Family fucking Fortunes?
You’re in Hell.
It’s supposed to
be annoying.’
The more I struggle, the quicker I sink. My weekly exes watch uncaring from the sidelines as the porridge gobbles me up. Barry rushes forwards with his arms outstretched, before a feisty barb strikes his balding forehead, and then WHIP!! he disappears, in a puff of odd-sock-scented smoke. I consider grabbing for Stevie’s legs, but I don’t want to pull him into the maelstrom. I scream, ‘Where am I going??’
Lucifer cracks up. Outside, the audience are in stitches too, pressing their hardened, criminal faces up against the bars again. Holding his belly, Lucifer announces:
‘You’re going back
to Hell! That’s
the idea behind
eternal damnation, love.’
‘Egh?’ I gasp, trying to keep my chin above the surface.
‘And that means
you too, Grim
Reader. Turn
back to page 413,
and start fucking
reading again!’
Lucifer stares up at your moon eyes and sneers. I’m so, so sorry, fair, impartial Reader. It was probably bad enough reading Lucifer’s excruciating infamy just the once, let alone re-re-re-reading it infinitely. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than turn back to page 413, but I still need your help. Don’t leave me!
I let out a blood-curdling gurgle, as my whole head is sucked under the swirling sea of sawdust. Then, I find myself falling. As it turns out, the bottomless pit was bottomless, after all. Or, at least, it’s bottomless with a short stop-off in Hell every forty days, like being stuck on a Möbius strip with a fag burn in it.
I hope you’re not mad at me. Sorry in advance/hindsight for calling you a prick on page 452. You’re not a bad sort, and it’s not your fault we’re in this infernal, infinite predicament. Just remember to shut the fucking book next time I tell you, though, won’t you?
WHIP!!
NOT THE END
* Evil, as it turned out.
Acknowledgements
Thank you: family and friends, Leyla Asadi, Will Atkinson, Lisa Baker, Bare Bones, Natalie Boxall, Luke Brown, Peter Cleak, Company of Angels, Pia Conaghan, Jona Cox, Crossing Border, Kevin Cummins, Jo Cundall, Rob Dabrowski, Beckie Darlington, Kate Davies/Science Ltd, Beth Davis, Sara Dennis, Greg Eden, everyone at Faber and Faber, Neal Fox/Le Gun, Helen Francis, Lizzie Francke, It’s Nice That, Laurence Johns/Amuti, Tim Jonze, Vinita Joshi, Carrie Kania, Lauren Laverne, Caspar Llewellyn Smith, Claire Malcolm/New Writing North, Philip Maughan, Paul McGee, Jim and Chris McGuinness, the mighty Milwards, mima, Mary Morris, David Mullett, Patrick Neate/Book Slam, Andy Neil, Northern Stage, Stephen Page, Nikki Parrott/Tigerlily Films, Rebecca Pearson, Jo Phillips/.Cent, Bradley Quirk, John Retallack, Robin Sheppard, Michael Signorelli, Gavin Smith, Rod Stanley/Dazed & Confused, Cathryn Summerhayes/WMA, Tristan Summerscale/Notes from the Underground, Becky Thomas, Andy Thompson/Brucey Ripper Band, Annabel Turpin/ARC, Irvine Welsh, Erica Whyman, and sorry to anybody I’ve forgotten. Thanks also to the cast of the Apples play: Jade Byrne, Dylan Edge, Abigail Moffatt, Therase Neve, Louis Roberts, Scott Turnbull.
Special thanks to Lee Brackstone and Trevor Horwood, for whipping this many-headed beast into shape. And thanks to the Reader, for rolling with it.
About the Author
Richard Milward was born in Middlesbrough in 1984, where he now lives and works. His debut, Apples, was published in 2007, and his second novel, Ten Storey Love Song, in 2009, both to huge critical acclaim. He graduated from Byam Shaw at Central St Martins in 2008 with a Fine Art degree, and is currently working on his next novel.
By the Same Author
Apples
Ten Storey Love Song
Copyright
First published in 2012
by Faber and Faber Limited
Bloomsbury House
74–77 Great Russell Street
London WC1B 3DA
This ebook edition first published in 2012
All rights reserved
© Richard Milward, 2012
The right of Richard Milward to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
ISBN 978–0–571–28403–0
Kimberly's Capital Punishment Page 41
