by Bart King
The Big Book of Boy Stuff
Bart King
Illustrations by Chris Sabatino
The Big Book of Boy Stuff
Digital Edition v1.0
Text © 2004 Bart King
Illustrations © 2004 Chris Sabatino
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means whatsoever without written permission from the publisher, except brief portions quoted for purpose of review.
This book makes mention of some activities that carry an element of risk or danger. Readers of the book are urged to make wise decisions and to consult prudent adults before engaging in some of these activities and projects. The author and publisher disclaim all responsibility for injury resulting from the performance of any activities described in this book. Readers assume all legal responsibility for their actions.
I have relied on my own experience as well as many different sources for this book, and I have done my best to check facts and to give credit where it is due. In the event that any material is incorrect or has been used without proper permission, please contact me in care of the publisher so that the oversight can be rectified.
Gibbs Smith, Publisher
PO Box 667
Layton, UT 84041
Orders: 1.800.835.4993
www.gibbs-smith.com
ISBN: 978-1-4236-1118-9
This book is dedicated to Suzanne Taylor...after all, it was HER idea!
Acknowledgments
There have been a number of people who have contributed to this book in one misguided way or another. Those who were particularly helpful were Dallas Wassink; Troy Taylor; Peter Ford; Mary Groh; Andrew and Aaron Judd; Erik King; Simon Wintle; Richard Feely; Linda Holt; Dr. Matthew Grow; Lt. Col. Melinda Grow; Kathleen, Shannon, and Luke Twomey; Kristin Heintz; Michelle Herrmann; Sarah Enbody; Kris, Oliver, and Michael King; Michael Lepene; Kelby Smith; Tanner Johnson; Gretchen and Dan Ryan; Mary Falkenstein; Jenny Ball; Andrew Simon; Kay Moore; Deb and Marcus Triest; Jim Murai; Sean Fronczak; Peter King; Mary Wiley; Genevieve Smith; Anita Phillips; and all members of the Kodiak and Sasquatch Teams at Cedar Park Middle School. Many thanks!
A note of appreciation also goes to Brody vanderSommen, both for his useful ideas and for his excellent website designs. Check out his skills at www.bigbookofboystuff.com.
Finally, to my wife Lynn: Much love and thanks for your help and wisdom.
The Big Book of Boy Stuff
Table of Contents
Adult Introduction
Boy Introduction
Activities!
Dogs and Others!
Dumb Directions on Products!
Emergencies!
Experiments!
Fireworks and Explosions!
Flying Things!
Fun in the Outdoors!
Gadgets, Tools, and Toys!
Indoor Games!
Outdoor Games!
Girls, Bullies, and Parties!
Gross Stuff!
Halloween: Oct. 31st (“All Hallows’ Eve”)
Holidays!
Insults!
Jokes!
Juggling and Yo-yos!
Magic!
Making Faces! Making Sounds!
Man Food for Manhood!
Practical Jokes!
Rhetorical Questions!
Riddles!
Slang!
Storytelling!
Tongue Twisters Rule!
Video Games!
Weapons!
Famous Last Words!
Recommended Reading!
Bibliography
Adult Introduction
If you think this is a book in which a boy may turn to any page and find something to do, laugh at, or think about, you’re right.
I began work on this project by consulting writers from ages past. Starting with the perspective of an older time, I found a variety of suggested activities for boys that today’s safety-conscious culture can’t stomach—bottle-rocket wars at midnight, survival hikes, rifle practice with live ammunition, skydiving without a helmet, that sort of thing. Yet while I researched these works with wide eyes, I couldn’t help wondering whether (with the proper precautions) these dangerous activities were more preferable for a boy than, say, video games.
A book by Boy Scouts founder and World War I veteran Sir Robert Baden-Powell described three indispensable elements of a boy’s world: “Fun, feeding, and fighting.” Although this sounds simplistic and rambunctious, my mind kept returning to that phrase: Fun, feeding, and fighting.
I’ve had the good fortune of teaching middle-school students for fifteen years, and I believe that Sir Baden-Powell is right. To a large degree, that is what boys care about. Thus, my hope is that the specters of political correctness, social nicety, and fear of litigation have been held at bay just long enough to infuse this book with the spirit of true boyish fun. (Don’t worry; there are no actual references to bare-knuckle boxing or live ammo in here.)
In search of (for lack of a better phrase) “all killer, no filler,” I have tried to avoid the watered-down, “socially correct” approach that lurks in much of the material available for this age group. I hope the result is a book in which a boy may turn to any page and find something to do, laugh at, or think about.
Just like you thought.
Boy Introduction
Maybe someone gave you this book as a gift. Maybe you don’t want to read it. Maybe you think this book stinks.
Think again.
Read this book. You’re going to like it.
Trust me!
Activities!
So, you’re looking for something to do, huh? Well, you’ve come to the right place. The best kind of fun is the fun you make on your own. Remember when you were a little ankle-biter and you’d make a fort by throwing a blanket or some old sheets over the couch? Or the time that you tied a garbage bag around yourself and slid down the snow-covered hill? And remember when you made your own jet plane and flew to Timbuktu?
Before reading on, you must promise to use the following outstanding activities for good, not evil. Do you promise? Are your fingers crossed? Are your eyes crossed? Okay, then take a look below! I have listed the activities from the easiest to the most challenging.
The Most Dangerous Dance in the World! Be careful when you learn the traditional Polish dance called the zbojnicke (djeh-BOHJ-nick-ee). That’s the one where the man swings an axe in circles above the ground and the woman has to jump over it, duck under it, and basically look out. Then she takes the axe!
I Am an Idiot
This is probably the stupidest activity of all time. Because of this, it always cracks me up.
You Need:
to have the alphabet memorized
Try to say the alphabet without moving your lips or your tongue at all. No cheating! Whenever I do this, every letter sounds exactly the same; try it for yourself. (Hey, I said I would start with the easy stuff. If you find this activity too challenging, you may want to put this book down and go eat a Popsicle.)
Treasure Hunt in the Couch
For those on the lookout for spare change and cracker crumbs!
You Need:
a couch or sofa
If you are tough enough to brave the sight of lint, small toys, dirt, and crumbs, you might make enough money to buy a candy bar by playing this game.
Here’s what you do: Put on coveralls and plastic gloves. (Protective eyewear is optional.) Drag a garbage can over to the sofa. Now lift up one of the sofa cushions. Careful! You never know what kind of filthy varmint might be hiding down there! There could be cockroaches, or even that annoying kid from down the block.
Anyway, keep pulling up the cushions. As you find disgusting pieces of rancid and dried-out food, throw them out. If you find any clothes you’ve been missing, put them in the laundry. If that annoying neighbor kid is down there, send him home pronto! And finally, the treasure: nickels, dimes, quarters, maybe even dollars! Heck, maybe there’s a credit card down there! I just did this, and I made $1.35, so try this amazing game every few months or so and see what you come up with.
Talk the Cop Talk, Walk the Cop Walk
Looking for official police officer activities? Use the following information.
For Activity 1, You need:
this book!
For Activity 2, You need:
Krazy Glue any box with a lid
Activity 1
You’ve probably noticed that police officers have lots of codes and lingo that they use. Codes are not only practical, but they sound cool too. For example, if an officer is radioing in a suspicious license plate, they don’t say, “Run a check on license 174 DBP.” The problem is that some letters sound like other things; in this license, D sounds like B and P, which could mess things up. (“One-Adam-12, did someone pee on your license plate?”)
Instead, the officer might say, “Run a check on 174 Delta Bravo Papa.” This is cool cop talk that keeps things sensible! Here is the cop talk alphabet:
Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-ray, Yankee, Zulu
Use these words to spell things out (“Please be advised that I would like some Golf-Uniform-Mike now”) as well as for general silliness. (“Dad, take cover! We have a Zulu alert! Repeat, a Zulu alert!”)
Activity 2
Detecting fingerprints is one of the most important police tools there is. If you have ever wanted to do this yourself, here’s what you do.
Get a small box with a lid (a shoebox works great). Pour a small puddle of Krazy Glue on a piece of foil or waxed paper (or anything.) Put that at one end of the box. Put the item you want to check for fingerprints at the other end of the box. This method will work best on hard, smooth items: anything glass, metal or hard plastic will work, like a mirror or a knife blade. Make sure the lid is on tight. Leave the box in the sun for four to five hours. Come back and check for prints! (The molecules from the glue will get stuck to the greasy fingerprints!)
If you want to compare the prints to a suspect’s, have your suspect push their finger on an inkpad and roll their finger one time on a sheet of white paper.
Kung Fu Egg
It’s time to use lightning-quick reflexes on an egg!
You Need:
an egg
a piece of aluminum foil
a glass
a playing card
Don’t use a hard-boiled egg for this trick; it’s more exciting if you don’t! The setup for this activity just takes a moment. You just need to make a foil-ring platform to hold up the egg. Cut or tear a rectangular piece of foil and make a ring with it that will support the egg with its fat end down.
Now fill the glass about 2/3 of the way with water. Put the playing card over the glass. Finally, set the foil ring and egg in the center of the card.
Practice a few good kung fu yells and moves! Scream, chop, and kick! Finally, approach the egg. With a show of great concentration, reach out your hand and quickly and sharply flick the card hard, so that it shoots off the glass. The egg will sink into the water, and it won’t even break!
*Don’t try this activity with an ostrich egg! Ostriches lay the biggest eggs of any bird. One of their eggs could support your weight if you stood on it, and its contents are equal to 24 chicken eggs!
Screen Message
Use your TV as a chalkboard!
You Need:
a TV in a room that gets dark
a strong flashlight
Okay, make sure that the room the TV is in is totally dark and that the TV is turned off. Take the flashlight and push it up against the top left corner of the TV. Now turn it on and, without removing it from the screen, write your name by sliding the flashlight on the screen. Don’t go too fast! When you’re done, turn the light off and step back. Your name will be in lights!
Now get up next to the TV and put your hand on the screen. With your other hand, take the flashlight and start shining it all over the screen. Don’t move the beam too fast; do this for no less than two minutes. (Longer for better effect.) Once you’ve done the above, turn off the flashlight and remove your hand. You will see a dark image of it on the screen, while the screen glows behind it!
Pet on a Leash
Don’t just swat those big houseflies! Catch them!
You Need:
A plastic container with a lid
some thread
Don’t you hate it when one of those gigantic houseflies gets inside and starts divebombing your head when you’re trying to do something important, like take a nap? Well, instead of just swatting the big galoot, why not do something more creative?
Wait until the fly goes to a window (or any flat surface.) Take a tupperware container that your parents don’t mind you using and trap the fly under it! (You’ve got to be a little fast and a lot patient.) Then slide the lid under the container without lifting up the edges much, so the fly doesn’t escape.
Seal the lid on. Don’t worry, the fly won’t suffocate; that’s because you are going to put it in the freezer! The temperature will fall so quickly, the fly will be “knocked out” in a little while. Smart people call this “cryostasis.” ( I call it “really cold.”)
Check the fly in about 10–15 minutes. If it looks unconscious, have your thread ready, and open up the container. Acting carefully and quickly, tie a knot with the thread around one of the fly’s legs. Don’t pull it too tight; you don’t want to be cruel! (Make sure to wash your hands well once you are done with this; a fly can have millions of germs on its body.)
Unroll a few feet of the thread, and cut the other end. Put it under something heavy, so the insect can’t fly away when it wakes up. Then wait for a while. The fly will come to and try to fly. Then it will reach the end of the thread. It’s your pet!
When you are done playing with your fly, take it outside, reel it in a ways, and cut the thread as close to it as you can. Set it free!
Monster Teeth
These are the perfect thing to do if you are babysitting some young kids and want to scare them!
You Need:
an orange
a knife (careful!)
some kitchen scissors
Cut an orange from top to bottom into halves. (Be careful; if you cut your finger off, this isn’t as much fun.) Then cut the halves in half from top to bottom, so that you have four quarters of an orange.
Peel one of the sections. Then take the orange peel and cut it lengthwise down the middle. Not all the way! Leave about 1/2 inch at each end.
Now you need to make the teeth. About every 1/4 inch on both sides of your first cut, make a 1/4-inch cut with your scissors. (These little cuts should be toward the edge of the orange peel.)
You’re ready! Turn the orange peel inside out, put it under your lips, and go look in the mirror. Most excellent!
Shooting the Airball
The coolest thing that you’ve never done!
You Need:
2 heavy nonflammable objects
a blow-dryer
a Ping-Pong ball
Take the blow-dryer and place it between your two heavy objects. (Don’t block the blow-dryer’s intake vent with either of these.) Point the air drier straight up. Then plug it in and turn it on to its highest setting. Now take your Ping-Pong ball and place it in the airstream about a foot over the drier. Amazing! It should stay suspended in the air. If it doesn’t, try placing it farther up or down in the airstream. As gravity pulls down, the air pushes up, and the ball stays in the middle!
Now if you want to shoot your air ball, just go get the peashooter
that you can design in the “Weapons” chapter and have at it!
The Primitive Phone
Yeah, you could use a real phone, but why?
You Need:
a couple of cans
some string or a long garden hose
2 funnels
some duct tape
I’m going to assume that you have probably already made a phone-line by tying a piece of string between two cans. That is a really primitive phone, where the sound waves of your voices follow the string to the cans.
Let’s take it a step further. If you have an old garden hose (the longer, the better) lying around that your parents don’t want anymore, have your parents cut off the metal ends with a hacksaw. Stick one funnel in each end and tape them in place.
If you put one funnel up to your mouth and the other up to your ear, you can say something and then hear it a second or two afterward. Now give one end to your friend and have him go out of sight. Have secret conversations! Use the hose as the way to communicate with your hideout!
Secrets of the Air! If you are ever flying in an airplane and have a headset, put on the headphones and put the plug up to your mouth. Although people may think you are insane, talk to (or blow into) the plug. The sound will be transmitted to your ears! If you are flying with friends or family, have another person trade plug ends with you. You can carry on a whispered conversation that others cannot hear!
