“I’m constantly having one exam after another,” she moaned to Ashley as they sat in their bedroom bent over textbooks.
“Tell me about it.” Ashley sighed. “Between classes and all my presidential Kappa Pi duties, I barely get any time to myself. I can’t even remember the last time I had a Sex and the City marathon!”
“These are trying times, indeed.” Alex laughed.
“I just keep thinking that if we work hard now, then it will all be worth it. But I’m wrong, because we work hard now to get decent jobs where we will just have to work even harder!” Ashley shoved her textbook away with her foot in frustration.
“It’ll be okay, Ash.”
“My dad already has a job lined up for me,” Ashley admitted sadly.
“That’s good, isn’t it?” Alex looked up from her book. “Where is it?”
“The senator’s office in L.A.”
“Ash, that’s an amazing opportunity. I thought that was exactly the sort of thing you were looking to do!”
“It is, and I am…” Ashley shifted uncomfortably from her position cross-legged on the carpeted floor, surrounded by her political science textbooks.
“Then what is it?” Alex closed her book, focusing on her troubled friend.
“I just wanted to do it on my own, not have him bail me out yet again. I’ve done all the hard work here at Princeton. I wanted to get a job on my own merit.”
“I’m sure the fact that you will be graduating from Princeton speaks highly enough of you. Your dad probably only needed to introduce you to them as a candidate.”
“Even so.” Ashley rolled her eyes in frustration. “My dad is just so controlling. I know he’s well intentioned.”
“Exactly, he just wants to help.”
“I just get so frustrated sometimes. And it doesn’t help that currently I’m all work and no play, which makes Ashley a dull girl!”
“Don’t worry, I feel exactly the same. I haven’t even had time to see Oscar in almost a week.”
“Really? And you guys are like joined at the hip or something!” Ashley teased.
“We are not.”
“Are too! I’m beginning to wonder if you don’t share vital organs, hence the constant need for closeness!”
“Whatever.” Alex smiled and reopened her textbook. Each moment was so precious and in need of cramming in as much information into her head as possible.
“Do you know the worst part?” Ashley suddenly asked.
“The worst part about my Siamese connection to Oscar?”
“No,” Ashley laughed, “about my dad getting me this job.”
“What’s the worst part?”
“That they wanted me to start right after graduation.”
“Oh no.” Alex’s face fell. “But that would mean—”
“Don’t worry, I categorically told him that I’d only take the job if we got to have our European summer adventure. And he agreed.”
“Thank goodness!”
“But still, I was pissed at the mere suggestion of losing our holiday. These days it’s all I can cling on to! We’ve both more than earned a break!”
“Too right.” Alex sighed, struggling to get her mind to remember a certain complex equation.
“Have you had a chance to look into jobs?” Ashley asked carefully.
“Huh, um, yeah, I applied to a few financial firms in New York.”
“The big apple?” Ashley raised her eyebrows in surprise.
“I always dreamed about working there, but I doubt it will pan out,” Alex said softly.
“It might. I don’t see why it shouldn’t,” Ashley said kindly. “And I’ve always wanted to go girly shopping on Fifth Avenue.”
“We’d so do that!” Alex smiled.
“I’d be so jealous if you went to live in New York. You’d be living out my Sex and the City fantasy!” Ashley made a mock pouting face.
“You can come and stay whenever you like.”
“Every weekend it is, then,” Ashley joked. “How’s Oscar feel about it?”
Alex stiffened at the question. “We haven’t really discussed the future.”
“Graduation is in just over a month. Now might be the time to talk about it,” Ashley said, her eyes wide with concern.
“He’s not one for talking about the future.”
“That may be, but the future is going to happen, whether or not you guys discuss it.”
****
Alex couldn’t stop thinking about her conversation with Ashley as she lay in Oscar’s bed that night.
“Hey, is everything okay?” he asked, turning to face his girlfriend.
“Um, yeah, I’m fine,” Alex answered dismissively.
“You’re pretty quiet.”
“I’m just tired. Finals are really taking it out of me.”
“Yeah, senior year has been tough,” Oscar agreed, returning to lying on his back and looking up at the ceiling.
“Do you ever think about graduation?” Alex asked, trying to sound casual.
“What about it? Do I think that it’s a conformist ritual that is pointless and contrite, then, yes, I think about it.”
“So you don’t plan on attending?”
“What would be the point?” Oscar asked directly.
“I don’t know. It’s meant to be one of those big life moments.”
“According to who, society? I make my own moments, you know that.”
Alex was quiet for a moment, contemplating how to proceed.
“What about after graduation?” her voice sounded small and unsure.
“What do you mean?”
“After we graduate, what are your plans? I mean, will you get a job, move back home, what will you do?”
She felt Oscar shrug beside her.
“I don’t know,” he said flippantly. “Life will just happen, I guess.”
“So you’ve made no plans?”
“No, you know what they say about best laid plans and all.”
Oscar tilted his head so that he could focus on Alex; he noticed how her lips were drawn together in a tight line.
“Have you made plans?” he asked her suspiciously.
“Me, um, well, I’ve applied to some graduate positions.”
“Where?” Oscar’s tone was growing aggressive.
“New York.”
“New York?” Oscar sat up and rustled around in his bedside drawer, searching for a cigarette, which he finally found and lit.
“Yeah, I’ve always wanted to go and live there, at least for a bit,” Alex said defensively, sitting up and rubbing her hands down Oscar’s bare back.
“Olivia dreamed of living there,” Oscar said flatly. “She wanted to be on Broadway.”
“Well, it’s an amazing place, full of opportunity. Lots of people dream of going there.”
“Uh huh.” Oscar took a long drag on his cigarette, watching the release smoke curl up into the air above him.
“That’s why I wanted to know what your plans were,” Alex said softly, still stroking his back in circular, cathartic motions.
“Why do my plans matter? Seems you’ve got it all figured out already,” Oscar barked at her, abruptly getting up and stalking towards the door.
“Where are you going?” Alex called after him.
“For a shower,” Oscar replied without looking back at her. “Suddenly I feel really dirty.”
Alex lay on the bed, waiting for Oscar to return, but eventually fell asleep. Her body relaxed into the warmth of her mattress, and she dreamed that she was in New York.
She was exiting a tall, glass building wearing high-waist black trousers and a loose-fitting cream silk blouse that had been tucked in to accentuate her small waist. On her feet were black patent stilettos, and she carried a brown leather briefcase. With her hair up in a bun and a smattering of makeup on her face, Alex looked every inch the New York professional. She exited the building and turned to walk up the street that was bustling with people. She weaved betwee
n them and eventually came to a stop outside a small bistro café. She was waiting for someone.
Up ahead in the crowd she spotted a familiar handsome figure wearing a stylish grey suit. He smiled when he spotted her, and when he caught up to her, he wrapped his arms around her before kissing her on the lips, the gesture both intimate and sincere. Alex felt warm and safe in his embrace, surrounded by love. She looked at him, and suddenly the dream stopped being so idyllic. It was Mark.
Alex awoke in Oscar’s bed, jolting from the dream in a sharp, sudden movement. She took a few seconds to fully wake up from the fog of sleep. Remembering where she was, she looked around and, to her dismay, saw that the bed beside her was still empty. Glancing at the digital clock on Oscar’s side of the bed, a gift he had reluctantly accepted from her, she saw that it was two in the morning. He’d clearly not gone for a shower as he’d previously told her.
Angrily, Alex got out of bed, pulling on her jeans and one of Oscar’s hooded sweaters. The dream had left her dazed, and as she headed out into the corridor, her eyes were stung by the harsh neon lights that lit the hallways.
Walking to the end of the corridor, she entered the male washrooms, doubting there would be anyone in there at such a late hour. As she predicted, they were completely empty. Oscar was nowhere to be seen. Frowning, she took a moment to consider where he would be. In an instant she knew the answer.
It was cold as Alex walked onto the roof of the building, and she pulled the sweater tightly around her as she headed across the tarmac. She spotted Oscar sitting on the edge of the roof looking dreamily out at the night sky. He was smoking but shivering from the cold, wearing only a T-shirt and boxer shorts.
“Oscar, what the hell are you doing? Its freezing out here!” she demanded. He turned and looked at her, momentarily bewildered by her presence. The wind had whipped his black curls into a tangled frenzy.
“Come back inside!” she ordered him, pointing towards the door to the stairwell as if directing an unruly dog.
“I’m fine here,” Oscar called back.
“Stop being a baby, and come back in!”
“What do you care what I do?” Oscar sulked. “You’ve planned out your entire future, and I’m not a part of it.” He bit his lip and looked back out into the empty night.
Alex came and sat next to him, feeling queasy about being so close to the edge of the roof and certain death if she were to fall.
“I’ve only applied to jobs there. I haven’t accepted anything or even been offered anything! That’s why I want us to talk about our future, so we can plan it out together.” She leaned against him, the smoke cloud of his cigarette tainting the scent of her hair.
“I don’t think about the future.”
“I know that, but it will soon be here regardless. Graduation is just over a month away.”
“I know,” Oscar said from behind clenched teeth.
“Why does it make you so mad?”
“Because I’m not stupid, Alex. I know I can’t keep you forever.” Oscar sighed, resenting himself for being weak over a woman; something he swore he’d never do. But love had changed him.
“Why can’t you?”
“Because I lose everyone I care about,” Oscar declared bitterly.
“Are you talking about Olivia?” Alex asked gently.
“All my parents will think on graduation day is that there should be two of us up there accepting our diplomas, not just one.”
“That’s not true, Oscar.”
“They resent me for taking her from them.”
“No, they don’t. Your parents love you dearly. I got to witness that first hand over the summer. Thinking they resent you, it’s all in your head.”
“Are you calling me crazy?” Oscar asked, suddenly turning hostile.
“No, of course not! Just please come back to bed.”
“Okay.” Oscar allowed himself to be led back into the warmth inside.
“I love you, Oscar. You know that, right?” she asked him as they got back into bed.
“What if love isn’t enough?” Oscar challenged.
“It has to be,” Alex said sleepily, her body already eager to return to the realm of dreams.
****
Alex looked at her reflection in the full-length mirror in her bedroom. She didn’t recognize the young woman looking back at her, wearing a cap and gown, who looked so grown up and full of promise. Sometimes she still felt like the scared fourteen-year-old who was powerless to save her father.
But time had passed and made her taller, stronger and helped her blossom from a girl into a woman, even if she sometimes still felt like an insecure teenager.
“Argh, you look amazing!” Ashley screamed excitedly as she entered the room.
“So do you.”
“This thing itches like crazy,” Ashley said, tugging at the fabric of her gown. “And don’t even get me started on the cap!”
Ashley was holding her cap, not yet daring to put it on her head and risk ruining her hair that she’d spent all morning curling for the occasion.
“You’ve got to put it on at some point,” Alex said, her own blonde hair already squashed tightly beneath the cap.
“I’m going to delay it until the very last second!”
“Fair enough.”
“Quick, give me a hug, and let’s get a picture of us in our sacred room before everything gets crazy.”
The girls embraced, and Ashley held her digital camera away from them at arm’s length and clicked, immortalizing the moment.
“I can’t believe we’re graduating,” Alex said, struggling to believe that it was all happening.
“I know.” Ashley put an arm around her friend, and they looked at themselves in the mirror.
“I’m going to miss living in this room,” Alex said sadly.
“No, none of that yet.” Ashley raised a hand and put on her stern voice. “We can get sad later. First, we’ve got a graduation to enjoy!”
Alex nodded, though she already felt sad. The thought of no longer living with Ashley was unbearable. The two girls had become best friends over the past four years, and suddenly they would be living on separate sides of the country. Alex hated leaving people. Her least favorite part of life was having to part ways with those she loved, and in her lifetime, she felt she’d already said far too many good-byes.
“Now, I need you to put on your biggest smile and head downstairs to where all the families are gathering for the Kappa Pi pregraduation tea and cake,” Ashley ordered.
“Yes, Madame President.” Alex curtseyed jokingly.
“Ah, I’m going to miss hearing that,” Ashley said wistfully. “I need to get into the Whitehouse just to hear it again!”
“That’s as good a reason as any to embark on a presidential campaign,” Alex quipped.
“Less talk, more walk,” Ashley said, ushering Alex out of the bedroom that soon they would no longer share.
****
As Alex descended the staircase of the Kappa Pi house, she spotted her mother loitering nervously in the hallway. However, as soon as she spotted her daughter, she sprang to life, wrestling her disposable camera from her purse and frantically taking shots.
“Mom, come on, you can take pictures at the ceremony,” Alex moaned.
“But you look so amazing, I want to capture each moment!” Jackie Heron protested. She reached out and hugged her daughter as Alex came over. She held her extra tight, as though scared to let go.
“Mom, I can’t breathe.” Alex pulled away, slightly suffocated by her mother’s overwhelming perfume.
Jackie Heron had made an extra-special effort for her daughter’s graduation. She’d bought a smart new dress from Macy’s, thankfully on sale, and had her hair done by a friend in the trailer park. It made Alex proud to see her mother fit in with the society mothers, who were clucking around their own graduating offspring. Alex was painfully aware of how her mother might be intimidated by them, but she was holding her own.
&nbs
p; “Where’s Andy?” Alex asked, glancing round as her mother appeared to be alone.
“He’s here somewhere, but a sorority house is no place for an eighteen-year-old,” Jackie said with worry.
“I’ll find him,” Alex offered, briefly leaving her mother to search the downstairs of the house for Andy.
It didn’t take her long to find him, or at least she thought it was him. There was a tall man in a grey suit standing over by the dining table, chatting away with one of the new pledges. Alex recognized the suit even from a distance; it had belonged to her father. She felt a momentary pang of despair at seeing it but pushed through it, sending the negative thoughts away.
“Andy?” Alex placed her hand on the guy’s shoulder, shocked by how tall he had become. Andy was easily six foot four, maybe five.
“Sis.” Andy smiled and hugged his sister, though with less enthusiasm than Jackie. He smelt strongly of cologne.
When Alex pulled away, she studied her brother, who she’d barely seen in the last several years. His skin had cleared up, his acne now a distant, difficult memory. He was tall and lean, and his features had frighteningly morphed to resemble a younger version of their father. It shocked Alex to see him so grown up and yet so familiar.
“You’ve grown,” Alex noted, not sure what to say.
“If you were around more, you’d have noticed,” Andy said bitterly.
“I’ve been busy with college. Don’t you start in the fall? You’ll soon see what it’s like,” Alex replied defensively.
Andy rolled his eyes.
“Mom told me that you got into Duke. That’s amazing.”
“Yeah.” Andy looked awkward, as though he were desperate to say something but holding it in.
“Everything okay? I thought you’d be pleased to see me,” Alex said, hurt.
“I am, of course I am.” Andy smiled and coughed nervously. “It’s just… I missed you. And that’s hard for a brother to admit about his sister.” He laughed.
“I’ve missed you too.”
“You should have come home more.”
“I know,” Alex admitted guiltily.
“Mom needs you. She won’t admit it because she’s scared of holding you back, but it wouldn’t kill you to visit her during the holidays.”
Letters of Love (Lessons in Love) Page 13
