Stepping into the loft, she checked on Phillip, grateful that her voice remained calm as she told him, “I am going outside for a moment, love.” He blinked heavily and nodded before cuddling into the blankets and closing his eyes.
With a few quick steps, Tabby strode out of the cottage and towards Joshua.
“Drunk again?” she asked, forcing herself not to shout. She no longer cared if her neighbors heard, but Phillip did not need to know the extent of his father’s depravity. “Your son is sick and you go gallivanting around town? Have you no shame?”
“How is Phillip?” asked Joshua, jumping to his feet.
“Don’t pretend you care. You made it perfectly clear how little he matters to you.”
“Tabby, I am sorry—” he began.
“Don’t you dare, Joshua Russell,” she said with a stomp. “Don’t you dare stand there, telling me you are sorry. You do not know the meaning of that word. You use it over and over again, and it means nothing to you!”
Giving her tongue free rein, Tabby unleashed every heartache and pain she felt, listing all his sins from the first moment they had met until the present, laying it all at his feet without caring one jot about his feelings on the matter. Joshua stood before her, shoulders slumped, as she unburdened her heavy heart.
Tabby swiped at her cheeks, but tears poured down them. “He nearly died, Joshua. Died! All because you were too selfish to do what you were supposed to. If Captain Ashbrook had not arrived, we might be burying Phillip today.”
Joshua sagged, his gaze falling to the ground. “I know,” he whispered, his voice thick. “I am a pathetic husband and father.”
Tabby stared at him as he covered his face, his shoulders shaking.
“I don’t understand what happened,” he said, his voice thick with tears. Swiping his nose on his sleeve, Joshua’s red eyes met hers. “I went to fetch the apothecary. I swear I did, Tabby. And I waited there as I said, but it took so long. I stood there forever, and he never came. The pub was next door, and I went in for a pint. Only one pint. I was so worried about Phillip and needed something to calm my nerves. I don’t understand what happened. It was one pint and then suddenly it wasn’t.”
Joshua’s face crumpled, and he slid to the ground, plopping down to cry in the mud. Staring at the sight, Tabby found herself wondering how she had ever fallen in love with such a man.
“I am useless, Tabby,” he bawled. “I know it. I wanted to do the right thing, and I do not understand what happened. One moment it was a little drink, and the next I was stumbling drunk. And Phillip…poor little Phillip…my son…” His breaths tore up his words, coming out in ragged gasps.
“I do not deserve you, Tabby,” he said, wiping at his eyes. “I know it. The moment I saw Captain Ashbrook come to your aid, I knew it. And then he said…” Joshua gulped, his brow twisting. “It does not matter what he said, but it was all true. I have been an awful husband and father. I do not deserve you and Phillip. I have ruined you both.”
Tabby stared at the sniveling man, and a part of her pitied the pathetic picture he made, but she steeled her heart. Such displays had worked in the past, and Tabby would not allow herself to be taken in by it again. Turning away, she stepped toward the cottage, but Joshua grabbed her skirt.
“Please do not leave me, Tabby,” he begged. “I apologize for everything I have done to you and Phillip. I know I do not deserve a second chance, but please let me try to make it right.”
Tabby yanked her dress free. “This is not your second chance, Joshua. It is not your third or fourth. I have given you so many of them, and you never make it right.”
Joshua climbed to his feet and grabbed her hands. “But if there is a possibility that we can make things better between us, do you truly wish to throw it away without trying?” he asked, his eyes pleading with her. “Ever since you tossed me out, I have been sitting here, hoping to talk to you. Please do not give up on us. I know I have done nothing to earn your trust—”
“You took the money intended to keep Phillip alive and drank it away,” Tabby said, fighting to keep her voice from rising. “I don’t know if there is enough mercy in the world to forgive such selfishness!”
“Please, Tabby,” he begged. “I know I have been a worthless excuse for a man, but you made me a good one once. You can do it again.”
Tabby groaned, pulling her hands out of his grip. “So, it is my responsibility to make you better? I cannot make you anything, Joshua. If you wish to change, you must do so yourself. No one can do it for you.”
His expression crumpled again, and he hung his head. “I know that it is not up to you, and I know I have not done my share, but I know that I cannot do it without you, either. I need you, Tabby. I need your strength and conviction. With you at my side, it feels possible to exorcize these demons from my life,” he said, stepping closer and reaching for her hands once more.
Tabby stared at their entwined fingers, feeling lost and confused. She had heard such words from him before, and every time a part of her hoped that he would mean it—that this time, his desire to change would last.
“I despise the man I have become,” he said, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I have sat here and thought about my life, and there is not a single aspect of it that I like. What sort of man behaves the way I have? What sort of husband forces his wife in such a position? I want to start anew. Begin again. Start over and have a proper family with you and Phillip.”
“Why?” she asked. “What does it matter to you?”
“Because I love you both,” he said, his chin trembling. “I know I have done an awful job of showing it, but I do. I have sat here and thought about everything, and I give you my word of honor that I am going to change. I swear never to touch a drop of alcohol again.”
Tabby stepped away, freeing her hands. “I have heard such things before, Joshua. You beg my forgiveness, promise to stay sober, yet it always ends with you deep in a bottle.”
But Joshua stepped closer, his eyes shining with an earnestness that she had not seen since their courtship.
“I have not been the man you deserve, Tabby,” he said, grabbing for her hands again and clutching them to his chest. “I know that. I wish I could change the past, but all I can do is offer my word—though I know it means little to you—that I shall do better. I cannot begin to tell you how much it hurts me to know that in my family’s darkest moment, it was not I who mended things. I will not allow that to happen again.”
He swallowed, his jaw tensing. “I want us to be a family. A proper family. While you were tending Phillip, I wrote to Cousin Maurice to beg him to take me on as a clerk.”
“A clerk?”
Joshua nodded, his cheeks burning. “He offered me the position shortly after we sold Kelland Hall, and I turned him down, but you have suffered too much because of my pride. I am certain he will accept. We could move to London, start afresh. Things will be perfect again. Like they were when we first married.”
Reaching up, Joshua played with a lock of her hair, reminding Tabby so much of when he was courting her. He wrapped it around his finger, that small smile on his lips, and it was as though the years melted away. The feeling startled Tabby, shaking her to her core. It had been so long since she had allowed herself to hope for such a thing that seeing it standing before her left her breathless. A new beginning.
If it were only empty promises, Tabby would never believe him, but for Joshua to choose of his own volition to relinquish his status as a gentleman—however inapt the descriptor was for his lifestyle—and take on a lowly profession said more to Tabby than his words. For once, Joshua was truly trying because he wished to. More than any other time, this moment held a spark of possibility.
A family.
Tabby searched her heart and found little trust there for the man standing before her, but there was a glimmer of hope. If there were a true chance of recapturing the beauty and splendor that their marriage had once held, perhaps she needed to try. Phillip deserved
a loving family. He deserved to live in a home where his parents loved and cherished each other.
“Can we begin again?” asked Joshua.
Her mouth went dry and her heart fluttered in her chest in a way that was entirely unpleasant. Tabby felt on the edge of a precipice, daring to jump off into the wide unknown on nothing more than the promise of a possibly reformed scoundrel.
But if it worked—if he did get better—Tabby would have everything she had dreamed of for so many years.
Swallowing past the lump, she nodded.
Joshua broke out in a grin. “Truly?”
“Yes,” she squeaked.
With a triumphant shout, Joshua scooped her into his arms and spun her around, crushing her to his chest. When they stopped, his hands came up, framing her face in his strong fingers, and he leaned into her, but Tabby leaned away.
“I am willing to try again, Joshua, but I am not ready for that,” she said.
Joshua nodded, his throat clenching. Loosening his grip, he gave her space, his head lowered. “Of course.”
Carefully, he reached for her hand, raising it to his lips. The look in his eyes begged permission, and she did not stop him as he pressed a kiss to her hand. Stroking the spot with his thumbs, he smiled, his eyes softening. Tabby wished she felt something in return.
Chapter 29
Standing in the doorway to Mina’s sitting room, Graham froze at a sound he had never thought to hear from his sister. A giggle. Mina Ashbrook was not the type of girl to giggle, but it appeared Mina Kingsley was. The sound was so foreign that Graham had not recognized it for what it was until he was at the threshold, and then he was certain that he did not want to go into that room.
And that was when the floorboard beneath him creaked.
“Hello?” she called.
He held still, but then she followed with, “Graham?” And he knew it was best to forge ahead.
“I thought I would come by for a visit,” he said, striding into the room.
Mina’s cheeks flushed red as she straightened, her hands smoothing her skirts and patting at her hair. Beside her, Simon sighed and leaned away from his wife to fold his arms and glower at Graham.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, her eyes avoiding Graham as she grew redder until her face could heat a pot of tea.
Standing before her, Graham looked at her with raised eyebrows. “Would you prefer I leave?”
“Of course not,” she said at the same moment Simon replied, “Yes.”
Mina gave her husband a stern look, though he only replied with a smile that left Graham wishing he hadn’t come to Avebury Park. Flexing his fingers around his cane handle, he cleared his throat, and Mina returned her attention to Graham.
“Of course, we want you to stay,” she said. “I hadn’t expected you to be venturing out at present…”
She turned to Simon, who remained slumped against the couch, his face showing no hint of embarrassment, though a fair touch of frustration. “And certainly not at this exact moment,” he mumbled.
Mina swatted his arm, and Simon sighed and straightened before prompting Graham to sit. Giving a quick kiss on Mina’s cheek, Graham took a seat on the sofa opposite.
“Would you like something to eat? Or a cup of tea?” asked Mina.
“The cakes are especially delicious,” said Simon as he smirked at his wife, drawing another flash of pink across Mina’s cheeks.
“Behave,” she whispered, giving her husband a stern look as she tucked a wayward lock of hair behind her ear.
Graham cleared his throat and tried to loosen the lump that had formed there. “No, thank you. I am not hungry or thirsty at present.” The thought of eating such things brought a putrid turn to his stomach, followed by a stab of pain over his memories of baking with Phillip and Tabby.
Mina’s hands fidgeted in her lap, and Graham watched her squeeze them until her knuckles were white. The silence in the air was of the awkward variety, but he had no idea what to say. Graham had not come to visit for any reason other than to escape the ghosts that haunted Gladwell House. He had no thoughts to offer, as the only things on his mind at present were best left unsaid.
“It is good to see you out and about. I have been worried that…” Mina halted, her gaze slipping to the side.
“I would lock myself away and revert to behaving like a brute?” asked Graham with a dry tone. Mina did not need to know how tempting that course of action had been. And still was. It was a constant struggle to keep himself from climbing into bed and hiding from the world until his body withered as surely as his soul.
Mina’s right shoulder nudged upward in a half-shrug, her eyes dimming. “It is not easy to suffer such a blow, Graham. Losing the one you love can break even the strongest of souls.”
Simon pulled Mina’s arm through his and rested his other hand on it.
The truth of her words weighed heavy on his heart, and Graham felt that darkness stalking him, waiting for him to embrace the hopelessness of his situation. It was so much easier to surrender; the relief it promised to bring was almost too tantalizing, but Graham knew it would cost him dearly.
The first days, Graham had welcomed the despair, embracing it with his whole heart. Alone and mourning, he had locked himself away. But he could not go on like that. As much as he wanted Tabby, he did not want to be that man. The man he had been. Tabby had opened his eyes to the truth of his behavior, and there was no returning to his former ignorance.
“Mina thinks Marguerite is a terrible name for our girl, but I adore it,” blurted Simon, startling Graham out of his thoughts.
And that was when Graham noticed Mina’s brows drawn tight together, her lips more a grimace than a smile. It may be his heart that was broken, but hers ached alongside his.
“I have to agree with Mina,” said Graham, taking the hint in Simon’s eyes. “It is too close to Louisa-Margaretta.”
“Then perhaps we could name her Amelia, after my mother,” Simon said with a face that was too innocent to be anything other than teasing.
“Do not even jest about that, Simon Kingsley,” said Mina, glaring at him. “Though I am warming to Helena.”
“Truly?” said Simon with a smile. “And Frances?”
Mina scrunched her face, shaking her head. “It’s a name that belongs to a dour old governess. Besides, I have told you that he will be a boy.”
They went back and forth with Graham adding the odd comment. His spirits were too low to do much more than feign a smile from time to time. Speaking required too much pretense, but between his acting and Simon’s distractions, they were able to coax Mina from fretting over his broken heart at present. There was nothing to do about the situation, so it did no good for Mina to dwell on it. Graham did enough of that for them both.
But then the door opened.
“Message for you, madam,” said Jennings with a bow.
Mina smiled and motioned for him to bring it, but her expression faltered when she unfolded the paper to see the signature at the bottom.
“It is from Tabby,” she said, and Graham’s breath caught. There had been no word since Dr. Clarke’s visit, and he would not breathe easy until he knew for certain that Phillip was well. Easing forward in his seat, Graham tensed and fought to keep himself from snatching the letter from Mina’s hand, watching as her eyes sped over the words. With each sentence, her face crumpled.
“Is it Phillip?” he asked, unable to wait a moment longer.
Mina’s gaze jerked to his, and she shook her head. “He is awake and on the mend.”
And Graham could breathe again. Leaning into the sofa, he allowed the knowledge to calm his frantic heart.
“They are leaving Bristow,” said Mina. “Her husband has accepted a position in London, and they are moving there as soon as Phillip is well enough to travel.”
“Then that is good news, darling,” said Simon. “He is finally shouldering his responsibility.”
“But I worry about her. That husband of
hers is a lout, and I fear for her and Phillip.” Mina’s voice grew weaker with each word. She stood, and Simon tried to coax her back down, but she shook her head and made excuses about needing a moment alone before slipping out of the room.
Simon slouched onto the couch with a grunt, his head thumping against the seatback. “She has been on edge ever since Tabby told her the truth. I had finally managed to distract her from her fretting when you and that letter arrived. No offense intended, Graham, but you and Mrs. Russell have awful timing.”
“I apologize that our problems have inconvenienced you,” said Graham through gritted teeth.
Simon’s head jerked upright to meet Graham’s gaze. It took only a brief look at Graham’s expression before he sighed. “My apologies. I didn’t mean to be so callous.”
Unable to speak, Graham simply nodded, his thoughts returning to Tabby’s letter.
She and Phillip were leaving. Graham wasn’t certain if he were relieved or devastated at the prospect. Perhaps if he hadn’t met Joshua Russell, Graham would be able to accept it as readily as Simon, but Graham’s heart froze at the thought of her being so far away from any form of support, completely at the mercy of that… Graham could not think of words strong enough to describe such a creature that was more worm than man.
Graham rubbed his thumb along the handle of his cane, his jaw tightening. He wanted nothing but the best for Tabby and her son. If her husband would finally provide that, then Graham would wish them joy, but it was impossible for him to believe Russell would change so completely. And if he regressed, Tabby would be left alone to fend for herself and Phillip. Again.
An image came unbidden into his mind. Tabby and Phillip in their own little home. Graham could do that for them. He had told her husband as much. He could tuck them away someplace where they would be safe and happy.
With him.
As soon as he thought that, a myriad of scenes played out in his mind. Sharing his life with Tabby. She did not deserve to be bound to such a contemptible man as her husband. She deserved to be cherished and loved. Graham could give that to her and so much more. Plenty of others went where their desires drove them, why couldn’t he? Society was filled with those who sought for love and affection outside the bonds of marriage. Could it truly be so bad to entertain such an arrangement for the two of them?
A True Gentleman (Regency Love Book 2) Page 23
