by Sierra Rose
I swallowed hard, trying to think of some sort of feasible answer. “Uh...well, I watched one of those corny romance movies last night. I was just wondering if that stuff really happens.”
“What movie?” she pushed.
Damn it. Quit complicating my lies and butt out! “Um...Serendipity.”
“With John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale?”
“Yeah, that was the one.”
“Personally, I only believe in the laws of attraction, something a little more solid.”
“You really don’t believe in this romantic stuff?”
“Nah. That only happens in movies. Fairytale endings are called that for a reason. They just aren’t realistic. Hell, girl, I’m living proof. I’m thirty-one, and I’ve been down the aisle three times and to divorce court twice.” She sighed. “Why? You don’t believe in that mushy-gushy kind of stuff, do you?”
The handsome stranger’s face flashed across my mind. “I didn’t...until today.”
“Ah. So that movie got to you last night, huh?”
“Something like that.”
Chapter 2
My sister had asked me to meet her for lunch between classes, and I was glad that the sun had decided to join us. I spotted her on the lawn, and she waved me over. “Hey,” I said. “Love your outfit. You’re always so hip and stylish.”
“You could be, too, you know,” Alexis insisted. “Just because you’re married, that doesn’t mean you have to dress like a grandma.”
“I don’t!” I argued. “But I also can’t come to work in skinny jeans and low scoop-necks—not to mention I’m a mother and the wife of a respected professor. How would it look if I crawled out of that minivan in fuck-me heels and a sequined crop-top?”
“You look twenty but act ninety.”
“Not today.”
“Why? What do you mean?”
“I’m acting sixteen today, cutting class after work.”
“You, skipping class? Aren’t you supposed to be the responsible sister?”
“I’m having a sort of...well, uh...a midlife crisis, I guess you could call it.”
“At twenty-three? Gosh, sis. I know you don’t like to be late for anything, but that’s early even for you.”
“I don’t know, but something’s going on.”
She shot me a concerned look. “Like what? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m fine now. I guess I was having a pity party, like Erin.”
“She just whines because she can’t find a boyfriend. You don’t need one of those. Yours already put a ring on it.”
“I might be married, but I feel as lonely as she does. I know her pain firsthand.”
“There’s only one thing worse than a miserable, lonely single woman,” she said.
“And what’s that?” I asked.
“A miserable, lonely married woman.”
“I know. Relationships are so...unpredictable. One day, you’re standing on the bough of the Titanic with your arms out, lost in love and screaming about being queen of the world, and in the next, the damn ship is sinking.”
A memory flashed through my head, a vision of our wedding day. I remembered the romance of it, staring into my lover’s eyes and reciting those all-powerful vows. Back then, I thought nothing could stop us, that Tom and I would be happy together forever. Now, I had to wonder if all of it was just a lie, some cruel joke to make me waste the best years of my life.
“I’m just so lonely and miserable,” I admitted to my sister with a sigh. “Where’s the passion? I thought Tom was going to be my Christian Grey, and he’s turned out to be nothing of the sort.”
“Who doesn’t want a Fifty Shades affair? Damn, we’d all love to be wanted that bad, but finding Mr. Grey in real life is the tricky part.”
“I know. I thought...well, I just want Tom to say, ‘I desire you more than any other woman. You’re always on my mind, and I can’t stop thinking about you. I wanna make love to you all night, even if we don’t get a wink of sleep.’ I know we both have to be at work and have to get the kids off to school, but I want him to want me so much that he doesn’t care. I want him to want to hold me close, to love me the way I deserve to be loved.”
She smiled. “You’re such a romantic.”
“I sure don’t feel very romantic. I’m just...lonely, unwanted, unsatisfied, rejected, unloved, and empty. I just want to be wanted, need to be needed, desire to be desired. Is that so wrong?”
“Cheap Trick.”
“Hey!”
“The band, dummy.”
“Oh, yeah. Which song?”
“I’m not sure, but you know that line, ‘I want you to want me. I need you to need me...’”
“They so nailed it!” I sighed. “Gosh, I think I’m turning into a virgin again.”
“Right. I’ve seen your twins. Your cherry is long gone, sister!”
I laughed.
“Look, if things are that bad between you and Tom, why do you even stay with him?” Alexis asked. “There’s no lost dignity in starting fresh when you need to.”
I wrung my hands. “I just can’t do it.”
“Change is good sometimes, sis, unless you are a werewolf. In that case, they can be quite annoying and time consuming, and they’d make you a bit...socially awkward. And think of all the dead livestock...and waking up in zoos. No, being a werewolf would suck. I mean, think of all the clothes you’d waste ripping through it every full moon. Just from a monetary point of view, that would be a nightmare. Then, of course, they'd eventually trace the local human mutilations back to you with DNA, and just try pulling that but-I’m-an-undead-mythical-creature defense in court. The whole thing would be madness.”
I had to smile and shake my head. “You always know how to make me laugh,” I said, “and you need to stop reading so many crazy books.”
“Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes changes can be good, as long as you’re changing for the right reasons.”
As much sense as she made, it was easier for me to hold on to what I knew rather than cut myself off from my comfort zone. “It just isn’t fair, I said. I never asked to be in a sexual famine.”
“I know, but that’s the thing. Seasons change, tides change, and relationships change. People change, too, and we have to learn how to hold our breath when that wave hit us. If you wanna stay with Tom, it’s gonna be all about perseverance. You’ve been holding your breath for a long time now. It’s time to come up for air and swim to shore. I promise that you can sail through the changing ocean tides, whatever you decide to do.”
“If I divorce him, it will leave...casualties. My kids need and deserve stability and security, and it’s my job to give that to them because I am their mother and love them with all my heart. I tried to leave before, and it just about destroyed them.”
“You only left for a few months and then walked right back into to the same sad situation.”
“Living with Mom and Dad was hard. My kids weren’t happy. Anna was getting bad grades, and Emma cried every day. What was I supposed to do? My heart was aching. Besides, I made a commitment to that man, and I wanted to honor my vows. Even still, I now debate every day whether I should stay or go. I guess my inner voice or whatever always tells me to leave, but I also always find reasons why I should stay.
“What about your happiness?” Alexis asked.
“I just want my kids to be have a normal childhood, with a loving mom and dad. Do you know the havoc divorce wreaks on the family?”
“So you’ll just stick it out and live in misery for their sake?” she asked.
My gaze narrowed. “Of course. They’re my kids, and I have to put their needs before mine.”
“Look, sis, you and I both know there’s no way to resuscitate your flat-lined marriage. I thought you were gonna end this a long time ago. From what you’re telling me now, it’s already over. Sounds to me like you’re just beating a dead horse.”
“Pssh. I haven’t come close to beating a
ny horse in a long time,” I said with a smirk, again employing my excellent double-entendre skills.
“Ew. Stop,” my sister said, spitting out a bit of her Vitamin Water.
I swallowed hard, unable to even laugh at my own joke. “Ending my marriage would be one of the most heartbreaking decisions of my life. I have a moral and ethical obligation to put the needs of my children over my own. I-I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it. How can I bear to put my family through pain when I love them so much?”
“Love? Morgan, there’s no love in that unhealthy, unfulfilling marriage. Yeah, Tom’s a great friend and provider, but that’s it. You need a lover, not a sweet friend and roommate who helps you raise the kids. The kids will bounce back. They’re resilient that way. Also, Anna and Emma aren’t stupid. No matter how young they are, you can’t fool them into believing you and their daddy are happy with each other, even if you don’t fight in front of them. It isn’t good for the kids to be caught in the middle, and they can sense that sort of thing.”
I pondered her words for a moment, wondering once again where Tom and I had gone wrong. The feelings we’d once shared had died a long time ago, and we really were nothing more than roommates raising two children together.
“Dr. Phil says sexless marriages are an undeniable epidemic,” she said.
I put up my hand. “Please, Alexis. Don’t go throwing Dr. Phil on me. Truth be told, I’d put more stock in Jerry Springer.”
“Hmm. Well, maybe that’s not a bad idea either. Why don’t you take Tom’s frigid ass on that show and throw a chair at him. Maybe you’ll find out he’s been having an affair with a Jell-O-wrestling stripper or something.”
As hilarious as my sister’s sense of humor was, I still couldn’t laugh.
“Seriously, Morgan, sex isn’t supposed to end at ‘I do.’”
“I’m well aware of that. Tom is a friend without benefits.”
“Maybe you need to talk to him again.”
“We’ve been to counseling. He’s just not that into me anymore. He says he just has no sexual attraction to me, and he can’t force it. I asked him if he could just hold me or hold my hand or show me some attention in other ways besides sex, but he refuses. He wouldn’t come near me with a ten-foot pole.”
“Wow. If he’s got a ten-foot pole, I understand why you miss it so much,” she joked.
This time, I had to crack a smile, especially because a strange flash of the mailman wafted through my head. “Very funny. Anyway, some people would tell me to stick it out because he’s my husband. I can live without sex if I have to, but he doesn’t even give me any other kind of affection. We just have no emotional connection, no intimacy. He doesn’t treat me like a wife. I’m nothing but a buddy and roommate.”
“You know what question you should be asking yourself?” she asked.
I lifted a brow. “What?”
“Would you ask your children to sacrifice their happiness so you can be happy?”
“No. I’d never expect them to do that.”
“Well? See? How are you supposed to survive in an emotional freezer, sis? Your marriage is on life support, and lack of love is just as horrible as lack of food. You said yourself that the man isn’t giving you anything but a paycheck, that he’s just a sperm donor-turned-roomie. So tell me again why you’re staying in this marriage.”
I bit my lip hard. “Because I said, ‘For better or for worse.’”
“Well, does worse include purposefully depriving you of deserved love and affection? Just pull the plug on this thing and be done with it. If it’s as bad as you’re telling me, this thing is never gonna come out of its coma.”
I let out a long breath. “It’s not as easy as you make it sound. Divorce has a high price tag.”
“You want me to think you’re courageous for sticking it out, but you’re really just being a coward.”
“I will leave...when they graduate.”
“What? Anna and Emma are still little. By the time they turn their tassels, you’ll have gone through a decade-long dry spell. Plus, it’ll take a good year to find somebody again, and you’ll be well into your thirties. How can you go that long without any love, sex, kisses, hugs or affection? Are you telling me you’d deprive yourself of that just so your kids can be happy? Please tell me how that’s fair to you.”
I felt completely alone and wished I had somebody in my life to fill the emptiness consuming me. I was dying from lack of affection, feeling like a prisoner, caught in the snare of a vow my husband hadn’t kept. I wanted to feel loved and cherished, but Tom had abandoned me long ago. I felt paralyzed and numb, but I knew I had to make a decision to do something about it, because I couldn’t live my life that way. My husband had once laughed with me, fallen asleep with me in his strong arms, but all of that was just a memory now, like some cruel reminder of a love I’d never have again—at least not with him.
We didn’t fight or throw harsh words or things at each other. As a matter of fact, we were quite civil to each other and were wonderful friends. I talked to Tom about my job and so many other things, and he really did try to listen. He was also caring and understanding and a great father to my kids. He worked hard to support our family, wasn’t abusive, didn’t cheat on me, and didn’t drink or do drugs. All of that only made my dilemma far more tragic.
I felt guilty and trapped for wanting a different life. Should a woman stay in a loveless marriage with a nice guy for the sake of her kids? I knew I needed to be true to myself, or I would never truly be happy. A tiny voice inside me cried out, telling me that settling shouldn’t be an option. If I chose to leave, I would need dozens of boxes of Kleenex, but marriage was a two-way street, and deep down, I knew I would never be able to make it work by myself.
“I met this hot guy in the rain,” I said, changing the subject.
“Wait. You met somebody?” she said. “Who? I know everyone here.”
“The delivery guy.”
“You’ve got the hots for a pizza guy? Is it Marco, because I’d totally let him put his pepperoni on my deep dish.”
“Ew! Stop!” I said, this time spitting out some of my drink. “And no, it wasn’t the pizza guy. Besides, aren’t they always about thirty minutes or less? After Tom turning me into a freaking nun, I need longer than half an hour. It’s the mailman, the guy who drops off packages at the university.”
“Wow. He musta made some impression on you.” She grinned and softly nudged me. “What will Tom say?”
I couldn’t help but grin when I thought of him. “I felt like we had this amazing connection. We just stared at each other, standing there in the rain. It was weird, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Do you think it’s possible to bump into your soulmate too late? I mean, can Mr. Right show up at the wrong time?”
She cocked her head. “I guess, if you believe in that kind of stuff.”
“I didn’t...until I saw him.”
“You don’t even know if he’s single.”
“But the way he looked at me... It was like we both just know. I swear, my soul went through some sort of epiphany, a profound awakening. There was this undeniable, intense attraction.”
“Maybe your soul knows it’s the exact right time, time for a change. He’s got a hot bod’, I take it.”
“Oh, yeah! He must work out at the gym every day.”
“Well, there ya go. Forget the soulmate stuff. You’re crawling through the desert, and boom! An oasis of manliness.”
“No, I think there’s more to it than that. I mean, I even fantasized about him, overcome with this deep urge to fuck him senseless. That’s not really like me. I mean, I saw him before a few times and thought he was super-hot, but I never let it affect me until that day. Oh my gosh. What kind of wife does that make me?”
“A horny one. If you’re not getting any, it’s gotta be some kind of torture working around all these college guys.”
My jaw set into a grimace. “Well, my recent bout of celibacy is entirely in
voluntarily celibacy.”
“It’s not healthy to be stuck in a sexual desert.”
“Well, it’s not healthy to cheat either,” I said.
Leaning back against the bench, she peered at me intently. “I’m not telling you to go out and have an affair. I’m just saying you need to put an end to that so-called marriage and move on.”
My stomach clenched at the thought of actually divorcing Tom. “I’ve tried to fix things, but I’m just not desirable in his eyes anymore, and that hurts more than anything.”
“Things will sort themselves out, sis.”
“I hope so. I’m going to try to seduce him when we go on our little mini-vacation.”
She shrugged. “If you think that will help, give it a try. Tom’s a great guy, and I do love him. I just hate that he makes you feel this way. It just isn’t normal. You’re a beautiful girl, and your sister shouldn’t be the only one telling you that.”
“I know. I’ll give it this one last shot, but if this doesn’t work... I’m about to my breaking point.”
“I know it sounds like I’m rooting for you to get a divorce, but I’m not. You know I only want the best for you. If there’s a chance you can fix this, try. You can’t throw a good thing away over a bump in the road. On the other hand, I don’t like what he’s doing to you. If he won’t shape up, you need to kick his butt to the curb.”
“I know, sis.”
Her gaze narrowed. “Morgan, you have a decision to make. Do you wanna continue living your life like this, or are you ready to make a change?”
“Neither,” I said, “but marriage is a promise for life, and I have to try to make good on that promise, or I won’t be able to live with myself.” I let out a long breath. “Enough of me, how are you and Art doing?”
“We’re doing great.”
“You guys see each other all the time and you work with one another.”
“Yeah, we can’t get enough of each other.”
“I’m glad you and Art worked out.”
She smiled. “Me too. I just can’t believe he’s all mine.”
“Well, you deserve to be happy.”
