I shook my head. “Uh, no. That’s not it. It’s . . . well . . . I guess I wanted to take my mind off everything. You know what I’m like. Being at work helps me forget. It’s probably why I work so hard. And anyway, I hate neglecting this place.”
“But where is Sloan?” Harold asked and looked around.
“Ah, she’s gone.”
“Gone? Back to New York?”
“I guess so.”
“Brady, come with me,” Harold said after a while.
We walked to the front of the ranch and he told me to wait on the porch. I had a feeling a serious conversation was coming up because the porch was Harold’s thinking spot. I sat down and waited for him, wondering where he had gone to. When he came back, he was carrying two steaming mugs of sweet tea. I smiled and took it from him.
“I know it won’t take away your problems, but I think it might help.”
I took a sip. “Hey, this isn’t bad, actually.”
“That’s a compliment coming from a coffee drinker like yourself. I gave some to Sloan once, and she also loved it.”
“She did? And she didn’t mind the sugar?”
He laughed. “Surprisingly not. So, speaking of Sloan, when are you going to tell me what happened?”
“Oh, uh, nothing happened. She’s just gone.”
Harold sighed. “You and I are so similar, Brady. But now that I’m older, I’m starting to realize that it’s good to share your problems with other people. I was so much like you when I was your age. I didn’t like to tell anyone what was going on in my head. I also had a lot of family issues, and I guess they’d always stayed with me, no matter where I went or what I did. I liked being the guy that kept his mouth shut. I thought it made me stronger. It’s only looking back now that I see how weak it actually made me. A strong person is not one that keeps everything to himself. A strong person has the guts to let someone else into their lives. And I know you and I have never had that kind of relationship. But that’s mostly because we’re both too stubborn to admit that we’re wrong. I never wanted to force you to talk to me, especially because I recognized so many of my own qualities in you. But maybe when I was younger I needed someone to tell me that I was wrong. You’re a good man, Brady. You’re the best worker I know, and you’re like the son I never had. And for once in your life, I’d like you to tell me what’s going on.”
I’d never heard Harold string together so many words at one time. I looked at him quickly and then looked back at my tea.
“Thanks, Harold. This is strange,” I said. “I’m not sure how to start.”
He laughed. “Strange isn’t always a bad thing. You’re just a little out of your comfort zone. But don’t worry, so am I. And you can start by just telling me why Sloan left.”
I took a deep breath and told him the whole story, about how the two of us had gotten close and how I’d started to fall in love with her. The only parts I left out were the fact that we’d had sex in the barn and in the field. He didn’t need to know those parts.
“The thing is, Harold, I actually started to believe that she loved me too. I really did. Which, I now realize was my biggest mistake in all of this. That is the one thing that I should’ve known not to do, but I went and did it anyway.”
“Why would that be a mistake? Surely there’s nothing wrong with falling in love with someone? It’s only natural.”
“Oh come on, Harold. I shouldn’t fool myself. Look at Sloan. She’s a beautiful actress from New York City. She has an exciting life, a beautiful loft apartment and more money than I could ever imagine. Then look at me. I’m just a small-town country boy. I don’t care about fancy apartments. I don’t care about making more money than I know what to do with. I just enjoy being outside, and working hard. I like my life to be simple. She likes complication. I didn’t even like her when I first met her, and from what she’s said, she didn’t like me either. You’ve never met two people that are more different from the two of us. Why did I ever think that it might work?”
“But that’s where you’re wrong, Brady. Since when do people have to be the same to be in love? You both bring something different to the table. And you can’t force yourself to love someone you don’t have feelings for. You also can’t force yourself to un-love someone that you do have feelings for. The fact that you didn’t like each other to start with and you both ended up falling in love with each other only proves that you were meant to be together. You both had walls up, and you both saw right through them.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. But I felt like I gave her everything while she gave me absolutely nothing in return. Nothing. Do you know that I never once asked her why she had come back? I mean, clearly something is going on. I know that. I know something big has happened and that she’s run away from it all. But I just accepted her without asking her anything. She gave me nothing back. If she really loved me as much as I loved her, then she would’ve told me what was going on. She wouldn’t have shut me down like that.”
“Is that why you asked her to leave?” he asked.
“No, it wasn’t because of that. I was willing to be with her despite not knowing. I asked her to leave because I walked in on her talking to someone on the phone and telling them that she’d be back on Monday. That’s why she left. She was never going to stay here. I was just a place for her to run away to. But I wasn’t anything more. I never was.”
“I know how hard this has been for you. I wish she’d just told you about everything, but you should know more than anyone that it’s not always easy to open up. Sloan has a lot going on right now. Probably more than you or I could ever imagine. She does come from a different world, and I don’t think you realize how tough that is for her. She does one thing wrong, and the whole world is against her. Can you imagine how that must feel for her? She’s a good woman, Brady. I know it. You know it. And you were probably the only person that she could be with that didn’t judge her. That’s probably why she didn’t say anything to you. You were the person that she needed. Just by being there.”
I sighed. “I hate it when you’re right,” I said.
Harold chuckled. “It’s always easy when you’re not the one in the situation. Don’t beat yourself up about this, Brady. You’re only struggling because you finally let someone into your heart. It’s a tricky business, this love thing.”
“Did you love your wife?” I asked suddenly.
“I loved her more than you could ever imagine.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me that? You made it seem like you were better off without her. I always thought that you and I were the kind of men that didn’t need a woman in our lives.”
“I’m sorry, Brady. I shouldn’t have said all those things. I only did it to make myself feel better. But you see, it didn’t work. Being closed up and angry doesn’t work. I miss my wife every single day. I don’t want you to be like me. A bitter and lonely man with far too many regrets. You don’t have to be that guy.”
“But it’s too late, Harold. She’s gone.”
“You said she was only going back on Monday.”
“Well, yeah, but I highly doubt she stuck around. Why would she? She’s probably in her apartment as we speak.”
“Are you sure about that?” Harold asked.
“I’m sure.”
“Really?”
I looked at Harold and frowned. He pointed to a car that had just pulled up into the driveway. I squinted out to see who it was. The door opened, and Sloan stepped out. She turned to say something to the driver, and then she closed the door and the car drove off. For a second, our eyes met, and we both froze on the spot.
Harold stood up as Sloan started to walk toward us.
“Good luck, my boy,” he said.
“Where are you going?”
“To make you both a cup of tea,” he said, and I smiled at him.
“Thanks, Harold.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Sloan
I stepped out o
f the car, told the driver that I would be in touch, and took a deep breath. I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to call the driver again, but I still had no idea how Brady was going to react to seeing me. There was a big chance that I would need to call him back. For a few seconds, we just stood there staring at each other. He was too far away for me to make out what he was thinking, but at least he hadn’t walked away. I saw Harold walk off and I slowly made my way to Brady.
“Hey,” I whispered quietly.
“Hey,” he said back.
“I thought you’d be here. I went to your house first, but when you weren’t there, I decided to come here.”
He shrugged. “Where else would I be? I thought you’d left.”
I shook my head. “I wanted to talk to you. I’ve been going out of my mind. I want to start off by saying how sorry I am that I didn’t let you in on anything. It’s not always easy for me to talk about myself. But I should’ve at least let you in. Mind if I sit?”
He scooted over slightly. “Of course.”
I sat down. He didn’t seem too happy with me, but at least he was talking to me. At least he hadn’t told me to leave. We sat in silence for a little while as I gathered my thoughts. I looked up as I heard Harold walk up to us. He was carrying two cups of tea. He handed me one and smiled at me.
“It’s good to see you again, Sloan.”
“You too, Harold. Tea?”
He smiled and nodded. “Of course. I’ll leave the two of you alone. I need to get going, anyway. Brady, lock up when you leave, okay?”
Brady nodded. “Of course. Thanks, Harold.”
I took a sip of the sweet drink. The liquid felt good going down my throat. “This stuff is like magic. I honestly don’t think I’d enjoy it from any other person than Harold.”
Brady smiled for the first time. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I don’t even like tea usually. But this is great. And Harold is a good man. This is my second cup today. He obviously thinks I need it. It’s good to see you again, Sloan. I’m sorry about the way things ended. I shouldn’t have told you to leave. I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. I’m so sorry.”
I looked at him in surprise. I hadn’t expected him to apologize to me. “Don’t say sorry. It’s me who should say sorry, not you. You were nothing but nice to me the whole time. You were the nicest person to me. You and Harold. You’re both amazing.”
“Yeah, but I don’t make tea like this,” he said.
I chuckled. “No, but you do make the best coffee. I get the best of both worlds when I’m with the two of you. Hey, thanks for sitting with me.”
“You okay?” he asked.
Trust Brady to think of me before thinking of himself. I took a sip of the magical tea and shook my head. “Not really. But I want to tell you everything.”
“You don’t have to, Sloan. I don’t want you to think that you have to tell me. If you don’t want to, it’s okay.”
I smiled at him. “I want to tell you.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“I grew up poor,” I started. “My father left my mother and I to fend for ourselves. He took everything. He wasn’t a very nice man, from what I heard. I don’t remember him at all. I was too young at the time. All I know is that my mother put me first in everything. She worked so hard just to make a living and to make sure that I could go to school and lead a normal life. She was always tired, but she was always smiling. I don’t know how she did it, Brady. She was a brave woman.”
“So are you,” he said.
“I don’t know. Not like her. But she was such an amazing mother to me, and such a good person. I used to get so angry that she didn’t get a lucky break in life when other people seemed to get everything just handed to them on a silver platter. I made a promise to myself when I was younger that I would make money and help my mother. I promised myself that one day we wouldn’t be poor anymore. I was sick and tired of everything going wrong in our lives. My mother deserved more than that. And so I worked hard. I refused to accept my life as it was, and I worked harder than anyone around me. I did so well in school. I was a top student, you know,” I said and smiled at the memory. It had been a happy time in my life, and that feeling of finally accomplishing something would always stick with me.
“That’s cool.”
“Yeah,” I said proudly. “And when I finished school, I applied to get into Yale. And I got accepted. It was one of the best moments of my life. My mother was so happy for me. I’d never seen her so happy. But . . . I didn’t go to Yale.”
“You didn’t?”
I saw the look of confusion on his face, and I sighed. “I know I told you that I did. But that’s just what I told everyone. I never thought that anyone would actually look into that. I did get accepted, though. That part was true.”
“Why didn’t you go?” Brady asked.
I took another sip of the tea. I needed the strength to carry on. “Well,” I said. “My mother got sick. She got cancer, and I was there at the hospital when the doctor told her. I took the doctor aside afterward and asked him for a rundown on how much everything was going to cost. When the doctor gave me the amount, I knew without a doubt that my mother would never be able to afford it. I didn’t know what to do. Going away to Yale would mean leaving her to fend for herself. I couldn’t do that. So, I got a job as a waitress and promised to pay the bills myself. My mother wasn’t happy. She kept telling me to go to Yale. But I wouldn’t leave her. I lied and told her that they would let me start whenever I wanted, and the answer seemed to satisfy her a little. I promised her that I would go as soon as she was better. But she just kept getting worse, and the treatments kept getting more expensive. There was no way that I was going to be able to keep paying with my waitressing job.”
I paused and took a deep breath. Brady rubbed my leg and told me that everything was okay. I smiled at him. It was hard to talk about this, especially since I hadn’t told anyone before. But in a way, it was good to finally let it all out. I hadn’t realized how toxic it had started to become, keeping it all inside for so long.
“I’d always thought about being an actress, and so I decided to start looking for small roles that would help with the bills. But of course, nobody knew who I was, and I had no credentials at all behind me. Then, one day, I came across a job. A job that paid very well. I went in and auditioned, and I got the part. I couldn’t believe it. It was only when I went in the following week to start that I realized it was for a porn movie. I didn’t want to do it. But as soon as I tried to walk away, they told me how much they were going to pay me if I went through with it. And Brady, it was so much money. I’d have to waitress for at least six months to get what they were going to give me up front. So, I did it. I hated it, and I hated myself for doing it. But I did it. And I paid my mother’s bills. And it wasn’t the only one I did. I did three. Three awful movies doing three awful things to get three big paychecks. I hated myself more and more each time. But I told myself that I was doing it for my mother.”
Brady didn’t say anything, and I was too scared to look at him. I took the last sip of the tea and wondered where the magic had gone. “And then she died, Brady. She died. She died, and I did everything for nothing. I failed her, and I failed myself. The only thing that I’m grateful for is that she never knew what I did.”
Again Brady didn’t say anything, but now that I had started talking I could seem to stop. “And after that, I tried to get into the acting business again. But this time, as a real actress. And somehow, I got lucky. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was my determination to prove to my mother that I could do something with my life. Maybe they saw that in me. But someone gave me a chance, and I slowly made my way up the ladder. I didn’t tell anyone about my past. I made it seem like I had never known poverty, that I had gone to Yale, that I had never done anything as awful as those videos. I didn’t want anyone to know about the poor girl with the holes in her shoes who did the only thing that she thought she could at the time. And now, just like tha
t, everyone knows.”
“How do they know?” Brady asked, speaking for the first time in ages.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. All I know is that word has gotten out. No, not only word. The videos have gotten out, too. My agent fired me. She said she no longer wanted to work with someone like me. I’m too scared to talk to Roger in case he doesn’t want the film to come out anymore. Although this scandal will probably be great publicity. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I couldn’t be there anymore. So I came here.”
I heard Brady breathing deeply beside me. He couldn’t seem to find the words to say anything, and I knew that I had lost him, just like I had lost my career. I put the empty cup down and turned to face him.
“Brady, I’m so sorry about everything. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you; it was because I trusted you so much. It was because I didn’t want you to know about this side of me. I didn’t tell you because it felt so good to be liked for just being me, and not Sloan the actress, or Sloan with the scandals. But I should never have treated you the way that I did. I should’ve told you. I came back today to say thank you for everything that you did for me. I will never forget it, and I will never forget you.”
I stood up, my legs shaking so much I could barely stand. I was just about to walk away when Brady stopped me. He took my hand and I turned around.
“Stay.”
“What?”
“Stay,” he said again. “It’s not just you that needed me. I needed you too. Hell, I still need you. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But right now, I just want you to stay.”
I looked at him. Brady looked like he hadn’t slept in days. I reached out and touched his face, and I nodded.
Dirty Cowboy Page 20
