I arrived for my lesson with Lee and I changed into my shoes. I smiled a little, reality and a lot of autopilot was in action again because here it hurt the most, I pictured him changing his shoes, looking at me, the fall at his feet, our first dance this place was so painful, my peaceful place was not a horrid place to be, I didn’t want to be here either, not without him...
“Good evening Lee, what do we start with first?” He looked at me and smiled.
“You look different tonight feistier and ready to rock my world?” I laughed at that one
“Lee If ever you were barking up the wrong tree now.” He laughed again and gave me a hug. He didn’t ask questions just gave me a hug. He told me he was there for me again, as he had done last week too. I nearly cried off but did the lessons and went straight home, this week wasn’t any easier and I hated my shity life more. Dance class the place to mend my soul, even this place was struggling.
“I like your sassy mouth Michelle, I will dance female through the basics with you start with the foxtrot and we follow the music to the next dance. Is that clear?” I smiled.
“As crystal Lee let’s get this show on the road.” He ran and put an album on and we danced I went through the waltz, the foxtrot, slow fox trot, jive and rumba.
“Your top-notch on those Michelle let’s do the tango and call it a night.” I took up the position.
“It would be a lot easier this if you weren’t the size of an Amazonian Princess, Lee.” He laughed.
“Make that The Queen of the Amazons if you don’t mind? Come on let’s get this done and out of the way, the tango and finish for tonight.” I started fine and got to the part were Gillian had sent me flying into Sam, I took a deep breath and danced through the painful memory, I did it perfectly. I smiled and corrected my partner’s hands. He smiled down at me.
“That’s it for tonight Michelle perfect lesson, see you Friday only a week to exams you still have to nail the samba, add another lesson in midweek perhaps babes and I still have the forms for the dancing competition, give it a try please babe?” I gave him a peck on his cheek and promised to think about it. I went to change my shoes. I walked home in a better mood.
I went to cross the field and he was there at the steps, I didn’t know whether to go around and hide from him or make it a clean cut ending this painful bit of my life forever? I decided a clean cut and rip the plaster off and get on with healing. I ran to him and threw my hands around him.
“Oh Sam you came, you came back to me thank you, thank you, oh I missed you so much.” I kissed him my tears falling as he went stiff and he pulled away again; damn it he did nothing to make this easier, there was absolutely nothing there, I sat down and waited for him to start talking but he didn’t talk, he just ignored me? I watched him and waited for him to speak, his beautiful face was still just as I remembered it to be, he looked no different.
Still there the lost look in his eyes perhaps, an absent look about him, here but not really here? I watched him with tears welling in my eyes and yes I sat for ages waiting. I went to touch him and he pulled away. I was hurting even more now, this silence was killing me the lack of emotion was a hard pill to swallow, he was always so loving before his hands never left my body, now he was repulsed by my touch and his non presence here was a useless waste of time, why had he come if all he was going to do was sit in silence, he was now just a silent stranger sat on the steps. I wanted him, I needed him, I yearned for his touch and he couldn’t stand mine. Was he still the little boy, was he still lost?
“Oh hell Sam speak to me please, this is killing me. Every day is horrid and empty angel. What’s going on Sam? It’s as if I’m nothing to you anymore? Christ am I nothing to you anymore? Now you have had me you, don’t want me? Please angel, talk to me and just tell me what I need to do? Do I wait or leave, what do you want from me? Tell me Sam, please just tell me what I need to do to get us back, I’m dying without you Sam, is there any chance of getting us back?” Still expressionless and blank, nothing but a dead look on his face.
“Go back to your Aunts Sam, I can’t do this anymore. I’m not as strong as you all think I am. I can’t carry you forever and you can’t keep making me. You have serious problems and until you sort them out and get help, we can’t do this anymore. I gave you that piece of me to keep forever. Now you have treated me no differently than Janet treated you. Is that what you wanted all along someone to feel the pain you felt? Well congratulations it worked, you’ve managed it I feel used and I feel like a stupid fool because I fell for your lies, did you ever love me?
I know what he did to you was really bad Sam, but I didn’t do anything to you, why are you punishing me for his actions? I did what I did that day to protect you because I love you. I will always love you Sam always; but I won’t be treated like this I won’t let you hurt me anymore. Why do you hate me when all I have ever done is love you? You can’t do this to me, not end it like this, I deserve to hear the reason why we are through, that would be good. You promised me always and forever. It seems that’s not the case a better one that suits you Sam is, love ‘em and leave ‘em that works better for you.”
He just looked at me his eyes blank and no emotion. I wanted to hold him, but he pulled away again and again, he was repulsed by my touch, the touch he craved just days ago was now not wanted. So revolted was he by me, that he couldn’t bear to feel my hands on him.
“Please Sam tell me what to do? I need you to tell me things are going to be all right. I’m not leaving you Sam because your pushing me away, but if we’re through…”
I sobbed more and more, the tears and screaming at him caused me to throw up and as I wiped my mouth, I could swear he changed just for a moment, but no he didn’t move, no comforting arms around me.
“… I won’t be stopping here in Stockton Sam. This is too hard and I won’t ever be coming back, Australia’s looking for chefs and the navy is back on the cards again, but know this though. I will always love you baby and only you. I’m just sorry you don’t love me the same way. I wish your dad had killed me Sam, at least I wouldn’t have to be this unhappy, and my pain would be no more. Sam please just speak to me.”
I got up to touch him again and he pulled his arm away. I couldn’t keep this up, the rejection was too much, and not when I didn’t know why?
“I guess I’ve had my answer and we’re over and you haven’t even had the guts to tell me why, so goodbye Sam, I won’t be seeing you again. I don’t think I have ever been hurt as much as I have been in these past few days, you did that and for that I will never forgive you, you have broken my heart. I hope someday someone finds a way to help you, I hope too someday you get your true always and forever, I wasn’t yours, but you were that person for me Sam. You need to get some help! Goodbye, I will never forget you Sam.”
I couldn’t beg anymore, so I turned and I ran away. I cried and turned for one last look as I climbed through the fence, he was walking away. I ran after him, all that was crap, I loved him, and I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be fine. I screamed at him to stop.
“Please stop, please Sammmmmmmmm, stop please, I love you always and forever angel, come back to me please?” I got to the top of the hill and he was getting in his Aunts car, she sped off and drove him away from me, we were not so easy to fix after all…
I woke after a few days in a hospital. I woke at first very confused and I remembered very little about the first three or four days there, they were crazy days! During those missing days, I thought I was a child apparently, I cried for my mummy a lot and I was sore, and had the biggest headache, I found out I’m not in fact a four year old child, but a twenty two year old man. I had a massive shock looking into the mirror when I woke and needed the toilet, the man in the mirror was old, and as I screamed the nurse jabbed me with a needle and I slept. When I woke up a man was sitting in my room, he was a doctor called Dylan he wanted to talk to me about my condition. I couldn’t tell him much because I didn’t know any
thing.
The men who stopped with me were my brothers I didn’t believe them, nor that the man who brought books and books full of photographs with him was my cousin, but after hours of looking at the photographs, I started to remember them, they had to show me pictures of my mum and Aunty Allison as they too had aged, they didn’t come to see me for a long time, but I didn’t know how many days they just came and went, as did the visits from the doctor called Dylan.
Dylan Carter was my psychiatrist, and he was there too when mum and aunty came to see me, I was nervous and they cried a lot that’s all I remembered about their first visits, that and looking at the many albums of photographs with them, I slowly remembered the times and the things they showed me and as my memories were slowly returning I felt happier, but there was something nobody was telling me, Andy would tell Jimmy to shush every time he mentioned a girl called Michelle, and as I didn’t know a Michelle I ignored them!
I asked Aunty about Michelle when Andy and Jimmy went to get fresh clothes and stuff, and she smiled! She it seems knew her well, so did I apparently I was going to marry her, which was a great shock, where was she and why did Andy not tell me about this woman was my most obvious of answers. Aunty said to look at the photographs she had of Michelle in her handbag, she’d apparently been dying to show them me for a couple of days.
I knew the woman in the photographs as soon as she showed them to me; she was the nice lady who stopped with me when I had an accident in my pants. She changed my clothes and she smelt nice and like flowers, I remembered the blanket she wrapped me in and the cuddles she gave me, but I didn’t remember anything else, I wanted to, it seemed like mum and aunty needed me to remember her desperately. I know when Andy got back he was angry at aunty, but Jimmy was happy, he said this was the girl I needed to remember and Andy told him I didn’t need her in my life she was bad news and he was to shut up?
I continued to look at the photographs for the next day, I was looking at them when another lady came in she said I liked her too, but somehow I knew this was a lie, she came in with Andy a few times, but she was never my girlfriend for some strange reason I just knew she wasn’t. She said the woman in the pictures was a bitch who had only used me. This is when something just clicked within me. I took out the pictures again after Andy took his girlfriend home; I didn’t much like her. Aunty came with mum again and they talked about Michelle, but nothing came back other than the feeling that she was important to me! Dylan said not to push my memory was good considering the damage I had, had inflicted upon my head.
I was discharged to aunties house and placed in a big room with my own shower. I was given the photographs of Michelle and I looked at them again and as I looked at one of us in a ballroom I smiled she looked so happy, I traced her lips with my finger in one photo and it was as though a light had been switched on and I remembered me asking this woman out, she said yes, and we got wet. Dylan said this was good progress and left after a short session about coping triggers and coping mechanisms.
I had my pills and slept in Aunties big comfortable bed and had a dream, I woke crying and as Aunty came running in I smiled I remembered Michelle and taking her virginity in this very bed. I remembered our nights there and my memories of her flooded back, taking her gift and how right she felt beneath me and being with her that way. We’d done amazing things together and I blushed because I remembered exactly what we did in this very bed. I’d remembered I had a fiancée and she is my Michelle, she is the love of my life and we did a wondrous thing in this bed and as I remember the things we did, all of them. I smile for the first time in ages; I hug the pillow and cry. I’d remembered her. I need to hug her and tell her I love her. Aunty cried a lot. Andy was mad and mum and Jimmy asked did I remember asking her to marry me? Simple answer yes I remembered the knee drop and everything that went with it; I needed her back in my life, soon!
After a day of crying and talking to Andy, he said no! We had to think of her and her safety, he was right. I trusted him totally he hadn’t left my side and neither did my little brother Jimmy. The days passed slowly and with the help of the pills all I know was they were long and so upsetting; I wanted my life back I wanted to start over and for Michelle to be in it. When my memories came back, they came back with vengeance. I then, remembered the threats he made, I have to keep her and my baby brother safe too, all of them. My would be new family, need to be safe, and if he were locked away, they would be, he has sworn to get even, Andy says she will be safe away from me, end it. I don’t want to, but he’s right she will be safe and I will have to make do with the memories of her I have in my head, because there will be no more and her life depends on it.
Michelle has been constantly on my mind for days, the fog clears occasionally and I want to see Michelle, she is in my dreams all the time. I want her and I need to tell her I love her, I want her to hold me; I want to smell her, to touch her again. Then it hits me what my family have done to her. I will make this easy for her and leave her. It breaks my heart, the thought of not seeing her ever again, but dad has promised he will be back and he will kill her! If she isn’t with me anymore, she will be safe, they all will be safe, she will meet someone else and that will kill me, but I have to do this, I have to keep her safe. Mi cielo my heart is breaking.
Aunty says she is a mess and is devastated, she just wants to see me and for me to explain, but I know if I see her I will want to hold her, kiss her, have her in my life again, but she will be in danger again. Mum gives me my pills and we look at photos again, I sleep again. I wake, sleep, I take a pill. I sleep a lot...
Jimmy comes back, they are emptying the house and he’s been to see Michelle. He tells me she is a mess too, she loves me and she will only speak to me and I have to speak to her for her to move on. Michelle, this will be the hardest thing I do, letting you go… He hates me for breaking her heart I can see it in his eyes, not as much as I hate myself Jimmy, not half as much as I hate myself for endangering her life and bringing her into our fucked up world. The decision is made; I will give her the answers she needs to leave.
I ask Aunty to drop me off at the top of the hill and come back for me in an hour and it will be the hardest hour of my life and this I have to do myself, to help her heal, for me that will take some doing, if I can ever recover from this. She has a lesson with Lee, so I hope she comes back after it and comes this way, I can’t go to her house, ever again. She here and as ever looks lovely as she walks down the hill, her hair in a soft curl on top of her head, her hair bouncing in the wind and with her pretty dress on too, baby I’ve missed you.
She kisses me, I’ve missed her and I tingle all over, my dick twitches at the memory of being inside her and making love to her, giving her my all! My heart breaks at not being there with her ever again, my favourite place second to being here in her arms. The images shoot through my mind of her giving herself to me, I will always have those wonderful memories to keep me going but this needs doing.
We sit for what seems like forever. I can smell her perfume and I see her from the corner of my eye, but I can’t look at her and it is killing me not to be able to look her in the eyes. If I do I will bring all this hate back into her life. She will get over me eventually and move on. I never will, I just want it all to end. She reaches over and touches me, I recoil from her touch, one touch, and I will back in her arms. She cries and how I want to hold her in my arms, but I need to be strong, you’re going to have to be strong Sam.
She rants and rages at me, she has every right. She mentions me doing the same to her as I had done to me by Janet, which cuts me to the core that’s what it must seem like to her, but to me I’m saving her life. I’m feeling lost and helpless, as she is sick, I want to rush and hold her, but I have to stay strong!
I’m hurt and confused by everything, does she really think I don’t want her safe and with me? With me she isn’t safe. I can’t and won’t risk it, apparently Andy says Dennis will be charged, but not do proper prison time and he refuses to te
ll him of his abuse at his hands, and I am told I can’t give evidence. My psychiatrist told the police I was an unreliable witness, as I can’t remember that day or anything for a week after.
Yes if I talk, she will talk me around! I know she will because that’s what I want, but he will be out and come for her, he will kill her and her family remember, Sam this is for her sake I tell myself over and over again. She looks at me and I stare into space; I can’t face her. She pulls me to her and I pull away, my arms want to hold her and never let her go. My mouth wants to kiss hers but my head wins the day, my heart loses, this has been hard and the longest hour of my life I wasn’t her and need her, she’s has finally had enough and screams at me to leave her and she will now be leaving Stockton too, she’s thinking of Australia or the navy again, good she will be safe away from me and here. She is saying goodbye and is leaving me; I hear the words of dread…
“I guess I’ve had my answer and we’re over and you haven’t even had the guts to tell me why, so goodbye Sam, I won’t be seeing you again.
No baby I can’t tell you I love you, I can’t tell you why either. I don’t have the courage needed to speak to you baby, that why I can’t my voice would betray me and I can’t risk it!
“I don’t think I have ever been hurt as much as I have been in these past few days, you did that and for that I will never forgive you, you have broken my heart.”
I know you are hurting baby, better hurt than dead and you will move on you have too; I hope one day you do forgive me. I will never forget you not until my dying day, my heart is shattered into a million unfixable pieces too, I love you Michelle.
A Life Plan Without You. Page 67
