Jim fell silent, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes.
“What happened?” Emily asked softly.
He looked directly at her. All the sparkle and life was gone from his eyes, leaving them flat, devoid of expression.
“I found them,” he said. “I found them, and I killed them. I shot them dead, like they shot Bob.”
Silence. It surrounded them as completely as the night had closed in around them. But the darkness had been interrupted by the light coming on inside the house. In the same way, Emily broke the silence.
“I can’t believe that,” she said.
“Believe it,” he said. “It happened.”
Emily leaned forward. “Are you telling me that you went out after these guys, intending to kill them?”
“No!” he said, but his conviction soon faltered. “I don’t know.” He swept his hands across his face. “Maybe, subconsciously, I did. After it was all over, everyone assumed I went out for revenge, and it made me wonder. You know, maybe I did plan to kill them. It all happened so fast….”
“How did you find them?”
“I was working the desk at the precinct,” Jim said, “and a call came in. Everyone on the street knew we were looking for these guys, and one of our usual informers spotted them going into an apartment. While the lieutenant was organizing the raid, my partner and I went down to keep an eye on the place, make sure they didn’t leave. We were supposed to sit outside in my car and just watch. But I went into the building. I couldn’t just sit tight. I even went up the stairs—I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t have a warrant, I didn’t have any backup, I only had this…this…anger. My partner was behind me and he kept telling me we had to go back to the car, that we were going to get in trouble doing this, but I didn’t give a damn. And then it happened. The guys we were after came down the stairs. They recognized me, and they started shooting. When it was all over, two of them were dead, killed by bullets fired from my gun.”
He was quiet for a moment, staring down at his boots. “They brought me down to their level, Emily,” he said. “Killing them didn’t bring Bob back. It only made me…a monster. By killing those bastards, I was no better than they were. It made me sick. I felt subhuman, I felt—” He took a deep breath. “It took me a long time to crawl out of that hell. I still don’t know for sure if I went after those guys with the intent to kill, or if it just happened. But I do know now that I’m not a monster. I’m human. And, like all humans, I’m not perfect. I can forgive myself. Sometimes, on really good days, I can even forgive myself for Bob’s death. Sometimes.
“But when I first met you, I couldn’t forgive myself for anything. I knew I didn’t deserve someone like you. And I couldn’t believe I would bring you anything but unhappiness.” He looked up at her, meeting her eyes steadily for the first time in many long minutes. “So I staged that scene at the bar, to make you stop loving me. Everything I said, you know, about other women, about not sleeping alone, it was a lie. I loved you with all my heart, Em. There was never anyone but you.”
Emily’s eyes filled with tears. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispered. “Why didn’t you tell me about your brother, about everything you’d been through? How could you make a decision like that, about our future, without letting me have a say? Oh, Jim, I would’ve helped you. Don’t you know I would’ve done anything—”
He shook his head. “I thought you’d be better off without me. And I thought—” His voice broke.
“What?” She moved toward him, kneeling next to him on the dry wooden floor.
“How could I have the life I wanted with you, knowing that Bob’s life was over? He never got to watch his daughter grow up. He never got to hold his wife in his arms again. He was dead, Emily, so how could I let myself have you? How could I give myself that kind of happiness, when all he had was…nothing?”
Emily couldn’t answer. She couldn’t say a word.
“I still don’t deserve you,” he said in a low voice. “But, God help me, I want you.” He didn’t reach out toward her. He didn’t take her in his arms the way he wanted to. Instead, he let his eyes caress her face, memorizing every last freckle, studying the way her eyelashes looked, matted with her tears. She was so beautiful, it hurt. “I know I…I had my chance with you, and I blew it seven years ago. I don’t blame you for not believing me or trusting me, or even wanting me around. It’s my own fault. That, and…bad timing.”
She didn’t say a word. She just sat there, watching him, her eyes luminous with unshed tears. Jim felt his own eyes start to sting. He felt the thick sensation of deep emotion tightening his chest. Another few minutes of this, and he was going to break down and cry like a baby….
“Em, I can’t think straight anymore,” he told her desperately. “I can’t think at all, and it’s driving me nuts. The way things are between us right now, I can’t do my job. I can’t take care of you the way I should, so unless you tell me otherwise, unless you want me to stick around, I’m going to have myself taken off this case. I just wanted you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I did what I did seven years ago only because I loved you.”
There. He’d said it all. He’d gotten it all out in the open. He’d done everything he could, except maybe throwing himself on his knees and begging her to forgive him, to give him another chance.
But Emily still didn’t speak. She didn’t comment, didn’t reply, didn’t open her mouth.
Jim felt the tightness in his chest contract, making it hard for him to breathe. She didn’t forgive him. She didn’t want him to stay. In some ways, it made things easier. He knew he could live with the pain. He knew he could exist without her, doing the same kind of half living he’d been doing for the past seven years. And this way, he wouldn’t have to wrestle with the daily knowledge that he had a life, while Bob’s was gone.
Jim pulled himself to his feet, praying that the tears wouldn’t come until he was in his car, until he’d had a chance to pull away from the front of the beach house. He moved toward the steps, his boots sounding too loud on the wooden planks.
Emily reached out and caught his hand.
Jim stopped, looking down first at their hands, their fingers intertwined, then at Emily.
“Don’t go,” she whispered. Her face was streaked with tears, and her eyes were so soft, so full of forgiveness. “Please?”
She scrambled to her feet and put her arms around him, holding him tight, giving him the comfort he’d denied himself for so long.
But the steel belt around Jim’s chest didn’t loosen. Instead, it got tighter. And, holding the woman he’d loved for so long in his arms, he wept.
Because, God help him, he still didn’t deserve her.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
EMILY WOKE UP alone in the big double bed. She wrapped the top sheet around her, using it as a makeshift robe, and went down the stairs and into the living room.
There was no sign of Jim.
She finally found him, sitting out on the back porch, watching the rising sun set fire to the ocean. He looked up at her and smiled, his eyes warm and welcoming, and she felt her pulse rate increase. This all still seemed so strange, so bizarre, so much like a dream. She hoped that if it was one she wouldn’t wake up too soon.
“Couldn’t you sleep?” she asked.
He reached for her, pulling her down onto his lap. “No.”
“You should’ve woken me,” she said.
He kissed her, running his fingers through her thick chestnut hair, then gently massaging the back of her neck and her shoulders. “I kept you up all night. It didn’t seem fair to wake you so early this morning.”
Emily closed her eyes, wondering if he knew that the soft touch of his hands had the power to make her heart pound—even at five-thirty in the morning. “I was the one who kept you up all night,” she said, feeling the sheet slip farther off her shoulders. “That gives you the right to wake me up whenever you want.”
Jim laughed
. He had a rich, husky, sexy-sounding laugh that sent shivers up and down her spine. Or maybe it was the way he was kissing the base of her throat that felt so good.
“I have to tell you something,” Emily said softly, and Jim sat up. He wanted to hear her say that she loved him. She hadn’t said it—at least not in words—and, God, he needed to hear it.
She smiled at him uncertainly. “This is kind of weird,” she said. “I mean, my telling you this after…what we spent last night doing…” She held his gaze, but a delicate tinge of pink covered her cheeks. She was actually blushing.
Jim felt an overpowering rush of love for her, and he held her tighter, pulling her mouth down to his for a lingering kiss.
“You’re not making this any easier,” she said, nestling against his shoulder, brushing her lips lightly against his bare skin. She felt his arms tighten around her, felt the unmistakable evidence of his desire for her, and she knew it wouldn’t take much to table this discussion—at least temporarily. But she had to tell him about Alex. If she didn’t tell him, it would feel as if she were keeping secrets from him, and she didn’t want that. She closed her eyes—it was easier that way—and said, “The other night, Alex Delmore proposed.”
Jim froze. “Marriage?” He knew as soon as he asked that of course it was marriage that Delmore had proposed. But Emily didn’t comment on the stupidity of his question. He looked down into the deep blue of her eyes as she nodded.
“I told him I needed time to think it over,” she said.
What the hell was this that he was feeling? What was it? Jealousy? Outrage? Fear? Possessiveness? Hell, yes. All of it, yes. You’re mine, he wanted to say. You’re mine now.
He wanted her off the case, out of danger, away from Alexander Delmore. Fear that something would happen to Emily, some horrible, dangerous thing that he’d be powerless to prevent, lodged in his chest and made it hard for him to breathe.
“Em, let’s not go back,” he whispered.
“Not ever?” she said with a smile.
He shook his head and kissed her. No, not ever.
She didn’t take him seriously. “Alex isn’t expecting to see me until Saturday—until the party on his boat,” Emily said. “We can stay here until then. If you want…”
Jim nodded. He wanted. “I have to call in, make sure it’s all right,” he said. His voice sounded huskier than usual, and he cleared his throat. “I think it will be—I’m supposed to be protecting you.”
“Protecting me.” Emily’s smile nearly took his breath away. “Is that what you call this?”
He could see every one of last night’s kisses, every one of last night’s caresses, reflected on her face. The memory of making love to her was suddenly so strong, so vivid, that he ached, wanting to feel himself inside her again, surrounded by her, buried deep within her. God, would he never get enough of her?
From the slow burn of desire in her eyes, he knew she was remembering, too. Again the blush crept back on her cheeks. It was too charming, too sweet, too incredibly sexy.
“Are you real?” he murmured, his hands slipping down beneath the cotton sheet, stroking the satiny smoothness of her body. “Or have I died and gone to heaven?”
Emily answered him with a long, slow kiss.
She tasted so sweet, so warm, he could have gone on kissing her all morning long. But she pulled back to reposition herself on his lap, straddling him on the wooden lounge chair, so that they were face-to-face. The sheet fell away, and Jim caught his breath at the sight of her, naked in the silvery morning light.
She was beautiful. The creamy white of her full breasts contrasted with the rose-colored peaks of her nipples and the golden tan of the rest of her skin. Her stomach was flat, but wonderfully soft, flaring out into slender hips and strong thighs—thighs that gripped him in anticipation of pleasures to come.
Oh, yeah, she was beautiful. With her eyes half-closed, watching him watch her, with her hair mussed from sleep, with her lips slightly parted, the heat of her desire radiated from her. She wanted him. And it amazed him that she would sit here, out in the open like this, his shy, modest Emily, unmindful of the fact that she was naked for all the world to see. It was true that this house was secluded, and that this part of the beach was wide. But from time to time joggers did run past, and if they glanced up toward the house…Yeah, they’d certainly get an eyeful.
But it was one eyeful Jim didn’t want to share with anyone. He sat up, sliding toward the end of the chair. As he stood up, he lifted Emily, too. She wrapped her arms around his neck and her long legs around his waist as he carried her into the house.
He didn’t make it to the bedroom.
JIM SWAM in circles around Emily as she floated serenely in the warm ocean. He wondered how to bring up the subject of removing her from the investigation. The one time he’d brought it up over the past few days, she’d told him in no uncertain terms that she had absolutely no intention of quitting—not now that they were so close. The problem was, he had absolutely no intention of letting her put herself in further danger. But, short of flat-out forbidding her to continue with the investigation, he wasn’t sure how to achieve his goal.
“Did you get in touch with Felipe?” Emily asked lazily, treading the water with the smallest of motions. She was wearing a high-waisted blue batik-print bikini that managed to be both modest and sexy as all hell. Just like Emily.
“Yeah,” he said, standing up and shaking the water out of his ears. “He’s been following Delmore all week. Nothing’s out of the ordinary. According to Phil, the guy’s been playing it clean. Hasn’t even exceeded the speed limit.”
“Did Felipe happen to mention Jewel Hays?” Emily asked, opening her eyes to look up at him. “He was visiting her regularly for a while there. Do you know if he’s seen her lately?”
Jim squeezed the seawater out of his long hair. “Yeah,” he said again.
Emily floated toward him. “Yeah what?” she asked, looping her arms around his neck and kissing his smoothly shaved chin. “Yeah, he mentioned her, or yeah, you know whether or not he’s seen her lately?”
“Both,” Jim said, smiling down into her sun-kissed face. She looked like some kind of wonderful sea creature, a mermaid or a sea sprite. “Jewel’s doing really well. Her little boy, Billy, is, too. Phil was helping her study for her GED.”
“But he’s not anymore?” Emily asked.
Jim pulled her closer, fitting their bodies neatly together underneath the cover of the water. If only they weren’t wearing these bathing suits…
“Mmm…” Emily said as he kissed her, but she was only temporarily distracted. “Something happened, didn’t it? Jewel got too intense for Felipe, right?”
Jim sighed. “Felipe got too intense for Felipe,” he said. “He’s attracted to her, Em, but he says he’s not ready for any kind of serious, strings-attached kind of relationship. And Jewel comes with all kinds of strings attached. He knows he’s got a real weakness when it comes to women, and he also knows that a casual sexual relationship is not what Jewel needs right now. So he’s keeping his distance.”
“He’s afraid he can’t control himself, so Jewel loses a friend,” Emily said.
“He’s doing what he knows is best, Em.”
“It still stinks,” she said. “Jewel’s got to be wondering what happened. She’s probably hurt.”
“This isn’t easy for Felipe, either. What is he supposed to do?” Jim asked. “Whenever they’re together, she starts coming on to him. He’s a man, not a saint, Em.”
“Maybe she’s coming on to him because she doesn’t know how to interact with a man in any other way,” Emily said. “Maybe all she really wants is to be his friend.”
Emily started wading to shore. “He could try talking to her,” she said. “He could tell her what he’s feeling, instead of leaving her completely in the dark.” She stopped and turned to look back at him, hoping he’d realize that she was talking about more than Jewel and Felipe. “He could let her take p
art in the decision making.”
Jim was looking down at the water, not meeting her eyes. He knew exactly what she was talking about. “Yeah, well…” he said. “That’s not always easy, is it?”
He slipped underneath the water, ending the conversation. Emily went up to the beach alone.
“EXCUSE ME?” Emily said, crossing her arms tightly in front of her and leaning back against the kitchen counter. “I must not have heard you right. It sounded to me like you just told me that you weren’t going to allow me to help catch Alex.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said,” Jim said. He gripped her shoulders, begging her with his eyes to listen to what he was saying. “Em, if you’re out there, something could happen. Anything could go wrong. You could be hurt—or worse. I can’t take that risk. It’s killing me. The only obvious solution is to take you off the case, so that’s what I’m gonna do. I promise you, I’ll find another way to get this guy—”
“You have no right—”
“Yeah, actually, I do,” he countered. “I have both the right and the authority.”
“I’m not talking about police procedures,” Emily said hotly. “I’m talking about your macho male-chauvinist Y-chromosome-loaded assumption that as my lover you have the right to tell me what I can and cannot do. Didn’t it occur to you to discuss this with me first, master?”
Well, no, actually, it hadn’t. He went back to cutting vegetables for their salad. “Emily, stop. I’m not going to play games with your safety.”
“I’m not talking about games, I’m talking about decision making. I’m talking about democracy, about a partnership, about equal give-and-take,” she said, smacking the countertop with her hand to get his attention. “Don’t I matter to you?”
He turned toward her, dropping the knife. “Of course—”
“Don’t you respect my ability to come to my own conclusions, to make up my own mind?”
“Yeah, but—”
“I’m not quitting now,” she said. “Not when we’re so close. We’re going to have a chance to get you onto Alex’s boat tomorrow, Jim.” She reached out to him, gripping the smooth muscles of his forearms, then letting her hands slide down to his wrists, to his hands. “It’s not like I’ll be alone with him. It’s a society party. Dozens of people will be there. You’ll be there, too.”
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