by Bart King
Grimacing: This is a classic. Squeeze ALL of your facial muscles at the same time to create a leering look of anger.
Squishing the face: Try to squeeze your face into the tiniest expression possible.
Intermediate Face-Making
When you are ready, start doing combinations of some of the faces above. Be creative! One of my favorites is puffing out my cheeks, and then opening my eyes and nostrils as far as possible!
Experiment with pushing your face up against a glass window; you probably won’t be able to see what it looks like, but the people on the other side will!
Try sneering with only one nostril at a time. Switch sides so that you can do both!
Use your fingers or other props to help you make a face. Everyone knows how to pull the sides of the mouth down to create an unhappy face. Try other stuff. For example, push up the end of your nose to look like a pig! Push your ears out from behind to look dorky! Tape your eyebrows up so that you look surprised!
Practice the ultimate expressions of looking totally shocked, frightened, angry, happy, sad, hungry, greedy, and so forth.
Advanced Face-Making
Moving one eyebrow: There’s only one way to do it and that’s by practicing. Try to move only one eyebrow at a time!
Moving one side only: Try smiling with one side of your face and looking sad or angry with the other side.
Wiggling the ears: The muscles to move your ears are there. You just have to try using them!
Flipping your eyelids inside out: This is somewhat controversial, because it is somewhat painful, and there are those who say it is bad for you. It is gross to look at and it is painful. Try it!
Showing the whites of your eyes: Some people can roll their eyes down so far that you can only see the white part! This is always creepy, and it is also a strain on your eyes. It’s a good trick to use if someone is trying to take your picture and you don’t want to have “red eye”!
Turning your face inside out: Painful but dramatic!
*You know how your mom said that “If you keep making that awful face, it’s going to freeze in that expression”? Scientists have found that this almost never happens.
*Professional face-makers have sometimes gone by the job descriptions of grimaciers, gurners, or grinners.
*Make a bet with someone that you can stick out your tongue and touch your nose. Whether the person takes the bet or not, stick out your tongue and then reach up with your finger and touch your nose. Ta-dah!
Making Sounds
Sounds are more important than you might think. Heck, without them, you wouldn’t be able to hear anything. (My, that is funny!) Here’s how to make some cool sounds.
Armpit Bombs
Being able to make a farting or bombing sound is very important to your career as a boy. The time may come when you are called to make this sound: if you cannot, you are ruined. This section of the book will show you how to make some basic sounds.
I will assume that you already know how to make the sound known as a “Bronx cheer” or a “raspberry.” This is when you stick out your tongue, put your lips firmly on the tongue, and blow. Pwpwpwpwpw! (It works even better if you put your thumb on your nose and waggle your fingers back and forth while you do this.)
There are other, more impressive ways to make this sound.
Beginner: Makes an Okay “Pwpwpwpwpw!” Sound
This works with dry hands, and sometimes even a little better if you get your hands a little wet or oily. (Water or lotion work fine.) Cup your hands together by pretending you were going to clap or applaud for someone. Not the sissy way, but almost as if you were going to shake your own hand.
Wrap your fingers around the back of the opposite hand and squeeze the base of your palms (near the thumbs) together quickly. Then release and do it again. Practice with different positions to get different tones. Pwpwpwpwpw!
Intermediate: Makes a Decent “Pwpwpwpwpw!” Sound
Again, you may want to have a slightly moist hand for this. You will also need access to your armpit. Take your hand and cup it, then stick it under the armpit on the other side of your body.
Take the arm that is over the cupped palm and bend it at the elbow. Now bring that arm down so that it “squishes” the cupped hand under the armpit. Pump the arm up and down, as if you were doing a one-armed chicken imitation. Change the position of the cupped hand to get different sounds. Pwpwpwpwpw!
Advanced: Makes Such a Great “Pwpwpwpwpw!” Sound, You Can Play Songs
For the advanced training, you will need a drinking straw. It will work best if it is one of those drinking straws that have a bendy part in it. Turn your head toward the armpit you are going to use. Put the end of the straw about halfway into the middle of your armpit, and the other half into your mouth.
Push your arm down, lightly “squishing” the straw’s end. Now blow into the straw! You will quickly notice that changes in location and pressure alter the tone of your “Pwpwpwpwpw!” sound. Where the straw is, how tight your armpit is, and how hard you blow will all change the sound you get. If you practice, you will find that you can play songs!
Danger: Make sure you only blow through the straw. Do not breathe in through the straw! You would be breathing in your own armpit air, which can be deadly. Do not switch the ends of the straw around, as that would be gross. And never trade straws with anyone else!
Super Advanced: For Experts Only—The Armpit Bagpipes
Use the straw method described above, but instead of using 1 straw, use 2 or 3! Even tougher (but great sounding!) is putting 2 or more straws in BOTH armpits at the same time and then blowing them! “Pwpwpwpwpw!”
Part II: Mouth Pops
Being able to make the sound of a cork coming out of a bottle is a must. (Don’t ask me why, it just is.)
Beginner: Makes a Nice, Echoing Plop Sound
1. Breathe through your nose.
2. Pull your tongue as far to the back of your mouth as you can.
3. Push your lips forward and make an “O” shape with them.
4. Flick your finger into the side of your cheek. If you flick your cheek repeatedly, it will sound like a glass filling up with liquid. You will notice that you can change the sound of your “Plop!” by opening or closing your mouth or making strange faces. Do so as much as possible.
Intermediate: Makes a Good “Cork-Out-of-the-Bottle” Sound
1. Wash your hands.
2. Stick your index finger (that’s your first one!) into your mouth. Your palm should face away from you, and the finger should poke the inside of your cheek, but be outside of your teeth.
3. Close your lips around your finger. Keep your finger stiff. Fill up your cheeks with as much air as you can!
4. Now POP that finger right out of your mouth by bringing your knuckle in toward your mouth and sliding your finger out. POP!
Advanced: Makes a Great “Cork-Out-of-the-Bottle” Sound!
1. Buy a bottle with a cork in it.
2. Pull the cork out.
Part III: How to Whistle Loudly
I am assuming that you are able to do the usual “pursed lips” whistle. But can you do the “piercing, get-everybody’s attention” whistle that you have to put your fingers in your mouth for? If not, read on. (And remember, you will have to practice and experiment to get this right.)
1. Wash your hands. Your fingers will soon be in your mouth.
2. To do this whistle, your lips will be tight and tucked in, and they have to cover your teeth.
3. Keep your tongue flat as you bring it right to the edge of your bottom lip.
4. Get ready to shove some fingers in your mouth. You have two choices, and I will explain both. Just don’t use your toes for this. It could result in instant death!
Method A
Try using your thumb and the index finger (first finger) on one hand. (You could also use one finger from each hand.) Put these fingers into the edges of your mouth and push out so that your lips stretch. Remember your t
ongue? Bring the tip so that it just about touches the bottom of your mouth just behind your teeth. You want air coming out of your mouth to get aimed at that spot of your mouth.
Blow gently. As you do this, try to adjust your fingers and mouth to find the perfect position. Eventually, you will find the spot. At first, you will have nothing, then a low whistle, and then something that could wake up a sleeping buffalo!
Method B
Put your two pinkie fingers into the edges of your mouth. Let the fingertips touch inside your mouth so that they form a wide V shape. Shove the tip of your V under the tip of your tongue and roll the tongue tip up and over. Your upper lip should now be touching the first knuckle of your pinkies.
Don’t let the tongue tip touch the roof of your mouth. If you looked in the mirror, you would see a triangle between your pinkies and your lower lip. You want to blow air over your tongue and into that space. It won’t work right away, so experiment and try different angles and lip or tongue positions. You can do it! It’s easier than juggling or playing poker, so if you can do those things, you can do this!
Part IV: Baby Sounds
The time will come when you will be losing an argument. (Just make sure this doesn’t happen when you are arguing with your brother!) The other person will be right, and you will be wrong. Whatever you do, don’t admit defeat in this situation. Instead, when all seems lost, make Baby Sounds! It will confuse your enemy, and people will think you are funny or insane or both!
1. Stick out your lower lip.
2. With a finger, flip down on your lower lip repeatedly and make an “Uhhh” sound in your throat.
3. Combined with the lip flip, your “Uhhh” sound will become an “Uhwubbawubbawubba” sound. Change your “Uhhh” throat sound up or down, louder and softer, for cool variations. Watch your enemy run away in fear!
Follow-Up Activity
When walking in the halls of your school, make different “random” faces at your friends as you see them. If they smile and wave, puff out your cheeks and sneer. If they nod, grimace as if you’re in pain and bug your eyes out. Enjoy their reactions.
Man Food for Manhood!
“Guy” foods are where it’s at. If it has salt, grease, and/or sugar, it’s got to be good, right? Or, if you can take some food, shove it on a stick, and stick it into a fire, that’s good eating. Some people say, “You are what you eat.” Does that make you a jerk if you eat beef jerky? What about chicken? Are you calling me a chicken? Maybe it means that if you eat healthy foods, you’ll be healthy.
Real men (like the Iron Chef) know there are a lot of good reasons for knowing your way around a kitchen. The kitchen is a big science lab where you can conduct creative experiments. You get to dig your hands into the ingredients and make a mess! Of course, you have to clean it up too, but never mind that now! Who knows what will happen when you combine Spam with Tabasco sauce until you try it? It could be delicious!
Food that you make yourself magically becomes extra tasty. Anyone who has ever caught a trout, fried it up in a skillet, and eaten it knows what I’m talking about. Because you put the effort into it, the meal tastes that much better. Once you start cooking, you begin appreciating different types of foods than you did before. A traditional Japanese belief is that your life is extended more than two months for every new type of food you try. So live long! Eat different foods!
Other people will appreciate your efforts too. I’ll let you in on a very important secret: Girls are impressed by boys who can cook. That may not mean much to you now, but trust me, in a few years, if you can cook a romantic meal, it’ll be pure gold.
Almost everyone has one recipe or thing that they can make well. Ask some of the people you know what their favorite recipe is; you might learn something and get something good to eat at the same time! Anyway, here are some fun and weird recipes that you might want to try making someday. I’ll assume that you will be in a kitchen where you have access to an oven, measuring cups and spoons, and so forth. Follow the rules below (someday you’ll thank me for all these rules) and have at it. The easiest recipes come first, and then they get a little more complicated.
Before Working in the Kitchen
Check with your parents. Wash your hands with soap. Read the whole recipe first. Get out all of your supplies and ingredients. Then start.
Know where the fire extinguisher is.
Turn off the oven and burners as soon as you’re done with them!
Poison cheese! Poison can show up in unexpected places. Did you know that the plant called “Poison hemlock” has poison in it? Who’d have guessed? But seriously, many natural things (tomato leaves, mistletoe, and even bananas and potatoes) contain very small doses of poisonous substances. For example, there is a chemical called “tyramine” that is found in different cheeses. Tyramine can raise a person’s pulse rate and cause nightmares if eaten before bedtime.
Simple Basics
Cinnamon Toast
Are you kidding me? This is the best! When I was growing up, I probably had this once a day.
You Need:
a toaster
bread
butter
cinnamon sugar (use a 5:1 ratio of sugar to cinnamon to make this)
1. Toast the bread.
2. Butter it right when it comes out of the toaster so the butter melts.
3. Sprinkle cinnamon sugar on the top.
4. Now here’s the hard part: Try not to eat it in one bite!
For advanced cooks only: Try this complex recipe! Instead of regular bread, use raisin bread. Or, use applesauce instead of butter.
You Are Eating Mars and Murries!
M&M’s are named after the founders of the candy company that made them, Forrest Mars and Bruce Murrie. Forrest also invented the Milky Way bar and the Snickers bar. The M&M’s candy was invented in 1941, but the letter “m” was not put on the candy itself until 1950.
Hard-Boiled Eggs
Great for sandwiches or just right out of the shell!
You Need:
eggs
a pot with a lid
water
1. Put the eggs in the pot first. Then put enough water in the pot to cover the eggs with 1 inch of water. Put the lid on the pot, and get that water boiling! Once it is boiling, turn the heat off. Now start timing it. If you’d like a soft egg, leave the lid on for 3 minutes, then go to the next paragraph. If you like it soft with no goo at all, go for 5 minutes. If you want it hard-boiled, leave the lid on for 15 minutes.
2. Then I like to put the whole pan into the sink and run cold tap water onto the eggs for a few minutes. When the eggs are cold, start peeling the shell at the fat end of the egg. When you’re done, put a little mayonnaise, salt, and pepper on them and power ‘em down! Don’t eat it too fast though; because they’re so tasty, hard-boiled eggs are one of the most choked-upon foods there is.
By the way, if you’re ever in doubt as to whether an egg is hard-boiled, just spin it. If it doesn’t spin fast and evenly, it’s not hard-boiled!
Raisin Hell
Any punk can buy them...but do you have what it takes to make them?
You Need:
seedless grapes
a windowsill with sunshine
Follow these directions closely or disaster will result!
1. Take the grapes. Wash them. Pull out those annoying little stems.
2. Now put the grapes on a windowsill that gets sunlight. Leave them there for a couple of weeks. They will magically turn into raisins! For full Hakuna Matata credit, try soaking them in water for 3 hours. They turn back into grapes!
(I was just kidding about the “disaster” that could happen.)
Grilled Cheese, Please
You could put melted cheese in a bowl of motor oil and I would eat it. This old standby tastes even better than that!
You Need:
bread
cheddar cheese
sliced tomato (optional)
butter
griddle or pan
spatula
napkins
1. Okay, this is an oldie but a goody. Lay out your bread and slice your cheese.
2. If you have any tomato slices, put them on the bread with the cheese slices.
3. Then close the sandwiches and spread butter on the outside of both pieces of bread. This will help the sandwich not stick to the pan, plus it’s tasty.
4. Have the flame under the pan on medium and, using a spatula, put the sandwich on it. Put a lid over the pan to melt the cheese quicker. As soon as the cheese starts to melt, flip it over. I flip my grilled cheese sandwiches many times, but I also like my bread to be a little blackened.
5. Once it’s cooked to perfection, use the spatula to put it on a plate and let it cool. It will be one greasy, tasty sandwich so use your napkins!
Yes, We Have No Bananas!
Hostess Twinkies have been around since 1926 and were originally filled with banana filling. There was a shortage of bananas during World War II (1939–1945), so Twinkies were switched to vanilla filling; they have never been changed back.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sushi
Don’t worry, there’s no raw fish in this, but it is a great variation of an old favorite!
You Need:
