by Bart King
January 18: Winnie the Pooh Day
January 23: National Pie Day
January 29: Dead Animal Rights Day
February
February is Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month, Low Vision Awareness Month, Canned Foods Month, and National Snack Food Month.
February 3: Bean-Throwing Festival. In Japan, a day to throw beans into the corners of houses to drive out evil spirits. Hanging sardine heads from your doorway also keeps them away.
February 7: Wave at Your Neighbors Day. *Wave “hello” to your neighbors!
February 13: Get a Different Name Day.* For anyone who hates his birth name, today he may change his name to whatever he wants!
February 14: Ferris Wheel Day
February 15: Felix Frankfurter’s Birthday
February 20: Battle of the Flowers. In southern France, a day to throw flowers at anyone you want!
February 24: Fastelavn! In Denmark on this day, children can poke their parents awake with decorated sticks. Nursery schools have events called “Slå katten av tønnen” (knock the cat off the barrel). Children hit a wooden barrel with a stick and try to knock a stuffed cat off the top!
March
March is National Peanut Month, National Noodle Month, National Umbrella Month, and National Frozen Food Month.
March 1: National Pig Day
March 9: Panic Day*
March 16: Lips Appreciation Day*
March 21: Earth Day
March 22: International Goof-Off Day and International Day of the Seal
March 26: Make Up Your Own Holiday Day*
March 26: Teacher’s Day. Hey, in the Czech Republic, all the teachers get gifts from their students on this day. What a great idea!
April
April is National Humor Month, Straw Hat Month, and National Twinkie Month. April also has Cussing Day. This was historically a day to insult sinners who didn’t change their ways. Also, don’t forget Black Monday, the first Monday back at school after spring break.
April 1: National Hug Your Newsperson Day. In Scotland, they call this Huntigowk Day! Okay, it’s also April Fools’ Day. Things got a little bit confused in Europe about 1,500 years ago. Although most cultures used the Roman calendar (the same one we use now), not all kingdoms celebrated the start of the year at the same time.
In France, the New Year celebration ended on April first. But in 1562, Pope Gregory introduced a new calendar for Europe, and the new year began on January 1st. It was hard to communicate with large groups of people back then; there were no computers or phones or even newspapers. There were some people who hadn’t heard of or didn’t believe in the change in the date of the new year, so they continued to celebrate New Year’s Day on April first. They were fools. Others played tricks on them and called them “April fools.” They sent them on “fool’s errands” (“Go collect the teeth of a hen!”) or tried to make them believe that something false was true. (“The Big Book of Boy Stuff is no good!”) Anyway, see the “Practical Jokes!” chapter, for some good material to use on this day.
April 14: International Moment of Laughter Day
April 14: Festival of the Sardine in Spain
April 17: Blah Blah Blah Day*
April 18 or 19: World Cow Chip–Throwing Championship Contest, Beaver, Oklahoma
April 17: Children’s Day. In Turkey, kids take over the government and get free ice cream and movies all day. An idea whose time has come!
May
May is National Get Happy Month, National Hamburger Month, and National Salsa Month. Also, National Digestive Disease Week is celebrated at the end of this month.
May 6: No Homework Day.* Let your teachers know!
May 8: Furry Day
May 11: Eat What You Want Day*
May 14: National Dance Like a Chicken Day
May 18: Mike the Headless Chicken Day. Mike was a rooster whose head was chopped off in 1945, but who lived a full year-and-a-half after that! Mike’s owner was a farmer named Jeb Olsen. He chopped Mike’s head off and then watched the bird flap back to the barnyard. Mike hung out with the other chickens and even tried to eat corn off the ground with no head! Jeb learned to feed Mike with an eyedropper right down his neck hole! He would eventually choke on a kernel of corn that got stuck in his throat, and die, but not before he became the most famous headless chicken in the world! Visit www.miketheheadlesschicken.org for more information.
May 23: World Turtle Day
May 25: National Tap Dance Day
June
June is National Accordion Awareness Month, National Frozen Yogurt Month, International Men’s Month, and National Pest Control Month. This is also the month the world celebrates International Pickle Week.
June 6: National Yo-yo Day
June 20: World Juggling Day
June 26: Shrimp Festival Day. A day to celebrate seafood and short people!
July
July is National Baked Bean Month, National Hot Dog Month, National Ice Cream Month, and it is the official Anti-Boredom Month! July also contains Mosquito Week!
July 1: International Joke Day
July 4: Turtle Independence Day in Hawaii!
July 6: Nothing Day and National Pickle Festival
July 10: Don’t Step on a Bee Day*
July 15: Be a Dork Day.* This is the day to be a dork and be proud. Wear goofy clothing, don’t brush your teeth, eat yucky food, and fall off a swing set.
July 27: Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day*
August
August is Foot Health Month and National Catfish Month. August contains International Clown Week and National Smile Week.
August 2: National Ice Cream Sandwich Day
August 5: National Mustard Day
August 6: Wiggle Your Toes Day
August 10: Lazy Day
August 13: Blame Someone Else Day
August 18: Bad Poetry Day*
Last Wednesday of August: The Festival of the Tomatoes (Festival de la Tomatina) in Buol, Spain. More than 800,000 tomatoes are used in this colossal tomato fight. The streets run red to celebrate a time when a tomato cart was knocked over in the town decades ago, resulting in an argument and a tomato fight. Go figure!
September
September is National Little League Month and National Mushroom Month. The last week of September is National Eczema Week in the United Kingdom.
September 5: Be Late for Something Day
September 6: Do It Today Day
September 10: Hot Dog Day
September 14: National Cream-Filled Doughnut Day
September 16: National Playdoh Day
September 19: Talk Like a Pirate Day. Avast, matey! You scurvy dogs will be swabbin’ the poop deck if you don’t talk like a pirate today! Ahoy, me hearty! Arrr! (See the “Slang!” chapter) for tips on how to talk this day!)
September 24: Buy Nothing Day
September 28: Ask A Stupid Question Day
October
October is National Toilet Tank Repair Month, National Cookie Month, National Popcorn Poppin’ Month, National Pretzel Month, National Apple Jack Month, and most importantly, the Month of the Hedgehog. October contains National Pickled Pepper Week and Hug a Vending Machine Week.
October 4: National Taco Day
October 9: Moldy Cheese Day
October 12: International Moment of Frustration Scream Day.* Go outside and scream for 30 seconds!
October13: Skeptics’ Day
October 14: Be Bald and Be Free Day*
October 15: National Grouch Day
October 21: Make a Difference Day
October 25: Cartoonists Against Crime Day and Punk-for-a-Day Day
October 29: Laugh Suddenly For No Reason A Lot Today Day
October 29: The Feast of the Dead. Once every 12 years, the Iroquois Native Americans held their Feast of the Dead. A huge common grave was dug. All tribe members who had died during the past years were reburied together and honored with prayers. Almost
all the wealth of the dead was given away or buried in the earth to give comfort to the dead. The values of the Iroquois hold that any wealth or possessions not needed for survival should be sacrificed to the gods or given to the dead, not kept by the living. The worst sin to these people was for a tribe member to focus on possessions instead of trying to be the best person they could be.
November
November is Peanut Butter Lover’s Month, Slaughter Month, and International Drum Month. It contains National Split Pea Soup Week and National Make Up Your Own Week Week!
November 2: National Deviled Egg Day
November 4: Chair Day and Mischief Night
November 6: “Do Tater Tots Ever Grow Up?” Day
November 8: Dunce Day
November 17: Take a Hike Day
November 19: Alligator Wrestling Day and Have a Bad Day Day*
November 22: Start Your Own Country Day
November 28: National French Toast Day
December
December is Read a New Book Month and contains National Hand-Washing Awareness Week!
December 4: National Cookie Day
December 6: National Gazpacho Day
December 12: National Ding-a-Ling Day
December 13: Cliché Day*
December 16: National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day
December 21: National Flashlight Day
December 23: Night of the Radishes
December 26: National Whiner’s Day
December 31: National Make-Up-Your-Mind Day and You’re All Done Day
Follow-Up Activity
Discover a lost tribe of primitive people. Impress these primitive people with a laser pointer and maybe some card tricks. After they make you their king, have them celebrate your birthday with a great festival where you get many presents. (Don’t let the fact that the presents are mostly rocks and leaves ruin it for you.)
*These holidays were discovered by Thomas and Ruth Roy. More information at www.wellcat.com.
Insults!
Marge: Kids can be so cruel.
Bart: We can? Thanks, Mom!
—The Simpsons
Part of being a boy is enjoying a good insult. I say “enjoying” because boys know that when done properly, one of the best parts of friendship can be insulting or dissing your buddies. It’s an excellent day when you can hang out with your buds and get in some good zingers. Hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of your friends!
Just remember that you should only enjoy insults with friends and relatives who are in a good mood. Like practical jokes, they are not to be used on strangers or people you do not get along with.
People in different parts of the world define what insults are differently. For example, making an “O” shape with your finger and thumb (A-okay!) is fine in the United States, but it is like flipping someone off in Central America. However, there is one body language insult that is the same everywhere: mooning! If you show someone your butt in any part of the world, it is always an insult.
In some cultures, the spoken insult is an art form. Sometimes they are curses, like the classic Arab insult: “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.” A good Yiddish curse is this one: “May all your teeth fall out, except one—so that you can get a toothache!” Some cultures have insults that may seem a little strange to an outsider. In the African country of Ghana, a terrible insult is to tell someone that they stink like a river turtle. In New Guinea, never call someone a yam thief, or you will have trouble. My favorite insult is this one from the Swahili of east Africa: “I curse you, and my curse is that you be what you already are.” That’s cold!
Unfortunately, most American insults are weak. Insults that use the same words that everyone else uses are BORING. To insult someone in a boring way is to insult yourself. Using a “bad word” (or “profanity”) is especially idiotic. “Bad words” are the sign of a weak brain. It’s like advertising the fact that you’re a nitwit! “Hey, look at me! I memorized eight bad words!”
The best insult is the clever insult. For these, you need to use words in a creative and original way. Some of the best examples of creative insults come from William Shakespeare’s time (1564–1616). People back then had big vocabularies and they liked to combine words in unexpected ways. The insult was something that inspired great put-downs!
Let’s try some examples. You want to tell your friend that he is ugly. Saying “You are ugly” will not exactly impress him. Saying “You are very ugly” is not much better. What if you said, “You look like a monkey-faced tomato”? Good! How about this: “You know who would win in a beauty contest between you and a baboon? Nobody.” That’s pretty great!
Let’s Practice
To a friend you want to call “ugly”:
Beginner: “You’re ugly.”
Intermediate: “You’re so ugly, when you were born, they put tinted windows on your hospital room.”
Advanced: “Can I borrow your face for a few days while my butt is on vacation?”
To a chubby friend:
Beginner: “You are chubby.”
Intermediate: “You are a wonderful, all-around person. It just takes a while to walk all around you.”
Advanced: “You remind me of a map. A globe, to be exact.”
To a friend who just got a haircut:
Beginner: “Your haircut stinks!”
Intermediate: “Did a lawn mower attack you?”
Advanced: “Hey, nice haircut. Was it half-price day at the barber shop?”
To a friend who is short:
Beginner: “How’s the weather down there?”
Intermediate: “I’ve heard of half-pints, but you must be a quarter-pint.”
Advanced: “Do you know why you aren’t allowed on ships? Because you have to ride in a shrimp boat.”
Genius: “I don’t trust short people. Their brains are too near their butt.”
To a friend you want to call “stupid”:
Beginner: “You are stupid!”
Intermediate: “Want to see something stupid? Look in a mirror.”
Advanced: “Brains aren’t everything. In your case, they’re nothing.”
Genius: “I don’t think you’re stupid. But what is MY opinion worth against the thousands of people who disagree with me?”
To a friend who sings with a bad voice:
Beginner: “Your voice stinks.”
Intermediate: “You couldn’t carry a tune if it had a handle on it.”
Advanced: “Your voice could peel scales off a donkey’s butt.”
To a friend who just insulted you:
Beginner: “Oh yeah?”
Intermediate: “You must be tired of living. Prepare to die.”
Advanced: “Now I know this isn’t a perfect world, because you are in it.”
Here are some other words you may wish to slip into your creatively insulting speech. (All of these are “real” words!)
barkled: Covered with dirt. “Your zits are so bad, you’d be better off barkled.”
cacafuego (ka-ka-FWAY-go): A person who brags. This word means “poop-fire” in Spanish; the person thinks they’re so hot, even their poop is on fire!
chichiface (chee-chee-face): Someone with a bony face.
conky: A person with a big nose. “Holy shnozz-ola! Look at that conky!”
diamerdis (dye-uh-MURD-is): A person covered in poop.
dunderwhelp: A complete nitwit.
fubsy: An overweight person; a doughboy.
furfuraceous (fur-fur-AY-shus): Covered in dandruff.
gink: A nerd or a nobody.
gleet: The phlegm found in the stomach of a hawk. “You call this food? It’s covered in gleet!”
gongoozler: A nitwit who stares at things.
gubbertush: Someone with big teeth.
gundygut: A slob, especially when eating.
igly: Really, really ugly.
imbulbitate (im-BULB-uh-tate): To poop in one’s pants. “From little Ti
mmy’s expression, we knew he had imbulbitated.”
micrencephalus (my-kren-sef-uh-lis): A person with a really tiny brain.
plooky: To be covered in zits. “Not only are you barkled, you are very plooky too.”
scombroid: Looking like a fish.
slotterhodge: A sloppy eater.
slubberdegullion (slub-er-de-GULL-yun): A slob.
stinkard: Someone who stinks.
zowerswopped: Bad tempered.
Special Feature: Ready-made Insults
Combine two of the adjectives from columns ONE and TWO with a noun from column THREE to create an insult you can be proud of! Don’t worry—even if you don’t know what some of the words mean, they still sound great!
ONE TWO THREE
gap-toothed surly dipstick
crawling wretched monkey
diseased low-down numbskull
mangled rotten wussy
silly prune-faced cheese-eater
dumb chicken-hearted fish face
blubbering foot-licking chucklehead
infected blabber-mouthed fink
impudent foul moron
noisy repulsive maggot
creepy cowardly scoundrel
slack-jawed greedy lout
lumpy poisonous vermin
mangy filthy ape
puking freakish dolt
puny miserable clod
stinking bawling shrimp
low-down scurvy blockhead
spongy grubby parasite
cheating cheesy twerp
slow-witted fiendish nincompoop
grinning greasy toad
vain stuttering nitwit
pimply baboon-breathed villain
warped tiny-brained tootyface
Follow-Up Activity
Give someone a nice, sincere compliment.
