by Umm Zakiyyah
“Yes!” Ibrahim said as he opened his door.
“Whoa…” Aliyah said, laughter in her voice. “Wait for me.”
“Sorry, Mommy,” Ibrahim said, his body halfway out the door as he waited for Aliyah. She opened the driver’s side door, and Ibrahim shot out the car and ran to the door before she could call him back to walk with her.
After joining him at the door, Aliyah grinned at Ibrahim and rubbed his head before ringing the doorbell. He smiled back at her with the excited innocence that only a child could have. The door opened less than a minute later, and after offering a hurried greeting, Salima ushered Aliyah and Ibrahim inside. Salima told Aliyah that they had just introduced the first sister; she then led Ibrahim to where the other children were.
“Speak to me,” Aliyah heard a voice proclaim from the living room seconds before she joined the crowd of women. “Tell me what’s really on your mind. On your heart.” The woman was someone Aliyah didn’t recognize, but Aliyah felt connected to her at once. “Because I refuse to believe that a simple wedding invitation could tear your life apart….
I know he’s not the man you thought he should be.
And I know he’s not the ‘prince charming’ you envisioned for me
Oh, and I know, I’m not the daughter I used to be
But we already knew that, didn’t we?
What was it? Six years ago, when I said I believe in God now?
And maybe a year after that when I said I believe in Heaven and Hell?
And then I became Muslim, but you already knew that too
So I’m trying to understand what my being happy will ruin for you
Is it that our children will have funny sounding names?
Or that having a bearded son-in-law fills you with shame?
But don’t worry. You don’t have to claim him. I accept him as all mine.
But I thought that’s what the invitation said. Did you look inside?
Or how about this? Maybe you can just call him your daughter’s weird friend
Because I’m no more excited to introduce you to him
It’s not easy to know your future in-laws are casting you out
Before you even had a chance to find something stupid to fight about
But I get it. My marriage is like my religion. It’s all wrong.
It challenges your superior notions of right and wrong
But I wonder. Can you even keep up with what you believe?
I mean, since there’s no God up there, and hence no rules, no clarity?
But you don’t need to answer that. There really is no point
Because with atheists, there’s only one possibility. Disappoint.
You have no critical thinking, or compassion, or an open mind.
You don’t even have your own human heart on your side
But that’s okay. The ceremony is still at end of June
Come if you like. But staying home is fine too.
But either way, we’ll be there. He and I.
Saying I do and all that, planning the rest of our lives.
But I don’t even know why I’m saying this to you
It’s not like you even opened the invitation I sent you
Or at least that’s what my mind keeps telling me
Since you don’t— and won’t
Speak to me.”
There was an explosion of applause, and Aliyah forced a smile as she brought her hands together and clapped along with the rest of the women. But there was a part of her that had left the room while listening to the woman’s words. The poem had touched Aliyah in a way that she did not fully understand. As the other sisters gathered around the woman to ask questions and compliment the poem, Aliyah excused herself and found the closest bathroom.
She stepped inside and closed the bathroom door softly then locked it. She stood still holding the handle, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. She then opened her purse and rummaged for her phone. She pulled it out and unlocked it before opening the text message conversation between her and Benjamin. For several seconds she stared at his words. Any closer to your decision about Jacob?
She hesitated briefly before typing her reply. I can’t marry him.
But before she pressed send, her legs grew weak and tears filled her eyes.
Speak to me, a voice said in her head, and she thought of her parents and siblings and how much she missed them. She thought of Matt and Nikki and how they were starting a family together. She thought of Deanna and how she would probably never know happiness again. She thought of Mrs. Michaels lying helpless in the hospital. She thought of Salima losing her husband and two of her children overnight. She thought of Younus seeing those horrible media clips about his mother. She thought of Thawab running up to her and saying “Aunty Aliyah!” before giving her a warm hug. She thought of Ibrahim shouting, “Yes!” whenever he got to spend time with his friends. She thought of Jacob taking his sons and moving to another city…
And she thought of how unbearable it would be to know she’d never see him again.
Speak to me. Tell me what’s really on your mind. On your heart.
Her gaze was fixed on the unsent message on her mobile screen. I can’t marry him. The thin cursor blinked back and forth after the last word like a heart beating in uncertainty. The right arrow icon that would solidify the message remained dutifully in place, as if waiting for her command.
“But I’m scared,” she muttered aloud as tears slipped down her cheeks. “I’m scared.”
But if you walk away now, a voice in her head said, you don’t even have your own human heart on your side.
There was a knock at the door, and Aliyah started, her thoughts interrupted.
“One second,” she called out as she quickly set her mobile and purse on the sink counter. She reached forward and turned a faucet knob before filling the palms of her hands with water then washed her face.
But I get it. My marriage is like my religion. It’s all wrong. It challenges your superior notions of right and wrong.
But I wonder… Can you even keep up with what you believe?
Hands shaking, Aliyah dried her face with a paper towel and tossed it in the small trashcan. She then picked up her cellphone and hesitated only briefly before pressing the right arrow icon. The swooshing sound confirmed that the message had been sent. Heart racing at the realization of what she’d just done, she averted her eyes from her reflection in the mirror as she picked up her purse and dropped the phone inside. She then pulled the straps of her purse over her shoulder before opening the bathroom door and rejoining the women.
Chapter 22
Then Where Are You Going?
Aliyah dreamt that she was in sujood, her forehead resting on the soft grass of a lush green field as she prayed to Allah. She remained in prayerful prostration as the field expanded and stretched beneath her. “FAbi-ayyi aalaa’e rabbikumaa tukadh-dhibaan,” a voice recited in a strong, beautiful voice. Then which of the favors of your Lord will you deny?
There was a sense of calm in Aliyah’s heart when her eyes fluttered open in the comfort of her bedroom. As she recovered from the grogginess of sleep, she wondered if Jacob had already prayed Qiyaam al-Layl. Instinctively, she reached out to see if he was still lying next to her…
What?
Heart pounding, Aliyah sat up in bed and searched the darkness for signs of her familiar surroundings. It took several seconds before she was able to convince herself that she was fully awake and no longer under the inebriation of sleep. But even as her eyes adjusted and revealed that nothing was amiss, there was still the lingering feeling that she was married and had not spent the night alone.
Any closer to your decision about Jacob?
A feeling of sickness sat heavy in her stomach as she recalled her uncle’s text message—and her response: I can’t marry him. The brief text conversation with Benjamin seemed like something from the distant past, but it had been only the night before.
Aliyah leaned to
the side and turned on the small desk lamp that sat on the nightstand next to her bed. Her mobile phone still lay where she had left it. She hesitated only briefly before picking up the phone and powering it on. She couldn’t remember if she had replied to Benjamin’s response: Can’t now or can’t ever?
Can’t now, Aliyah read her reply after she unlocked the screen. But the cursor was still blinking after the last word, indicating that she hadn’t sent it. Aliyah started to press the right arrow icon but withheld. Pray first, she said to herself. Then tell your uncle everything that’s on your mind.
***
Jacob’s mobile rang late Saturday morning as he was walking out the exit doors of the hospital after a brief visit to Deanna’s mother. He withdrew the phone from his pocket and looked at the display. Benjamin Nelson. A sharp pain stabbed Jacob’s chest. Aliyah said no, Jacob figured. A part of him didn’t want to answer the phone. He and Benjamin had already spoken briefly after Jumu’ah on Friday, and Benjamin had said that Aliyah was having second thoughts. “But don’t worry,” Benjamin had told him. “I’m working on it. She’ll probably come around, insha’Allah. She just needs time.” But even as Jacob held on to the barest of hope, he knew that Aliyah didn’t need time. She needed someone else, a man who could offer a peaceful, uncomplicated version of marriage life.
“As-salaamu’alikum,” Jacob said as he put the phone to his ear. He tried to sound upbeat, but he was so distracted by the melancholy he felt right then that he doubted he even sounded cordial.
“Wa’alaiku-mus-salaam.” Already, Jacob could hear the apology in Benjamin’s tone.
“Any updates?” Jacob said in lighthearted humor as he reached into his pocket with his free hand and withdrew the keys to his car.
Jacob heard Benjamin sigh. “I’m sorry, Jacob,” Benjamin said. “But she said she can’t…”
“Alhamdulillaahi ‘alaa kulli haal,” Jacob said. All praise is for Allah in every circumstance.
“At least not right now,” Benjamin added. “But she might change her mind. I can see if—”
“It’s okay,” Jacob said sincerely, interrupting Benjamin midsentence. As much as he wanted to marry Aliyah, he didn’t want Benjamin to belabor the issue. If there was anything Jacob had learned about women, it was that they disliked persistent men. There was nothing admirable about a man who was so self absorbed that he refused to accept no for an answer.
While some men prided themselves in “the chase” and contended that women liked to play hard to get, Jacob believed that any woman genuinely interested in commitment wouldn’t refuse a man just for the fun of it. “I like a challenge,” Larry would often say, but Jacob felt differently. “I accept a challenge,” Jacob would say. “If it comes naturally,” he’d add. “But I don’t necessarily prefer it. A relationship isn’t a game.”
“But she didn’t say no outright,” Benjamin said, “so I still think there’s a chance.”
Jacob creased his forehead as he pointed the keychain remote toward his car and pressed the button to unlock it. “What do you mean?”
“I’ll just send you the screenshots of our conversation,” Benjamin said. “Then you can let me know what you think.”
Jacob tried to temper the hope that he felt right then, but it was difficult. He wanted to remain levelheaded about everything in case Benjamin was being overly optimistic. “Okay, insha’Allah,” Jacob said, his nonchalant tone veiling his true feelings.
“Will you be able to make it today?” Benjamin said after a few seconds.
Jacob drew in a deep breath and exhaled as he opened the driver side door and climbed into his car. “I should be able to,” he said, shutting the door. “Is it still after Dhuhr?”
“Yes, insha’Allah,” Benjamin said.
“I might be running a little late,” Jacob said as he buckled his seat belt. “I’m just leaving the hospital now, and I have a few more errands to run. Then I have to pick up Younus and Thawab from Larry’s.”
“How is she?” Benjamin asked, his voice subdued in concern.
“Deanna’s mother?” Jacob said.
“Yes,” Benjamin said.
Jacob coughed laughter as he put his key into the ignition and started the car. “You know how they say near-death experiences draw people closer to God?” he asked rhetorically. “Well, I’m not convinced that’s true.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing significant,” Jacob said tentatively. “Except she grew angry when I recited Qur’an.”
“SubhaanAllah,” Benjamin said in dismay.
“And she started mumbling all this stuff about the blood of Jesus.”
“Allah guides…”
“Yes He does…” Jacob said as he opened the compartment next to his seat and took out the wire that connected to the auxiliary port. He set down his phone after connecting the wire so that he could hear Benjamin through the car speakers. “So I’m just going to keep praying for her.”
“Pray for Valerie too,” Benjamin said, his tone reflective.
Jacob immediately regretted his comments about Deanna’s mother. He had forgotten that Benjamin’s wife wasn’t Muslim. “Is she open to Islam?” Jacob asked as he backed out of his parking space, glancing in the rearview mirror.
Jacob heard Benjamin sigh. “Yes and no,” Benjamin said reflectively. “She’s probably the most devout Christian in her family.”
“Do you think that makes her more, or less open to Islam?” Jacob said as he drove out of the parking lot.
“In some ways, more. But because of her family,” Benjamin said, “probably less.”
Jacob frowned as he thought of his own family. “Family can make things complicated,” Jacob said. “There was a time I felt my father was close to becoming Muslim, but I think my mother dissuaded him.”
Jacob heard Benjamin chuckle. “Valerie tried to dissuade me too. It almost tore apart our marriage, but giving up Islam wasn’t an option,” Benjamin said. “At least not for me.”
“Allah guides…” Jacob said, echoing Benjamin’s words from earlier.
There was a thoughtful pause. “If things don’t work out with Aliyah,” Benjamin said, “will you look into other options?”
Jacob was overcome with melancholy at the thought. “What other options?” he said, lighthearted humor in his tone. “I don’t think there are any more Aliyahs in the world.”
Benjamin chuckled, but there was a tinge of sadness in that sound. “MashaAllah, I can’t disagree with you on that one.”
Jacob felt a lump develop in his throat, and he tried to distract himself by remembering that there was still a possibility, albeit small, that he could marry Aliyah one day. Whenever “one day” would be, only Allah knew. Jacob wished it were easier to extricate himself from the desire to marry Aliyah. He hadn’t lived with her a single day in his life, and still he couldn’t imagine life without her. It would be easier if the prospect of marrying other women appealed to him. But right then, a dozen beautiful women of high status, good character, and deep spirituality could offer themselves to him, and he’d say no to each and every one. Even if four of them would agree to be his wives all at once, he doubted that the prospect would appeal to him any more.
This must be how love feels, Jacob thought sadly.
He’d had his share of girlfriends before accepting Islam, and none of them stirred the part of him that Aliyah did. The closest he had come to what could be considered love was the relationship he’d had with Melanie in high school. As early as middle school, there was a part of him that knew what he wanted in a wife. He didn’t always know how to fully articulate it, but he felt his wife would be “educated and intelligent, yet humble and reserved.” And he’d spent most of his young adult life searching for that woman. But everyone he’d dated would have, at most, two of those qualities, and he’d started to wonder if such a woman even existed. When he became Muslim, his hopes were renewed, as he imagined that perhaps his past disappointments were due to the women not havin
g Islam in their life.
It was thirteen years ago that, for the first time in his life, Jacob felt intensely connected to a woman he had never even spoken to. Ironically, it was the day he and his future wife had met; and Jacob had only reluctantly attended the MSA dinner that Deanna had invited him to. Yet till today, Jacob’s fondest memory of that evening was of the woman in a green hijab. She had been leaning against the wall reading a book, oblivious to all the commotion and chatter around her. He remembered how her expression was one of thoughtful intrigue, as if the words on the page offered a perspective she hadn’t considered before. Educated and intelligent, and humble and reserved, he’d thought to himself; and the realization seemed to spring more from his heart than his mind…
Whatever misfortune happens to you, is because of what your [own] hands have wrought. But He pardons [and forgives] much.
“Astaghfirullah,” Jacob muttered in regret as he recalled the Qur’anic verse that most certainly explained his current fate. It was heart wrenching to realize that a moment of carnal pleasure—with a woman to whom he had no meaningful attraction—would render a lifetime of heavy consequences. Would that he could remove that filthy stain from his heart. Would that he could take back the moment and refuse Deanna’s invitation. Would that he could go back and speak to the woman in the green hijab. Would that he could walk up to Aliyah today, right then, and make her his wife…
“What’s that?” Benjamin’s voice said from the car speakers, asking Jacob to repeat what he had said. Jacob started, having forgotten that he was still on a phone call with Benjamin.
“I’m sorry,” Jacob said. “I got distracted.”
“Well, I’ll let you go,” Benjamin said. “Insha’Allah, we’ll talk more once you get here.”
“Okay, brother.”
“Don’t forget to read the screenshots I’m sending you.”
