologize if my being so honest offends you, but I think it’s only fair to let you know how I’m feeling, since it concerns you.”
“I appreciate the honesty.” If not the sentiment.
She shrugged. “We’ll see, OK?”
“OK,” he agreed. “And in the meantime, if you change your mind, Maddie and I are at the other end of the cell phone. Call us if you find that your afternoon plans don’t come off as you’d expected. Or you simply want to change them.”
Zoey pushed herself off the bench and stood alongside the table for a moment. “Look, I’ve enjoyed this. The food was excellent and the conversation very nice.”
“But you’re writing us off anyway?” he asked, also standing up.
“It’s time. But I don’t want you to think I’m ungrateful or anything since I’m leaving. Because I’m not. This has been lovely.”
“Do I scare you, Zoey?” he asked bluntly. “Or is it the situation between us that scares you?”
“You don’t scare me, Daniel. Neither does our situation. I’m just trying to be a little more aware of what I’m doing. It’s easy to say yes to you, because I do like you and I enjoy being with you, but yes isn’t always in my best interests.”
“What’s in your best interests, Zoey? Tell me. Because I want to look after that, too.”
“Well, for one, it’s keeping away from things I know can hurt me.”
“You think I can hurt you?”
“Not intentionally. But I don’t want to get too invested in you only to find out that you can’t get that invested in me. That was my marriage and, if it’s taught me one thing, it’s not to put myself into a position where I’m going to be left standing alone at the outcome. When I went into my marriage to Brad, I did so with all kinds of hopes and dreams, only to discover that hopes and dreams won’t be fulfilled if the person you’re with doesn’t, or can’t, reciprocate them.” She shrugged. “My walls are well-constructed, Daniel. I don’t want to go through that again.”
“So it’s all about self-survival?”
Zoey laughed. “That sounds so serious.”
“It is, but we all have the instinct. Yours just seems to be a little more acute than most.”
“Years and years of practice.”
“So what are we going to do about that?” he asked.
“We aren’t going to do anything, Daniel. There is no we. And I’m not going to do anything at the moment because I don’t think you’re ready to move forward yet. Also, I’m not ready to compete in an arena where the last contender was perfect.”
She’d actually thought of herself in terms of competing with Elizabeth? That surprised him, and flattered him, as well. “Do you feel like I’m putting you in the position to compete with her? Because I don’t intend to.”
“It’s not that you’re putting me there, so much as I feel like I’m in the position to have to compete. And maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I hadn’t known Elizabeth. Or if you’d been a widower with a wife I’d never met. But I knew Elizabeth. Knew her very well, as a matter of fact. And I know I can’t hold a candle to her.”
“Nobody’s asking you to.”
“No. Nobody is. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’d always come in second place. You’ve had your great love, Daniel, and I don’t know that you can ever be truly happy with anything that comes afterward.”
“Can I do something to change that? Do something to help you get through it?”
“Do I need to get through it?” she asked him. “I mean, really, if we’re not involved, can’t I just live with my feelings?”
“But we are involved, Zoey. Like it or not, and fight it as hard as you wish, but we’ve been involved in one way or another since that day at the coffee shop. I’m not quite sure how, yet, but it’s there.”
“So is Elizabeth.”
“Which I can’t change. She was...still is...a very important part of my life, and I’m not making any apologies for the way I feel about her. She’s always going to be with me, through Maddie, through my memories... We didn’t divorce, like you did when your love ended. We ended in love.”
“And that’s my problem to deal with, Daniel. Not yours.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. See, it’s my problem, too.”
“How?”
“I like having you in my life. Like having you as a friend. Like the idea that we could become more than friends at some point. But with Elizabeth being your stumbling block...” He shrugged. “I don’t know how to go about this, Zoey. You know I haven’t dated. I hadn’t even thought about dating again until you.”
“But I’m scared to be your first, Daniel. I don’t want to be the practice date for something or someone else you might find on down the line.”
�
�That’s direct.” More direct than anything he’d ever had with Elizabeth, and he found it nice. Refreshing. Something he hadn’t known he’d missed out on until he found it in Zoey.
“Well, we are direct, aren’t we? But we’re also honest. I mean, I know we’re flirting with something, Daniel. I can feel it, and I think you can, too. It’s so undefined, though, and I’m not sure either one of us wants to define it.”
“So what’s the next step here?” This was confusing him. She was as much as admitting that she had feelings for him, yet she was running away from them. Of course, he wasn’t exactly advancing that far forward, either, was he? And, deep down, did he even want to advance?
Zoey reached across and squeezed his hand. “You’ll know what you have to do when the time is right.”
“I hope so.”
“I know so.” She stepped back from the table. “Like I said, I do appreciate being asked to come out with you today. It’s nice doing something different for a change.”
“Will I see you again?” he asked, in spite of his misgivings.
“How about we leave it as it is for now, and I’ll call you later in the week to let you know how Mr. Baumgartner is doing with home care?”
“Be warned—I might suggest something then.” If he screwed up the courage.
“And I might be agreeable.” She looked down at Maddie, who was disassembling her stick of string cheese. “I’ll see you soon, Maddie. It was fun playing with you today.”
Maddie nodded but didn’t look up. But Daniel waved at Zoey as she trekked off to her car. It had been a nice morning. A bit of an eye opener, as far as Zoey’s openness was concerned. At least he knew where he stood. Nowhere, was the answer, and he should have been satisfied with that, given his own conflicted feelings. But he wasn’t. Not at all. The only thing was, he wasn’t sure if he was up to pursuing her just now. His life was full, and it would probably be best to stick to what he already had. He was perfectly contented there.
Still, Zoey was stirring things up in him. Things that hadn’t been stirred in a very long time. He couldn’t determine what or how yet, but he felt the gentle nudges, trying to let themselves in, which meant it was time for some deep soul-searching. Of course, that was some thinking best put off until another day. Right now, he had to concentrate on Maddie and what the two of them were going to do with the rest of their day.
