by T. R. Graves
Jayden never said a word. He just held me tight and let me purge as much of the sorrow from my soul as possible. A faraway part of me wondered how bad my grief would have been if the MicroPharm chip hadn't been releasing a nerve-calming sedative.
I knew it had to be doing just that because that was its job. Mom had designed it so. Still, the ache was so intense, so raw, and so crippling that I had to thank God above that there was something to keep me from feeling the full weight of this sorrow.
Chapter 9
Circle of Trust, Love, and Loyalty
Carlie
I'm not sure how long Jayden held me like that, but it felt like hours. When I'd cried all the tears I had to cry, I closed my eyes, pulled away from him, and said, "I shouldn't have done that."
I ducked my chin into my chest, knowing my face was red and disfigured from the swelling.
"Yes, you should have, and it didn't hurt anyone. You held it together for Tawney and Gran. The only person who will ever know about this is me, and your secret will follow me to my grave," Jayden swore, like this moment in time would be the olive branch we'd been searching for since the day I'd betrayed him in the ice cream parlor years ago.
"Thanks," I murmured.
Jayden shrugged and right before he looked away from me, I noticed his own eyes and nose were swollen and red. I hadn't been the only one who'd needed to grieve.
Why wouldn't he? He's in love with Tawney.
I put my hand on his arm, and he turned back toward me.
"We'll get through this. Gran's been working on a cure for lymphoma for years," I said, biting my lip before finishing. "I'm going to find out everything I need to know about his research and his discoveries."
With that commitment, I'd made the decision to fight for Tawney's life. I was the great-granddaughter of Peter Panzali and the daughter of Selma Enoche, both Nobel Prize winners. If anyone in the world had the genes and the incentive necessary to make life-saving discoveries, it was me. I stood straighter and took a long, deep breath. I felt better—stronger—than I had in hours.
Jayden studied me. Based on the furrow of his brow and the grit of his jaw, he had lots of emotions battling for control. In the end, he settled on admiration and nodded in a way that said if anyone in the world could save Tawney, it would be someone in my family—and that someone could be me.
I gave him a half smile and said, "You need to get a few hours of sleep. And I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to have all of this adrenaline pumping through me."
It took Jayden a few minutes to consider my proposal. "I want you to sit next to the tree by my tent. If you hear anything, wake me up right away. I'm a light sleeper so I'll hear you if you need me."
"'Kay," I said, turning back toward the camp.
As we walked side by side, we did the talking we should have already done.
"The safe house I'm taking you to is six days away, in good weather and with strong hikers. We're going to have to stay the course and keep Tawney motivated," Jayden explained.
"For the next few days after we stop for the night, I want to work on building a stretcher so we can drag her behind us if she gets too weak to walk," I suggested.
Jayden glanced over at me and said, "That's actually a very good idea."
I shrug. "I try to have them periodically. Why're you acting so surprised?"
Jayden's own shoulders bounced. "It's just that you've changed so much since you've been gone."
"I'm exactly the same person. Your memory is for shit."
"No. No, you're not. The old Carlie would still be angry with me for not taking you up on your offer and coming with you and your family the day you left," he explained.
I still remember the day we left; I'd stood with him near the babbling brook out in the forest close to the campgrounds where we'd always done our survival training.
"I told you then it was your choice. You wanted to stay with Barone and his band of hooligans. We all understood. My tiny little family will never be able to compete with the power you'd have as a Lead Surrogate Soldier. He could offer you that… We couldn't. I get it."
Jayden didn't say anything, but his angry silence told me I'd said the wrong thing. Again.
"Listen, I know we both like to annoy each other, but I wasn't trying to do that. I was just letting you know I understood," I explained.
"You don't know everything you think you know, Carlie. Stop assuming you do," he snapped, his words short and bitter. Then he sped up and got ahead of me. Without a good night or a kiss my ass, Jayden crawled into his tent.
Everything about his mood shift irritated me. I'd not said anything offensive. Yet he acted as if I had. The more I thought about his abrupt moodiness, the madder I got. I was too annoyed to sit next to the tree near his tent, so I defiantly found a tree near Tawney's tent and made just enough noise for Jayden to know I was nowhere near where he'd ordered me to be.
My actions were sullen and immature. They absolutely overrode all good judgment, but I couldn't find it within myself to care. First of all, I couldn't be that close to Jayden without kicking him through his tent. Second of all, I knew it would infuriate him for me to guard the camp while sitting anywhere but where he'd ordered me to sit.
You can suck it, Jayden St. Romaine!
I expected him to charge out of his tent and scold me for being the worst soldier ever, but he didn't. Then I remembered Dad and his expectations of me and was ashamed of myself and my actions. That guilt spanked me around more viciously than anything Jayden could ever had done until his regular deep breaths, signaling he was asleep, made their way out to me.
By then, I had no choice but to sit in that spot as quiet as a mouse, because the first move I made would wake him, would make him think danger was near, would keep him from going back to sleep. Letting him sleep for as long as possible and without interruption would be my only way of making amends without begging for forgiveness.
Which I'm not going to do.
I glanced around the dark forest surrounding us and decided this was the first time ever I'd been assigned guard duty. Dad and Jayden had always assumed the guard would be one of them so their training included that of swapping out that responsibility. They sacrificed sleep and pretended—since back then, there was no real danger—to keep our camp safe.
The dark, quiet alone time with nothing but me and my thoughts was nothing less than torturous. After I stopped considering Jayden and the unintentional offense I'd committed, I worried about Mom and Dad and what they'd faced after they made it back to the capital.
With visions of the worst possible scenarios pinging through my head, something Dad said to Mom suddenly occurred to me and made me angry. Dad had said someone had been beating Jayden pretty bad. When he'd said it, I'd been so worried about leaving Mom and Dad that I hadn't allowed myself to think too much about it. In the quiet of guard duty, it became an event worth fixating on.
I'll find out who's been beating him, and they'll pay, I swore as if I'd not just wanted to hurt him myself.
Sitting under this tree with nothing but the rustling of leaves and the calls of night creatures, I couldn't help but wonder what else Jayden had been enduring since we left. The longer I thought about it, no matter how much Jayden had irritated me throughout my life, the madder I got and the more I wanted to ask Jayden about it.
They'll pay, I swore again silently.
* * *
Four long and painful hours later, I had picked and poked through everything I knew to be true as it related to my family and President Barone. I'd worked myself up until I was buzzing with worry, anger, and fear, and I'd pledged a million times that I'd do whatever it took to get my family out of President Barone's crosshairs.
In that equation—because he meant so much to Tawney and Dad and in my opinion he deserved a lot more than beatings—Jayden was included in my umbrella of security.
Our circle of trust, love, and loyalty.
Without meaning to and before I could hol
d it back, a giant yawn made its way out of me. I was quite sure I might finally be able to sleep for a few hours (or a few days), but I still owed Jayden, so I stayed put.
My commitment didn't matter. Jayden had heard me and came crawling out of his tent seconds later. He stood and stretched with the grace of a cat. He was tall, lean, and sinuously muscular. No matter how big of an ass he could be or how tired I was, I had to admit that he put every other male figure in the world to shame.
He's just that beautiful, I thought as his shirt rode up over his hips and revealed abs that could've been sculpted in marble they were so perfect.
Seeing him and thinking such lusty thoughts—about Jayden St. Romaine of all people—woke me like I'd just had the caffeine from a triple shot espresso injected into my veins. Jayden never even glanced toward the tree where he'd told me to sit. He'd known all along I'd defied him. Something about that made me feel a little better because I suspected if it were a real problem, he'd have crawled out of his tent, threw me over his shoulder, and sat me on my ass exactly where he wanted me to be.
Yeah… he would have.
"Did you like what you saw?" Jayden said, raising his brows and effectively picking up our bickering where we left off before I spent an hour in his chest bawling like a baby.
My mouth snapped closed and the clamping of my teeth echoed through the forest. I was so embarrassed that I'd been caught appreciating Jayden that my face felt as if it had been doused with gas and lit on fire.
Jayden's only response was a low chuckle. Then he walked over to where I'd been quietly sitting, leaned his back against the tree, and slid down next to me.
"You're a real ass!" I spat, finding my voice and keeping my words as clean as possible in case Gran could hear us.
No matter what I said, Jayden knew what was going through my mind based on my glare, clenched fists, and gritting teeth. Obviously glad things between us had gotten back to normal, he chuckled again.
"Go get some rest. I got this," he whispered.
The last thing I wanted was to accept anything from him.
"I'm fine. You can get more sleep. My MicroPharm is working overtime," I said, turning away from him and studying the forest intently.
I acted as if guard duty was what I'd been doing for the last four hours, not wallowing in my problems.
"Yeah… I'm sure it is, but nothing will replace sleep, and that's exactly what you need so you won't slow us down today. We've got enough things working against us without me having to worry about you. Now, go," he ordered.
I shrugged. "I'd think you'd be happy to leave me behind. You could tell Mom and Dad you did everything you could, but in the end, you could only save Gran," I looked over my shoulder and gave him my own raised brow before dragging out the rest of my words in order to make sure he knew I saw what was going on between them. "And Tawney."
Something flashed across his face. Regret. Hurt. Anger. It happened too fast for me to know what had turned his brilliant jade eyes mossy.
"Are you jealous?"
A little too defensively, I scowled. "Why would I be? She's practically my sister. I want her to be happy. Nothing more."
"You were just looking at me like I was the last piece of chocolate cake in the world. That's not how a sister looks at a sister's boyfriend."
Damn him for taunting me. Damn him for remembering chocolate cake is my all-time favorite food in the world.
If I were Tawney, he and I would be able to laugh about my beloved birthday ritual. It had started with my fourth birthday, and every year since, my parents had begrudgingly conceded to my whim—I bequeathed chocolate cake the main course and demanded the sizes served be big enough to leave you bloated and full and unable to eat anything with the first ounce of nutritional value.
I snapped back to reality when he winked at me.
"You wish," I retorted.
"Yeah… I kind of do," he admitted before looking away and clearing his throat.
Speechless, I studied him and tried to figure out what game he was playing. First, he was flirting with Tawney. Now, he was saying things he shouldn't be saying to me.
"What are you doing? Even if I did like you—which I don't—I'll not betray Tawney. If she likes you, you're hers," I whispered so low that even if she happened to be awake, she'd never know what I'd just said.
As if egging me on were his goal in life, Jayden smirked and shrugged his shoulders before saying, "You of all people should know exactly what I'm doing. She needs something that will give her the motivation she needs to make it on her own to the safe house. I'm giving her what she's always wanted. A knight in shining armor. It's a harmless thing to do, and it will help her over the next few weeks."
My mouth dropped to my chest.
"Do you have any morals?"
"Carles, don't be jealous. I told you it's not real. You'll have me back as your very own pain in the ass soon enough."
I closed my eyes and shook my head. It took every ounce of restraint I had not to close the small distance between us, wrap my hands around his neck, and choke him until he understood what he was doing was wrong. His intentions might have been coming from the right place, but toying with Tawney's emotions wasn't something he should have been doing. Not now.
"If she finds out you're doing this out of pity, that alone will kill her. No girl wants a pity boyfriend. That's the worst thing ever."
With another shrug, he said, "Then it's your job to encourage her to keep up the pace so we're at the safe house as soon as possible. I'm putting you in charge of keeping her moving. If you fail, I'll intervene and do whatever I have to do."
The only person who knew better than me that all Tawney had ever wanted was a knight in shining armor was Jayden. We'd both watched as she'd spent years burying her nose books. All of them had the same theme: a man saved a woman just in time for them to pledge their eternal love to each other.
I'd actually seen her nearly swoon on at least one occasion when her all-time favorite male character finally and wholeheartedly admitted he loved her all-time favorite female character. Their happily ever ending was perfect, and it was the kind that had Tawney floating around the house for weeks after she finished the series.
She even took to following me around, demanding I read their story. She claimed if I read the book, I'd understand how important it was to have someone you could share everything with, including the most private and intimate pieces of yourself. Share my feelings with.
I'd ignored her and her lectures and avoided her whenever possible. Her nagging got so bad that if I'd had to listen to her tell me one more time that I needed a boyfriend or that my life would never be full without one, I might have resorted to drastic measures and cut off my ears.
I remembered the moment when I'd caved to her persuasion. It had been a Saturday, and we'd been enduring yet another weekend of survival training in the rain. I barely recalled the circumstances, but somehow I'd sprained my ankle while sparing with Jayden. I'd kicked out one leg. He'd grabbed it, and the next thing I knew, the ankle steadying me had given out. Before I could prevent it, I was face down in the muddy floor of the forest.
Under normal circumstances, Jayden would've laughed his ass off at me and made some comment about a female mudwrestling competition. My fall had not been a normal circumstance. The pain burning my ankle had been so bad that, screaming, I'd wondered if I'd broken something.
The MicroPharm had gone to work right away, alleviating the pain, and even though the throb had quickly dulled, Jayden hadn't been amused at all. He'd been so concern about me that he lifted me into his arms and carried me back to camp as fast as he could.
Jayden's normal reaction would have been anything but extreme concern. Animosity, irritation, and anger, yes. Concern, no. With him so out of sorts, I, in my drug addled state, understood that the ankle injury had been pretty severe. Before we made it to the camp, I blacked out, something Mom explained had been from the pain and not an accidental MicroPharm overdose.
When I'd awakened a few hours later, I was in Mom's tent and every pillow in camp had been shoved behind me to prop me up and every blanket in camp had been folded beneath my elevated leg to minimize the swelling.
On one side sat a guilt-ridden Jayden, a boy who looked like he'd just murdered someone. On the other side sat Tawney. Smiling, she'd held up her reader, where her favorite book was stored. I'd been trapped. My only option had been that of giving in.
I'd groaned internally and knew there was no getting away.
"Aunt Selma says you've been excused from training. You're on bed rest until further notice, which means you have plenty of time to fall deeply and madly in love with the dreamiest fallen angel to ever be written about," she'd cooed as if my injury had been the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Even then, long before I'd known her fate, she'd been too excited and too sweet for me to utter the sarcastic retort that had been itching to claw its way out of my throat. Instead, I'd given in to her demands and bobbed my head. Delighted, she'd tucked her most prized possession under my hip and glided her way out of the tent, claiming she didn't want to be the one keeping me from beginning it right away.
After she'd gone, I noticed Jayden's smirk. It had been one he instantly wiped away when he'd seen my glare. He understood I'd rather be actively involved in hand-to-hand training than reading about Tawney's favorite book boyfriend, which meant his satisfied grin had been the last thing I wanted or needed.
"You did that on purpose," I'd seethed.
"I've never hurt you on purpose before. What would make you think I'd do that today?"
Because I'd not been able to tell Tawney off, I'd misplaced my ire and acted as if Jayden had been solely responsible for my having to read Tawney's stupid love story.
"Oh… I don't know. Maybe you did it so I'd finally have to give in to Tawney's demands. You'll do anything she asks, and you expect me to do the same," I'd grumped.
