by Umm Zakiyyah
“What?”
“You also worked on your business fulltime,” Bryan continued, boredom in his voice. “And according to the uncontested divorce documents, you were less present with the children than Jacob was because of your numerous interviews, workshops, and traveling for speaking engagements.”
Deanna huffed, lifting her nose in annoyance.
“And Jacob also mentioned in the documents that at least one of your sons personally requested not to live with you when he found out that there was a chance for divorce.”
Deanna clenched her jaw, but she didn’t respond.
“I’m fully willing to argue for a better deal,” her attorney offered. “But if saving money is still a concern of yours, then I feel obligated to let you know you don’t have a strong case here. Even some of the videos of your interviews suggest that you have an uncontrollable temper that you’re barely keeping at bay. And I can’t say I disagree with your husband regarding the possibility of you suffering from an undiagnosed personality disorder.”
“I. Am. Not. Crazy,” Deanna said through gritted teeth.
“I didn’t say you were,” Bryan said. “I’m just telling you how all this will look to a judge. It’s definitely possible to argue your case to delay the divorce, but—”
“I didn’t say delay it,” Deanna interjected in annoyance. “I said cancel it.”
“—I don’t advise it,” he said. “If your husband is agreeing to leave all of your assets untouched, I think that’s a pretty good deal, considering his financial contributions to both the family and your business projects,” he said. “But we can push for alimony if you think—”
“I don’t want his money,” Deanna said, putting up a hand to stop Bryan mid-sentence. “I want Jacob.”
***
Deanna felt the screaming in her throat before she even reached the exit of the office building. She clamped down her teeth and breathed heavily, hurrying her steps to the glass exit doors and pushing a door open before anyone could ask what was wrong. The cold October air slapped her face, and she opened her mouth wide to breathe in the fresh air, her breaths audible and deliberate, as if she were suffering an asthma attack. Miraculously, that seemed to stifle the screams, and she broke into a slow jog to her car, continuing the deep breaths with her mouth wide open.
She pointed the keychain remote to her car then yanked open the door and let her body collapse into the front seat, still breathing audibly. But as soon as she shut the car door, a shrilling scream escaped her throat. She fumbled with her keys before putting the correct one into the ignition and starting the car. Engine idling, she quickly stabbed at the controls to the radio and held down the button for the volume until the fuzzy music was almost as loud as her screams.
Deanna had no idea how long she sat in that parking space screaming like a maniac, desperately sucking in her breath after each one. But tears were streaming down her face like rivers by the time she glanced behind her and put the car in reverse. As she backed out of the space, her heart was pounding erratically, her screaming now repetitive moans.
Just give him the f—ing divorce, an angry voice said in her head. Then make him regret it.
***
“But we don’t have to wait for the legal divorce if you don’t want to,” Aliyah said, her soft hands squeezing his as she looked up at him Tuesday evening from where she stood in front of him in the foyer of her apartment.
Jacob looked away from her. He couldn’t stand the innocent kindness he saw in her eyes. It was probably a bad idea for him to have come. Though Larry said it was no problem for him to hang out with Younus and Thawab at Jacob’s house, Jacob knew that being in Aliyah’s presence was too difficult for him. But he needed her comfort right then, and hearing her voice on the phone was not enough.
“But I do want to wait,” Jacob said, aggravated with himself. “I want everything to be right for you. You don’t deserve to be dragged into this. This is my life, and you didn’t choose it.”
Aliyah shook her head then placed her hands on the short hair of his cheeks. “This is our life,” she said, holding Jacob’s gaze. “And I did choose it.”
“That’s all the more reason to make sure everything is perfect for you,” Jacob said. “I just wish there was some way we could just—” He huffed and pursed his lips, too upset to even finish his thought.
“SubhaanAllah,” he said seconds later, a trace of aggravation still in his voice. “This really makes me appreciate the wisdom of Allah.
“I know…” Aliyah said sympathetically, her soft hands still on the hair of his closely-cropped beard.
“Divorce shouldn’t be a fight.” Jacob grunted. “I did everything I could to just be free of her. What else does she want?”
“Deanna isn’t a rational person,” Aliyah said. “You can never know what’s going through her mind, so it’s not worth trying to figure it out.”
***
Apologize to Aliyah. Standing and hovering over the desk in her room, Deanna angrily picked up a pen and scribbled out Aliyah’s name then ripped the page from the notebook, crumpled the paper in her fist then threw it across the room.
“I’m not apologizing to anyone!” Deanna yelled. She then let the chair receive her weight and folded her arms defiantly.
YOU CAN BE A BETTER PERSON!
Annoyed, she reached for the book and turned it over, slamming the face of it on her desk so she wouldn’t have to read the cover.
Then pray…
At the reminder that she hadn’t offered a single obligatory prayer that day, Deanna’s shoulders slumped in exhaustion. What was the point? It wasn’t like Allah was going to give Jacob back to her if she suddenly became a good Muslim.
I want to be a better person. It was more an aching longing from somewhere deep in her heart than an annoying voice in her head. Deanna felt a whimper crawl in her throat as she realized that she genuinely did want to be better. She just didn’t know where to begin. She had no idea what was even wrong with her. Exhausted from the mere thought of making so many changes, she stood and dragged herself to the bathroom for wudhoo’.
***
Jacob’s legs folded beneath him after he tore the contents from the FedEx package Saturday morning and saw Deanna’s signature on the revised divorce papers. He had already signed the revision himself, so her signature made the divorce final.
Initially his lawyer had thought that he and Deanna would have to meet in person for the signature and counter signature because Deanna kept going back and forth. And Jacob had been prepared to do that if that was the price of his freedom. But Tuesday he had begun to lose hope after his lawyer had told him that Deanna wanted to make marriage counseling a condition for the divorce. He hadn’t gotten a full night’s sleep since then, and he was fighting a migraine each day at work due to stress. But despite the despair threatening to tear him apart, he prayed to Allah each night in Qiyaam al-Layl, begging Allah to forgive him and to free him from Deanna.
Hunched over on his knees, Jacob held onto the side of the couch with one hand as he tried to catch his breath, still grasping the stack of divorce papers with his other hand. Tears stung his eyes, and he immediately let go of the papers and fell into sujood, his head resting on the carpeted floor in gratefulness to Allah. His shoulders shook, and his voice came out as a moaning whine as he muttered prayers to Allah.
When he sat up and leaned his back against the bottom of the couch, his face was still moist with tears and his breaths were still audible. But he felt a smile of relief forming on his face. Elated that Allah had answered his prayers, Jacob made the firm intention to give money in charity. As the reality of what had just happened settled over him, he felt life come back to his limbs, and he pushed himself to a standing position so he could call Aliyah.
“Alhamdulillah!” Aliyah exclaimed as soon as he told her.
“I know,” Jacob said, unable to keep from grinning. “It’s still hard to believe.”
“This is really
good news, mashaAllah,” Aliyah said, and he could hear the smile in her voice.
“I know…” he said again because he didn’t know what else to say.
“I have good news too,” Aliyah said, excitement in her voice.
“What?” Jacob said, smiling curiously.
“I restart my PhD program in January insha’Allah.”
“So they sent you the acceptance letter?”
“Yes.”
“May Allah bless it for you.” He chuckled. “So I guess this means you’re keeping your job at the college, huh?”
“Definitely insha’Allah,” she said, excitement in her voice. “At least until I have my doctorate degree in hand.”
“I’m just happy you’re not so stressed about it anymore.”
“I am too,” Aliyah said sincerely. “I guess this made me realize how much I actually like my job,” she said. “I don’t think I could just give up on my students like that.”
An extended silence followed, as neither knew what to say.
“Soooo,” Aliyah said, slight teasing in her voice as she stretched out the word, “what now?”
Jacob creased his forehead, a curious smile on his face. “What do you mean, what now?”
“You know…” Aliyah said, shyness in her tone. “With us.”
Jacob smiled wide. “Well, the ball’s in your court on that one,” he said. “I’m still willing to wait your required year.”
He heard Aliyah sigh thoughtfully. “I don’t know if I want to anymore,” she said sincerely. “I realize now that I was just afraid of the unknown, you know?”
“I understand,” Jacob said. “But give it some thought, okay?”
Aliyah coughed laughter. “I think I’ve given it enough thought,” she said, conviction in her tone. “I think we’ve waited long enough. Any longer and I think I’ll just get frustrated.”
“As long as you’re sure…” Jacob said uncertainly.
“I’m sure.”
“Then let’s take a vacation somewhere.”
Aliyah sighed empathetically. “You don’t have to go through all of that, Jacob, really. To me, it’s enough of a vacation to know that we’re free from Deanna.”
“I know,” he said tentatively, “but I’ve given this a lot of thought myself, and I don’t want you to be burdened with living in Deanna’s old house. I want us to start anew.”
“You plan to sell the house?” Aliyah asked, surprise in her tone.
“Yes, insha’Allah,” Jacob said. “I’m already looking at some other properties.”
“Well, my lease isn’t up until February,” Aliyah said, “so I’m fine living at my apartment until then.”
“Then we can plan a honeymoon in the meantime,” he said.
The sound of Aliyah giggling made him smile.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll pick something simple. I know you don’t want anything extravagant.”
“Thank you,” she said, gratefulness in her voice.
“And of course Larry is fine watching the boys for us.”
“You already asked him?” Aliyah sounded surprised.
“Not for this specifically, but he told me he’s willing to if we ever want to get away for the weekend or something.”
“MashaAllah, may Allah bless him.”
“Ameen,” Jacob said sincerely. “I’m really blessed to call him family.”
Aliyah didn’t immediately respond, and Jacob sensed that Aliyah was thinking about her own family. “I wish I knew how that felt…” Aliyah said, her voice sad and reflective. “I feel like an orphan.”
Jacob grew sad for Aliyah. “I’ll do what I can to make you happy, bi’idhnillah,” he said and meaning it. “I can’t imagine how it feels to be going through that.”
“Allah tests everyone in different ways,” she said, her voice a sigh. “But alhamdulillah.” She sounded slightly more cheerful. “I do have you.”
“And I you, alhamdulillah,” Jacob said with a smile, his heart filling with so much happiness that he wished he could hug her through the phone.
Chapter 31
A Beautiful Name
“That’s a huge blessing, you know,” Larry said, “growing up Muslim.”
“Yes, alhamdulillah, it is,” Salima said noncommittally. “But I think anyone’s path to Islam is a huge blessing, mashaAllah.”
“Isn’t there a hadith about the person who grows up Muslim being under Allah’s Shade on the Day of Judgment?”
Salima smiled into the cordless phone from where she sat curled up on the couch of her living room early Saturday morning in mid-November. Jamil and Haroon were still sleeping after having gone back to bed after Fajr, but Salima had stayed awake after prayer, anticipating Larry’s call. The after-Fajr early morning phone call had become their weekend routine after Larry had texted Salima one Sunday morning after he’d prayed Fajr in the masjid, asking if she was awake. And she had been, though she had awakened only to make sure that Jamil and Haroon were up for prayer since she hadn’t been able to pray that week. She hadn’t even realized she’d left her phone on the night before until she heard the chiming alert indicating an incoming text message after returning to her room.
“Yes, there is actually,” Salima said. “But the hadith isn’t only about a person who grows up worshipping Allah. It’s about seven categories of people who’ll be under Allah’s Shade.” She grinned. “And one of them is a man whose heart is attached to the masjid.”
Salima could almost see the smile of recognition on Larry’s face. “Oh yeah,” he said, “I remember that now.”
“And who knows?” she said. “That could be you.”
Larry chuckled self-consciously. “I don’t know about that…”
“And there’s another hadith,” Salima said, “about the double reward of the Christian who believed in Jesus, peace be upon, then accepts Islam.”
“Really?” Larry sounded genuinely surprised.
“Oh, you’d be surprised the endless rewards that exist for believers from every background,” Salima said teasingly. “There are even rewards for simply moving your tongue.”
“Moving your tongue?” There was laughter in Larry’s voice.
“In dhikr,” she said. “Like saying subhaanAllaahi wa bihamdi wa subhaanAllaahil-‘atheem. The Prophet, sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam, said these words are light on the tongue but heavy on the Scale.”
“What does it mean?”
“A loose translation is, ‘Highly glorified is Allah and praise to Him, and Highly glorified is Allah, the All-Mighty.’”
“And reciting Qur’an too, right?”
“Absolutely,” Salima said, laughter in her voice. “That’s at the top of the list. Every letter that you recite earns you ten blessings each.”
“MashaAllah,” Larry said, admiration in his voice. “Then you must get millions of blessings, knowing the whole Qur’an and teaching it.”
A reflective smile lingered on Salima’s face, but she felt sad all of a sudden. She was thinking about Mikaeel and their two children, and how shocked and terrified she felt the moment she found out about the accident. She thought about Kalimah and what she must be going through. She thought about her sins of the tongue and the limbs, in being a believer who had been so full of Allah’s blessings that she thought she had the right to dictate how they were manifested in other people’s lives.
“I hope so,” Salima said quietly, her breath catching as tears filled her eyes.
There was an extended pause, and Salima sensed Larry’s concern through the phone. “Are you okay?” he said.
Salima forced laughter. “I’m fine,” she said, taking a ragged breath. “It’s just—” She quickly wiped her eyes then took a moment to steady her breathing. “It’s just I get a bit emotional sometimes,” she said, finding her voice. “Sometimes everything just hits me all at once, you know?” She coughed laughter as fresh tears sprung to her eyes and she wiped them away. “We’re so ungrateful, astaghfirullah.
”
“Astaghfirullah,” Larry muttered.
“You know how they say, ‘The more you have, the more you think you deserve; and the less you have, the less it takes to make you thankful’?”
“Yes.”
“Well…” Salima huffed, humor in that sound. “It’s true.”
“That’s a hard trap to not fall into,” Larry said reflectively.
“But why?” Salima said, narrowing her eyes as if confounded. “I mean, you’d think…” She sighed and shook her head, letting her thoughts go unfinished.
“I know,” Larry agreed. “That’s one thing Aliyah taught me.”
At the mention of her friend, Salima stiffened in annoyance. Larry had never given Salima a completely forthcoming explanation as to what had happened between him and Aliyah. More than anything, he’d been consistently dismissive of the topic, and that nagged Salima to no end. She hated that it bothered her so much, but she really wanted to know if his heart was attached to someone else, even if only marginally. “Aliyah?” she repeated, hoping she sounded as lighthearted as she intended.
She heard Larry laugh self-consciously. “I don’t mean Aliyah the person,” he said. “I mean Aliyah the experience.”
“There’s a difference?” Salima said in lighthearted sarcasm.
“For me there is,” Larry said.
Salima drew her eyebrows together. “What do you mean?”
“I never got to know Aliyah the person,” Larry said. “And frankly, I’m glad I didn’t.”
Salima winced at the harshness of his words. She wasn’t so sure it was right to hear what he had to say about her friend, but she felt relief nonetheless. At least the question of Aliyah was a little less mysterious. “Ouch,” she said, laughter in her voice, hoping Larry took the subtle hint to take it easy on Aliyah.
