by Lucy Smoke
Bad Wishes
“Cass.” I glance up as Thayer walks in, synthetic cotton sweats hanging low on his hips. I blink at his naked chest, the lines of muscles distracting me from my thoughts more than his presence. “We’re having breakfast, you coming?”
“Yeah.” I move away from the window and trail behind him until we get to the kitchen. Everyone is already gathered—half of them, like Thayer, still in their pajamas.
I walk in slowly as Thayer takes a seat at the table and Noaz dishes up slivers of thin bread slices, coated in some sort of jam. Eating at Vincent’s, I feel like I’m eating for two. I mean, Penelope is, but geez, so much food.
“Good morning,” Aaron says, sliding over for me to take a seat next to him.
“Morning,” I mumble.
Noaz steps up and slides a plate my way. I thank him quietly and start chewing, vaguely listening to the conversations around me.
“–not a big deal–”
“–shouldn’t have brought it up–”
“He’s definitely gonna drive himself crazy if he doesn’t–”
I stop chewing. Looking around, I set my bread on the plate and perk up. “Where’s Levi?” All eyes land on me. Then, slowly, they drift away until only Aaron and Noaz meet my gaze.
“He’s not feeling well,” Aaron says.
Noaz sighs, giving Aaron a frown of disapproval. “Levi is in the training center, working off some steam,” Noaz answers. “He’s upset about our upcoming mission. Vincent’s moved the timetable up. We’re leaving next week.”
“Oh.” I look down at my bread. Aaron’s hands clench next to his plate as he shoots Noaz an enigmatic look. I push away from the table and move to stand. “I think I’m going to go check on him.”
Aaron reaches out and snags my wrist before I make it far. “He’s in a bad mood, Rocket,” he warns. “I’d give it a few hours. Let him work himself tired.”
“How long has he been down there?” I ask. Aaron remains quiet. I sigh. “Did he ever actually go to bed?” Aaron still doesn’t answer. “I appreciate the worry, Hercules, but I’ll take my chances.”
I feel their gazes on me as I abandon my breakfast and make my way into the hallway. I grimace as I reach the elevator, and glance to the side, at the stairs. It’s only a few minutes in the small metal box of death, I try to reason, slapping the key to call the elevator up. My left foot taps with nervous impatience as I wait.
The elevator arrives, and I step in, quickly slapping the “close doors” button before I can change my mind. I close my eyes and take deep breaths as I descend. Why am I doing this to myself? I wonder. Before, I would have just taken the stairs. Before I can further question my own motivations, the doors slide open. I bolt out of the elevator and head towards the training center.
I can hear the dull thuds of feet slapping against the mats. I turn the corner and there he is. Covered in sweat, glistening under the lighting of the cavernous training center, Levi looks like a demon. His eyes are dark as he jumps, lands, turns, squats, jumps, and lands again. If he hears me approaching, he ignores me. It isn’t until I’m standing right in front of him that he stops.
“What?” he demands.
“You’ve been in a foul mood for a while now.”
“So?” He wipes the sweat off his forehead with an equally sweaty forearm. It doesn’t erase it so much as smears it around, making his skin shine even brighter.
“I would have thought after you and Aaron talked that you’d feel better.”
“Yeah,” he snaps, irritated. “Thanks for that, by the way.”
“Why are you being an asshole?”
“I don’t know, Cass, why are you so afraid of the dark?”
“I’m not afraid of the dark.”
“You can’t sleep by yourself.”
I freeze. Awkward silence descends. My heart thumps in my chest as I roll my tongue in my cheek. “I didn’t know it bothered you.” My voice is quiet—much quieter than usual. I don’t like it, but I can’t seem to help it. “I’ll work on it.”
He huffs. “I don’t fucking care who you sleep with.”
“Then why bring it up?” Levi turns away, takes a step and then stops. He groans, flipping back towards me.
“I’m sorry, that was low. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.” Okay, maybe he did. But it’s whatever. Everything hurts me right now. I’m a fucking wreck. Maybe I deserve it.
“Bullshit, just take the fucking apology.”
“Fine.” We stare at each other. Once again, he groans.
“Shit, I’m not—Cass—you’re a troublemaker, you know that, don’t you?” This time, when he looks at me, I’m startled by the small grin on his face. Just a second ago, he was all dark and foreboding—what the fuck?
When he reaches for me, I take a step back. “You’re giving me whiplash,” I accuse. “Just tell me what’s going on.”
He sighs, dropping his arms. “It’s complicated.”
“So?”
Levi flips me another grin. “Fuck, you’re such a troublemaker.”
“So I’ve been told.”
“And a smartass.”
“It’s one of my best qualities.”
“Can’t argue with that,” he replies. “Fine, have a seat with me?” He reaches out once again and waits.
I take his hand, and Levi leads me over to a section of unused mats, stacked in the corner. I look up at the height, but before I can contemplate crawling up, Levi wraps his palms around my waist and lifts me.
“Have you lost weight?” he asks. “I could have sworn you were heavier.” I punch him in the shoulder when he manages to seat himself on the stack as well.
“Asshole,” I mutter.
He chuckles, rubbing his arm. “I’m just teasing. But seriously, though, I would have thought you’d be putting a few pounds on—you need it.”
“It’s the stress,” I say. “Besides, my weight or lack thereof is not what we’re talking about.”
Levi puts his hands up, palms out, in surrender. “Okay, okay, you’re right.”
I wait.
“Fuck,” Levi hisses out the word and tilts, his hands brushing by me to keep him sitting upright as he leans back on them. “I don’t want to go back to Basra,” he says.
I’m not quite sure if he wants me to answer, so I remain silent. I let him work through what he wants to say and eventually, he goes on.
“Most people know it as the resort city, that’s what it’s known for. The wealthy go there to get away from… whatever makes their goddamn lives so fucking awful. But Basra has its problems. It has poverty. If you don’t work for the tourist department of employment, you’re almost guaranteed to be poor.”
Levi’s expression is distant. Though he’s sitting right here next to me, he looks across the room as though he’s gazing into a different time, a different place, one that I’ve never been to before. One that he doesn’t seem to remember well. I put my hand over his, and he jerks before looking down, as if surprised. Then he looks over to me and his lips twitch up as if by force of will. “It wasn’t so bad, really. I was just hotheaded–”
“So, nothing’s changed then?”
He truly smiles then, taking my hand in his own and squeezing. “Nah, not really.”
“Tell me more,” I insist. I like this—this closeness between us. I shuffle across the stack of mats until I lean into his side, keeping his hand in mine as I rest my cheek against his shoulder. Exhaustion pulls at me—days of little to no sleep is catching up with me. But I have to stay awake. I want to hear the rest.
“Well, you already know that I fight–”
“Aaron said you didn’t really care for it.”
Levi grimaces. “He’s right, but he’s not completely right. In a lot of ways, I do hate fighting. It’s rough—on the mind and the body—but, in the same way, it allows me a certain freedom. I have control in the ring. It makes me feel powerful. It can be a very dangerous drug, if I
let it. It can become addictive.”
I frown but can’t find the energy to tilt my head back to look up at him, so I sigh and let my gaze drift to the floor. “How did you get sent to Tartarus, then? If fighting was legal on Basra–”
“Not all fighting,” he corrects. “Only fighting for entertainment. I don’t really care for that. Entertainment. I like being in the ring. I like the fight, the challenge. But fighting to entertain? It feels… I don’t know.” Levi’s shoulders move as he lifts his other arm towards his head and rubs a hand through his short crop of light brown, copper hair. “It doesn’t feel as real as it would if there was no one else around. That’s what I don’t like about it. But I do need it.”
“So, you were fighting illegally on Basra? That’s how you came to Tartarus?” If most people who came to Tartarus from other cities were exiles, then that had to mean he broke the law.
“Still… not quite,” he answers. This time, I have to lean back and look at him. Levi sits up straighter as I pull away from his arm and shoulder.
“I’m confused,” I admit. “You were sent to Tartarus, weren’t you? You didn’t just come here because you could?” No one in their right mind would come to Tartarus unless they were forced to. Even Archie—he came here because he was scared for his life—an understandable fear, since now he’s dead. Likely assassinated if Noaz is right, and from what I know of Noaz, he usually is.
“I joined an enforcer program,” Levi says.
My eyes widen. I can’t imagine it. Levi as an enforcer. Wearing the uniforms, parading around the city with his city issued gun and taser. Wait. I wonder if things are different for enforcers on the other cities. I figure the other cities, like Basra, probably don’t have nearly as much crime as Tartarus does. I mean, Tartarus is known as the city of criminals, after all.
“Yeah,” he chuckles at my expression. “Not exactly the wisest course of action I know—Haze reacted the same way when he found out.”
“And Aaron?” I ask, curious.
Levi laughs—full and hearty. He laughs so hard his shoulders shake and he has to put a hand over his abs. “That asshole didn’t even bat an eyelash,” he finally says, wiping tears from his eyes. I’m not surprised. Nothing seems to phase him. Or Noaz for that matter. “Thayer thought it was funny as hell.”
I shake my head. Again, why am I not surprised?
“Okay,” I say, pulling him back to the topic at hand. “So, how did you go from enforcer training to Tartarus? Seems like a pretty big leap to me.”
“How did you go from being Kida’s doppelganger to being yourself?” I can tell he regrets the words as soon as they’re out. He hisses and reaches for me. “Sorry.” Levi pulls me close once more. “I’m sorry, that was insensitive.”
A part of me wants to tell him that he’s been pretty insensitive anyway, lately, what’s one more? But that would be cruel. And I find that I don’t want to be cruel with him. Not after everything I’ve done—like outing him to Aaron when I was drunk. I pull back slightly and give him a wan smile. “It’s okay,” I say. “Consider it payback.”
“Payback?” He frowns.
“I—what happened the other night, I’m sorry. I know I made you feel uncomfortable and I, uh, I know I haven’t exactly been the easiest to be around lately. So… don’t worry about it.”
The frown remains.
“Cass…” In the background, a loud, echoing bang makes me jump. But it’s just the air conditioner kicking on. Back in my old pod complex, the air conditioner was always on the fritz. I’m not used to hearing one turn on so suddenly—or at all really. Levi sighs, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand. He reopens his eyes and looks back down at me, a look of determination sliding across his face, surprising me. He grips both of my arms and shakes his head. “Such a damn troublemaker.”
Before I can say anything more, he leans forward and presses his mouth to mine. I blink in pure shock for a few seconds, my eyes open and looking into his. Maybe it should be uncomfortable, kissing someone with your eyes wide open, but with Levi, I think I kind of like it. His lips are full and warm. It’s almost as if they’re just resting against mine, waiting for me to make the next move. So, I do.
I close my eyes, and part my lips.
Levi groans, his fingers digging into my upper arms. I don’t know if he, too, closes his eyes, but I do know that he sinks into my mouth with his tongue, twining it with my own. Our breaths intermingle. Our heartbeats thud against each other’s chests. I press closer, wanting to feel his warmth, wanting to feel needed, desired, loved.
I gasp when Levi’s hands move down my arms, circling my wrists, drawing them up and over his shoulders. My fingers link together behind his neck as I press myself closer, losing myself in him, in his touch as he slides his hands back down my sides over the curves of my hips until his fingers grip me tight and yank me up and over him. Our mouths separate as my legs swing over his thighs and I find myself straddling him. Both of us are breathing heavy as we pause, looking at each other—trying to determine if this is where we stop? Or do we keep going?
We keep going.
His mouth moves back to mine, lips parting as he sinks into me in the same way that I do him. It feels freeing to kiss him. I was a little scared to after all that’s happened. This kiss is nothing like our first kiss. This is wild, untamed—a shock, I think, to the both of us. This is simpler also; like coming home after a long day or maybe like wrapping ourselves in the arms of safety. That’s what I feel with Levi, safety. That’s what I feel with all of them. But Levi is special. He was the first one to kiss me.
“Cass…” he groans. I grip his shirt in my fists, nails digging beneath the fabric to the skin underneath. I hook into him, needing something to hold me down, to hold me to this world and keep me from drifting up and away.
My hands climb the back of his neck, sinking into the roots of his hair. My fingers close against his scalp, and I can feel the strands of his hair pull tight in my grip. Our moans echo in the silence of the training center. My eyes open at the same time that his do, and for a moment, we’re still kissing with our eyes connecting further than I’ve ever felt. Entire galaxies explode behind the sunset tone of his eyes—golden hues and caramel tones mix.
His hips jerk, pumping against me. His hard cock presses against the seam of my pants, between my legs. It brings me out of the little bubble of safety we’ve created between us. I pull away, sitting up. Those amber, sunlight eyes of his blink—unfocused, a little bit blurry.
“Tell me the rest,” I urge, my chest heaving. A rather large part of me is telling me—screaming, really—to run. To get up and leave. This is too much, it’s too fast. But this is Levi. My fighter. My Golden Boy. He’s my friend… he’s more. Whether or not it’s too soon after… Kida… that doesn’t mean it’s not real. That what I feel right now, in this moment, isn’t real. Vincent told me to let them help me heal. It would be selfish to think that I’m the only one who needs someone to help them heal.
Levi blows out a breath, lying back, his head thumping against the mats, jerking me forward as well. I roll to the side, but stay close, resting my head on the space between his chest and shoulder, right in the crook of his arm. It’s an intimate place, a place for lovers.
“When you’re in enforcer training,” he starts, shaking my attention back to him, “your life is placed under a microscope. Any misdemeanors? You’re out. Any felons in your immediate family? You’re out. It’s a wonder I ever got accepted in the first place. I’m sure things are different here on Tartarus for enforcers, but those were the conditions to be accepted on Basra.” He closes his eyes, and I slowly slip my hands from around the back of his neck. Levi grabs one, holding tight as though he never wants to let go. I let him squeeze even when it hurts.
“Fuck, it was hard,” he says. “The pay was shit. The sergeants were asswipes. The fucking system, itself, was fucking corrupt. When we were called out to the lower neighborhoods to assist with a
disturbance—we were just trainees, but the shit they wanted us to do. I wasn’t down with that fucked up mess. I fought my sergeant.”
“You literally fought him?”
He nods. “They wanted us to tase anyone who got close. Made an announcement that everyone was to keep their distance from us while we searched for a fugitive—apparently someone had been robbing tourists, turned out it was just a teenage kid. Poor guy was malnourished, and he had like three siblings to take care of, couldn’t find a job… it was fucked up.”
My heart hurts as he goes on, the strain in his voice evident not only by the hiss he makes between his clenched teeth, but by the strength in which he clutches my hand. I lean down and rest my cheek on his chest, listening to the sound of his thundering heart. I close my eyes.
“I punched my fucking sergeant out when he tased the kid’s grandmother. She had no clue what was going on, that was fucking evident. But did that asshole give a damn? No. They were all criminals in his eyes. She was just shocked—she didn’t…Cass… she didn’t fucking understand. She was trying to reason with him. He fucking–” A single tear slips out of the corner of his eye and slides beneath his temple. “Her fucking heart couldn’t take it. He tased her and… she didn’t make it. I don’t know how many guys it took to pull me off him. I almost killed him. I wish I had.”
I don’t say anything. What can I say? I agree with him. I wish he had too. I wish a lot of things that I probably shouldn’t. I wish that I could kiss him again.
Strength & Loss
Levi goes back to the penthouse, but I stay behind in the training center. I stare at the walls, wondering when the fuck I started changing. It took months of Kida’s coaxing to get me to trust her. Two years later, and I didn’t just trust her—I adored her, I treasured her. She could have held my life in her hands—hell, she did hold my life in her hands at one point—and I would have trusted her to keep me safe. Was her influence what changed me?
I almost feel like I shouldn’t trust the guys so easily, but I do. I trust them the same way I trusted her. It scares me. Because if I’m honest with myself, I already trust them so much because I care about them. But it’s too soon, isn’t it? Who the hell knows anymore? If there was some universal manual for grief and trust and love, someone would have found it by now. No, I have to figure all this shit out on my own.
