by CD Reiss
What a pain in the ass.
I wasn’t afraid. Not at first. At first I took the normal precautions. I turned onto a wider street with more traffic. He was still there. Then I had the good sense to be scared.
My heart raced. My vision closed up in the rain. I picked up my pace, but not that much. Not enough to force him to run. I wanted him to be complacent, because I had to think.
Assume it’s not a coincidence. Assume it’s not a random guy minding his own business. Run into a public place. Except there are no public places at four in the morning.
Run home. Then he’d know where I lived.
The thunder cracked and the rain picked up as I chose home. Crosby Street was narrow and dark, but I could get behind a locked door.
Headlights from a slow-moving car lit up the sidewalk, and I avoided another puddle. As I turned, the same headlights shone ahead. I turned. The man in jeans was still behind me, and astride him, a car kept pace. He glanced at it. Stopped as I kept going. When I turned back again, the man in jeans was running away from me, and the car sped ahead.
What the hell?
Had the driver chased the man away? I hadn’t heard anything. Was it just the presence of the car? What had just happened?
You know exactly what happened.
I got under a scaffold and took out my phone, quickly opening the phone tracking app.
Adam’s green dot was two blocks ahead of me, turning off the street I was on, left onto Crosby. Must have been Dominic’s car. Or a hire. Something he’d grabbed fast when he saw me move. Something he could park by the loft and wait in, because according to the dot, that was exactly what he was doing.
If I started jogging, I’d get home from the other direction. He’d already be watching.
I could have gone and gotten a hotel room just to fuck with him. But I wasn’t feeling spiteful. Having taken the run, I was truly tired.
I jogged home, looked at the car long enough to note it was Dominic’s, and went into the lobby without even waving at my husband. I didn’t want him to know I knew he was there, and I wanted to give him the gift of thinking I was safe because of him. Whether it was true or not, whether he deserved it or not, the gift was still mine to give.
Chapter 35
I tried to work. I had an essay to read, a box full of emails, and checks to sign.
Though I’d slept soundly for a few more hours, my adrenaline was pumping by the time I got to work. Pictures of Adam and Serena danced in my head like sweaty, grunting sugarplums. I didn’t want that shit in my brain. I felt violated by my own thoughts.
So of course I had to check his green dot.
It was like an addiction. I craved the rush of anxiety. I was both miserable and comfortable in the heady, unpleasant pain of panic.
It was day thirty. If I was going to get him back, my last best chance was during the next sixteen hours. After that, we’d live on the same planet, but we would be unbound.
And yet, it was over.
He loved me and couldn’t admit it. He could chase away stalkers in the middle of the night, throw a fit about another Dom’s advances, but he couldn’t admit he loved me. Did I even have time for this? With or without Serena breathing down my neck, how was he serving me as a lover? Was I chasing him out of fear that she’d scoop him up? If he was wrong for me, what was the damn difference?
My hands shook too hard to sign the checks. I answered emails. The essay was good enough. I sent it to Zack for further review.
Nadine’s son wasn’t in, but his little space was carved out, waiting for him. I wished he was there. He cheered me up.
Dad sat at the desk across the room. I could hear his wet breaths behind the mask. Humidity was tough on him, even if it was cold. The air became a solid thing.
“Dad?” I said.
He said yes from behind the mask and kept his eyes on his keyboard.
“Do you want to go home?”
He tapped a few more keys then pushed the mask to the top of his head. His grey hair got caught in the strap and stuck out at odd angles. The shape of the mask left a red oval around his nose, cheeks, and chin. “Why would I want to go home?”
“You don’t sound good.”
“You always tell me that, and I’m always fine.”
“I’m sorry, I just don’t want you to feel obligated.”
He shut off the oxygen tank in three angry turns. “I am not obligated. Stop it. You make me crazy. Like you got nothing better to do than henpeck me your father.”
“You’re fine. I know.”
“You don’t. I taught you everything you know about this business before you were sixteen, but I haven’t taught you everything I know.”
I put my elbows on the desk and folded my hands. “Fine. Tell me something you know that I don’t.”
“Tell you something?”
“Yes. Tell me something. Surprise me.”
“Management rule number one.” He stuck his pointer finger at the ceiling. “If the person sitting next to you isn’t complaining, don’t ask them to. They’re probably very happy to be working.” He slipped his mask back down and turned on his oxygen.
Zack knocked and poked his head in.
“Hey,” I said. “I just sent you the camorra essay.”
My email beeped, and I looked as a matter of habit.
“I don’t think it’s expandable,” he said, closing the door behind him. “Not unless you want to do historical forensics, which is fun but doesn’t sell.”
“Forget it.” I opened the email and read it. “Oh!”
“Good news?”
“I won the silent auction. I forgot I even bid.”
He leaned into me. I could smell his cologne. “Dinner for two at Le Bernardin. Very nice.” He smirked and looked me up and down in a way that was wholly inappropriate.
“Yeah.” I didn’t want Zack to ask me who I was taking, because I wasn’t taking Adam and I wasn’t taking him. “Dad?”
He pushed his mask back. “I’m fine! Stop asking!”
“I know. Do you want to go to dinner with me?”
Zack stood, getting his breath off my neck. He really needed a good poke in the ribs with a very sharp stick.
“When?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t gotten the voucher yet.”
“Sure.” He looked from me to Zack and took the snap out of his tone. “Fine. Yes.” He put his mask back and got to work.
“He really is a fun date,” I said, and Zack and I laughed.
With a knock on my desk, he said, “I’ll take you some other time.” He winked and turned to leave before I could gracefully decline.
But then, why should I? Why not go with Zack? He was handsome and smart. He’d taken care of his mother when she was sick. He didn’t seem particularly broken or so whole he was boring.
Wasn’t I happy enough before I started crawling?
Why not just live? Why make it all so complicated? Why make every single thing about sex? Why not just fuck like a normal person? Was it so antithetical?
I couldn’t stretch my limited experience over the drum of the question.
Two birds lined up, right then. And I had a stone.
All I had to do was throw it perfectly the first time.
Chapter 36
DAY THIRTY
I’d never been to the Cellar outside a tryout night. Without the amateur population, it was much emptier and had the feel of an exclusive gathering place, rather than a nightclub.
Stefan met me in the lobby, wearing a sweater with his collared shirt and a pair of slim slacks. He’d told me to wear whatever I thought would help me achieve my goal for the evening. I didn’t tell him my goal. He was trying to get it out of me.
I’d chosen a long silk skirt and heels. The skirt covered me to the ankles but was so tight my goose bumps showed.
Adam had started texting me at four thirty.
—When am I seeing you tonight?—
I didn’t answer the first tim
e.
—Diana? I can still punish you—
—No, you can’t—
I hoped he felt his power waning. I hoped he felt the weight of day thirty. I hoped he wanted to make it the most memorable day of the past month and I was thwarting him by not giving a shit.
Which was untrue. I gave a shit. Just not the same shit.
—Stay there. I’m coming
to the office—
—I’m leaving now, so have at it—
I called Stefan. I lobbed the ball high assuming he wouldn’t catch it, but he did. That was the problem with asking people to help you do crazy things.
Sometimes they said yes.
Stefan signed me into the Cellar as a guest.
“I want to tell you something,” I said in the elevator ride up to the Cellar’s sixth floor.
“Yes?” Stefan answered, hands in his pockets as if it were the only way he could keep himself from using them brutally.
“Serena’s after Adam. She thinks she can make him happy where I failed.”
“And vice versa.”
The elevator doors opened, and we went to the bar.
“You knew?”
“I know her. Inside and out.”
Could I say the same of Adam? Did I know him inside and out? I did, but it hadn’t helped me one bit.
“You can stay close to me,” he said.
“Okay.”
Stefan pulled a chair for me at a little table by the window and ordered two ginger ales. At the bar, I recognized the young Dom from my first visit, when I’d gotten pulled into a dark room to watch a woman get paddled. He was in a crisp white shirt open at the neck and a grey sports jacket, talking to a woman in a business suit.
“If you have any plans,” Stefan said when he saw me watching the young Dom, “consider me first. For your own safety.”
Stefan was still Stefan. He still didn’t care for Adam, yet he tied himself to a man he didn’t like in an obsessive knot I didn’t understand. If I could hazard a guess, Stefan didn’t understand it either.
“Really? Safety?”
“I’m less of a wild card than you think.”
I’d have to consider it. If I was going to continue experimenting in this world, I would have to weigh my options. Stefan was attractive. He respected me. He was probably more hardcore than I was ready for but—
“Well,” I said, sitting up straighter. “You might want to turn around.”
He raised an eyebrow, finally turning when I nodded.
Serena stood in the doorway, looking so confident a normal person wouldn’t believe she was submissive. I wanted to look that confident. I wanted to fully submit and fully dominate at the same time, just like Serena.
Stefan only had eyes for her.
I didn’t want what they had. Their relationship walked too many wires, was too high maintenance, too brutal and servile.
Locking eyes with her, Stefan grabbed my hand across the table. “Now. Please.”
The please was more of a command than appeal. She turned her head away and went to the bar.
Stefan took his eyes from her and met mine. “I can give you what you want, however you want.”
“Are you trying to make her jealous?”
“Come.” He stood and held out his hand.
His Dominant voice had no effect on me. He was good, but he wasn’t Adam.
I stood without his help. “Listen to me, you need to try something different. She’s not coming back to you over sharing. Give her a reason to want you.”
“I know her,” he hissed.
“Apparently not. You’re invested in keeping Adam and me together so she comes back to you. Get her back because she loves you.”
Stefan and I were locked in a dead heat when an Australian-accented voice came from behind me.
“I just got the most interesting text.” Charlie leaned on his cane.
“Let me guess,” I said, letting Stefan watch Serena get a drink. “Is my wife there? You said yes. He said he was on his way. How long do I have?”
“This is getting old,” Charlie said, leaning on Stefan’s chair.
“At some point, he’s going to have to just deal with the fact that I have a body and I’m going to do what I want with it.”
“This is his club, missy.” Charlie’s voice was unusually sharp. “This is his safe space.”
“Missy?” I sat so I could be eye-to-eye with him. “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?”
“I’m talking to one half of a hot mess. The closer you get to what makes you happy, the more miserable he’s going to be. And the only way for him to be happy is for you to forget all this and be miserable. What you two need is a few miles between you. Indefinitely.”
Fuck him. He was butting in where he had no business butting. I sipped my ginger ale to hide the tension in my mouth. Scanning for Serena, I caught the eye of the young Dom in the white shirt. He raised his eyebrows just a little. Enough to let me know he wasn’t looking at me by accident.
“He’s like an alcoholic.” I looked back at Charlie. I could have made a speech about my explorations and self-actualization, but I didn’t. Couldn’t. They were too abstract. “He’s addicted to ideas about who he can love. You know the best thing for an alcoholic? Hit bottom.”
Hit bottom. Make it worse by far. Take it as far as it would go. Was that the answer? Or would it make reconciliation impossible? And if it did mean Adam and I were finished forever, did that also mean that was best for both of us?
“People break up all the time. We’re not inventing anything new.”
“On the contrary.” He leaned both hands on his cane. “You two are definitely inventing something new.”
“Then let’s not pretend to follow the old rules.” I picked up my bag and coat and walked past him.
He laid his hand on my arm. Not a hard or threatening gesture, but it made me stop. “Where are you going?”
“Winning the race to the bottom.”
I walked to the bar before he could ask me to explain. I made sure the young Dom saw me, but he was talking to a woman. I couldn’t approach directly.
I needn’t have worried. He met me halfway across the room.
“Hello,” I said, folding my coat in front of me.
“I was hoping I’d have a chance to talk to you.”
“About?”
He didn’t pause a beat. “About where our needs intersect.”
“I have a need.”
“Tell me.”
“My husband.”
“Your husband?”
“You might know him. Adam Steinbeck.”
“Adam Steinbeck?”
“Is there an echo in here?”
He laughed a little. Nice smile. Nice face. I convinced myself I could do this.
“You intrigue me past original thought,” he said. “Tell me more.”
“I was with him when you paddled a sub in one of the rooms back there.”
“And?”
“And it looked like fun.”
He raised an eyebrow, tilting his head slightly. “I like fun as much as the next guy. Adam hasn’t been around in years, now his wife shows up wanting a paddling? Is he allowing it?”
“No. But he doesn’t want me. He dropped me. So I can get my paddlings anywhere I want.”
He crossed his arms. “What’s your end game, Mrs. Steinbeck?”
“Honestly?”
“Honestly.”
“Get him pissed enough to do it himself. He won’t because I’m his wife. I need him to address our intersecting needs, as you say. If you do it, he might wake up out of his stupor.”
“You know how foolish that is, right?”
“He’s on his way.”
His grey eyes lit up, and he put on a mischievous grin. “We’d better get to it then. My name is Chris.”
“Diana. Nice to meet you.”
He led me to the back. When I looked back, Charlie was no longer at the table. Serena was at t
he bar. I turned the corner with the vision of Stefan five feet from her, standing stock still as if afraid to approach. Three weeks earlier, I wouldn’t have believed Stefan was afraid of anything, Serena least of all. Maybe it would be a night of shattered assumptions.
Chapter 37
If I ever love a sub, it’s going to be you.
Desperation was a terrible mentor. Desperation covered the pitfalls in soothing colors, made everything outside of itself look more sensible. Desperation pretended to be calculation, but it was terrible at math. Desperation denied it was desperation until it hit bottom.
I can’t love you.
“Your cheeks are red,” Chris said when he closed the door behind us.
He’d led me through the long hallway with the rug of naked bodies to the same viewing room I’d seen him in last time. It was smaller from the inside, dimmer, both cleaner and more run-down than it looked from the other side of the mirror. Cables ran from the back of a box to a beige power strip with a red light at the end. The door on one of the cabinets didn’t sit quite flush with the frame. The upholstery in the luxurious wingback chair had a tear that was shaped like an eye.
I felt close to you. Very close. And at the same time, I can’t, Diana. I’ve tried.
“I’m nervous.”
“Let’s take away as much of that as possible. Let’s set limits. One. You’re a married woman.”
“For now.”
“I’m not going to touch you.”
“Okay.”
“And you can keep your clothes on.”
“I want it hard,” I said, surprising myself. “Don’t waste my time with love taps.”
“I wouldn’t worry about that.” He slid a paddle out of a leather case. The same one he had when I’d seen him before. Light-color wood. Three holes. Worn leather handle. He placed it on the table. “Ten strokes.”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes, sir.”
When I called him sir, I was hit with the gravity of what I was doing.
Every time you submit to me, it’s like I’m waking up from a dream and the reality is that it’s just not there anymore.
