by Dianne Drake
* * *
Restless. That was what she was feeling tonight. Restless and apprehensive. And excited, as well. Daniel certainly caused a mix of emotions in her, and she wondered how someone could both dread and look forward to a simple date.
It wasn’t like she’d never dated before, even though that was what this felt like—a total first date scenario. Honestly, she’d never felt this way with her husband. No breathless anticipation. No real excitement. “So what was I thinking when I married him?” she asked her mother in an uncharacteristic midweek phone call.
“You were probably thinking with your hormones,” her mother said. “The way all young people do nowadays.”
Zoey thought back to the weeks leading up to her wedding, and she couldn’t remember an abundance of hormones in action. Or maybe she didn’t want to remember them. Either way, she’d been attracted to Brad. He was a handsome man. Smooth-talking. Sophisticated. But her desires hadn’t overwhelmed her the way her desires toward Daniel had. “That was a long time ago. I don’t exactly remember.”
“Are they kicking up again?” her mother went on. “Is that why you’re so nervous about dating this young man?”
She wasn’t sure she could sum up her nervousness in a simple explanation, as she didn’t really understand it herself. “No. His wife was one of my patients and, even though I didn’t notice him so much then, it all changed when I met up with him recently.”
“Changed as in...?”
“I really like the guy, Mom. He’s nice to me. Attentive. Fun to talk to. Nothing at all like Brad.”
“They don’t all turn out to be Brad, dear. Let’s hope this man you’re about to start dating is one of the good ones.”
“His name is Daniel. And, yes, I think he is one of the good ones,” Zoey admitted.
“Don’t get my hopes up,” her mother warned. “You’re not getting any younger, you know. And neither am I. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you’ll find yourself in a happy relationship that gets you married and pregnant.”
“You’re being premature, since this is our first real date, and I have no idea how it’s going to turn out.”
“But one date leads to another.”
“Maybe.” She wasn’t quite ready to see herself in a second date picture. Even though she and Daniel had been together a lot these past weeks, she’d never considered what they’d been doing together as dating. So, in Zoey’s mind, a dinner at the pier on Friday night was indeed a first date. That was as far as she allowed herself to think ahead. “But we’ll have to wait and see how the first one turns out.”
“Since you nursed his wife, I assume he’s a widower. So, does he have children?”
“A three-year-old daughter.”
“Then I could be a grandmother sooner than I thought!”
“Hold on. You’re jumping way ahead.”
“Just planning my future,” her mother said cheerfully.
“Well, don’t plan too hard. I haven’t even been on a first date yet.”
“Do you like this Daniel enough to think about having a future with him? Maybe not married for now, but something serious?”
“I do like him. Very much. The thing that worries me, though, is that he’s still quite connected to his wife, so I don’t know how that could turn into anything for me.” Zoey settled back into her sofa and kicked up her feet. Even though they had their moments of disagreement, it was nice talking to her mother about this. Nice having a real mother-to-daughter chat. “But like I said, I like him more than I probably should, considering the circumstances.”
“Tell me about those circumstances, dear,” her mother said. “Anything you’re comfortable with.”
Sighing, Zoey dropped her head back onto the sofa cushions. “Well, it all started a year ago when I was assigned to take care of...” Shutting her eyes, she continued the story, starting with the first time she’d met Daniel and ending with today. When she finally hung up the phone, she was exhausted emotionally. But satisfied. And for the first time, hopeful, because the story she’d just told her mother seemed like it should have a happy ending. Whether or not it would was yet to be determined, but for now she was content to let her new-found hopefulness embrace her.
* * *
He didn’t normally pay much attention to his appearance anymore. At work he wore scrubs. Any place else, he wore jeans and whatever shirt or sweater he pulled out of his closet. Today was different, though. He wanted to look good for Zoey.
Daniel found a pair of nice khaki trousers in the back of the closet and wondered if they still fit him. He’d been all over the place with his weight this past year—down, then back up. Honestly, he didn’t know where these trousers belonged in his transition, so he tried them on and decided they looked decent enough. The long-sleeved, blue-striped dress shirt looked pretty good on him, too. So he was set. Casual and stylish. At least he hoped he was, as the last time he’d cared about his appearance he’d had someone to critique him on it.
This wasn’t easy, moving on the way he was doing. Seeing Zoey on a non-date was one thing, but an honest-to-goodness date with her? One he’d actually declared a date? No, it wasn’t easy at all, because it was the first step in letting go, which seemed to be a big problem for him.
“Go on without me, Daniel...”
Of course he’d told Abby it was time, and maybe he was right to heed his own words. And Elizabeth’s words. Maybe it was time. After all, who drew the line in the sand that marked the moment when someone was supposed to step over it and forge ahead?
Put away the guilt, Daniel warned himself as he checked out his appearance in the bathroom mirror. It’s going to ruin your evening. It’s going to ruin Zoey’s evening.
Damn, he wished he had Elizabeth here to talk to. She’d have known how he was supposed to progress. But she wasn’t here, and her voice was beginning to fade away.
* * *
“Our reservation is for seven thirty,” Daniel told Zoey. “So we’ve got some time to kill before we need to leave.”
“Care for some wine? Or a soft drink?” Daniel looked nervous. Almost as nervous as she was feeling.
“Wine would be good,” he said. “In the kitchen, or in here?”
What was she thinking? She hadn’t offered him a seat. “Please, sit on the couch. It’s more comfortable than my kitchen chairs.”
“Well, you saw my couch the other night, all stained with grape juice and spaghetti sauce,” he said. “Which is why I normally take people straight out to the kitchen.”
“The perils of having a three-year-old...” She stopped talking, blinked, then sighed. “Why are we both so nervous?” she finally asked him. “I mean, it’s not like we haven’t been seeing each other for a while, because we’ve been seeing each other everywhere.”
“I guess attaching the tag ‘official date’ to what we’re doing is the reason.”
“Are you ready to date again, Daniel?” she asked bluntly.
“I think I am.”
“But you’re not sure.”
“Does that offend you? Because I didn’t mean for it to.”
“No, I’m not offended. And I’m glad you can be honest about your feelings, because I know this can’t be easy for you.”
“I didn’t used to be so damned tentative. Back when I met Elizabeth, I was pretty bold. Asked her out the same day I met her. None of this hesitating, like we’re doing.”
And so Elizabeth was creeping back in. “I don’t see you as tentative so much as I see you being cautious.”
“‘Cautious’ is a polite way to put it.”
“Then why did you ask me out? Why move past what we’ve already established between us and risk it not working?”
“Are you satisfied where we are?”
The directness of Daniel’
s question caught Zoey off-guard as she’d never thought about the two of them in terms of being satisfied. “Maybe not satisfied so much as accepting.” Before he could probe any deeper, she hurried off to the kitchen to fetch the wine, and returned a few minutes later holding two goblets half-full of a white Zinfandel. “I hope this is OK. I should have asked you, since I do have a nice Burgundy open, as well.”
“It’s fine,” he said, taking his glass. “So, why don’t you sit down and try to relax for a little while, instead of running around, trying to stay away from me?”
“I’m not trying to stay away from you,” she defended, even though she wondered if that was exactly what she was doing.
“But you’re not trying to stay close, either.”
“Daniel, you know I have qualms about the two of us. I mean, I don’t want to, but I can’t help that it’s happening.”
“Yet we keep coming back together, and you do nothing to stop that.”
So true. She wasn’t trying to put an end to them. “Do you want to stop it?” she asked him.
“No.”
“Neither do I.”
“Then we keep going on the way we are, nervous and tentative? Me afraid to move ahead, you afraid of me?”
“That’s not how I want it, Daniel. But it’s the way it seems to work out.” Zoey sat down, but not too close to him. “It’s like we’re the right people but we’re one step out of time.”
She took a sip of her wine, taking care not to spill any, as her hands were shaking slightly when she raised the glass to her lips. “And I don’t know how to take the step that will put us back in time together.”
“It’s funny how we can see the problem but can’t find a way to fix it.”
“Maybe that’s because neither one of us is sure we want it fixed.”
And again, it was back to Elizabeth. She should have been angry, but she wasn’t. More like she was just sad. Sad for her. Sad for Daniel. Sad for what they might want yet couldn’t reach out and grab on to.
CHAPTER TEN
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE house salad and the seafood Newburg, Zoey mentioned wall climbing and how she looked forward to doing it on Saturday mornings a couple of times a month. Her description of how she scaled the wall caught Daniel’s attention because he didn’t take his eyes off her for even a moment of it. Then, somewhere between the seafood Newburg and the cheesecake, she’d asked him if he’d like to go with her. Tomorrow morning. Bright and early to beat the crowds. Bring Maddie, she’d said. They’d have a nice brunch somewhere afterward.
Daniel had agreed, quite eagerly. So now here he was, on their first real date, sitting on a public bench with Zoey at the dock, at night, both of them watching a tug boat make its way slowly to the harbor, while he was wondering how much of a fool he was going to make of himself the next morning. It wasn’t inevitable that he was going to come off as clumsy to Zoey, since he did have a fair amount of athletic skill in his background. But all that was a long time ago, and he was so out of practice at almost everything now, he was worried that what should probably come easily would not. Quite honestly, he didn’t want to make a fool of himself in front of her.
Out of practice but not out of shape, he reminded himself, thinking of all the grueling physical hours he put in at the hospital. Those were a workout in themselves, which was good, considering he didn’t have much time to get to the gym.
Still, spending a Saturday morning with Zoey... He was excited by the prospect no matter what form it took. “Are you sure you want me along?” he asked, keeping his fingers crossed she wouldn’t have seconds thoughts. “Because I might embarrass you.”
“I really want you to come. I mean, you don’t have to, if you don’t want to. But I thought you might enjoy it since it’ll be something new for you. You don’t have other plans, do you?”
“Not in the morning. Maddie wants to come down to the pier in the afternoon and throw bread to the seagulls, though. But that’s all I have on the schedule, so I’m...we’re...free in the morning.”
“Well, I don’t climb all day. Usually an hour or so does it for me. And, like I said, if we have time we can catch a brunch somewhere afterward.”
“Brunch sounds good.”
“Well, the restaurant I have in mind sets up a nice little buffet table for children, so I’ll bet we’ll be able to convince her to eat something.”
“You thought of Maddie when you were planning this?” He was genuinely touched that she was considerate enough to include his child in the plans.
“She counts, too, you know. I think a lot of people overlook kids, sort of lump them into the group with everybody else, or forget that they have their own preferences. But they do, so I figured she’d like a buffet that serves spaghetti, pizza and chicken nuggets. All kids’ favorites.”
Daniel leaned over and kissed Zoey on the cheek, then wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Thank you,” he whispered. “One of the toughest aspects of getting back into the swing of a social life is finding a place for Maddie there. We come as a package deal and I have a really big fear that some people—a woman I might date, for instance—would be put off by that.”
“Those are the people who don’t deserve to be your friend. Anyone who would be put off by a child... I guess I don’t understand that. To know you is to know that Maddie is a huge part of who you are. If they don’t accept her, they don’t accept you.”
“But it’s a very real fear for a lot of single parents. I have a friend at the hospital, another doctor, who was dating someone he believed could be his next wife. That is, until she asked him if he would send his son off to a boarding school so they could have more time alone together.”
“It ruined the relationship, didn’t it?”
“As well as his desire to date again. That was three years ago, and he’s turned into a social hermit, kind of like me.”
“You’re not a social hermit, Daniel. Not totally.”
He chuckled. “But I’m damned close to it, and even you’ll have to admit that.”
Sighing, Zoey leaned her head against him. “What I’ll admit is that you’re a little bumpy at the starting gate. But I don’t think that, when the gate’s fully open to you, Maddie will hold you back. You’re too good of a parent to get involved with someone who doesn’t want her around.”
“Maddie coming first in my life doesn’t bother you, does it?”
“What would bother me is if she didn’t come first. Look, where I go climbing they have a small wall, just a few feet off the ground, for children. It’s only a few hand-holds high, but it does give the children a feel for a real wall. I thought Maddie might enjoy trying that once she sees us climbing.”
“You’ve thought of everything to take care of my daughter, haven’t you?”
“I want Maddie to have as much fun as you’ll have climbing.”
“I appreciate that.” Dinner had been lovely and right now he felt as contented as he’d felt in a long time. They’d successfully avoided talking about their relationship and instead listened to each other’s stories of home and family and things that had taken place in their lives, all of it very nice. “Even if we put Maddie on the wall, don’t you think an hour of climbing sounds like a long time to be suspending yourself from ropes?”
“It’ll go by faster than you think. And I promise you’ll love it!” Zoey said enthusiastically. “One of these days I hope to scale a real rock outside somewhere, and not one set up in a warehouse.”
“As in mountain climbing?”
“In my future, maybe.”
“By any chance, do you ski? Because I love to ski, and maybe we can do it together sometime.” Here he was now, making plans into their future. And, surprisingly, not overcome with enormous guilt. More than that, the fact that he didn’t feel guilty didn’t make him feel guilty. Times
were changing.
“Ah, a part of your world.”
“A nice part. I used to try to go out several times during the winter. Go up to Canada, actually, where they have some amazing ski runs.”
“You and Elizabeth?”
He shook his head no. “She hated the slopes. But I tried to change her mind. Got her out with me one day, but she refused to leave the ski lodge.” He chuckled, remembering Elizabeth’s stubbornness. Once she’d put her foot down, there’d been no changing her mind. Like mother like daughter, as Maddie had the same trait. “Instead, she stayed back and sipped hot cocoa.”
“Not me! I’d be out there, making a fool of myself, since I’ve never skied. So now do you take Maddie when you go?”
“I haven’t. Last time I skied was before Elizabeth got sick, and Maddie was only a baby then. But I’m hoping to get her out there this year and introduce her to one of the beginner runs.”
“Would Elizabeth have allowed that?”
“As much as she refused for herself, I don’t think she would have held Maddie back. At least, until Maddie herself expressed her like or dislike of an activity. She was very open-minded about those types of things as far as Maddie was concerned.”
“Maddie’s like her, isn’t she?”
“Very much. She looks like her, acts like her, but the hell of it is I’m not even sure she has that much memory of her.”
“By the time I knew Elizabeth she was too sick to take part in much parenting. I wish that I could have seen more of her being Maddie’s mother.”
“She was born for it,” Daniel said as a sadness settled into his eyes. But, he shook it off immediately with an actual physical shake of his body. “Anyway, about skiing... Do you want to come with us sometime this winter?”
“Winter’s a long ways off.”
“I like to plan ahead.” And planning ahead with Zoey was taking a big leap of faith that they’d have more than tonight and tomorrow together. Daniel pulled her tighter into him and bent to whisper in her ear, “And, since you’ve never skied, I’m going to love teaching you.”
