by Lynn Austin
“I’ll walk around to the backyard with them to make sure the gate is shut tight. I’ll be right back.” Dr. Herder still hadn’t arrived when Audrey returned, so she decided to take a chance as they sat together in Mrs. Herder’s gracious living room. “I couldn’t help noticing that the gold star is no longer in your front window,” she began.
Mrs. Herder gave a curt nod. “I took it down. It was time.” She looked over at the family photographs on the mantel and then back at Audrey. “It’s natural to mourn the people we love and to cling to them in our memory. But there comes a time when it’s also natural to be happy again. It doesn’t mean that we loved them any less. In fact, I think it’s a sign of our great love for them that we can still remember what love feels like and be willing to give it and receive it once again.”
Audrey swallowed a knot of grief. Mrs. Herder was talking about herself, but her words were an arrow that pierced Audrey’s heart.
“Eve told me that the two of you lost loved ones, too,” she continued.
“Y-yes. We both lost our mothers in the Blitz. And my husband, Robert. Not in the war but in an automobile accident after he had returned home.”
Mrs. Herder smiled. “You’re still so young. I hope you won’t be afraid to love again.”
Audrey paused. “I think that in many ways, I have been afraid.” She couldn’t deny how hard she’d fought all of Eve’s efforts to include Alan in their activities.
“I’ve been afraid, as well, dear. But it’s time for me to face my fear. And I hope it’s time for you and Eve, too. I took the star down because I realized how wrong it was for me to turn my grief into a shrine. To hang my sorrow in a prominent place where it was visible for everyone to see how very much I loved my son. But it doesn’t mean that I love him any less now that I’ve tucked the star away, at last.”
“That was very courageous of you.”
“Not at all. It was cowardly of me to keep it there. I knew that it would keep everyone at a distance from me, because they would be afraid to intrude on my grief. I didn’t have to open my heart to love again. Then your friend Eve waltzed through my door one day, followed soon after by you and the boys, and everything changed. I’d had the foolish notion that Cooper was mourning for Michael, too. It was just the two of us, living here in our loneliness and grief. But then I saw how quickly Cooper warmed up to your boys. I haven’t seen him this happy in years. It doesn’t mean that Cooper didn’t love his master. He can love Harry and Bobby and still love Michael. And I can, too.” She leaned forward and took both of Audrey’s hands. “You and Eve and your sons gave Cooper and me your love as a gift, reminding us of what we’ve been missing.”
Tears filled Audrey’s eyes. What if Eve hadn’t meddled by knocking on Mrs. Herder’s door that first day? What if she hadn’t meddled by insisting that Audrey call Dr. Herder? And what if Eve hadn’t meddled by inviting Alan Hamilton to be part of their lives this Christmas?
“I’ve been punishing myself by not visiting Ronald and his family at Christmas,” Mrs. Herder said, “because it seemed wrong to be happy and to celebrate together if Michael couldn’t be with us. As if I should never be happy or celebrate Christmas again. How ridiculous of me! If I engage wholeheartedly with life again, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t love Michael. Am I making any sense?”
Audrey nodded as tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Oh, now I’ve gone and made you cry. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. My tears are because you’ve made me realize that I’ve been doing the same thing. I’ve also built a shrine to my husband’s memory, and I’ve barricaded myself inside, trying to keep everything exactly as we had planned before he died and to live the way I thought he would have wanted. My son asked Santa Claus to bring him a daddy for Christmas, and it made me furious, as if Bobby was being disloyal to my husband to think of ever wanting another father. You and Cooper have shown me how wrong I was to feel that way. Thank you. I’ll have a lot to think about in the days ahead.”
Footsteps clomped across the front porch, and the door opened out in the hallway, startling them both. “Hello . . . Mom . . . ?” a cheery voice called. Audrey and Mrs. Herder both stood as three children ran past the man in the doorway to hug their grandmother. How Audrey wished that Eve could be here to see this happy reunion. She wiped her tears as Mrs. Herder introduced her to the grandchildren and to her son and daughter-in-law.
“Thank you so much for calling me,” Dr. Herder said. “And for offering to watch the dog.”
“I’m very glad I did.”
“Here’s the key to my house if you wouldn’t mind keeping an eye on it,” Mrs. Herder said.
“I would be happy to. And we’ll bring in your mail, too.”
“I can help you walk to the car, Grandma,” the granddaughter said, hugging Mrs. Herder’s waist. Her two grandsons helped load her suitcase and some Christmas parcels into the car.
Harry and Bobby ran to the gate with the dog to wave goodbye. “We’ll take real good care of Cooper for you,” Harry called.
“Thank you. I know you will, dear boy.”
Audrey stood on the porch to wave goodbye as Dr. Herder’s car pulled away. Then she fastened Cooper to his leash, gathered up his doggy things, and locked the door behind her. She turned to look back at the house again when she reached the sidewalk, still amazed to see that the gold star was really gone. And in that moment, she knew a small crack had opened up in the wall of the shrine that she’d built for Robert—not a huge one, but perhaps it was wide enough for Alan Hamilton to squeeze through.
The boys galloped down the street ahead of Audrey, with Cooper straining on his leash. “Yippee!” Harry cheered. “We got a dog for Christmas!”
Chapter 10
5 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS
“I wonder how long it will take me to get used to having a dog around the house,” Audrey said the next evening after supper. “I’ve tripped over his water dish twice already and had to mop up the mess.” She sat in the living room with Eve after they’d given the boys their baths, browsing through the latest issue of Life magazine. The lights on their Christmas tree made the room feel cozy, even if there weren’t any presents beneath it.
“That reminds me,” Eve said. “Our Christmas tree is going to need watering every day. Cooper keeps sticking his big head under there and slurping it all up.”
“He is a bit too big for our bungalow, isn’t he?” Audrey replied. “Where is he, by the way?”
“In the bedroom with the boys. They’re being suspiciously quiet, don’t you think? And they’re not clamoring to watch television for once.”
Audrey listened for a moment. Hearing nothing, she lifted the magazine to continue reading. She had just turned the page when Harry and Bobby trotted into the living room with smiles on their faces and Cooper at their heels.
“Mummy, can we please have the Wish Book again?” Bobby asked.
“Tell me why, first.”
“Because Santa Claus is going to be at the Christmas party tomorrow, and we need to tell him we changed our minds.”
“It’s a little too late for that,” Eve said. “Christmas is in five days. Santa probably has his sleigh all loaded up and ready to go by now.”
Audrey saw Bobby’s disappointed expression and brushed his damp hair off his forehead. “What did you want to change, love?”
“Well, when we went shopping with Uncle Tom and Mr. Hamilton, we saw that big airplane in the store window again, and we remembered that we really, really wanted it.”
“And it’s not on our list,” Harry added.
“If it’s in the store, why do you need the Wish Book?” Eve asked.
“Because when we see Santa at the party tomorrow, and we tell him we want the airplane, we’ll need to tell him what he can cross off our list.”
Their attitude touched Audrey. What a change from two weeks earlier when they’d first discovered the Wish Book. She rose from her chair and fetched it from where she’d
hidden it in the china cabinet. “Thanks, Mummy!” The boys raced back to their bedroom with Cooper right behind them.
“That dog seems to think he’s their little brother,” Eve said.
Audrey smiled and sank down on the sofa again with a satisfied sigh. “It’s so encouraging to see how much their attitude about asking for toys has changed, isn’t it?”
Eve leaned toward Audrey, speaking softly. “Yes, except that I already bought Harry’s presents. I can’t afford that airplane. Did you see how big it was? It was in the store window with all those shiny aluminum pots and pans and percolators. I’m sure it’s very expensive.”
“I agree. We can’t afford it. Maybe they’ll forget all about it by Christmas.” Yet the thought occurred to Audrey that she could afford it. She’d been reminded of how much money was in her trust fund account when she’d applied for the bank loan. She could afford to buy an airplane for each of the boys. But what would Robert say about such an extravagance? He had wanted to live simply, without relying on his inherited wealth. She pushed away the thought of splurging. “I’m glad the boys mentioned the party at the country club tomorrow. I had forgotten all about it.”
“I’m glad that I have to work tomorrow and can’t go. It’s such a stuffy event with everyone all dressed up—mothers, grandmothers, and the children, too. I have no idea why. How can anyone enjoy a party while wearing clothes that are all stiff and itchy? And you know the boys are going to drip chocolate ice cream all over their Sunday clothes. Why not let them wear corduroys and polo shirts?”
“I think most mothers enjoy dressing up their little girls in ribbons and bows and lace,” Audrey replied. “It’s different with boys, I suppose.”
“Thank heaven I have a boy!” Eve glanced at her, grinning, but Audrey didn’t feel much like smiling. “Uh-oh. You’ve got that worry crease between your eyebrows again. Don’t tell me you’re nervous about tomorrow’s party?”
“Not the party, but I’ve been thinking that I should tell Mrs. Barrett about my date with Alan on Friday night. I’m worried she’ll find out about it some other way—you know how chummy those country-club people are.”
“Some of those women have nothing better to do than spread gossip. And a handsome, eligible bachelor like Alan Hamilton is certainly worthy of gossip.”
“I think Mrs. Barrett should hear the news about Alan from me first. Even though he’s only a friend and it isn’t really a date. But I don’t quite know how to tell her.”
“I don’t think it’s any of her business.”
“Maybe not,” Audrey said with a sigh. “It’s just that Mr. Barrett was upset that I went behind his back to apply for the loan. Neither of them is happy about my nursing career. We may have insulted them further by asking them not to buy so many toys. I just don’t want to do anything else to make them upset with me.”
“You worry too much.”
“What if they think I’m being disloyal to their son by dating someone?”
“Do you feel like you’re being disloyal?”
The question hit Audrey square in her chest. She didn’t want to consider it, much less answer it. Maybe the crack in her shrine wasn’t wide enough for Alan to squeeze through after all. “I feel I should explain to Mrs. Barrett that Alan and I are just friends.”
“Do whatever you think is best, Audrey. But please remember that Robert made a deliberate choice not to live his life according to his parents’ expectations. We’re bound to disappoint people, but we can’t let it influence our decisions. And just so you know, you’re going to disappoint me and probably Bobby, too, if you don’t give Alan Hamilton a chance.”
The Christmas party at the country club turned out to be a happy, festive affair with an enormous Christmas tree festooned with colorful lights and plenty of activities to keep the children entertained. Audrey was glad for the boys’ sakes, and for her mother-in-law’s, that she had come. Bobby and Harry joined in all the games and even managed to win a few prizes. There was a puppet show with marionettes. Clowns doing pranks and magic tricks. A real-live reindeer for the children to pet. And enough cake and ice cream and candy to give the boys tummy aches for a week. A photographer with a Polaroid instant camera took pictures of them as they sat on Santa’s lap to tell him their Christmas wishes. Afterwards, Santa gave each child a puppet from one of the boys’ favorite television shows, Howdy Doody.
Audrey didn’t have a chance to speak privately with Mrs. Barrett until late in the afternoon when they were sitting at their table alone, enjoying tea and coffee. The boys had already finished their cake and ice cream and had run off to watch the clowns perform. Audrey summoned her courage and faced her mother-in-law. “I thought you should know that . . . that I’ve become friends with Alan Hamilton. He’s their Boys’ Club leader at church, and he’s been helping us with some charity projects for Christmas, and . . . well, he has invited me to attend a Christmas party with him tomorrow night for the bank employees, and I agreed to go. I was worried that you might feel it was too soon and—”
“Too soon?” Mrs. Barrett arched her brows in surprise. Her dark eyes were so much like Robert’s, especially when they sparkled with delight.
“Yes. I loved Robert very much—”
Mrs. Barrett’s warm laughter interrupted her. She reached for Audrey’s hand and held it between hers. “My dear, I can only say it’s about time.”
Audrey felt a wave of relief. Did Mrs. Barrett really feel that way? Audrey thought again about the gold star in Mrs. Herder’s window and her words about turning her grief into a shrine.
“There’s no need at all to worry about us, Audrey. We want your happiness—and Bobby’s. Alan is a wonderful young man.”
“You know him, then?”
She laughed again. “Alan’s mother, Priscilla, and I are longtime friends. We’ve often said that if we could wish for a lovely match, it would be for the two of you to find each other.”
“You haven’t been playing matchmaker, have you?” Audrey wasn’t sure if she should be angry or pleased.
“Nothing of the sort. We did nothing to interfere. But Priscilla did telephone me after Alan raved on and on about how strong and independently minded you were. She said it was the first time Alan has shown an interest in any woman since his wife died. And we were very pleased, as well.”
“His wife? I-I didn’t realize Alan had been married.” Why hadn’t he mentioned it? Audrey couldn’t have said why the news had rattled her, but it did.
Mrs. Barrett took a sip of coffee and set down her cup. “It was very tragic. His wife was ill for quite some time and passed away not long after our Robert died. Priscilla and I consoled each other.”
Her words should have relieved Audrey, but they brought a host of new concerns. How could she live up to another wife’s memory? Not to mention all of their parents’ combined expectations. “Listen, I hope you and Mrs. Hamilton won’t pin your hopes too high for Alan and me,” she said. “At least not just yet. It’s much too soon to know if . . . I mean, we hardly know each other.”
“I understand. But if you should decide that you’re fond of each other, you would certainly have our blessing.”
“Thank you. That means so much.” This was happening too fast. Much too fast. Audrey knew she was still keeping her gold star of grief very visible for all to see. She wasn’t ready to put it away as Mrs. Herder had, afraid that all her memories of Robert would begin to fade if she did.
“I hope you enjoy your dinner tomorrow night,” Mrs. Barrett said. “And that for as long as your new friendship with Alan lasts, you’ll both think of it as a special Christmas gift.”
Audrey had given Nana Barrett a ride to the party, and by the time she drove her home and the boys had showered her with kisses and hugs to thank her for the party, the day was fading. Eve was already home from work. “That must have been some party,” she said as they all tumbled inside. “The boys look as if they’re arriving home from war.”
Audrey had to l
augh when she looked at Harry and Bobby with their shirttails out, their clothes wrinkled and smeared with ice cream, their lips and tongues stained purple from grape-flavored candy. Their pockets bulged, and their arms were loaded down with bags of prizes and presents. Cooper danced in happy circles around them as they came inside, his tail sweeping like a pendulum, his pink tongue licking their sticky faces.
“That was the best party ever!” Harry said. He dumped his loot on the kitchen table and ran to Eve, who crouched down for a hug.
“I’m so glad you enjoyed it.”
“Santa gave everybody a puppet for Christmas,” he said. “Bobby got Howdy Doody and I got Clarabell the clown!”
“They’re wound up so tightly I don’t know how we’ll ever get them to settle down,” Audrey said.
“I do,” Eve said. “It’s time to take Cooper for a walk.”
The following evening, Audrey’s nerves were jingling like Christmas bells as she stood in her slip in front of her clothes closet, getting ready for her date with Alan. She turned to Eve, who was sitting on one of their twin beds, watching her get ready. “I never should have agreed to this date. If you called Alan right now and told him I have a stomachache and can’t go with him tonight, it wouldn’t be a lie.”
“I’ll do no such thing. And I won’t even comment on how ridiculous you’re being.” Eve stood and went to the closet. “We need to decide what you’re going to wear.”
“Now that I know the Barretts and Hamiltons are friends, and that they have great hopes for Alan and me, there’s even more pressure weighing on this date.”
“But don’t you see? Alan is probably sensing the same pressure you are. He’ll know exactly how you feel. You’ll have something to laugh about together.”
“I don’t feel much like laughing.”
“Let me pick a dress for you.” Hangers scraped along the clothes bar as Eve riffled through Audrey’s clothes. “Here. I love this dark-blue dress on you. It shows off your tiny waist and makes you look like Grace Kelly.” Eve held it up in front of Audrey. The dress was made of midnight-blue satin and had a modest, square neck and cap sleeves. Audrey would have to wear her crinoline under the full, flared skirt. “With a pair of elbow-length gloves and a string of pearls, it’ll be perfect. What time is Alan coming?”
