The first time Rabbit had got sick, Grace hadn’t been to see her. She’d made that terrible excuse and Rabbit was kind enough to accept it, but Marjorie had been there for her the whole time and Rabbit didn’t really need anyone else when Marjorie was around. It was only when the cancer had spread that Grace had become scared. Breast cancer is curable and everything was going to be fine. It was no big deal until it wasn’t curable and it was a big deal, and by then Grace had felt so guilty she had wanted to die. Since then she’d been doing everything she could to make it up to Rabbit. She’d sat with her during her chemotherapy, waited for her during radiation. She’d been the last to see her before she went under anaesthetic and the first there when she woke. She had sat by so many beds during the past few years she couldn’t count them, and sick people didn’t frighten her any more. The only thing that frightened Grace Black was death.
Rabbit
Mabel was playing solitaire on the bed when Rabbit woke up.
‘Wow, you’re lazy,’ Mabel said, without taking her eyes off the cards.
‘What time is it?’ Rabbit asked.
‘A little after four fifteen p.m.’
‘Where’s Juliet?’
Mabel put down her cards, grabbed a swab lollipop and wiped it over Rabbit’s cracked lips. ‘Davey took her to get something to eat. The poor thing has been just sitting there staring at you for hours.’
Rabbit sucked the lemon and glycerine lolly as Mabel talked. ‘Can you take her later?’ she asked.
‘Juliet? Sure.’
‘I need you to tell Davey to make sure all the family, including Marjorie, are here tonight.’ Rabbit was speaking in a rush: getting through the sentence was a matter of urgency.
‘OK.’
‘They have to wake me or wait for me.’
‘I’ll tell them.’
‘I’m really tired, Mabel.’
‘Go back to sleep.’
‘You’ll make sure?’
‘I promise they’ll be here.’
‘Thank you,’ Rabbit said, and relaxed. She took a moment to focus on Mabel’s Gothic-rock inspired T-shirt. ‘Nice T-shirt.’
‘Picked it up in a vintage store in . . .’
Rabbit was already asleep.
Johnny
Back in the day, before Johnny was sick, whenever the boys toured the routine was always the same. Uncle Terry would pick them up at Davey’s and they’d pile the gear from the garage into the van. Johnny was always the first in to secure the best possible spot, Francie and Jay next, then Louis or Kev, depending on whether it was a Kitchen Sink or Sound gig. Davey was always last because he was shitting his brains out or fucking around in his house – he had always forgotten something. It was driving the lads mad. To teach Davey a lesson and to encourage him not to waste their time, they came up with a simple solution. Uncle Terry’s van was partitioned: once he was up front he couldn’t see or hear the lads, so he relied on one of them tapping the inside of the van to signal they were all on board and ready for him to drive away. The lads always waited until Davey was just about to step on board before one or all of them hit the side of the van and Uncle Terry took off, leaving Davey on the road shouting, running and risking his life to jump into a speeding van with its back doors flapping. He wasn’t the quickest learner in the world, but after five or six near-death experiences, he copped on and was never last into the van again.
When Rabbit first joined them as their sound engineer she dared to keep them waiting once and, as a rite of passage, they waited until she was just ready to step in and hit the sides of the van. Uncle Terry took off but instead of running, shouting and risking her life, Rabbit stood in the middle of the road with her hands on her hips, watching the van with its flapping doors drive further and further down the long street. After a minute or two, Uncle Terry stopped and got out to see what all the fuss was about: once the lads had realized that Rabbit wasn’t playing ball, they had clattered on the walls to get his attention. He was not pleased when he looked from the lads to Rabbit, who was still standing in the middle of the road. He slammed the doors and reversed back down for her. She jumped in and knocked on the side of the van. Uncle Terry took off. She sat down beside Johnny.
‘Eejits,’ she said.
‘Jaysus, Rabbit, you really know how to suck the magic out of a thing,’ Francie grumbled.
‘Magic, Francie? Magic is making the Golden Gate Bridge disappear. That was acting the bollocks.’
Johnny laughed.
‘It was your fucking idea,’ Jay said to him.
‘Yeah, but if yous had done it to me I’d have done the same thing. It’s only that thick who would actually risk his life to get into a moving van that wasn’t going anywhere without him.’
The lads laughed. ‘Yeah.’ They nodded to themselves. ‘DB, you’re a dozy prick,’ Francie said, and everyone, including Rabbit, laughed again. Davey said nothing: he let his middle fingers do the talking.
When the band was finished and the lads had begun to move on with their lives, Johnny often talked about Davey running after the van. It was one of those nothing memories that stayed with him and entertained him long after he’d begun to lose his battle with MS.
It was six months after the band had played their last gig, and Johnny was having a good week. Francie was working and Jay was studying. Davey was drinking himself into a stupor and sleeping with any girl who had a pulse. Two weeks previously, Kev had followed a French girl to Paris, declaring it was true love and asking, ‘How hard is it to learn French anyway?’ Johnny and Rabbit were sick of watching films and eating curry every Friday night.
‘Let’s just get in my car and go somewhere,’ Johnny said.
‘Where?’ she asked.
‘Anywhere.’
‘You’ll get tired.’
‘And when I do you can take over.’
‘I can’t drive.’
‘It’s easy. I’ll teach you.’
‘Da would kill me.’
‘Come on, please, let’s just go.’
It was the urgency in his voice, not the prospect of a trip, that made Rabbit relent. It was as if he knew this might be his last spell of good health. ‘OK.’
Rabbit’s da was still at work and her ma was out shopping so Rabbit left a note: ‘On holiday. Wait for postcard. Love Rabbit and Johnny.’ They got a taxi to Johnny’s house, picked up some of his clothes and put them into the car he hadn’t driven in a year. He sat behind the wheel, Rabbit beside him.
‘Are you sure?’ she asked, and he answered her by taking off. They decided to go camping in Wicklow. The band had gigged there; it had a beach, it was a young, fun place, and it was away from home but not too far. It was about an hour into the trip when Johnny’s legs gave out. He could still walk and he had very little difficulty moving around to the passenger side of the car, but he couldn’t drive.
‘Shit,’ Rabbit complained. ‘I knew this would happen.’
‘Driving is easy. I’ll be right next to you and we’ve not far to go.’
‘Oh, that’s comforting,’ she said, getting into the driver’s seat.
They spent half an hour by the side of the road, Johnny instructing her on how to use her mirrors, how to signal and which pedal did what. Halfway through a lecture on changing gear she got bored, started the engine and set off. After a little stopping, starting, chugging, and one incident in which Rabbit stopped just short of driving into the back of a bus, she felt she had everything under control – apart from Johnny, who kept shouting, ‘Look left, mind your mirrors and indicate, indicate, indicate!’ It was a pleasant trip. They stopped for lunch in a little café in Wicklow Town and, although Johnny was walking with a cane, they looked like an ordinary couple, even though technically they were still not a couple. Rabbit had given up thinking about it and hoping. She still didn’t fancy anyone else, she still loved Johnny, and she knew he loved her. If he hadn’t been so beaten up by his illness she might have wondered if he was gay, but he was ill and sca
red, so she had learned to give up all expectation and just enjoy their precious moments together.
It was dark when they reached the B&B that the lady in the café had recommended to them. They had booked a twin room from a phone box a couple of hours ago. Rabbit double-parked and they walked into Reception together. The owner brought them to the room and, to their surprise, it had a double bed. There was nothing else available, so they took it. Johnny seemed a little more perturbed by the happenstance than Rabbit. He sat on the bed and rapped his cane on the floor. ‘We could try somewhere else.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘There’s loads of B&Bs in Wicklow.’
‘I don’t have lice, you know.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Rabbit.’
‘I’m not the adult in the room crying about having to share a bed.’
Rabbit was so pissed off that she grabbed her washbag and slammed the door when she left for the bathroom in the next corridor. She took an age to return, and when she did she found Johnny bare-chested in bed. Her heart skipped a beat.
‘I sleep in boxers. I didn’t bring any T-shirts.’
‘It’s fine,’ Rabbit said, but it wasn’t really. Her stomach had started to do the rumba. She placed her washbag on the dresser, turned out the light, walked over to the bed and, before she got into it, she heard herself saying the only prayer she ever said: Dear God, don’t let me faint. They were both tall and the bed was not the largest double ever made. It was hard not to touch each other but they tried really hard. Rabbit was usually not spatially aware, but that night she could tell the distance between them to the millimetre.
‘Are you OK?’ he said.
‘Grand. You?’
‘Fine.’
‘Great. Goodnight.’
He let out a deep long sigh and, knowing him as well as she did, Rabbit identified it as frustration. Huh. Johnny’s lying beside me and he’s frustrated.
‘Goodnight,’ he said.
‘Goodnight,’ she said once more, for good measure. ‘Oh, and if you need help to the loo . . .’
‘I won’t need help,’ he said, his early frustration turning to annoyance.
‘Just saying.’
They lay in darkness, eyes wide open, side by side and tantalizingly close, both afraid to move a muscle. Rabbit worried about Johnny going into spasm, but she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to incur his wrath. Time passed and it might have been a mere second or an entire hour before he spoke.
‘Are you comfortable?’
‘Very.’ Would you ever please just kiss me?
‘Good.’
‘Are you comfortable?’ she asked.
‘Not really.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, will you just get over yourself?’ She turned over to face him – and as she did so he pulled her in for a deep kiss.
‘Oh,’ she said, and her voice quivered in line with her entire body.
‘Oh? OK?’
‘Oh, yes.’
That night Johnny Faye didn’t spasm, tingle, tire or ache, and Rabbit Hayes lost her virginity.
Chapter Fourteen
Rabbit
RABBIT WOKE UP to Grace, Davey, Lenny and Marjorie’s muted faces. Even in her drugged haze, she sensed the tension. She buzzed Linda to come and help her sit up. She arrived quickly, and when she was happy that Rabbit didn’t need anything else, she left the room, but not before giving Rabbit the eye and mouthing, ‘What’s with the Cold War?’ Rabbit shrugged. ‘Keep me posted,’ Linda said, as she walked out of the door.
Another tray of uneaten food lay at the end of Rabbit’s bed. Marjorie lifted the cover. ‘It’s still warm if you’d like to try some,’ she said.
‘Not hungry. What’s going on with you two?’ Rabbit asked Davey and Grace.
‘Nothing,’ Grace said, slightly too aggressively and shooting her shut-your-face look at Davey.
‘Davey?’ Rabbit said.
‘It’s just Grace being Grace.’
‘Bossy?’ Rabbit wondered.
‘And arrogant,’ Davey said.
‘And Davey’s being childish . . .’ Grace retaliated.
‘And stubborn,’ Rabbit said.
‘And blind,’ Grace added.
‘Says the know-it-all,’ Davey said.
‘So what’s this all about?’ Rabbit asked.
Both siblings said ‘Nothing’ at the same time.
‘Oh,’ Rabbit said. ‘Marjorie?’
‘I’m pleading the Fifth.’
‘We’re not Americans,’ Rabbit said.
‘I don’t care,’ Marjorie replied.
‘Lenny?’
Lenny put his hands into the air.
Rabbit might have pressed them if their parents hadn’t arrived. Molly was still pale but she appeared rested. Jack leaned in and kissed his daughter.
‘Pauline got stopped by a copper for speeding – she was only a bit over the limit. I’d swear to God that fucker she married is still haunting her.’
Grace threw dagger looks at Davey. ‘You could have gone to get them.’
‘And you could have picked them up,’ Davey retorted.
‘How long have they been like this?’ Molly asked Rabbit.
‘Since I woke up.’ She smiled at her ma.
‘And you’re loving it,’ Molly said.
‘There’s nothing on TV,’ Rabbit said.
When Jack and Molly settled themselves, everyone focused on Rabbit, waiting to hear what she wanted to say. She felt stronger than she had during the day but she needed to get to the point. ‘I want to talk about Juliet.’
‘It’s already sorted, love,’ Molly said.
‘No, it’s not, Ma.’
‘We’re taking her until—’
‘Ma, please, you can’t take her, not now.’
‘She’s right,’ Jack said, and Molly gave him a dig in the ribs.
‘We’re taking her,’ Grace said, and Lenny nodded his agreement.
‘You don’t have the room,’ Rabbit said.
‘Exactly. They don’t have the room,’ Davey agreed.
‘And you do?’ Rabbit asked.
‘You know I do.’
‘You’re not seriously thinking about giving her to Davey?’ Grace said.
‘I’m not giving her to anyone,’ Rabbit replied.
‘I didn’t mean it like that.’
‘I can take care of her. I know it doesn’t seem like I have it together, and sometimes I don’t, but I’ll sort myself out and I’ll look after her according to your wishes,’ Davey said.
‘Da, tell him,’ Grace said.
‘I think Grace should consider it,’ Jack said.
Grace and Molly turned on him.
‘You’ve changed your tune, Da,’ Grace said, in a high-pitched voice.
‘You’re not serious, Jack.’ Molly turned to Davey. ‘No offence, son.’
‘Davey has room for Juliet and not just in his house,’ Jack said.
Davey smiled smugly. ‘Thank you, Da.’
‘Are you saying we don’t have room in our hearts for her? Because, seriously, Da—’
‘That’s not what he’s saying.’ Rabbit redirected their attention to herself. ‘He’s saying they need each other.’
‘Something like that,’ Jack agreed.
‘Ah, this is just stupid. Juliet is not going to America,’ Molly said.
‘That’s my decision, Ma,’ Rabbit told her. ‘Marjorie?’
‘What?’
‘What do you think?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘It’s OK, Marjorie, tell her how you feel,’ Davey said.
‘I think she needs stability and that will be really hard for Davey to provide, no matter how much he wants to. I’m sorry, it’s just how I feel.’
‘I disagree. We forget Davey has a strong support system over there. I think if he really wants to care for Juliet he’ll do a good job of it,’ Jack said.
‘We’re here. We can fit her in and we kn
ow how to parent,’ Grace said.
‘Davey, do you really think you can do this?’ Rabbit asked.
‘I don’t fucking believe it!’ Grace said.
‘I’m shitless, and every second minute I think about backing out, but I want her. I’ll get help, I’ll make changes and, if you allow me to care for her, I’ll make it work, I promise.’
Molly looked ready to burst into tears. Rabbit looked at Grace. ‘You’re a brilliant mother and I know you’d do your best for her and I love you for that . . .’
‘But?’ Grace said.
‘But you have four of your own children to care for . . .’
‘And?’
‘And Davey doesn’t.’
‘That’s what’s selling him to you? That he’s not a parent?’
‘Yeah,’ Rabbit admitted.
‘Ma?’ Grace said, looking for assistance, but her mother just covered her face.
‘Juliet picked Davey. She’s a lot of things, but she’s not subtle,’ Rabbit said.
Marjorie sighed loudly.
‘What?’ Rabbit asked.
‘I’m sorry, but she’s twelve years old. She shouldn’t have a say,’ her friend stated.
‘I disagree,’ Rabbit said. ‘It’s the only tiny piece of control she has in the midst of this whole mess. I trust her and I trust Davey.’
Davey started crying, drawing everyone’s attention to him. ‘I’m sorry.’ He waved them all away.
‘Grace, you know I love you and I’m grateful,’ Rabbit said.
‘I do.’ Grace wanted to tell her sister she thought she was making a big mistake, but it would be cruel and it wouldn’t change anything. Rabbit had made up her mind.
‘Ma?’ Rabbit said.
Molly looked at Davey. ‘Are you taking her back with you?’
‘Mabel and Casey have offered to help with schools and we’re going to stay in Nashville full-time,’ Davey said.
Without a word, Molly stood up and walked out of the room. Grace got up to follow her.
‘Stay where you are, Grace,’ Jack said. She sat down. ‘She just needs a minute.’
The Last Days of Rabbit Hayes Page 27
