by Umm Zakiyyah
Sometimes the people closest to you are the ones you can’t trust. Watch your back. #realtalk
As Aliyah stood in front of the stove pouring dry oats into boiling water while Ibrahim sat at the kitchen table waiting for his oatmeal, she saw Deanna’s status from a different perspective. Maybe it had nothing to do with Deanna taking a jab at Aliyah or any other person in Deanna’s close circle. Maybe it was just Deanna’s way of telling women to be careful about letting someone close to them harm them by using their trust as an inroad and a weapon. And that was definitely “real talk.”
Aliyah didn’t know how it felt to be in an abusive relationship, but she definitely knew how it felt to have her trust used as a weapon against her. Till today, the knowledge that Matt and Nikki had known each other long before Aliyah was in the picture was still a sore spot for Aliyah. The mere reminder made her stomach churn.
How could she have been so naïve as to welcome Nikki into her social circle and even her own home without asking a single question about why Matt was so keen on Aliyah teaching her about Islam? It should have struck Aliyah as odd that Matt cared so much about the woman’s soul given that he wasn’t actively involved in any Islamic work himself. But being the trusting person that Aliyah was, she’d assumed the best—when she would have done better to “watch her back,” as Deanna suggested. Then perhaps she would still be married to Matt today.
***
When Jacob had arrived to work early Monday morning, he was hoping to catch up on some work that he had fallen behind on. So when he heard a soft knock at his office door forty-five minutes before his official clock-in time for work, he couldn’t help feeling annoyed. A part of him was tempted to ignore the interruption. But whoever it was knew he was inside, possibly due to the thin rectangle of light glowing beneath his door, so there was nothing to do but get up, unlock the door, and see what they wanted. Jacob put on an expression of forced cordiality as he pulled open the door. If it was Dr. Warren, he didn’t want her to think she was unwelcomed.
“As-salaamu’alaikum, Dr. Bivens,” she said tentatively, apologizing with her eyes and soft tone.
The sight of Aliyah was so unexpected and pleasantly surprising that Jacob’s spirits lifted immediately. A smile spread on his face before he even realized it. “Wa’alaiku mus-salaam, Professor Thomas,” he said, unable to keep the happiness out of his voice. “What can I do for you?”
“I’m sorry for interrupting,” Aliyah said. “I saw you walking ahead of me to the building, so I knew you had come early too.”
“It’s okay,” Jacob said, opening the door wide and stepping back so that Aliyah could come in. “Take a seat.” He propped the door open with the door stopper, as he customarily did whenever he was meeting with a woman. “You’re always welcome.”
“Thank you,” she said, averting her gaze as she sat on the edge of a chair opposite his desk, as if anticipating that she wouldn’t stay long.
For some reason the prospect of her leaving so soon dampened his spirits slightly, but he still wore a smile as he settled in his office chair. “What’s on your mind?”
“I was thinking to maybe sign up for One Plus One Equals Won.” She was fiddling with the straps of her purse on her lap, unable to look at him directly, and in that moment, jealousy enveloped Jacob so completely that he recoiled at the thought of his brother marrying her.
“Pray for me, bro. I asked Aliyah to marry me,” Larry had said to him a few days ago. “I will, man,” Jacob had said. “I’m really happy for you.” And Jacob was happy for Larry. Or at least he’d thought he was. But now that Aliyah sat opposite him in flesh, Jacob couldn’t quell his desire to have Aliyah for himself. It was a selfish thought, but he couldn’t help thinking that Larry didn’t deserve Aliyah. What had Larry done to justify having someone like Aliyah as a wife?
Jacob immediately sought refuge from Shaytaan, the accursed devil, and silently asked forgiveness for his vain thoughts. If Larry didn’t deserve Aliyah, Jacob reasoned in self-reproach, then Jacob certainly didn’t. At least Larry was able to offer Aliyah some semblance of normalcy in her life. But what about Jacob?
The most Jacob could offer Aliyah was the miserable lot of the “second wife.” And Aliyah deserved much better than that. Yet Jacob couldn’t come close to being able to offer her even half of what she deserved. Besides, she didn’t want Jacob as a husband in any case. For all intents and purposes, Aliyah had already made that abundantly clear. “It’s okay,” she’d said after he told her about his “momentary lapse in judgment” in calling her uncle to ask about her. “We all make mistakes.”
Jacob grunted. A mistake. That’s what the culmination of all his years of unrequited longing and regret had amounted to. A forgivable “mistake.” The realization cut him so deep that he had a difficult time focusing on what Aliyah was saying to him in his office that morning as she sat opposite him. But he found himself looking at Aliyah and taking in her breathtaking beauty while comprehending none of the words she spoke.
“—give me your point of view, if you don’t mind,” Jacob heard Aliyah say, looking up at him for the first time, a question in her eyes.
Her words jarred him back to reality, and he immediately averted his gaze. “I think you’d be a great fit,” he said quickly. “We’d be honored to have you in our program.”
Aliyah looked confused momentarily. “Thank you,” she said hesitantly. “But I’m also asking about Jasmine.” She lowered her eyes, an embarrassed expression on her face. “You know…” she said. “…in case I have anything to worry about.”
Jacob drew his eyebrows together. “Jasmine? Is she a current or former student?”
Aliyah shook her head. “No, I mean, Larry’s Jasmine,” she said. “His ex-girlfriend.”
“Oh, Jasmine,” Jacob said, his eyebrows rising in sudden realization. “Yes, I remember her. Why do you ask?”
“Last weekend I went to your aunt’s house and—”
“Oh yeah,” Jacob said, smiling, “my aunt and mother wouldn’t stop talking about you when I saw them a couple of days ago.”
“—some of the family said…” Aliyah appeared to lose her train of thought as she registered what Jacob had just said, a shadow of concern passing over her face. “What do you mean?”
“No, no, no,” Jacob said, chuckling and apologizing in his tone. “It wasn’t anything bad. They couldn’t stop talking about you because they really like you.”
“Oh… mashaAllah,” Aliyah said, the smallest hint of a smile appearing on one side of her mouth. “I really like them too.” A shadow of concern passed over her face as her thoughts seemed to shift. “But they kept joking about this Jasmine person and saying they were happy Larry was finally moving on.” She frowned as she glanced at Jacob. “Do you know anything about that? Are he and Jasmine still in touch or anything?”
Jacob immediately felt uncomfortable. He knew what Aliyah was asking, but he didn’t feel he had a right to divulge that information. Larry and Jasmine’s relationship had been serious for many years, but Larry’s interest in religion had driven a wedge between them. Jasmine was a self-proclaimed agnostic, but she held such a strong contempt for religion that it bordered on anti-theism. However, as Larry’s inclination toward Islam grew, Jasmine’s contempt for religion appeared to wane, but only to the point of obligatory respect.
Ultimately, the biggest point of contention between Larry and Jasmine was Larry’s desire to have a life partner who believed in God while Jasmine felt that love, not a person’s religion, should matter most in a romantic commitment. They eventually broke up officially shortly before Larry became Muslim. But Jasmine was still a Facebook friend of Larry’s though they rarely communicated except for the occasional “like” or commenting on the other’s status.
From what Jacob could tell, Larry and Jasmine were still “friends” in the loose, meaningless definition of the term. But based on what Jacob knew from his own past relationships, a man remaining casual “friends” wit
h a former girlfriend was an indication that he had moved on. Or it was a sign that he still had strong feelings for her and was holding on to the hope that they would get back together one day. In all honesty, Jacob believed that the latter was more plausible, at least from a male point of view. And given the complex history between Jasmine and Larry, Jacob had a difficult time believing that Larry was completely over Jasmine despite Larry’s apparent sincere dedication and commitment to Islam.
“Those feelings don’t just go away,” Benjamin had said to Jacob during a phone conversation in which Jacob told him about how strongly he’d felt drawn to Aliyah twelve years ago at the MSA dinner. “You can deny them all you want. But when a man loves a woman...” Benjamin paused and made a “hmph” sound. “…I’m telling you, man, there are only two ways to deal with that. Leave her alone completely, or marry her immediately. There are no safe compromises.”
At the time, it was so unsettling for Jacob to hear the term love used to describe his feelings toward Aliyah that he was almost offended. But it took some time for Jacob to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t the word love that disturbed him most, but the fact that it really didn’t matter what term was most apt in his situation. He’d never have Aliyah for himself anyway, so what difference did it make?
***
Aliyah left Jacob’s office more confused than when she’d arrived. She hated thinking that Larry and Jacob were hiding something from her, but the feeling kept gnawing at her. There was something amiss about this whole Larry-Jacob ordeal, but she couldn’t put her finger on it.
It had been difficult enough divulging her concerns to Jacob. But Aliyah really didn’t know where else to turn. She had considered calling her uncle, but she realized that would do little good since he didn’t know Larry well enough to tell her what she needed to hear. The only person who could allay her fears about having another Matt-experience was either Larry himself or someone close enough to him to be privy to his interactions (or lack thereof) with his ex-girlfriend. Aliyah had loathed the idea of asking Jacob about a deeply personal matter concerning his brother, but after careful thought and du’aa, Aliyah accepted that it was her best option. Of course, she could call Deanna. But besides the fact that there was little Deanna would likely know about her brother-in-law, Aliyah no longer trusted Deanna to be honest and impartial in what she said to Aliyah.
Aliyah had no idea why Deanna seemed to despise her so much, but if what Larry had said about it actually being Jacob and not Deanna who had initiated the idea of Aliyah working at the college, Aliyah could understand Deanna having some level of resentment toward Aliyah. A part of Aliyah wanted to apologize to Deanna for unintentionally being a source of stress in her marriage.
But even if Aliyah decided to reopen the channels of communication with Deanna, there was really no context to make such an apology. At best, what Larry had told her was hearsay, and at worst, it was grossly incorrect. Of course, Larry had no reason to lie to Aliyah about who had suggested the idea of Aliyah working at the college; but it was possible that Larry himself had misunderstood his role in the ordeal. Perhaps it had been Deanna’s idea initially and Jacob had merely asked Larry’s advice to see what he thought of the idea.
But why would Deanna be so upset with Jacob about a proposition that she herself had suggested? Or maybe Larry had misunderstood that too. It was possible that Deanna and Jacob had been arguing about something else and the topic of Aliyah’s job had been brought up somehow, leading Larry to believe that the argument was about the job itself.
The vibrating of Aliyah’s phone interrupted her thoughts as she walked into her office and set her handbag on her desk. She withdrew the phone from her purse and saw a notification for a Facebook message. Girl, I hope you don’t think you’re avoiding me. I keep getting your voicemail. Call me back. Now.
A headache pulsated at Aliyah’s temples as she walked around her desk and settled into her office chair. She turned off her phone’s Wi-Fi connection then drew in a breath and exhaled slowly. Whether she liked it or not, Aliyah needed to have a long talk with Deanna, sooner rather than later.
Chapter 8
Why He Stayed
“I have a slightly different perspective from my wife,” Jacob had said as he and Deanna sat opposite the talk show host. “I don’t think a belief in God and understanding the sacredness of the marriage bond can prevent major problems in life or marriage. Problems, whether relatively insignificant or monumental, are natural parts of life; so no one is exempt from them.”
Jacob had sensed Deanna tense up at his words, so he put his hand on hers and squeezed affectionately. “So in that respect,” he continued, “marriage can be viewed as hard work. Thus, both points of view have validity. It just boils down to how each married couple or relationship expert defines ‘hard work.’”
He looked at his wife compassionately and smiled. “I do, however, mirror my wife’s sentiments in that a couple’s lack of faith or trivializing the importance of marriage can exacerbate existing problems,” he said, feeling the heat of the lamps blazing on them.
“But I don’t believe divorce is necessarily a symptom of that,” he added, turning his attention back to the host while still holding Deanna’s hand. “Divorce in itself isn’t a sign of anything except that a marriage has ended. It is in answering the question Why? that we determine whether or not a deeper, preventable problem existed,” he explained. “Because, in practical reality, it is possible that the marriage ended simply because the man and woman were not compatible, or because one spouse was abusive or because they were both a harm to each other.”
When Jacob and Deanna had stopped by his aunt’s house to pick up their sons after leaving the television studio Sunday morning, Deanna stayed in the car. She sat taut in the passenger seat with her arms folded over her chest and her body pushed against the door, her head turned stiffly away from him, looking out the window. Jacob walked up the pathway leading to the front door, the rage in his chest simmering only slightly as the side of his face throbbed in pain as it recovered from the sting of Deanna’s slap.
“A real man never hits a woman.” Throughout Jacob’s youth, the oft-repeated words of his father remained etched in his mind, and by adulthood they had settled firmly in his heart. Before he was Muslim, it had been a source of pride for Jacob that he had never lifted a hand toward a woman, even if the extent of their relationship was only a drunken one-night stand. But there had been one girlfriend with whom it took all his will power not to strike.
Like Deanna, this girlfriend would slap, hit, punch, and kick him whenever it suited her; and during arguments she would throw anything from a wooden coat hanger to a steel iron. Once, when he had not ducked his head fast enough during his girlfriend’s fit of anger, the side of his forehead was sliced so deeply that it required six stitches and left a scar that remained till today. After that incident, Jacob experienced so much anxiety in his girlfriend’s presence that he’d do all he could to appease her and acquiesce to whatever she wanted so that he could avoid another explosive episode. But it was to no avail. His breaking point was when she wrapped her thin fingers around his neck and nearly choked the life out of him because, despite his massive strength, he’d stood in a confused stupor, unwilling to lift his hands to even ward off the attack.
No more, he’d said to himself that day so many years ago. Then he walked out of that woman’s life and never looked back.
Younus’s innocent chatter and Thawab’s childish enthusiasm upon seeing their father at the door sapped the last bit of simmering rage from Jacob’s chest. His sons made all the pain and heartache worth it.
There had been many times over the years that Jacob contemplated divorce, but he couldn’t stomach the idea of his sons having a broken home. But as a wide smile spread on Jacob’s face as he held Thawab’s hand and listened to Younus describe his victories on the Wii, he wondered if he was giving his sons a broken father instead.
***
“C
an you believe that?” Deanna’s face was contorted in disgust as she gestured a hand toward the video from where she sat on her couch with her legs tucked under her. Because the show was recorded and aired two weeks ago, Deanna was able to obtain a DVD of the interview from the television station. “It’s so disrespectful.”
Juwayriah frowned thoughtfully as she lifted a shoulder in a shrug from where she sat next to Deanna a Wednesday afternoon. “It’s actually not that bad, Deeja. The way you made it sound…” She coughed laughter. “…I thought the brother cursed you out on the air or something.” She shrugged again. “Chill. It’s not a big deal.”
“Are you joking?” Deanna glowered at Juwayriah. “It would’ve been better if he had cursed me out. Then at least it would be clear who’s in the wrong here. But with the underhanded way he attacked me, he made me look like some ignorant, emotional idiot. And I’m the marriage expert, not him. So it’s my reputation on the line.”
“To be honest, Deeja,” Juwayriah said, “I think you’re overreacting. He made some good points, mashaAllah.”
“So you’re siding with him?” Deanna’s eyes widened in hurt and offense. “I thought we were friends.”
“We are, girl,” Juwayriah said. “And I definitely don’t agree with what he did. But all I’m saying is it’s not as bad as you think. People won’t see it as him undermining you.” She grunted humorously. “If anything, they’ll admire you more for being married to someone who thinks differently yet you’re still able to be a power couple, mashaAllah.”
