by Umm Zakiyyah
Aliyah turned the frame to the front and gazed at it a moment more before putting it back on the shelf.
“Oooooh,” Larry said, appearing at Aliyah’s side and picking up the framed quote. “I like this.”
A smirk formed on Aliyah’s face. “I do, too.”
“Then I’ll get it for you.” Larry started to place it in the hand basket that he held, but Aliyah took the frame from him and put it back on the shelf.
“No thank you,” she said humorously. “It’s too un-romantic.”
“Everyone needs a good laugh now and then.”
“Trust me,” Aliyah said, “this does not make me laugh.”
“A good cry, then,” he said with a shrug, but he left the frame on the shelf.
Aliyah laughed in agreement. “That would be more like it.”
Larry was quiet as they walked toward the checkout. “This Nikki situation is really bothering you, huh?”
Oddly, Aliyah had momentarily forgotten about Nikki’s phone call the night before, telling Aliyah that they wouldn’t be bringing Ibrahim over that weekend. “Matt and I want to spend more time with him,” Nikki had said.
“You should talk to a lawyer,” Larry said.
“I couldn’t afford to look at a lawyer,” Aliyah said. “And they know that.” She shrugged. “Besides, what could I say? That his father wanted to take him to the space museum during the only time he’s off work?”
“You give people too many excuses,” Larry said after they had checked out and were walking toward his car in the parking lot, a bag in his hand.
Aliyah rolled her eyes, but she didn’t respond. Deanna used to say the same thing to Aliyah, and Aliyah was growing tired of the criticism. Wasn’t she supposed to make excuses for people?
“That’s why I was happy when I saw you holding that quote,” Larry said. “I know it’s a small thing, but things like that can really help put things in perspective.”
Never argue with a stupid person. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Aliyah couldn’t deny that it did give her something to think about, especially after all she’d gone through with Deanna. But the truth was, it was Reem’s words that stuck with her most. People use offensive terms and labels to shield themselves from rational thought.
If Aliyah sought inspiration in thinking of Deanna (or even Nikki) as “stupid,” how was her behavior any different from what she was seeking reprieve from? Ultimately, snarky statements like Mark Twain’s did little more than solve one problem by creating another. And perhaps the latter was worse than the former. Sure, you could avoid a host of pointless arguments by thinking of your opponent as a stupid person trying to drag you down to their level. But what did this do to your heart?
No one who has even an atom’s weight of pride will enter Paradise, the Prophet had said, and more than anything, Aliyah wanted to enter Paradise. So she was not willing to compromise that opportunity if she could help it. She had enough faults as it is. What was the point of seeking self-affirmation by inciting pride?
“And it can also put arrogance in my heart,” Aliyah said as she pulled the seat belt over her torso and clicked it closed.
Larry looked over at Aliyah, a grin on his face as he turned the key in the ignition. “Girl, you are way too uptight. The sky’s not going to fall if you hang a Mark Twain quote on your wall.”
The comment stung, but Aliyah remained silent and looked out the window as Larry pulled out of the store’s parking lot. Maybe she was too uptight, she considered. “You need to live a little,” Deanna used to say. “Laugh, go out, have some fun.” Perhaps that was why Aliyah had agreed to let Larry pick her up today instead of driving herself. But right then she wished she had her own car. She wanted to go home. She didn’t feel like being stuck sitting in a restaurant booth across from Larry.
“I’m sorry,” Larry said, his tone soft and regretful. “I didn’t mean that offensively.”
Is there any other meaning to “way too uptight”? Aliyah said in her head as she continued to look out the window. But she kept her thoughts to herself.
“The truth is,” Larry said reflectively, “I really admire you. You make me want to be a better person.”
Aliyah resisted rolling her eyes. How many times had she heard that before? Years ago she would have taken it as a compliment, but now it sounded condescending. You’re such a good person, she translated in her head, that it’s annoying to be around you. Loosen up.
“That’s why I want to marry you,” Larry said.
Aliyah’s heart softened and a shadow of a smile formed on her face. But she couldn’t fight the exhaustion she felt right then. His words, though pleasing to her ears, made her feel distant, as if Larry were a stranger and not Jacob’s brother. But her face grew warm in flattery, and her heart fluttered in desire.
Internally, Aliyah groaned. She hated when sheer loneliness got the better of her. Moments like this, she was grateful for Islam. Because Aliyah and Larry were Muslim and unmarried, she was under no pressure to hold Larry’s hand or be intimate with him in any way, and they would never be alone together because Islam didn’t allow it. Thus, as long as she kept her impure thoughts to herself, the moment would likely pass without incident.
“Why would you want to marry someone who’s uptight?” Aliyah asked. She knew that Larry might find the question offensive, but she really wanted to know. Larry’s statement reminded her of Deanna. Aliyah couldn’t fathom why Deanna wanted to be her friend if she found Aliyah so annoying and off-putting. Why not find a new friend? And in Larry’s case, why not find someone else to marry?
Larry laughed. “You take me way too seriously. I like that.”
Aliyah wrinkled her nose as she glanced at him. “You like that?”
“I like a challenge,” Larry said with a shrug, grinning. “Most women I date practically throw themselves at me. I like it when women play hard to get.”
Aliyah’s stomach churned. This was not going well. If the car hadn’t been in motion, she probably would have opened the door and walked out right then. Did Larry think this was all a game?
“I don’t play hard to get,” Aliyah said, surprised by her frankness. “If I like you, you know it. If I don’t like you, you know it.”
It wasn’t until after lunch when Larry had dropped her off at her apartment that Aliyah realized her mistake. Her statement had been meant to clarify her honest approach to courtship, but it could be taken to mean that she didn’t like Larry. If I like you, you know it…
Aliyah cringed at the thought. She immediately opened her handbag and fished for her phone. She needed to apologize and clarify what she’d meant. But holding her phone, hand suspended in front of her, she stopped herself.
Maybe this is a good thing, she considered.
For some time, she had been going back and forth about whether or not to marry Larry. Perhaps this was her way out.
Oooooh. It looks like Larry finally got over Jasmine!
At the reminder of Larry’s family teasing, Aliyah lowered her hand and put the phone back in her purse. Up until now, the Jasmine question remained unanswered, and no matter how hard Aliyah tried, she couldn’t bring herself to dismiss the possibility that Larry still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend.
But shouldn’t she still call him and apologize? She didn’t want him to think she disliked him. If it turned out that Jasmine was really out of the picture, then Aliyah might lose the opportunity to build a relationship with Larry.
Just pray on it, she told herself, and see what happens.
***
“One plus one equals won! One plus one equals won!”
Aliyah laughed and pumped her fist along with her colleagues as Jacob led the chant during the first orientation in preparation for the mentorship program in June, which was only a month away.
It had been a couple of months since Aliyah debated on whether or not to apologize to Larry for unintentionally implying that she d
idn’t like him, but the status of their relationship hadn’t improved much since then. The last time they’d spoken was more than a week ago when Aliyah openly expressed her concerns about marrying him while he had feelings for someone else.
“I’ll probably always have feelings for any ex-girlfriend,” Larry had told her. “But that has nothing to do with us.”
“It has everything to do with us,” Aliyah had said.
“What do you expect me to do?” Larry said. “Try to make myself hate her?”
“Of course not. I’m just not willing to marry you if you still care about her.”
“I care about a lot of people.”
“That’s not what I mean, Larry, and you know it.”
“Jazzy and I dated for years. My feelings aren’t going to just disappear overnight.”
“Jazzy?” Aliyah recoiled.
“I’m sorry,” Larry said. “Jasmine, then.”
“See, this is what I mean,” Aliyah said. “You can’t just say things to appease me. It has to come from you.”
“It is coming from me. It was a slip of the tongue, that’s all. I’m so used to calling her Jazzy that I forget to use her real name.”
“Then call me back when your memory is better.” Aliyah’s tone was sarcastic. “I’m not doing this again.”
“I’m not Matt,” Larry said irritably. “I’m being completely upfront with you. I don’t know what else to do. If I say I don’t care about her, you’ll think I’m a liar. And if I say the truth, you think I’m being unfair to you. This is why most men just tell women what they want to hear. It’s so much easier and more productive.”
In her office as she prepared to go home that evening, Aliyah wondered if she was being paranoid in her reaction to Larry’s sentiments about Jasmine.
“He has a point,” Reem had said when Aliyah had asked her advice a few days ago. “Moving on doesn’t necessarily mean you stop caring about other people you’ve dated. It just means that in the part of your heart that matters most, there’s room for someone else.”
Aliyah sighed as she stacked some papers and rearranged them on the side of her desk. Aliyah herself couldn’t deny that she still had “feelings” for her high school boyfriend. But the feelings were so miniscule that they hardly seemed to matter. At most, they amounted to little more than genuine respect and concern for him as a fellow human being. If she ever saw him on the street, Aliyah imagined that the run-in would inspire little more than an obligatory “How are you?” or a polite wave.
Was this what Larry had meant when he said he still cared about Jasmine?
“Thanks for joining us.”
Aliyah looked up and saw Jacob standing in the doorway to her office, a basketball cradled under one arm, his briefcase in the other. Earlier that evening, Jacob had trained the One Plus One mentors on math and science drills to do with the high school students on the basketball court. He was still wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants.
Aliyah smiled self-consciously. “Thanks for selecting me.”
“You came highly recommended,” Jacob said, a smile on his face.
“Does that mean I still have a job?”
He laughed heartily. “Dr. Warren is preparing your formal contract and salary offer now.”
Aliyah smiled to herself as she finished the last rearrangements on her desk. She still found it hard to believe that she was a bona fide college professor now. By fall term, she would qualify for tuition reimbursement to complete her unfinished doctorate in mathematics.
“Larry called me a couple of days ago.”
“About what?” Aliyah said as she opened her purse to make sure her mobile and iPad were inside.
“He said you called off the engagement.”
Aliyah sighed and shook her head. “I didn’t call off anything. Besides, there was never an engagement in the first place.”
Jacob stepped backwards into the hall as Aliyah turned off the light and pulled the door closed as she stepped into the hall herself. “So it’s over between you two?” he said.
“I’m still trying to figure everything out.” Aliyah turned the key in her office door to lock it. “But I don’t want to string him along, so it’s probably best to call it quits.”
“Are you sure?” Jacob sounded skeptical.
“No. But that’s what bothers me. If he’s the right person, shouldn’t I feel something?” she asked rhetorically. “Right now, he just seems like a really nice brother who’ll make a good husband and father insha’Allah.”
“Isn’t that something?”
“Maybe,” she said with a shrug. “But it’s not enough. At least not for me. One thing I’m not doing again is marrying someone just because he’s a good Muslim. Marriage should be built on more than that.”
Jacob appeared reflective as he walked alongside Aliyah toward the elevators. “I know what you mean,” he said. “People put too much emphasis on superficial Islamic qualities as if they’re the be-all and end-all of everything. Life is more complex than that.”
“Then again, maybe it’s not,” Aliyah said, her eyes lingering briefly on the wheeled gray garbage container that the custodial staff had pushed into the lobby during cleanup. “Maybe we just complicate the simplest things.”
“Maybe,” Jacob muttered as he stopped in front of the elevators near where one of their colleagues stood waiting, the down arrow already lit.
“Afternoon, Dr. Bivens,” the man said, nodding a polite greeting to Jacob before his gaze lingered on Aliyah long enough to make her uncomfortable. “Professor Thomas,” the man added with another nod, a smile in his eyes as he met Aliyah’s gaze.
“Good afternoon, Dr. Stanley,” Jacob said, his voice raised as if in annoyance, his close-lipped smile thinly veiling the grimace on his face.
Before Aliyah herself could reply to Dr. Stanley, the professor’s mobile rang, and he immediately broke eye contact as he fished for the phone in his pocket. Putting the phone to his ear, Dr. Stanley quickly stepped away from the elevator and walked past the garbage container to take the call.
Aliyah did a double take as she saw a familiar frame atop the garbage, a crack spreading on the quote’s glass encasement. “Isn’t that yours?” she said to Jacob.
Jacob’s line of vision followed her pointing finger. “It used to be,” he said, chuckling self-consciously. “I’m trying to clean out my office before the summer internship starts.”
“I like that quote,” Aliyah said, stepping toward the garbage, wondering if it would be unhygienic and socially unacceptable to retrieve the frame and take it home. Stop complaining. Be the change. Stop bickering. Be the bigger person. Stop criticizing. Be the better person. Stop settling for less than the best. Be YOU. She imagined that this quote would be closer to the positive self-affirmation she was looking for when she’d considered buying the “Never argue with a stupid person” frame months ago.
“It’s yours if you want it,” he said as the elevator doors opened. “You’ll need to get a new frame though.”
Aliyah wrinkled her nose as she pulled it from the garbage pail and shook it free of trash. “That’s not a problem,” she said as she carried it away from her body, stepping into the elevator after him. Jacob and Aliyah nodded and mumbled a greeting to the three employees who were already inside.
As the elevator doors closed, Dr. Stanley came into view as he rushed toward them. He was still holding his mobile as he waved at them to open the doors. Instinctively, Aliyah reached for the button, but Jacob was already pressing it. When she heard a couple of employees snickering behind her, it took a moment before Aliyah noticed the smug grin on Jacob’s face as the doors sealed shut just as Dr. Stanley reached the elevator.
“Sorry,” Jacob muttered aloud, humor in his tone. “Wrong button.” Aliyah chuckled and gave Jacob a curious look, but he merely responded with a shrug.
“You sure you don’t want to keep it for yourself?” Aliyah said a few minutes later after they stepped off the elevator and wer
e walking toward the exit leading to the faculty and staff parking lot. She was looking at the framed quote in her hand. “Sometimes I throw away things at the spur of the moment then regret it later.”
“I don’t think I’ll regret it.” The expression on Jacob’s face suggested that he was enjoying a private joke. “I’m ready for a new perspective in life.”
Aliyah creased her forehead as she looked at the quote again. “What’s wrong with this perspective?”
Jacob shrugged. “Nothing, I suppose. I’m just starting to wonder if it inspires vanity more than it does motivation.”
Aliyah pulled her head back in surprise and looked at Jacob quizzically. “Vanity?”
“Not for you,” he said, clarifying. “For me.”
Aliyah tilted her head sideways, considering the quote from a different perspective.
Stop complaining. Be the change. Stop bickering. Be the bigger person. Stop criticizing. Be the better person. Stop settling for less than the best. Be YOU.
“I guess it can be a bit negative, huh?” she said with a thoughtful nod. “Stop complaining. Stop bickering. I see what you mean.”
“You see how it starts off with the assumption that you’re seeing negativity in the people around you?” Jacob’s tone conveyed relief that someone understood where he was coming from.
Aliyah smirked and pursed her lips in understanding. “Then it tells you that you’re the solution.”
“Not only the solution,” Jacob said. “The bigger and better solution.”
Aliyah laughed. “Oh my God, you’re right.”
Smiling with his eyes, Jacob shook his head. “I swear, Deanna made me feel like I was crazy for not wanting to keep that on my office wall.”
At the mention of Deanna, Aliyah’s spirit dampened slightly.
“With that quote in my head each day,” Jacob said, shaking his head in reflection, “I felt like I was walking around telling myself I was better than everyone around me, while I was the only one with a negative outlook in the first place.”
