by Brei Betzold
I felt arms circle me from behind. I jerked at seeing Thayne there then rolled over gripping him hard and hiding my head in his chest while I cried.
Finally when the sobs had lessened he pulled me away and caressed my cheek. “You’re brother called me.”
My surprise must have shown on my face because he let out a humorless laugh. “He wanted to know what I had done to you, but I heard your screams so I came over, Cam let me in. She is scary. By the way, remind me never to piss her off.”
I nodded, watching him, waiting him to tell me he couldn’t do this. “So this is why you don’t sleep, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said my throat hurting and my voice hoarse.
“It scared the hell out of me when I heard you screaming on the phone,” he murmured.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Nothing to be sorry about, Scout, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
I curled back into his chest. “After I was found, I almost died. I wished they had let me, at times. Now I still wish they had,” I confessed.
He held me tighter against his body and I felt peace. For the first time in so long, I felt peace.
The door slammed open and I jumped. “What the fuck are you doing in here?” Cas yelled.
I flinched and buried myself into him further. He ran a hand through my hair. “Lying with Scout, talking to her,” he said calmly.
“She’s awake?” he yelled, “and you didn’t come tell anyone?”
“Yeah, she’s awake,” he replied then pulled back from me and kissed my forehead. “Talk, soon?”
I nodded and he kissed my forehead once more. “Okay, I’m going to go.”
“Okay,” I whispered and watched him untangle himself from me then climb off the bed. And I felt the loss of his body against mine like a blow.
After he left, Cas sat down beside me and reached out but when I flinched, he retracted his hand like it had been burned.
“Scout, I’m sorry for what I said earlier, and I am so sorry that I pushed you, that will never happen again.”
I nodded pulling the blanket up to my chin watching him; he looked like a caged tiger.
“I don’t think you should compete today,” he said.
“I’m not quitting,” I told him.
“That’s not what I was saying,” he paused then licked his lips. “Though I would like you to think about bowing out.”
“No,” I croaked, “if I bow out as you put it, the guys are down to three team members and are disqualified. We are going to win. We are going to have the money we need. I refuse to give up now.”
“We can talk about this later, but it’s six a.m., Scout, you were given Haldol. You can’t go in today.”
I shrugged. “Have to.”
“Scout, you’re slurring your words, your movements are off, how are you going to work?”
“I’m not,” I told him. “I am going to lay down in my corner out of the way, just like I planned to do, I’m not involved in this one.”
Simon walked in and smiled at me. “She’s right, this is all Liam, Kale, and me. She would play gopher if anything.”
Cas ran his fingers through his hair. “Fine, just watch her,” he told Simon then got up and stomped out of the room.
“Thanks,” I told Simon.
“Cam’s coming in to help you get dressed, we’re taking the car,” he told me then left the room.
I sighed and when Cam came in dressed me, adding a flannel shirt to cover the scratches on my arms, unfortunately I couldn’t hide the ones on my neck as easily. Time to cut my fingernails down, I thought as I got ready to go.
We got there just in time. They corralled us through make up then out to the floor and into formation. Eddie came up and gave today’s directions but I didn’t hear any of it, I was too focused on keeping myself upright. After what felt like an eternity, we were released and the guys brought me into the teams stall, grabbed my pillow and blanket then laid me down. I snuggled down on the concrete floor with the blanket wrapped around me. I half watched them scramble around doing what they needed to, I could feel sleep tugging at me, but I fought it off, watching them.
Thayne walked into our stall and motioned over at me, all three of them looked at each other then back at Thayne.
“We have to get this bent, and we can’t leave her alone,” Liam explained. “Can you stay with her?”
Thayne nodded. “Yeah, my team doesn’t want me around.”
Simon cocked his head, “Why?”
“Uhm,” he said rubbing the back of his neck then looked over at me. “I don’t know anything about engines, or metal work anything like that,” he mumbled blushing.
Kale shrugged. “That’s why we have teams, not everyone can do everything.” Then went back to work.
I watched Thayne walk over towards me then sat down leaning against the wall.
“How you feeling?” he whispered.
I shrugged but not sure if he could see it since I was wrapped up like a burrito.
“She won’t talk much, the meds are still in her system,” Simon told him. “Keep her down, give her water when she’ll take it, and make sure she stays wrapped up.”
Thayne nodded, “Will do, anything else?”
Simon handed him my phone. “It has all our numbers if you need anything, at all, call—we will come running.”
“Okay.”
Simon looked down at me and smiled sadly, “Sleep,” he ordered then followed Liam and Kale out.
I rolled my eyes up to look at Thayne, he looked over at me and smiled then scooted closer and patted his thigh. I lifted my head as he slid under, I laid my head down on his upper thigh. He ran his fingers through my hair and I hummed in pleasure.
“One of these days, Scout, you’re going to trust me enough to tell me what happened.” He continued to run his fingers through my hair looking down at me. “So why aren’t you up there helping them with this stuff?”
“Not allowed,” I whispered, my voice was still hoarse, “meds mess with me, it’s not safe.”
He nodded. “What meds?” I shook my head no and he nodded his head yes. “Come on, Scout,” he cajoled.
“BuSpar, Ativan, and on occasions Haldol.”
“For?”
“Anxiety disorder,” I told him. “Now your turn.”
“My turn for what?”
“I’ve told you about me, now your turn.”
“Not much to tell,” he said and I glared at him. He ran his other hand through his hair and sighed, “Fine, let’s see, perfect family or so we thought till Dad ran off with his secretary divorcing Mom. He left us with very little, so Mom went to work, but she had been a stay at home mom for years so there wasn’t much, ya know?”
I nodded.
“So she worked two jobs leaving me and my sister at home alone all the time. I resented her, I hated my dad, I was a teenage boy and I was angry. I started doing stupid shit, drugs, and drinking. Found I had a knack with spray paint cans, picked up more than once for that.” He smiled. “Then one building I got busted by the owner’s son. I was seventeen at the time, and he convinced his dad that instead of calling the cops they should teach me instead. Apparently the building I chose that night built custom bikes, and my particular skill set was useful to them, they gave me an apprenticeship and taught me to paint bikes.” He looked down at me smiling wistfully, “they saved me, and I will never forget that”. “That’s why when I hear you talk about Tris it doesn’t make sense to me. I cannot see him hurting someone, and I mean, he really did save me, he’s been my best friend since.”
“You don’t believe me?” I asked.
“It’s not that, I mean, I can see you’re messed up, we’re all messed up. I just wonder if maybe it has something to do with your age, if you were older if whatever it is that he did, it might not have looked as bad.”
I heard someone clear their throat and I looked over to find Kale standing there flexing his hands. “You really don’t know your frien
d,” Kale said quietly and smiled at me sadly. “If you had any clue at all,” he sighed and bit his lip. “Just came to grab something.” He went over to the toolbox and pulled out Liam’s lucky goggles. “I still can’t believe he forgot these,” Kale murmured. “Thayne, let me give you a piece of advice, I heard you had a baby sister?” at Thayne’s nod he went on, “do yourself a favor, never leave her alone with him, never trust him,” With that, he left.
We were quiet after that I dozed off and on, Thayne seemed to be deep in thought. “She doesn’t like him, you know,” he finally said quietly. “My sister, she doesn’t like Tris, never has, first time she met him she said he was dark.”
“How old is she?”
“My sister?” he asked looking down at me, at my nod, “Sixteen.”
“Where is she? I asked, “At home with your mom?”
He shook his head. “No, Mom died last year, Dad couldn’t be bothered, he has a new family and all. She’s here with me. I rented a little apartment for us.”
I smiled sadly. “Yeah, I know how that goes, Cas has been taking care of me since I was fourteen, Dad didn’t want me anymore.”
“And your mom?”
I looked away. “She died when I was born. Ace didn’t know what to do with me, so he just didn’t do anything, then after it wasn’t safe, I went to live with Saul and Cas moved in, they took care of me.”
“He joined the military, your brother?”
“He joined before, he was overseas when it happened, and came home after. He stayed in after his original four years were up. He was offered a decent resigning bonus for his skill set, and couldn’t pass it up.”
“Makes sense, so when’s his time up?”
I smiled groggily. “Next month.”
“Happy about that?”
“Yeah, I worry about him when he’s deployed.”
“How many times?”
“He just got home from his third, and final.”
I yawned and snuggled into him. “Sleep,” he murmured and started rubbing my earlobe, I drifted off and on listening to him hum.
Chapter 24
They must have given me a pretty heady dose of Haldol last night since it was still affecting me as much as it was. I laid there in the in-between, in-between wake and sleep, in-between reality. Thayne was running his fingers through my hair still humming, then he stopped the humming and I heard a noise but I couldn’t get up the will to look.
“She trusts you,” I heard a low voice say. “She never lets anyone get that close, at least not unless it’s one of us.”
I felt Thayne shrug. “I won’t hurt her.”
“Sure you will, they always do, and when you do I will be left to pick up the pieces once again.”
“No Cas, I will not intentionally hurt her, I don’t think I could.”
“It won’t matter if you intend to do it, you will, and she can’t take it.”
“How do you know what she can and can’t handle?”
He scoffed, “Because I know her.”
“I don’t think you do. I think you still see her as that fourteen year old scared girl.”
“Scared? Is that what you think she was?” Cas asked. “You have no idea, try a fourteen year old catatonic girl who had to have a feeding tube and IVs to keep her alive. Or how about the sixteen year old girl who went to high school in a mental facility because she couldn’t be trusted not to hurt herself? How about the sixteen year old girl who had heat stroke because she refused to wear anything other than long sleeve shirts and jeans in the middle of summer because she was embarrassed? Or maybe the fifteen year old girl who took scissors to her hair, because he told her how much he loved it, and she couldn’t look at herself without seeing him? Which one of those girls do you think I see?”
“I don’t know,” Thayne replied quietly, “but whichever one it is, it’s not the twenty-one year old woman who is strong, beautiful, and trying so hard to find out who she is, and at every turn she’s blocked by the one person who she loves above everyone else.”
“You don’t know a fucking thing about her, or what she’s been through,” Cas yelled.
“No, I don’t know what she’s been through. I hope one day she will trust me enough to tell me, until then I’ll work to earn it. You though are ignoring that she’s not that girl any longer, you no longer see her for her, you see her as she once was and for some reason you are trying to keep her there.”
“Stay the fuck away from my sister,” he seethed.
“No, not until she tells me that. I’m not scared of you Cas, and every time you tell her to stay away from me you push her closer to me.”
“When she tells you what your friend did to her, and you run, when you can’t take it, can’t look at her, what do you think that will do to her?”
I made a low noise in the back of my throat, Cas had just hit my fear of Thayne, because if he left it would hurt, a lot. In the short time I’ve had with him I’ve become attached, and I didn’t want to become attached to him.
“Shhh,” Thayne whispered and started rubbing my back.
“You have no clue what it takes to take care of her,” Cas continued. “It’s a full time job, doctors’ appointments, meds, nightmares, the money, think you can handle all that?”
I whimpered, I wanted to yell at Cas to shut up, but I couldn’t get it out.
“Having fun, scaring her?” Thayne bit out. “Enjoying this?”
“Not trying to scare her, trying to make you realize you have no clue what you’re getting involved with, going to leave your job for her, move to San Diego, after what three weeks of knowing her?”
“Stop,” I whispered, “please stop.”
“Scout, have you given any of this any thought? Are you going to leave the shop, going to go back there, where he is, where Ace is?” Cas asked. “I’m not trying to hurt you, but you need to be realistic.”
“Why are you feeling so threatened?” Thayne asked quietly. “What are you scared about, that she won’t need you anymore?”
“Threatened by you?” Cas scoffed. “I don’t think so, I just don’t want to see her hurt again.”
“She’s always going to need you, but she needs to live her life,” Thayne said quietly.
Cas laughed humorlessly, “Yeah, her life, what life?”
I heard footsteps stomp out and I let the tears go. Thayne rubbed my back not saying anything, and I knew Cas had made him start to think about things too. There was no way I would ever go back to Arizona, I couldn’t, and Thayne had a sister to take care of, a job, and a life outside of this place. It would be easier for everyone involved if this stopped now, before someone was hurt.
I took a deep breath. “You need to go,” I told him, “and this time don’t come back.”
“Scout, if this is about what he said—” Thayne started but I interrupted.
“He was right, I am broken, and you have a sister to take care of, a job, a life, and you should live it and leave me to mine.”
I pulled away and stood up wobbly then walked away.
“Scout,” he yelled after me, “I’ll give you some time, but I am not leaving.”
I ignored him and walked out the front doors into the rain and stood there letting it cleanse me, praying it would take the scars away.
“Your mother loved the rain,” Uncle Matt said coming to stand beside me. “She would stand out in the rain and let it drench her, while the rest of us hid and watched. We never really understood it.”
“I understand it,” I said quietly.
“Yeah, I think you do,” he looked over at me. “You look just like her, well except the blue hair and metal in your face.”
I laughed at that. “I think about her sometimes, wonder what she would have thought of me. I wish I knew more about her.”
“She loved you, Scout, she would have been proud of you. She loved to read, which is how you and Cas got your names,” he told me fondly. “She was strong, she was so excited when she found out she wa
s pregnant with you. She wanted a baby girl, don’t get me wrong she loved her Caspian. Did you know she wanted to name him Caspian, but Ace wouldn’t let her. He didn’t want his son named after some book, so instead she named him after some author, then called him Caspian. She decided to do the same with all her kids, and Harper Lee was her favorite female author, it’s why I picked it.”
I looked over at him confused, “You picked it?”
“Yeah, Ace wasn’t at his best, so Sarah and I named you and took you home. Simon was six months old at the time, but Sarah wanted you there, she said it was what your mom would want; Sarah and Kim were best friends. We all agreed, so you and Cas came to live with us. Ace was mourning and in no place to take care of you two.”
“You mean he was drunk.”
“He had just lost his wife.”
“Doesn’t make it okay,” I replied.
“No it doesn’t, but it was what it was.”
“You didn’t start drinking when Sarah died?”
“No, I didn’t. I had three kids to take care of. Eventually Cas went back, then when you were around three, Saul came told Ace to get his life together and take care of his kids. You went to go live with him at that point and his sister moved in to help.”
“Yeah, I remember Aunt Sally.”
He nodded. “She helped with all three of you since the shop had really taken off at that point, it was hard on all of us to take care of the three of you, and keep up at the shop. She was a life saver.”
“Eventually she got married but still helped out, then Ace met and married Lace, you know the rest.”
I nodded. “Yeah, Lace loved the idea of me, but not the reality. I wasn’t a girly girl, I wasn’t interested in dresses and all that. I was into bikes getting dirty, and when she realized she couldn’t change that, she ignored my existence, same as Ace did.”
“That boy in there, Thayne, he’s a good boy, and he’s right Cas isn’t seeing you. He still sees what happened, and trust me I understand that. I still have nightmares of what I saw when I walked in that room and found you.” He whispered the end, “I will never forget that, I will never forgive myself for not making you stay with me, if your school hadn’t called, you wouldn’t be here now. I understand where Cas is coming from, but it’s time for him to let you grow up, to let you live your life, and I think Thayne would be good for you.”
