by Bart King
Straw Man
This is a good trick for when you’re in a fast food restaurant.
You Need:
a person who orders a different soda than you
Go to a restaurant with at least one victim. Let him order first and pay attention to what he gets. Assuming that he orders soda, order a different colored soda for your meal. (For example, if he gets a cola, you get lemonade, or if he gets a clear soda, you get root beer.) Try to be in charge of getting and carrying the drinks, and make a stop away from the table to get straws while he gets seated.
Put the straws all the way into the drinks and hold your finger over the end of each one. Keeping your finger over the end, pull the straws back out of the cups. Now switch each straw into the other cup, keeping your finger over the end until you feel it touch bottom.
Now bring the cups to your friend. Pretend to drink a little out of your cup (but don’t!) and look concerned. “That’s the wrong soda!” you say angrily. Put your finger over the end of the straw again and lift it out. ““Look! I didn’t want fruit punch (or whatever)!” you say, letting the soda flow out of the straw onto a napkin by releasing your finger from the end. If your friend still hasn’t taken a sip of his, check his the same way. “It’s the wrong soda again!” you insist. At some point, the two of you will actually drink though, which is when it gets really confusing...because they are the right drinks after all!
Let’s Get Ready to Get Sticky
A good joke to play outside. Definitely outside!
You Need:
1 or 2 cans of soda
If you shake a can of soda, it will explode all over, right? Wrong! It will only explode all over if you open it immediately. If the soda is cold and you wait 25 to 30 seconds after you finish shaking to open it, the can will almost certainly not explode. Really.
Here’s the joke. Take 2 cans of soda. Have your friend shake 1 of the cans. Have him really shake it hard! There should be no doubt that this can will blow! When he has shaken it enough, have him give you the can. Be careful to show him that you are not trying to switch this can with the non-shaken can.
Now you need to kill about 30 seconds, so pretend that you are magically getting the shaken can to calm down. Wave your hands around and say some magic words. (“ Chudley! ”) If you pick up the can, be careful not to shake it anymore. After enough time has passed, just open the can. Your friend will probably be suspicious, so he will be a few steps back. It doesn’t matter. The can will not blow up. (If you don’t trust me, try it yourself.)
Good trick so far, right? Well now your friend will be amazed and he will creep back in closer to you. Now take the other, unshaken can. Squeeze it a bit and then open it a little and as you’re opening it, squeeze more! This can will explode all over your friend! (That’s what soda cans do when you squeeze them as you’re opening them.)
You were outside when you did this, right?
Voodoo Peanut Butter
A good joke to play on a friend visiting your house!
You Need:
chunky peanut butter
a diaper
This is a simple trick with a big payoff! Take a knife and smear a big dollop of the peanut butter into the “payload” area of the diaper. It looks pretty realistic, doesn’t it?
Now put the diaper somewhere where you will “discover” it later with your friend. (For this example, it will be in the refrigerator.)
When your friend comes over, do not lead him directly to the peanut butter. This will seem too suspicious. Instead, goof off for a while and then ask your friend if he would like a snack. Even if he doesn’t, go into the kitchen and open the refrigerator. There is the polluted diaper.
Now you will need a story about why the diaper is in the refrigerator. If there is a baby in your house, tell your friend that your mom is saving a “stool” (poop) sample for a doctor’s test. If there is no baby in your house, tell him that you were babysitting a neighbor kid and he went dookie in his diapers. You didn’t want to stink up the garbage, so you put it in the fridge. Before your friend can think about how stupid this is, have the following dialogue:
You (dramatically): Look at the load this kid left! It still stinks, too!
Your friend: Yech, gross!
You: Hand me that spoon will you? I want to try an experiment. You get a spoon, gingerly dig into the peanut butter and scoop some out. You then stick the spoon into your mouth!)
Your friend: AAAAAAGHHH!!
You: It’z not dat bad!
Your friend’s expression should have you laughing for weeks!
Eating Dirt Variation
When you were little, you ate dirt if someone didn’t watch you. Now you can pretend to eat it WHILE someone watches you!
You Need:
Oreos
a clean flowerpot
newspaper
Gummi worms (optional)
This is similar to the diaper trick above, but not quite as gross. Again, you need a friend to come over to your house. You should walk into the house with him. But before you left the house, you set up the following scene:
You took some Oreos, ate the creme out of the middle and saved the chocolate wafers. When you had at least 6 cookies demolished, you put some newspaper down on the kitchen table. You put the clean flowerpot on the newspaper.
Then you got the Oreo wafers and crushed them into the flowerpot. This is going to be your fake “potting soil.” Bury a Gummi worm or two in the black cookie crumbs if you want to be creative.
So now you walk into the kitchen with your friend. “Looks like my mom was doing some gardening in here,” you say. You look at the flowerpot, sniff the air, lift some of the dirt out of it, and stick it in your mouth.
“ Dirt tastes good, ” you mumble. You get another handful and grab one of the worms for effect. Wiggling the worm and the dirt, you stick the whole thing in your mouth. With your tongue, coat your teeth with the black Oreo crumbs. Now smile at your friend; be sure to show your teeth!
The Exploding Eye
A really incredible gross-out; practice to make sure you do it right!
You Need:
1 of those small tubs of dairy creamers from a restaurant
For this trick, your eye will explode, which will be fairly revolting. You can do this trick anywhere, but it really should be at a meal, and you’ll need to have a napkin handy.
Take the creamer container and tug a bit at its lid. You don’t want to open it, but you do want the lid ready to give way as soon as you give it a squeeze.
Once you’re seated at the table, hold your hand like a tube by making an “O” shape with your thumb and index finger. Put the creamer container in this “O” with the lid facing away from you. Keep the rest of your fingers curled and closed.
When you think you can get everyone’s attention, start scratching with your other hand at the eye that you will “pop.” Come up with your own reason why you are scratching; there is a rash, or your eye feels infected, whatever. When you’re ready, bring up your “hand-tube” with the creamer container in it.
Rub your eye socket lightly with this hand, holding the tube down so nobody can see the creamer. You may want to moan in pain, or say, “ My eye! My eye! ” When you’re ready, squeeze the container hard with your hand. White “juice” will run out! Your eye has exploded! Pull your hand away from the eye, and keep the eyelid closed so that nobody can see the eyeball is still there!
Then just enjoy the horrified screaming.
Follow-Up Activity
Play every joke in this chapter on just one person. Then ask the victim with an expression of great sorrow and sincerity, “ I get the feeling that you don’t really trust me. ” Take notes on their reaction.
Rhetorical Questions!
A “rhetorical question” is a question that doesn’t necessarily need an answer. If you ask your friend, “How’s it going?” and he just smiles and nods, you probably don’t chase him down and say, “I asked you a question, mister!”
Wise people have selected the following rhetorical questions as the greatest of all time. Enjoy them, and remember: they don’t need answers.
If a cat jumps into a garbage can, does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Does water sink or float?
Do fish ever get thirsty?
How could the Wizard be “of Oz” and live in Oz?
If you melt dry ice, can you swim in it without getting wet?
How do they fit all that hot air into blow-dryers? Why don’t they ever run out?
If M&M’s melt in your mouth and not in your hand, what about your underarm?
How come Mickey Mouse is taller than his dog Pluto?
Why do all the fingers have names (thumb, index, middle, ring, little), but the toes don’t? (“Little piggy” doesn’t count!)
If you jogged backward, would you gain weight?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
Why do people sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at baseball games when they’re already at a ballgame?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, every day of the year, why is there a lock on the door?
If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out her nose?
If you were in a car going the speed of light, and then turned on the headlights, what would happen?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do they report power outages on the TV?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Can chubby people go skinny-dipping?
Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
Why are there no eggs in eggplant? Why is there no ham in hamburger? Why aren’t there apples or pine in pineapple?
Why does quicksand work slowly?
Why are boxing rings square?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why does your alarm clock go off by going on?
Why is it that when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
How do you know if you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
What does cheese say if someone takes its picture?
Do you think that trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mime swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Riddles!
Riddle me this, Batboy: What is more fun than figuring out cool riddles? The answer: Nothing. Some of these riddles are moldy oldies that every boy should know, but all of them are excellent. So put on your thinking cap, Sherlock Home-Boy, and enjoy!
*In ancient Rome, the Saturnalia celebration was a huge party that went on for days. (The Twelve Days of Christmas would later take its place.) Riddle contests took place at that time; if you lost, you had to drink salt water combined with wine. This made you throw up. Whoo-hoo!
1. John wrote the name of a certain U.S. state on a sheet of paper in all capital letters. He then turned his page upside down and looked at it in a mirror. It read exactly as he had written it. What is the name of the state that he wrote? (Hint: The state doesn’t start with a consonant.)
2. The 22nd and 24th presidents of the U.S. had the same mother and father but weren’t brothers. How?
3. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told you to take 1 every half hour, how long before you would be out of pills?
4. You find yourself in a bit of a pickle. You are trapped in a house that has a roomful of hungry crocodiles, a room filled with angry gorillas, and a room full of lions that haven’t eaten in a year. Which room is safest for you to enter?
5. I have holes in my top and bottom, my left and right, and in the middle. Even with all of those holes, I still hold water. What am I?
6. Try to name 3 days that come right after one another without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.
7. If a butcher is 6 feet tall, wears size 9 shoes, and has black hair, what does he weigh?
8. Look at the dollar bill. How many heads are there on both sides?
9. I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest man can’t hold me for much more than a minute. What am I?
10. A young man and his elderly father are seriously injured in a rock climbing accident. By the time the two get to the hospital, the father is dead. An old surgeon is at the emergency room, and when the doctor sees the injured young man, the old doctor cries out, “That’s my son!” The nurse replies, “But doctor, the boy was with his father at the time of the accident.” How is this possible?
11. I can turn out the lights and get into bed before the room is dark. The light switch and bed are 12 feet apart. How is this possible?
12. There are 10 white socks and 10 black socks in a drawer. How many socks must you take out (one at a time) before you are sure of having a matching pair?
13. A canoe carries only 200 pounds. How can a mother, weighing 200 pounds, and her two sons, each weighing 100 pounds, use the canoe to cross a lake?
14. In a certain season, this is a common occurrence. A man leaves home, turns left 3 times, and comes back home to see 2 masked men. Who are they? (HINT: It’s not Halloween!)
15. There is a strange island in the South Pacific called Haircut Island. The law on this island states that you cannot cut your own hair and you must get your hair cut once a week. There are no mirrors and only 2 barbers on Haircut Island. These 2 barbers are identical twins. One barber can’t cut hair very well, but his brother rules. The locals refuse to tell you which of the barbers is the good haircutter. You need a haircut really badly! How do you know which barber to pick for a good haircut?
16. This is a 2-part question: How many players take the field for a baseball team? How many outs in each inning?
17. Two boys have the same biological mother and father. They were born on the same day, in the same year, they look exactly alike, yet they are not twins. They are not Siamese twins and not clones, but they ARE brothers! How is this possible?
18. A sports car traveled at high speed for nearly 5 miles with a flat tire, but the driver was unaware of this. How is this possible?
19. Here is a pattern of numbers: 8 5 4 9 1 7 6 3 2 What’s the next number? Why?
20. A man builds a house with 4 sides. Strangely, each side faces north. A bird goes by the house. What kind of bird is it?
21. While on safari in central Africa, Professor vanderSommen woke up and got dressed. He felt something move in the back pocket of his shorts. He reached back to see what it was. It had a head and a tail but no legs. The professor seemed unworried, and went about his chores, even after feeling the thing move is his pocket! Why?
22. I only exist where there is light. But if light is on me, I take flight. What am I?
23. A lonely woman decided to get a pet to keep her company. She visited the local pet shop and looked around. “What about a parrot?” the pet shop owner
asked. The woman thought this was a good idea, but as she noticed a large green parrot, she asked, “Does this parrot talk?”
“This parrot will repeat every word it hears. I guarantee it,” replied the shopkeeper. So the woman bought the parrot.
Three weeks later, the woman still couldn’t get the parrot to say a word. She took it back to the store to get a refund, but the shopkeeper wouldn’t accept it back. He said his guarantee still held, though. The shopkeeper spoke the truth; how is this possible?
24. I wave and wave at you,
Though I never say goodbye.
It’s cool for you to be with me,
Especially when I say, “HI.”
What am I?
25. A donkey is tied to a 20-foot rope. A pile of alfalfa is 30 feet away. Somehow, the donkey is able to eat the alfalfa, even though the rope does not break or stretch in any way. How is this possible?
26. A woman announced that she could walk on water for 10 minutes. She said she would do it on a nearby river. A large group of people went out to watch her. They all saw her actually do it! (The river was not dry.) How was this possible?
27. An old, starving wolf came upon a flock of sheep fenced in behind a tall metal fence. This fence was too high to jump over and he couldn’t dig under it. The bars of the fence were close together, but because the wolf was so thin, he could just squeeze through the bars. The problem was that if he ate any of the sheep on the other side of the fence, he wouldn’t be able to squeeze back through the fence. The sheep farmer might then come and shoot him!
Puzzled, the wolf sat there. A little sheep said, “Mr. Wolf, I know how to solve your problem!” The other sheep quickly told the lamb to keep his mouth shut! What would the lamb have said?
28. How high would you have to count before you would use the letter “A” in the spelling of a number?
29. A young boy who played on his school’s soccer team made the following comment: “Four days ago, my school’s soccer team won a game 4 to 1, but none of the boys on the team scored any goals. Also, the other team didn’t score against itself accidentally.” How is this possible?
