by Umm Zakiyyah
“And I think you love him too,” Benjamin said, his voice soft in sincerity. “You’re just having a difficult time admitting it to yourself.”
Immediately, Aliyah thought of Deanna and felt a tinge of guilt. But oddly, the feeling was not as strong as before. No soul can bear the burden of another, a voice said in her head.
“If you have a difficult time thinking of yourself,” Benjamin suggested, “then at least think of your son.”
Aliyah bit her lower lip as her gaze rested on where Ibrahim was playing with the children.
And when the scrolls of deeds [good and bad] are laid open. When the sky is torn away. When the Blazing Fire is kindled to fierce heat. And when the Garden is brought near, [then] shall each soul know what it has put forward…
“What do you think?” Benjamin said.
Aliyah was silent as she reflected on whether or not any of her misgivings were based on what she truly believed Allah wanted for her and her son in this world, or in the Hereafter.
Fa’ayna tadh-haboon? Allah asked in the Qur’an. Then where are you going?
If you’re not following the path that Allah has laid out for you, Aliyah asked herself, then where are you going?
“You sure he doesn’t mind living separately for a few years?” Aliyah asked tentatively, glancing up hesitantly at her uncle. “I mean… That’s not exactly what a—”
“I’ll ask him now,” Benjamin said, a smile of triumph on his face as he interrupted Aliyah midsentence. He turned his back and walked toward the basketball court before Aliyah could stop him.
Her face grew aflame in embarrassment as she saw her uncle waving to the brothers and calling out to Jacob. Instinctively, Aliyah rushed into the house, the screen door closing behind her.
“Is everything okay?” Valerie asked, a concerned expression on her face.
Aliyah had forgotten her aunt was in the kitchen right then. “He’s asking Jacob to marry me,” she mumbled, peering outside uncertainly.
“What?” Valerie said, laughter in her voice.
“Uncle Ben,” Aliyah said nervously, folding her arms over her chest. “He’s asking Jacob if he wants to marry me.”
“I thought Jacob already wanted to marry you,” Valerie said, confusion in her voice.
“Yes, but…” Aliyah’s words trailed as she lost her train of thought.
There was an extended silence.
“Go wash your face,” Valerie said, a maternal smile on her face as she looked at Aliyah warmly. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Aliyah nodded absently and walked toward the bathroom.
***
“You serious?” Jacob said, his heart nearly leaping from his chest in excitement as he wiped the sweat from his head with the back of his hand, a disbelieving grin on his face. His first instinct was to make sajdah al-shukr, prostration in gratefulness to Allah. But he wanted to make sure this wasn’t some sort of joke, though rationally, he knew that Benjamin wouldn’t make light of something like this.
“Dead,” Benjamin said, smiling. “At least for the next twenty minutes,” he added, lighthearted humor in his tone. “But after that, I can’t make any promises.”
“So what are you thinking?” Jacob said, creasing his forehead in curiosity.
A mischievous grin formed on Benjamin’s face as he held Jacob’s gaze.
Jacob’s eyes widened in disbelief as he translated the tacit message, but he couldn’t keep from smiling. “You’re serious?”
“Why not?” Benjamin said, a smile lingering on his face. “I’m here, so that takes care of her wali.” He shrugged and gestured behind him. “And we have much more than two witnesses.”
Jacob raised his eyebrows and shook his head. “If it’s okay with Aliyah…”
“But just so you know,” Benjamin said, humor in his tone, “you just agreed to let her be a stay-at-home mom before you can even live together.”
“Whatever she wants,” Jacob said eagerly, a disbelieving grin on his face.
“And for the mahr?” Benjamin asked, referring to the obligatory dowry that a man paid to a woman upon marriage.
“Whatever she wants,” Jacob said again, shaking his head.
“You mean that?” Benjamin said, his voice serious.
“Absolutely.”
“What if it’s a million dollars?” Benjamin said, raising an eyebrow jokingly.
“Then it’s hers,” Jacob said.
“But do you have a million dollars?” Benjamin asked, laughter in his voice.
“No,” Jacob said, coughing laughter. “But I’m willing to pay in installments.”
“Seriously?”
“No joke,” he said sincerely.
“Then let’s have a wedding.” Benjamin clamped Jacob’s shoulder briefly before walking toward the house.
“Oh yeah,” Benjamin said, gesturing toward the grill. “Keep an eye on the chicken in case I’m gone too long.”
***
By the time Aliyah had washed her face and emerged from the bathroom, she was filled with nervous excitement. It was still difficult to believe what she had just agreed to.
“He’s ready right now.”
Aliyah looked up and saw her uncle standing in the living room as she entered.
“Who’s ready?” Aliyah said, confused.
“Jacob,” Benjamin said. “He’s ready to marry you right now.”
Aliyah’s eyes widened. “Right now?” she said.
“It’ll just be the nikaah,” Benjamin said. “You can do a wedding party later. But we have all the witnesses, so that’s taken care of.”
“But…” Aliyah looked down at herself and frowned. “I’m not dressed for a nikaah.”
Benjamin shrugged. “You look a whole lot better than Jacob,” he offered. “And you smell better too,” he added, prompting Aliyah to laugh.
“But we haven’t discussed anything…” she said.
“He’s willing to provide for you so you can stay home even when you’re not living together,” Benjamin recited as if from memory. “And he’s willing to pay any mahr,” he said. “But only up to a million dollars.”
Aliyah laughed and shook her head. “Ha ha ha,” she said, her tone flat, letting her uncle know that she knew he was joking. “A million dollars?”
“Wallahi,” Benjamin said, swearing by Allah, the shadow of a smile on his face. “He said he’s willing to pay in installments if that’s what you want.”
Aliyah couldn’t keep from smiling. “What would I need with a million dollars?”
“How about we settle for a home in your name?” Benjamin said.
Aliyah started to refuse then thought the better of it. A home would be expensive, but it was definitely practical. “Okay…” she said tentatively. “But a simple home.”
“Sounds good,” Benjamin said, clasping his hands together then walking toward the door. When Aliyah didn’t follow, he looked behind him. “You coming?” he said. “This is your wedding, you know.”
***
After Salima had taken the children inside to watch a movie in the den then returned to be one of the witnesses, Jacob and Aliyah were married outside near the basketball court in Benjamin’s yard. The nikaah was so brief and simple that Aliyah wondered for a moment if it had really happened. Her uncle had merely stood in the center of the yard as Valerie alternated between smiling at Aliyah and managing the grill, and he’d asked Jacob and then Aliyah if they agreed to be married. When they both said yes, Benjamin asked if they had agreed upon the dowry, and when they said yes, he said, “Then as the wali of my niece, I announce in front of Allah and the witnesses today, that Jacob Bivens and Aliyah Thomas are husband and wife.”
Someone called out, “Takbir!” and everyone shouted “Allahu’akbar!” Or at least it sounded like everyone. Aliyah couldn’t be sure. She was so distracted by her excited disbelief that she was only vaguely registering what was happening around her.
“Go take a walk or something,”
Benjamin whispered to them before joining his wife at the grill.
***
Aliyah was overcome with shyness as Jacob took her hand and walked her to the house. Her face grew warm as she felt the strength and firmness of his hand holding hers, and her heart pounded in excitement. He let go of her hand briefly as he held the screen door open for her as she stepped inside. He gripped her hand again as the door closed behind them, both of them conscious that the children were in the house. Eyes cast down, Aliyah followed Jacob through the living room and out the front door. At the end of the walkway, hand-in-hand, they walked down the street.
They walked for some time until they came upon a wooded park and sat on a bench next to each other. Aliyah was grinning, but she was still unable to look Jacob in the eye.
“Tell me the rules,” she heard Jacob say as he continued to hold her hand. “I want you to be one hundred percent comfortable.” Even the sound of his voice sent her heart racing, and she wondered if she would last even one year living separately from him.
She shrugged, still avoiding his gaze. “We’ll take it one day at a time,” she muttered, surprised that she found her voice.
“No problem,” Jacob said. “I’ll do whatever is most comfortable for you.”
“Okay…” she said, a shy grin on her face as she looked at a patch of grass.
“But can you do me a favor?” Jacob said.
“Okay…”
“Can you look at me?”
Aliyah coughed laughter, but she still couldn’t look at him. A second later she felt his hand softly gripping her chin as he turned her face toward his. Hesitantly, she met his gaze, and he held her face between his palms.
“You are so beautiful, mashaAllah,” he said in soft voice, their gazes locked.
She cast her eyes down again, but he gently lifted her chin until she looked at him again.
“Can I kiss you?” he said.
Aliyah’s heart raced in embarrassment, and she instinctively glanced around her, making sure no one was around.
“I don’t mean right now,” Jacob said. “But whenever.”
Aliyah smiled and nodded. “Now is fine too,” she said, avoiding his eyes briefly.
A second later, she was wondering how she could have ever given up this beautiful moment for anything.
Chapter 23
A New Life
Aliyah held the door to the musallaa open as she watched Ibrahim pull off his shoes and place them on the designated shelf before walking swiftly to join the group of boys sitting on the carpet of the prayer area. Each boy held a Qur’an in his lap and recited quietly, the collective sound a melodious buzzing filling the masjid. A few boys rocked rhythmically back and forth in time with their murmured recitation. A smile lingered on Aliyah’s face as she stepped back and let the door to the prayer area close as she turned and walked toward the masjid exit.
“As-salaamu’alikum,” a female voice called out as she stepped outside that late August afternoon. Aliyah looked up and found Juwayriah approaching the main entrance, flanked by her son Bilal and two other children.
“Wa’alaiku-mus-salaam,” Aliyah replied, lifting a hand in greeting.
“Bilal,” Juwayriah said, her voice firm as she regarded her son, “take your brother and sister inside, and I’ll be there in a second insha’Allah.”
Aliyah halted her steps, sensing that Juwayriah wanted to talk to her about something.
“How’s Nikki?” Juwayriah said after the children disappeared behind the door. Her forehead was creased in concern as she met Aliyah’s gaze.
“Nikki?” Aliyah shook her head in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“She had her baby a couple of days ago.”
“She did?” Aliyah furrowed her brows. “I thought she wasn’t due yet.”
“She wasn’t,” Juwayriah said with a frown. “She and the baby are still in the hospital.”
“I had no idea…”
“It’s okay.” Juwayriah waved her hand dismissively and shrugged. “I was just wondering if you’d heard anything. I haven’t had time to stop by the hospital to check on her. But last I heard, they seem to be doing okay.”
In her car, Aliyah considered texting Matt to ask about Nikki then stopped herself, thinking she should probably mention the issue to Jacob first. At the reminder that she was married, a smile toyed at her lips. It was still hard to believe. And now Ibrahim had a brother…or sister.
As Aliyah guided the car out of the masjid parking lot and headed to work, she wondered what she would do about her job as a college professor. Aliyah wanted to be a stay-at-home mother, especially now that Ibrahim was technically homeschooled, but she wasn’t sure that it was wise to resign right away. Her tendency to overthink everything was probably making her paranoid, but she couldn’t bring herself to relax in the knowledge that Jacob would take care of all her needs. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Jacob. In only the few weeks they’d been married thus far, he had given her enough money to pay her rent for the entire year. But there was always that crippling What if? gnawing at the back of her mind.
What if something happens? What if Jacob gets fired? What if he loses all his money? What if Deanna gets out of jail and wreaks havoc in our lives?
What if Jacob divorces me?
Aliyah knew the last question was the most irrational of all. But it was only in the last few days that she was able to fully admit to herself that she was still getting over the shock from what had happened with Matt. Before the divorce, Aliyah had believed that Muslim men genuinely cared about Muslim women, or at least that the good ones did. Even after everything that happened between them, Aliyah didn’t think of Matt as a “bad Muslim,” so she couldn’t make sense of why he’d treated her like he did. What kind of man divorces his wife just because his other wife asked him to? Or maybe Matt never wanted to be married to Aliyah in the first place.
Jacob is not Matt.
At the reminder, the anxiety loosened in her chest.
“You don’t have to resign if you don’t want to,” Jacob had told her a couple of days ago. “I arranged your schedule so that you have only morning and early afternoon classes.”
Jacob’s words had given her a sense of calm and relief. “Thank you,” she’d muttered through the phone, nearly exhaling the words. “I just don’t know if I’m ready yet…”
“We can hire a private tutor for Ibrahim,” he’d told her, his voice reassuring. “If you want,” he’d added quickly, and Aliyah sensed he was hoping he hadn’t offended her by the offer. He hadn’t. She’d understood exactly what he meant. If she was going to be working fulltime, she might not have the energy to teach Ibrahim every subject.
Jacob’s car was already in the faculty parking lot when Aliyah arrived to the college that Monday morning. It was the first day of classes, as it was for most schools and colleges in the area. Despite her decision to keep her job for the time being, Aliyah couldn’t deny that she felt a marked sense of detachment from the college as she guided her car into a space near Jacob’s. For each of the previous academic terms (spring, fall, and summer), Aliyah had come to work with a sense of anxiousness and uncertainty. She had been worried about her schedule, who the students would be, and if she’d impress her supervisor, colleagues, and students. But today, Aliyah was worried about none of these things. Even as she walked toward the college entrance, her mind was on Ibrahim’s homeschooling curriculum and talking to Jacob after work. Right then, the only work-related concern she had was keeping her public relationship with Jacob professional.
“Good morning, Professor Thomas,” Dr. Warren said as they passed in the hall after Aliyah swiped her badge to sign-in.
“Good morning, Dr. Warren,” Aliyah replied, surprised by how genuinely carefree she felt upon greeting her supervisor. There was definitely something to say for psychological freedom, Aliyah thought to herself. She no longer felt bound to this job, and that was a good sign. Marrying Jacob had given her the internal emancipat
ion she had sought for almost two years. Perhaps this was why marriage was half the religion. When you were paired with the right person, marriage provided the unfettering from worldly captivity and offered the spiritual and psychological freedom to focus on what was most important in life.
Aliyah unlocked her office, and as she pushed the door open, she was struck with a feeling of reminiscence. It was as if she had already moved on and was reflecting on all she’d learned from her experience as a professor. She set down her purse and powered on her computer, wondering what this feeling meant. Would she go ahead and resign after all? In the back of her mind, there was the reminder of what she would be giving up: a steady, dependable income of her own; more job experience on her résumé; and tuition reimbursement for her doctorate studies.
At the thought of giving up the opportunity for a PhD, Aliyah settled into her desk chair and bit her lower lip. She wasn’t so sure that was a good idea. Perhaps she should stay at the college if only for this reason. Of course, she could obtain a doctorate even if she were not a professor there. But how would she pay for it? The likelihood of earning a full scholarship for her doctorate studies was slim, and she wasn’t inclined to ask Jacob’s assistance. Though she was sure he’d be more than willing to pay for her studies, she wondered if this was something she really wanted to use their own money for. She would rather use the money toward starting her own business, whenever that would be.
“Professor Thomas?”
Aliyah looked up and found Jacob standing in her doorway, the slightest hint of a smile on his face.
“Yes, Dr. Bivens?” she said, a grin twitching at her lips.
“I’m just doing my rounds to see if the professors in my department need anything.”
Aliyah nodded and glanced around her office. “I think I’m good.”
“You have any questions about your schedule or office hours?” Jacob asked.
