by Sierra Rose
He touched my shoulders. “Morgan, I swear there’s no other woman in my life but you.”
A tear slipped down my face. “Do you have any idea how much my heart is breaking? The pain is so great that I feel like giving up altogether.”
He touched my cheek. “I’m hurting too.”
“This cuts me so deep, right to my soul, and I mean that. It hurts so much that I can barely breathe.”
“Then let me take it away,” he whispered.
I looked up into his eyes, and more tears dripped down my face. “Just answer one question.”
Tom met my gaze and wiped a tear from my cheek. “Anything.”
“Do you find me attractive anymore? Do you think I’m still...sexy?”
He blinked. “You know how beautiful you are.”
I gripped his hands. “Tom, do you really, really love me?”
He blinked as if searching for the perfect answer. “Well, see, passion is—”
“Give me the Cliff’s Notes, Professor. It’s a simple question. A simple yes or no will suffice. Do you love me?”
“Yes. Of course I do.”
“I-I don’t mean as a friend,” I said between sobs. “Do you love me in a romantic way? And please answer honestly.”
He swallowed hard. “I guess maybe not in the way you want me to, but like you said, we’re best friends. You know how much I love you and care about you, and—”
“And what, Tom? And we’re supposed to stay in a lie of a marriage that is really just a disguise for some plutonic friendship? Anyway, that’s all I need to know.” I had known it all along, of course, but hearing him say it outloud was a huge blow. “I’m going,” I said.
He kissed me on the head. “I’m so sorry.”
“If you don’t love me like that, why did you want me to stay?”
“Like you said, I hate change. I’m comfortable like this. Also, I sure as hell don’t want to lose my best friend.”
“But that’s all we are.”
“Yes,” he softly said. “I guess I didn’t really wanna admit that, but it’s true.”
“We had our share of wedded bliss, I guess, but it was all an illusion, and now it’s gone. Goodbye, Tom.” I couldn’t stand there and look at him for another minute, so I bolted out of the house and ran straight to my sister’s house.
Chapter 10
Even though I knew I’d never go back to Tom and that our marriage had died years ago, my heart still ached. I wasn’t sure why I’d even fought so hard, for so long, because my love for him had faded too. I just wanted to be able to tell my children that I had given it my all, which I had. Telling Tom how I truly felt was the hardest part, because I had once loved and adored him. We had shared so much together, and leaving him was like losing a friend I saw every single day.
When I got back to Alexis’s house, I thanked Juliet for watching the kids. She offered to stick around, but I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t have the heart to tell my children the harsh truth, not yet.
After they went to bed, Alexis came home, and we shared a few beers on the back porch.
“Well? How’d it go?” Alexis asked.
“It was...painful.”
She hugged me. “I’m so sorry.”
“It was also kind of liberating to finally let go of him. I’m just gonna dust myself off and move on. I have to.”
“I admire you, sis. That took guts, and you’re so damn strong.”
“I just hope I did the right thing,” I said, sipping my beer.
“You’ve gone long enough without passion, without sex. When months become years, it’s a huge red flag.”
“I know. You’re right. A sexless marriage is doomed to frustration, loneliness, heartache, and misery, and I’m just not ready to give up that part of my life.”
“I even Googled it.”
“You did?”
“Yep. Newsweek estimates that 15 to 20 percent of couples are stuck in that kind of hell, so at least you weren’t alone. Even old people love sex. I’m sure I’ll still be jumping my man’s bones when we’re old and wrinkled.”
“Don’t jump too hard. Bones get pretty brittle at that age.”
We both laughed.
Alexis grabbed a notebook and said, “Well, spill it.”
“What?” I asked, confused.
“Give me the list, everything you want in your next relationship. I read this online. It will help you heal and will give you a roadmap for rebuilding your life. So, what do you want most in your next boyfriend?”
“I just want somebody to love me, somebody to hold me, somebody who wants to be with me for me. I don’t care what he looks like. I married a gorgeous man, and that got me nowhere.”
“Well, whoever you date, he’s gonna be a lucky guy.”
“Think I have too much baggage?”
“Who doesn’t? Hell, we oughtta all buy stock in Samsonite. If he loves you for you, he won’t care about a few extra suitcases.”
I smiled. “You’ve always been there for me, sis.”
“Yeah? Well, who stayed up all night and helped me polish off a gallon of chocolate ice cream when Timmy dumped me?”
I raised my hand. “Guilty, as charged.”
“We’ve got each other’s backs,” she said. “That’s what sisters are for.”
I held up my hand, and we wrapped our pinkies together in the same swear we used to make as children.
“I’m gonna call Forrest and cancel our date. I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him, but I guess he sorta swept me off my feet in a very vulnerable moment.”
“Honey, any attention to a guy is gonna bring you to your knees for a while. Heck, it’s a good thing Harvey didn’t lick you too much, or you might’ve gone out with him.”
I laughed. “You’re right, but I still need to cancel. Forrest seems like a nice enough guy, but I need to get my life straightened out before I jump into a relationship.”
“Girlfriend, it’s one date, not a relationship. You’re going out to dinner or a movie, not picking out china. What’s wrong with a little companionship?”
“It’s too soon. Tom and I just broke up.”
“I don’t think there’s such thing as too soon. Besides, you’ve been over Tom for years. It’s not like you’re just on the rebound.”
I stared off into the distance. “I’m sure this hot guy’s after a fling.”
“So? What’s wrong with that? You deserve to get laid.”
“I really could stand to get a little somethin’-somethin’. I swear, I think it’s been years.”
“That’s a long, dry spell in the bedroom,” she said.
“Yeah, my sex life is on a downhill slide.”
She cocked a brow. “What sex life?”
“You’re right. It’s just...nonexistent. You think I’ll ever be able to get back on the horse again?”
“C’mon! It’ not rocket science, Morgan. It’s like riding a bicycle. You never really forget.”
“I can’t just go out and have a steamy affair.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a mother now, and I have to think of my kids first. It’s irresponsible to think about stuff like that.”
“Nonsense,” she said, shaking her head. “You can date responsibly. Nobody said you have to go out and do every guy in town. Although, I don’t think anyone would blame you after such a long dry spell.”
I nudged her in the ribs, and she laughed. “I just...well, I guess I feel like I’m stuck. I’ve got cold feet, yet I’m longing for warmth. Just thinking about Forrest gives me the jitters. I don’t think I can handle someone like him.”
“Maybe you need to test-drive a starter car before you take off in the Ferrari.”
I laughed again. “You and your crazy analogies. But anyway, yeah, I’m afraid I’d crash a fine sports car like that.”
“Listen to you.”
“Remember when we went on that no-carb diet, avoiding bread for months?”
�
�Yeah, and then we were confronted by the almighty pepperoni pizza. I swear, we musta devoured the whole thing in ten minutes. Pizza had never tasted so good.”
“Well, once I have a hot, passionate night of pure lovemaking, I’m sure I’ll appreciate it more than I ever thought possible.”
“Exactly! I say it’s about time you go for the deep-dish, stuffed crust and all.”
I smiled and gave her a fist-bump. “I just have to wait for that special guy to come along. I’ve waited this long, so I don’t see why it would hurt to wait a little longer. Besides, I should probably be divorced before I officially date anybody.”
Alexis smiled. “Maybe...or maybe not.”
Chapter 11
I dialed Forrest’s phone number, and he picked up on the first ring.
“Hi, Megan,” he happily said.
“Hey, Forrest. What’s up?”
“It’s Foster.”
“Foster? I, uh...I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. I have sloppy handwriting.”
“Great, so we have at least one thing in common.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. You misread my name as well.”
“I did?”
“My name is Morgan, Morgan Tyler.”
“Oh. I’m such an idiot,” he said. “Why didn’t you correct me the other day?”
“Because...well, it really was no big deal.”
“Anyway, I’m glad you called.”
“I’m afraid I have bad news. I’m not gonna be able to go out with you on Wednesday. It’s just... I know it’s so cliché to say that it’s not you and it’s me, but I really am going through a rough patch right now, and it wouldn’t be fair to you to lead you on.”
“It’s strictly as friends, right? And if you’ve got some things going on...well, I’m a great listener.”
“Listen, I’ve got twin girls also,” I said, just putting it out there.
“Really? Well, that’s something else we have in common. I’ve got two girls myself. Shelia is seven, and Becky is eight.”
“Wow! My girls are around the same age.”
We made more small talk for a while, and I was amazed how much we really did have in common and at how easily he made me laugh.
Finally, I said, “Let’s make a date in the future, when things calm down here.”
“Sure. I’d love that,” he said, sounding disappointed and hopeful at the same time.
***
The next morning, I dropped the kids off at school, then went to work. I settled down in my desk chair and began to tackle the Leaning Tower of Pisa that was my in-box.
Suddenly, rescuing me from a horribly messy spreadsheet, a familiar voice called my name.
I looked up to see my mailman, waiting for me to sign for a handful of packages. My heart raced as I met his gaze. “Hi, Foster,” I said.
“Hey, Morgan,” he answered, shooting me his perfect, gleaming grin. “I’m glad we finally know our real names.”
I laughed, but he stared so deeply into my eyes that I soon had to look away. My stomach fluttered, and I couldn’t believe I was reacting like some silly schoolgirl with a crush. I was surrounded by college guys constantly, but not one of them had ever shot me with electricity the way this guy did every time I saw him or even heard his voice. He was, most definitely, a Ferrari among Volkswagens. I couldn’t deny how ridiculously handsome he looked. Am I crazy to blow off somebody this hot? I wondered, then wished I hadn’t thought of blowing at all.
I quickly reached for the packages, anxious to free myself from the tractor beam of his piercing blue eyes. I wasn’t sure I had the wherewithal to turn him down in person, especially not when he was looking at me like that. When his eyes locked on mine, there was an explosive spark between us, one neither of us could deny.
Finally, when my boss walked over to my desk, I fumbled to sign my name.
“Thanks,” Foster said. “Have a great day.”
I smiled as he walked off.
Chapter 12
When I went to my mother’s house to break the news about my doomed marriage, she was devastated and didn’t take it well at all. She rubbed my back to reassure me everything was going to be okay, but I couldn’t make the promises she wanted to hear, and that tore my heart in two; I hated the feeling of letting her down.
“I can’t believe you’d ever think of breaking up your beautiful family,” she said.
“I’m so lonely, Mom. There is not one sign of love, physical or emotional. He won’t touch me. I’m frustrated, hurt, rejected, and humiliated, completely devastated by his lack of interest.” I blew out a breath. “I’m sorry, but I can’t live like this anymore. This partnership, or whatever it is, is over. I’m not even sure what to call it. I know it will be hard to be on my own, but that’s going to be better than the misery I’ve been feeling for so long. Our love is stalled, and it’s going nowhere.”
“Morgan, it’s childish to break up a marriage and a happy home just because things have cooled down in the bedroom,” she admonished.
“But that’s just it, Mom. It’s not a happy home at all. You can’t even begin to understand the frustration, shame, and hurt I’ve been going through. I’m depressed. I have panic attacks, and I won’t even start on the self-loathing.”
“I think you just need to pay that counselor another visit.”
“No more therapy, Mom. It’s too late, and it won’t do any good. It’s just...over. I’ve tried, and nothing works. Tom basically admitted the same thing. Do you know how it makes me feel to know that the man I promised my life to doesn’t want to make love to me?”
“You have to hang in there. Marriage can be a tough road, honey, and all of them go through potholes now and then.”
“This isn’t a pothole, Mom. It’s the Grand Canyon, and there’s no coming back on the other side. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I’ve never felt so neglected in all my life, and it’s slowly killing me, turning me into someone I’m not. Do you expect me to live in some lie, some false fairytale, drowning in unhappiness? Is that what you want me to do?”
“Marriage isn’t just about sex, Morgan. It’s about trust, friendship, faithfulness, forgiveness, and sticking it out through thick and thin, through all the hard times, till death do you part.”
“I know all that, but Tom has already checked out. He’s left the building.”
“Sex is not a requirement for relationship satisfaction.”
“I know! Geesh, Mom. I’m not that shallow.”
“It is only one form of intimacy,” she droned on, speaking the obvious. “It’s the heart that needs love.”
“Exactly, and he shows me none of that. There is no other form of intimacy between us either. We’re just friends and nothing more. I miss hugging, kissing, and falling asleep in each other’s arms. I miss that spark, our bond, our connection.”
“So, are you saying that if everything else was fantastic and he held you and spent time with you and loved you, but there was still no sex—”
“Yes. That’s what I’m saying, Mom. I could be happy with Tom if he tried to connect with me in some way, but he doesn’t. Our cold bed is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.”
“So what is that problem?”
“He’s just not attracted to me that way. He has no desire to hold my hand or kiss me. Mom, he moved to a different bedroom. He won’t even sleep in the same bed as me. Things were deteriorating more and more every day. We don’t even talk anymore unless it concerns errands or schedules or the kids.”
“He loves those girls, Morgan. He isn’t abusive, he doesn’t do drugs, and he’s a hard worker.”
“I don’t think I love him anymore.”
“Just promise me you’ll try to work this out. You can’t give up just because you’re libido isn’t falling in line with his. Remember...for better or worse.”
“Divorce happens, Mom.”
“Yes, and for most families, it’s hell—especially for th
e kids.”
I signed, knowing she was right, at least to some degree. “I don’t want to hurt them. I guess I could talk to Tom and see if I can move back in. I’ll give it one more shot.”
“That’s all I’m asking, sweetheart.”
We talked for another hour, and then I drove to the lake, where I could be by myself for a while and watch the glorious sunset. As Mother Nature presented me with her own brilliant display of reds, oranges, and violets, tears streamed down my face. I knew I had to somehow rise above my own emotional turmoil and be the better person. My mother had reminded me of our wedding vows, for better or worse, and I was sure the best move would be to keep my family intact, to stay together for the sake of my daughters. The intensity of our feelings had certainly changed over time, but Tom really was still my best friend, and part of me would always love him. For the sake of my children, I would have to sacrifice my own happiness and stay in my unhappy marriage. Divorce would be far too costly, painful, and difficult on everyone, and I was sure the best thing I could do would be to put in the hard work to make it work.
If we could really make a concerted, joint effort to reconnect, it would be worth its weight in gold for our marriage and our children. Tom was always so busy with work, and I was busy with my job, our kids, and the classes I was taking. We were exhausted, overburdened by all of our responsibilities, and Tom’s job was rather stressful. Because our lives were so very hectic, I was sure what we needed was a real timeout, some time out for ourselves. We had neglected our relationship for the sake of getting things done, and quality time had taken a back seat to everything else. I knew it would take better communication, genuine effort, and lots of love to save our marriage, but the most important factor was to have friendship at the foundation, and we definitely had that. I hoped that would be the glue that would ultimately pull us back together and hold us there, that we could somehow fall in love again. I wasn’t feeling it yet, but I owed it to my kids to try.
Chapter 13
I started the car and drove to the house, rehearsing my pleas in my rearview mirror, like an actress going over her lines. I was ready to pour out my heart, to put it all on the line.
