by K. S. Adkins
“The things she had to suffer…it changed her, Rogan. She was hell on wheels as a kid, but she was a good kid – just a sweet daddy's little girl. He wouldn’t have wanted this for her. If she did take those two bastards out, I’m just sorry I wasn’t there to see it. She’s lucky to be alive, but you know what worries me most? It’s that I truly believe she doesn’t care one way or another if she dies doing it. I had no choice but to set tonight up. Venessa and that club are key. She’s smart, she knows I set her up, and she played the game well, gave away nothing, like her dad”
“There’s more,” I say.
“Gallo wants her, and that’s a problem, too. More to the point, he’s a problem. Last I heard, she didn’t date much, if at all, but I don’t want Gallo anywhere near her. She’s ‘live’, so I want to hear exactly what goes down when she gets to that club, and I want to know who she associates with, who her friends are, what her hobbies are, what color her living room is…the works. Until the time is right, you keep to the shadows, let her think we’ve stepped back. Call me in the morning and fill me in,” he says and walks away, looking like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.
I can relate. I should feel guilty that I’m about to steal her privacy, but I’m not. I need to know everything there is to know about Venessa Cross, too. No amount of guilt could stop me.
As I slide into the town car, it was all I could do to not turn around and look back at the Detective. I could feel his eyes on me, and it bothers me that it doesn’t bother me. The same eyes I felt on me the second I was walked into the station. I give men a wide berth, I don’t date, and I certainly don’t have sex. I’m too fucked up. Afraid. I’m not even ashamed to admit it. My short stint the hospital after the attack proved two things, one I wasn’t given any diseases thank fuck and two when and if I decided to ever be intimate with someone he would have to have the patience of a saint and balls of steel. Ten years have passed and though I have urges like any other woman, fear kept me from finding a man and taking that next step. That’s what vibrators are for right? Plus, I need the control. Deep down though, that fear took a back seat tonight and something else took its place…fucking confusion.
That Detective made me feel things I have no business feeling. Vulnerable, desired, and protected. I can’t even reconcile myself to this madness right now, and all over holding onto him like my life depended on it, the fact that it felt right. God, I wanted to crawl onto his lap when the man never even said one word. It was his eyes, though. For a man who doesn’t say much, his eyes say everything his mouth doesn’t. I can tell he’s as fucked up as I am on some level. This man appeals to me on every fucked up level I’ve got.
He’s probably younger than he looks, but at 6’4”, 275 lbs, shaved head, beard, tattoos, built like a tank. He isn’t muscular, he’s one big muscle, and he’s the ultimate alpha male. If I had to guess, I would say he doesn’t smile much, but if he did, I’d throw my panties at his feet and beg for his cock. Which, for me, is fucking scary shit. Being raped changed me, hardened me. Mostly because I didn’t have my mom and dad to help me through it. I’m not against sex or intimacy, I’ve just never found someone I can trust to see me through that, either. Seeing him standing there, then him holding onto me, I saw it in his eyes and I felt it. I could trust him; I could trust everything with him if I wanted to. And, yeah, I wanted to.
Women as a whole would consider him ugly. In fact, I’m certain most would take one look at him and run, but the second he filled that room, he was the only thing I saw and felt. The most brutal thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. I have to be a part of his life, the biggest part. If I didn’t know better, I would swear our breathing was in sync, that’s how I know he’s what I’ve waited for. My mom’s voice drifts through me, and I fight for my breath while unshed tears burn. It was like she just said it yesterday at dinner but like any kid, I didn’t listen, I didn’t get it then.
Before Maddy was born, Mom and I did everything together, and my mom loved to talk about everything, too. She was so sweet and wise, always seeing the good. Every year, we went to the orchard and she asked me to find the biggest, scariest, most out of place pumpkin to buy. I asked her why. She told me because it was the unique ones that made the sweetest pie.
Every year, we went to pick out our Christmas tree, she told me to pick out the saddest, most damaged and loneliest tree to buy. I asked her why. She told me that all trees started out the same. They were each a seed that took root, depending on who cared for them. Some grew to be huge trees that held more ornaments than we would ever have, then were those that hardly grew at all because they were forgotten. It was those trees that needed love. We always picked that tree, we always made it beautiful, and we loved that tree all season. She was right, she was always right. Since I was a kid, I’ve always looked for the pumpkin and the tree in the crowd, and it only took twenty seven years for me to find mine.
That’s him; the detective. At first glance, you would want to forget you’ve seen him, but I can’t do it. He’s my pumpkin, he’s my tree, and thanks to my Mom, I get it now. All my life I looked for one or the other. The pumpkin or the tree but the second he walked into that room I realized he’s both. God’s honest? I never expected to find one let alone both.
I’d like to hold onto my mom’s memory a little longer, think of his big rough hands running circles over mine and have him in my mind when I sleep tonight, along with lyrics running through my head for this occasion, but as soon as that thought creeps in, reality knocks on my door in the form of Anthony Gallo. Getting interrogated twice in one night…a party it does not make, and I still have these tights up my ass. Awesome.
“There you are. I was beginning to worry. Come in and get settled while I get you something to drink. You look tired, baby, I don’t like to see you like this,” he says, like he has any right to say it at all.
“I’m fine. Does Max need me for the final set?” I ask, hoping to escape and lose myself to my music. I need some relief.
“No, he’s going insane with worry for you. The boys are holding it down. We’re going to Max’s office, otherwise the crowd will go nuts when they see you. You caused quite a riot tonight, baby, and the DPD is going to pay for that. Come,” he softly demands, and it’s pissing me off. For better or for worse, the DPD is my family, whether I choose to recognize them publicly or not.
We head back to Max’s office, and though word spreads that I’m back, we’re not bothered by the masses.
“Sit and let me look at you,” he says, and I wonder if I have something on my face.
“Tony, its fine. I’m fine. I’m told it was just a misunderstanding. So why am I here? What’s going on? Where’s Max?” I fire questions at him so I can get the fuck outta here.
“Right here, doll,” he says, hugging me hard. “Fucking DPD. They fucked up tonight, coming in here and messing with you. It won’t happen again,” he growls.
“My hair was found at a crime scene, so they brought me in for questioning, but the men sent here misread the order. When they figured it out, I was free to go, once I caught up with the Captain. So can we please just let this go?” I ask, acting bored, like it didn’t matter that I was covering for the Captain.
“What you don’t understand is that security should have never allowed anyone that close to you. This isn’t the first time someone’s gotten too close, but it is the last. Max and I are going to hire someone to guard you,” Tony decrees.
“Hold up, what do you mean this isn’t the first time? You both knew, and never told me? What the fuck!” I yell.
“Baby, we didn’t want to worry you. You get in a zone up there, and these guys don’t realize that it’s an act, and they think they can get close to you. They think they know you; they think Kharma is real. That kind of behavior escalates. But it will not happen again. We have someone coming in tomorrow, so it’s done, and you can relax,” he says, his word apparently being law. And a part of me hopes the Captain does figure out a way to get the De
tective the job.
“Do I have a say in this?” I ask, suddenly exhausted and thrilled at the same time.
“No,” they reply in unison.
“Fine.” I sigh. “I need to get home and crash…I’m beat. Can the rest wait until tomorrow?”
“Max, I’ll be taking her home. We’ll finish this talk tomorrow.”
“Alright. Lunch tomorrow, Kharma?” Max asks
“Yeah,” I answer. “Girl's gotta eat.” I kiss his cheek goodbye, knowing we’ll never have lunch. I don’t “do” lunch.
“Come on, baby, I need to get you alone for a bit,” Tony says and I kind of snap.
“Tony, stop! I’m not a kid okay? We don’t need to be alone, so spit it out already. What is going on with you?”
“Fine, we can do this here, if that’s what you want.” He grates this at me leaning me into the wall and instantly, I don’t like it. “I’m a man who gets what he wants. What is it that I want? I want you. No, I need you, and believe me I don’t like it. I don’t like needing anyone. Fuck, I burn for you, Venessa. I waited to see if you had interest in someone else but you didn’t. So tonight, when those motherfuckers dared to put their hands on what’s mine, I decided I couldn’t wait for you to come to me. I’m done waiting. Come home with me tonight, baby. I’ll spend the night showing you how much I need you,” he says.
I want to make a run for it. Like, marathon that shit. This is, by far, the most backwards night I’ve ever had. Not thirty minutes ago, I met a man (kind of) that I wanted to lose myself in for the first time in my adult life. Then I come back here to get my car and get this, from probably the most beautiful man walking the planet, but I don’t burn for him in return. I’m on fire for a man I’ve yet to hear speak, and I find myself wondering what my name sounds like coming out of that mouth.
“Shit, Tony, really?” I say waving my hands around. “You’re you and I’m a DJ with issues. You haven’t seen me with anyone, because I don’t date. There’s a good reason for that. I don’t know what to say or do right now, okay? I went from being arrested for suspicion of murder, to getting propositioned to a sleepover, minus the sleeping. This is just too much. And forgive me for saying this, but I don’t feel the sincerity here. This came out of left field for me. You’ve been wonderful to me, but I don’t want to mess up what we have by fucking. I am certainly not dating material. I’m going to drive myself home, and I’ll see you next time you come in,” I say and turn to walk away. I was so proud of how I handled myself and it’s like he didn’t hear a word of it. Typical.
“Baby – okay, fine, Venessa, you don’t believe me –that’s fair. I’ve kept this under wraps for a long time. Let me prove it to you. Just have dinner with me. Come to my home, and let me spoil you. Let me show you who I am when I’m not doing business. Show you how a man, one who deserves you, should treat you. Let me be that man for you,” he begs. When he says this, a giant of a man with soulful eyes, and giant but gentle hands, come to mind, not the man in front of me.
“Please accept my apology when I say that I can’t be that girl for you, and I’m sorry,” I say, trying to slip away. But he doesn’t make it easy.
“Please accept my apology, when I say that I will enjoy every second of changing your mind.”
I’m trying to leave nicely, but if he kisses me, I’ll probably stab him.
“Let me kiss you,” he demands, leaning into me.
“I don’t like to be touched, Tony. Come on, this isn’t news to you,” I say, pulling back.
“Kissing and touching aren’t the same. Allow me to show you the difference,” he tries to persuade me.
“No, Tony. Sorry, but I have to go,” I say, and I’m ready to run.
I didn’t run fast enough, because when I heard, “Not tonight, then, but soon” my knees almost buckled. The thought of intimacy may scare me, but when I think of kissing the detective I don’t feel fear. Fuck, I don’t know what I feel.
“Kissing and touching aren’t the same, allow me to show you the difference.” That piece of fuck! Since I started listening to this conversation, I’ve busted all my lamps. Which isn’t too bad, given that I only have one. Although, if I had more than one, I’m sure they’d be on the floor, too. That motherfucker ain’t going to give up. She could have waved a god damned white flag, or announced she has the herp, and he wouldn’t have listened. I have a meeting with him tomorrow, and it’s going to be impossible for me to keep myself in check, knowing this prick wants what I want. And there is no doubt about what I want. I want her.
I know she doesn’t like to be touched in general, but she let me touch her. Actually, she held onto me at the station, but I consider that the same thing. She looked as shocked as I was. I’ve never had anyone (minus Rafe) look me in the eyes, let alone touch me willingly. I’m thirty years old, and for the first time in my life, I want a woman of my own. I’ll be damned if some would-be criminal is going to take me out of the race before I get the chance to compete.
I can hear her singing on her drive home. I admit, she’s no Kelly Clarkson (so what, I like American Idol), but she can sing. Her voice has darkness to it; it’s deep and angry, but still soft. I start to imagine that there’s nothing about this female that I won’t like. Her file says she lives in the Brooklyn Lofts, which is on Brooklyn and Kaline. It’s where the artists live and blend, and it’s a tight group up there.
Skimming the file again, I see she has no credit cards or bad habits on record. Pays cash for everything. I guess the Captain really did try to keep tabs on her, up until about four years ago. In school she was an A/B student, plays guitar and drums, and was one hell of an athlete. At one point, she even wanted to follow in her dad’s footsteps. She knows several forms of martial arts, and has a lot of weapons training. Despite my earlier assessment, with her knowledge and training, she is a formidable opponent. Also, take into account she has access to a very powerful sedative, and she truly is a rogue; a law unto herself.
After she moved out of the Captain’s house, she virtually disappeared. That is, until now. She’s been under our noses all this time, and no one knew what she was doing in Detroit after hours. For someone who spends his time in the shadows, that’s fucking impressive.
I can tell she’s made it home safely when I hear her enter her place. It sounds like she’s turned on more music. It’s not familiar to me, which isn’t a surprise, but what does surprise me is that I know I probably should stop listening and give her some privacy, but knowing that I won’t.
Utterly exhausted and needing to crash, I can’t get tonight’s events out of my head. Arrested. Tony. The Detective. Set up. A partnership. A decision. Ugh! I mean, really, what would you do in my heels? I need to talk to Macy. So once I’ve taken my clothes off, I climb into bed and hit the speaker, making the call.
“Everything okay, Venessa?” God bless her, just like that, I can breathe again.
“Tonight was a hot mess, Macy. You got a minute so I can vent?”
“Yep, hit me,” she says. “I’m taking a break.”
“I’m going to sum it up. I was arrested at the club for suspicion of murder, but not charged. Turns out it was set up to get me to the station. Clever, but still. The Cap basically offered me a deal to help out DPD, in return for my continued efforts, without the risk of jail time. At least, I took it that way. A green light, I guess? Anyway, Tony decided we should hook up out of the blue, and that’s not even the most bizarre thing that happened tonight.” Impressed I did that in one breath, I continue, “I met someone tonight Macy.” There, I said it.
“Ho-kay, so let’s start from the end, because the Cap doesn’t surprise me. He loves you. You knew it was a matter of time, didn’t you? Tony does surprise me, and though I think he’d cut his own cock off before hurting you, I can’t say I like it. What I want to know about is the mystery man, so spill it.” She laughs, and I’m reminded of why I love her so much.
“The Cap just finished railroading me and in walks in one of the bigg
est, scariest guy I’ve ever seen, right? Only he’s not scary to me. I wanted to jump in his lap, Macy. God, I couldn’t stop staring at him. It was like I was frozen. And it’s fucked up, because when the Cap dropped the bomb that he wanted us to partner up, he held my hand, and I didn’t want him to let go, like ever. But I introduced myself, and the whole time I was there he didn’t say a word. He just stood there, staring at me with this mean look on his face. He still held my hand, but he never spoke. I’m so messed up about this. I let him touch me, and I liked it! What does that even mean, Macy?” I ask, close to hysterics.
“It means you’re human, and that it’s okay to need people. This guy must do it for you on some level, and you’re reacting to it. Would it be so bad to try?”
I know that she’s right, but I’m still scared. Terrified, really.
“Tell me what you noticed first,” she says.
“You mean after he came in and sucked all of the air out of the room? Because I wasn’t noticing much after that.”
“Yes, after that, what was the first thing you noticed about him?”
I immediately answer. There is no question. “His eyes.”
“What about his eyes?”
“His eyes say all of the things he doesn’t. There’s more to him than being a hard ass. He’s the job, anyone can see that, but there’s more, and that’s what I see. I wanna see me there, Macy. He’s home for me, I know it, and that’s dangerous.”
“Bullshit,” she retorts. “That’s chemistry. I’ve never reacted to anyone that way in my life. You need to see him again. How do we make that happen?”
“Cap wants him to go undercover at the club and be my bodyguard, in return for information regarding a big case they’re working on. The universe is messing with me, because Tony and Max want the same thing, so at this point it’s just a matter of if they hire him or not.; which I have no doubt they will. The Cap put this into motion, and when I’m thinking straight I need to give it more thought. But on the bright side, no one would dare come near me with him close by.”
