by Umm Zakiyyah
“It’s okay,” she whispered, her sweet breath warm against his face. “I forgive you. We don’t have to talk about it anymore.”
Don’t mess with me, boy. I’ll make your life hell. I’ll take your sons from you, and you’ll never see them again…
Jacob jerked his head back, and he gripped her arms and pulled them from his back. “No,” he said, catching his breath as he stepped backwards. “We will talk about this. I want a divorce, and if you don’t—”
Deanna stepped forward and slapped him hard, interrupting him midsentence. “Shut up, Jacob.” She then pushed his chest in rebuke before kissing him again. “You’re not leaving me.” Her voice was soft and stern. “You wouldn’t know what to do without me.” She kissed him again, a sneer lingering on her face. “You think that pathetic excuse for a woman who just takes up earth space can ever do for you what I do? I did you a favor by telling her to marry Matt. She isn’t good enough for you.”
Jacob swatted Deanna’s hand away and abruptly turned his back. As he walked toward their bedroom, he felt himself unraveling as fury and desire enveloped him at once. He yearned for Deanna in a maddening way, and he hated himself for it. No, Jacob had no problem enjoying the halaal intimacy of his wife that night, but if he gave in before she acknowledged the legitimacy of his concerns, he feared that he would fall back into the clutches of Deanna’s physical and psychological manipulation. Like the bright smile she wore to deny her own pain, she imagined that sex would do the same for him; and he refused to be an accessory to her emotional crime against the soul.
O Allah, give me strength, he silently prayed as he heard Deanna’s soft footsteps trailing behind him.
“If you want me,” he said, his voice firm as Deanna closed the bedroom door and locked it, “then listen to me first.”
Deanna smiled teasingly as she walked slowly toward him and slipped off her outer garment to reveal the lingerie she wore beneath.
Frustrated with her stubbornness and his own carnal weakness, Jacob walked past her, turned the lock and yanked open the bedroom door, then walked quickly down the hall. His head cleared with each heavy footfall upon the steps until he was at the sliding glass door next to the dining room. He unlocked it and slid it open, not caring that a peeping neighbor might see him dressed in only his boxers.
The pavement of the basketball court was cool beneath Jacob’s bare feet, and the May night air was tolerably warm. He raised his eyes toward the sky as he drew in a breath and exhaled, confounded by the mixture of desire and contempt he held for his wife.
I did you a favor by telling her to marry Matt. She isn’t good enough for you.
Maybe Aliyah isn’t good for me, Jacob thought reflectively. It was entirely possible that his persistent desire to marry Aliyah merely represented his desperation to escape a toxic relationship. Perhaps Aliyah was merely symbolic of what he longed for in a wife. Educated and intelligent. Humble and reserved. No, this was not what he merely wanted in a wife. It was what he needed. Cocky and forward women had always annoyed him (at least outside the bedroom), and his tumultuous relationship with Deanna only confirmed that sentiment. If he were to maintain his sanity and thwart further emasculation, he needed to release himself from Deanna’s claws.
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard.
A sad smile formed on Jacob’s face as he recalled reading that Qur’anic passage shortly after becoming Muslim. He had been so naïve at the time. He had actually imagined that all Muslim women embodied the meaning of that verse. It hadn’t occurred to him that his experience with women as a Muslim wouldn’t differ too greatly from his experiences with women as a Christian. He hadn’t known that it might prove impossible to find any woman whose character and lifestyle reflected that of a righteous believing woman.
And he hadn’t known that it might prove impossible to find within himself the character and lifestyle that reflected that of a righteous believing man.
The sound of the glass door being slid shut prompted Jacob to turn around and look toward the house. He saw Deanna, still in her black lingerie, glowering at him as she stood on the other side of the glass. The glow of the dining room light illuminated her fair caramel skin and incited a flicker of longing in Jacob. But the sight of her hand securing the lock, her angry glare unmoving, sapped any lingering desire from him.
***
Early Friday morning, Aliyah stood in front of the photocopy machine in the office supply room. She held a stack of exam papers in her hand as she hesitantly poked at buttons with her free hand. Her eyebrows were drawn together as she studied the changing icons on the glowing blue display. Collated. Stapled. Two-sided. For all her wits in math and science, Aliyah was continuously confounded by the department’s high-tech copy machine. She bit her lower lip nervously as she keyed in 70 copies, wondering if she should calm her anxiousness to get this over with and just do one sample copy before risking facing the even more daunting task of interrupting a copy job in progress.
“Do you have a moment?”
Exams still in hand, Aliyah turned from where she stood and found Jacob in the doorway, a look of exhaustion and concern on his face.
“Is everything okay?” Aliyah said.
Jacob’s lips formed a thin line in an effort to decide the best way to respond. “I don’t know,” he said. He exhaled as if in confession. “Dr. Warren wants to talk to both of us.”
“When?” Aliyah’s voice was etched in concern.
“In thirty minutes,” he said. “But you and I need to meet before then, if that’s okay.”
Aliyah nodded as she glanced toward the copy machine, realizing she would have to photocopy the exams later. “Okay,” she said, surprised that she found her voice with the apprehension she felt right then. She pressed cancel and followed Jacob out the supply room and down the hall leading to his office, exam papers still in her hand.
This was the moment that Aliyah had feared when she first began working at the college. After her probationary period had passed and she signed her full-time employment contract, she’d thought the worst was over. But now she wasn’t so sure. A twinge of panic stabbed her chest as Jacob unlocked his office and pushed the door open, stepping to the side so that Aliyah could enter. Was she going to lose her job today? Where would she live? How would she take care of Ibrahim? Would she have to relinquish the little time she spent with her son?
“Please sit down,” Jacob said, gesturing toward the seat opposite his desk as she walked past him and he secured the door stopper.
Aliyah lowered herself into the chair and set the stack of exams on her lap then nervously rested her hands atop.
“I won’t take too much of your time,” Jacob said as he pulled out his leather swivel chair and sat down.
Aliyah nodded, apprehensive.
“Firstly,” he said, holding onto the handles of his chair as he moved himself closer to the desk, “how are you? I know a lot has been going on, and I apologize that we haven’t been able to meet officially before now.”
Aliyah felt a tinge of discomfort with the question. She had no idea how to respond. She was still at a loss regarding what exactly had triggered Deanna’s vicious attack, and daily she battled the feeling of suffocating mortification every time she stepped into work. Since the incident, Aliyah had developed the habit of coming in at least thirty minutes early just to avoid the humiliation of withstanding the scrutinizing judgment and relentless whispers while she stood in line to swipe her badge.
“I’m okay, alhamdulillah,” she said finally, deciding that was a safe response.
“That’s good. That’s good.” Jacob nodded, but his expression suggested that his thoughts were elsewhere.
Aliyah’s heart constricted, fearing that Dr. Warren had given Jacob the o
nerous task of telling her that her employment contract was being suspended prematurely. Yes, she was a full-time employee now, but she didn’t have tenure. Aliyah imagined that allowing a non-employee a key to her office was serious enough grounds to let her go, especially since it had led to the school placing a restraining order against Deanna. Aliyah wouldn’t be surprised if the president of the college himself had suggested firing her.
“Professor Thomas…” Jacob began. “No,” he said, stopping himself as if self-rebuke. “Aliyah,” he corrected, meeting her gaze pointedly. “I’m sorry for what happened here a couple of weeks ago, and I apologize for not apologizing sooner.”
Aliyah furrowed her brows and shook her head. “It wasn’t your fault. Deanna was probably upset because—”
“No,” he interrupted, raising a palm to stop her. “It was my fault, and it is my fault.”
“But Deanna is just—”
“Deanna is just my wife,” he said. “So if she comes here and attacks anyone, especially you, it’s my fault. There’s no other way around it.”
Aliyah started to say something but decided against it when she saw the serious look on Jacob’s face.
“And I say especially you because there is a longstanding history of Deanna being upset that I ever wanted to marry you. And she’s never forgiven me for talking to the college on your behalf.” He frowned. “She remains convinced that you and I are planning to run off together and get married in secret.”
Aliyah shook her head. “Is this because of that phone call you made?” Aliyah knew Jacob’s phone call to her uncle had happened months after she was hired at the college, but Aliyah was beginning to wonder if Jacob had spoken his thoughts aloud before then.
Jacob shook his head. “No. This problem started twelve years ago when Deanna invited me to a campus dinner hosted by the MSA.”
Aliyah nodded. “I remember that dinner. That was the night Deanna told me about Matt.”
Jacob looked troubled by something, but he went on. “I didn’t want to go to that dinner, but when I got there, I was glad I came. Even when I was a teenager, I had in my mind what I wanted in a wife. She would be educated and intelligent,” I told myself, “yet humble and reserved.” A shadow of sadness passed over his face. “But I’d begun to think she didn’t exist.”
Aliyah smiled in understanding as she recalled Deanna telling her something similar. Deanna had said that she had begun to think her soul mate didn’t exist, but everything changed after talking to Jacob during the MSA dinner. “Girl, with all the fireworks between us, we had to get married.” After all that had happened between Aliyah and Deanna, compounded by the stress that Jacob was under after the incident, it was comforting to hear Jacob allude to a softer, more romantic side of his relationship with Deanna.
“I know you’re not interested in the entire backstory of my marriage,” Jacob said apologetically, “but I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think it’s important for you to understand everything, especially since it has affected you directly.”
Aliyah nodded. “It’s okay. I appreciate the explanation.”
“Well, when I got to the dinner,” Jacob said, “I saw a woman leaning against a wall reading a book.”
Aliyah looked at Jacob curiously. She didn’t know that Deanna had been reading a book that night. Aliyah was usually the one who brought books everywhere while Deanna insisted that it was anti-social and rude to read while others were present.
“And my first thought was, She’s the one,” Jacob said. “I hadn’t met her yet, and I didn’t know her name. But when I looked at her, I saw my wife. Educated and intelligent, yet humble and reserved, I thought to myself. And all I did for the rest of the night was try to get closer to her so I could introduce myself. Even as I sat with Deanna in the hallway that night, all I could think about was the woman in the green hijab.”
Aliyah averted her gaze as she got the odd sensation that this story wasn’t going in the direction that she had expected.
“So I asked Deanna who the woman was, and she told me that she was her best friend Aliyah.”
Aliyah narrowed her eyes in sudden understanding, recalling Larry alluding to Deanna being upset that Jacob had helped a woman he’d once wanted to marry. “So then…” Aliyah said, unable to give words to the question in her mind.
“I know this all might sound odd, especially since it happened so long ago,” Jacob said. “But bear with me, and insha’Allah, you’ll see how it’s all connected to what’s happening now.”
Aliyah shook her head, forehead creased. “It’s just... subhaanAllah.” She shook her head again. “I’m sorry. Go on.”
“But when I asked about you, Deanna told me you were already engaged and that—”
“Engaged?” Aliyah said, taken aback.
“I know,” Jacob said, a sad smile on his face as he shook his head. “I’m still trying to make sense of it all myself.”
“But I don’t get it. If you two had just met, why would she care what you thought of me?”
Jacob frowned thoughtfully. “Some people think of love as a finders-keepers territorial mission,” he said. “In their world, not even the person they love has the right to refuse.”
“But that is so…” Aliyah contorted her face as she searched for the right word. “…wrong.”
“I agree,” Jacob said. “But bear in mind that these are not conscious motives. My personal assessment of people of this mindset is that they’re taught from young that humans are objects. Of course, they’re not taught this outright, but the message is clear nonetheless.”
“I read a book about that once,” Aliyah said reflectively. “It was saying that unresolved trauma causes a lot of that.”
Jacob nodded noncommittally. “That’s possible.”
Aliyah sensed that there was something about Deanna that Jacob was not saying, and she immediately grew concerned. Though her curiosity was piqued, she decided against speaking her thoughts aloud. She didn’t want to put Jacob in the uncomfortable position of discussing more about his wife than he felt compelled to already. She imagined that this conversation alone was stressful and embarrassing for him.
“But Deanna didn’t only say that you were engaged,” Jacob said, returning to the backstory of his marriage. “For all intents and purposes she said that you were a helpless mental case who couldn’t even tie your shoelaces without her support.”
Aliyah’s face twisted in offense. “What?”
“I know this is difficult to listen to,” Jacob said, apology in his tone. “And trust me, it’s difficult to tell. But I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think it’s only fair that you know what you’re dealing with. If Deanna is physically attacking you for something that started twelve years ago, then most likely, this problem isn’t going anywhere any time soon.”
“What else did she say?” Aliyah’s voice was tight in fury.
“That’s the gist of it,” Jacob said. “And I admit, I was a bit skeptical when she said it because it didn’t match what I sensed from you. But I hadn’t met you yet, and she’d known you for years. So I had no choice but to trust her judgment.”
Aliyah rolled her eyes. “You had a choice,” she said, surprised by her sudden frankness. “And I’m not talking about choosing Deanna over me because I didn’t know you at that time.” A voice in her head told her to calm down, but she was tired of keeping her feelings inside. Why did people feel that they could mistreat nice people, or let others do it on their behalf? “But you did not have to believe those lies about me. You didn’t know Deanna either, so why did you believe her?”
“I’m sorry, Aliyah. I didn’t mean—”
“Please, Jacob,” Aliyah said, lifting her hand, “don’t try to defend what you did. It was wrong. Yes, Deanna was wrong to slander me, but you were wrong to just sit there and soak it all in. And now you’re saying you had no choice but to trust her?” Aliyah narrowed her eyes as she looked at Jacob. “Do you really believe that?
When Aliyah was in high school, classmates would constantly taunt her and pick fights, but Aliyah saw right through their twisted expressions, childish insults, and heartless bullying. When they called her conceited, they were really saying, I see something admirable in you that I don’t see in myself. When they said she thought she was too good to hang out with them, they were really saying, We’d love for you to join us and don’t understand why you won’t. When they said she was “too nice,” they were really saying, It’s frustrating that we can’t find fault in you. When they said she was a coward and a punk, they were really saying, We hate that you won’t stoop to our level and try to harm us like we harm you.
On the rare occasions that Aliyah did speak up—for herself or someone else—she was called arrogant and judgmental. It seemed she could never win. Her silence was cowardice, and her fighting back was arrogance. Whenever she attended an event or visited someone’s house, she’d hear later that something she said (or didn’t say) was wrong, offensive, or self-righteous. It got to the point that social interactions, especially in large crowds, caused her so much stress and anxiety that she developed frequent headaches and heart palpitations at the thought of going anywhere. “Focus on what you’re supposed to be doing, ” her father used to say, so that’s what Aliyah strove to do. But Aliyah had yet to develop a healthy coping strategy when she or someone else was slandered or wronged.
