by Lucy Smoke
“Be careful,” he says. “You’re getting too close to the metal. You don’t want to burn yourself.” Of course, I think, my breath shuddering out from my chest. He’s just checking on me. Practical—that’s what he is.
Noaz moves away and sits at the table as Thayer and Haze walk into the kitchen. Thayer moves behind me, resting his head on my shoulder as he peeks into the pot. “Smells good,” he says, wrapping his arms around my stomach. I smile back at him.
“You do, too.”
He grins, nuzzling into my neck—making me laugh, until suddenly he’s yanked away. “Hey!” he yells.
I turn and am less than surprised to see Aaron holding Thayer by the back collar of his shirt. He takes one look at me and winks before dropping Thayer and leaning forward, pressing a kiss to my cheek. My mouth hangs open as he joins the others and Thayer, rubbing his head and messing up his already messy hair, follows behind.
“Okay! I’m back!” Levi bounds back into the kitchen and nudges me out of the way. Droplets of water hit my cheek.
“Did you even dry off?” I ask. His shirt sticks to his chest, outlining the definition of muscles in his chest leading down to his stomach.
Levi grins wickedly, tilting his head down towards me and shakes wildly.
“Wha–No–Stop!” I shriek, jumping away. I trip and fall back towards the table. The scrape of chairs hits my ears just as two strong arms come around me, stopping my descent. I look up as Haze casts a disapproving scowl at Levi.
“Be careful,” he warns.
“Sorry, sorry.” Levi stirs the pot and looks back at me, blinking innocently. I shake my head but can’t keep the smile from my lips.
After dinner, I help clean the kitchen and even though I slept most of the day away, my muscles are still sore from my attempt at the obstacle course of death. I’m still exhausted.
“You could catch nuts in your mouth if you yawn any wider,” Levi says just as I finish a particularly loud yawn. I wrinkle my nose at him.
“Heh, nuts,” Thayer says absently flipping through a tablet. Levi shoves him, and Thayer nearly drops the tablet to the floor, jerking his head up. “What? What did I say?”
I chuckle. “I think you’re right. I’m probably going to go to bed early tonight.”
“My room?” Thayer asks.
“I don’t want to bother you.”
Thayer sets his tablet down on the table and looks at me. “You never bother me,” he says.
A blush rises to my cheeks. “Um… then yeah, if you don’t mind.”
“Not tonight,” Noaz says suddenly. All eyes turn to him. He doesn’t meet our curious gazes as he thumbs through his communicator, but whatever he sees there obviously doesn’t make him happy. He’s been doing that since dinner started. “I need you to work on something for me.”
Thayer sighs and gives me an apologetic look. “You can wait up for me—if you want?”
“You’re welcome to stay with me.” Thayer and I both turn and look at Haze, who gazes back with an impassive expression. “I know it’s hard for you to sleep alone, and I don’t mind.”
“That’s… um… are you sure?” I ask.
He shrugs. “You need to sleep. You being in my bed won’t bother me.”
“That should work.” Noaz slips his communicator into his back pocket and stands. “Aaron, Thayer, and Levi will be with me tonight. We’ll be preparing for our departure.”
“We still have a few days,” I point out.
He nods. “We still have preparations to make. I don’t want you here alone.”
“Penny and Vincent will be here.”
Noaz looks at me. “If you don’t want to stay with Haze, that’s fine.”
“That’s not what I said,” I reply quickly, my eyes darting to the man in question. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to offer. It’s fine. I can sleep in my own bed.” I stand and move around the table, dumping my plate—the last one left to be cleaned—into the sink before making my way past the group. “Don’t worry about me,” I call back as I head to my room.
As kind as they are to offer, I need to learn to be on my own again.
When the scientists and engineers—who designed cities—built Tartarus, they were more concerned about creating enough space for as many people that would be chosen to survive the apocalypse of the Earth’s surface. Which is why each pod is the same and they are set out like square boxes, stacked one on top of the other.
My bedroom in Vincent Diamond’s penthouse is the largest I’ve ever had. It’s practically the size of a pod living area. Normal bedrooms are just wide enough for a double bed—some only wide enough for a single—a dresser, and maybe a nightstand or two. This one is far wider, and yet, I dislike how large it seems. It feels like I’m being swallowed whole into the mouth of a great beast. The bed is my life raft and I’m just floating on it, curled on my side while stormy seas take me deeper into the belly of the beast.
My eyes remain wide open as I stare at the ceiling and the four walls that surround me. I’m tired. I know I’m tired. I’m fucking exhausted. Why can’t I sleep? Am I broken?
When the door creaks open, I sit up. A familiar form fills the doorway. “What are you doing here?” I ask.
Haze doesn’t reply. Instead, he lets the door swing closed behind him as he makes his way across the room. When he gets to the other side of the bed, he toes off his boots, kicking them against the wall and then yanks his t-shirt over his head, before looking down at me. I gulp back a breath, saliva coating my tongue as I watch him crawl onto the sheets. He pauses there for a moment as if rethinking his actions, and when he stands up again, I’m afraid he’s changed his mind, but then he sits on the edge of the bed and reaches down to remove his socks. Finally, he turns, pulls back the covers, and slides beneath. I release a breath I hadn’t realized that I had been holding.
“Go to sleep, Cassie.” I turn back to the wall and stare at it. Just as I close my eyes, finally ready to surrender to the blissful oblivion of sleep, I feel the paper-thin touch of lips against my hair. And it, too, reminds me of oblivion.
Thunder rolls overhead, the dark gray clouds hovering low. Lightning flashes across the sky. An electrical storm brews. This is what I imagine the surface must have been like. Grass—real grass—under my bare feet. Except it isn’t dried and dead like the weeds outside the detention center had been. No, this stuff is fresh. Wet. Dewy. It smells like rain even though the rain hasn’t come yet.
“Cassie?” Kida’s voice isn’t far. In fact, it’s coming closer. But this time, I don’t move towards it. I’ll let her come to me if she wishes. I remain where I am, and I feel the grass under my feet as I wait for the rain.
I know I’m asleep. That much is made obvious by the sight and sound of Kida’s footsteps as they grow steadily nearer. She’s dead. If I wasn’t dreaming, then she wouldn’t be here. It’s almost fitting though, that we’re on my dreamscape of the Earth’s surface, since that’s where we sent her body back to. Back to where our ancestors came from. Back to where we all came from at one point in time. I wonder if we’ll ever go back.
“What are you doing here?” she asks.
I shrug. “I’m waiting for the rain,” I say.
Kida stands in front of me, watching me curiously. Lightning flashes again; the storm is getting closer.
“You’re changing.” It’s a statement, not a question, and she’s right. I am changing.
Days ago, I would have been in this place and it would have been cold with my pain and grief. I would have heard her voice and sprinted for it. Now, I understand that this Kida isn’t really my Kida. My Kida is gone, and nothing can bring her back. And no, I’m not okay with that. Maybe I never will be. But it’s not exactly something I can change. Even if I’m not okay with it, that doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t accept it.
A droplet falls on my forehead and streaks down the side into my hairline.
“It’s warmer than I thought it would be,” I admi
t. “Down here.”
Kida doesn’t reply. That’s okay. I didn’t expect her to. I gaze up at the sky. Vaguely, I can just see the outline of the cities far above. They’re set so far apart, it’s difficult to fit them all in my field of vision. They look worlds apart rather than a simple few hours ride by airship.
“You’re not coming back here again, are you?” Kida asks.
I shake my head. I don’t think I’ll need to after this. I have the guys—whether she meant to or not, she brought them to me in a way. Or rather, in a roundabout way, her godfather brought them to me. Maybe if I had been alone at the time of Kida’s death, I wouldn’t still be alive. I thought about it—about ending my life. I wanted to. I imagined a dozen different ways to do it. Some more violent than others. But now I know that would have been useless, a waste. I have more to do.
When I finally do look at Kida fully, her eyes are soft and a bit sad. She smiles at me even though I can tell she wants to cry. I really hope she doesn’t cry. I’ve never been able to handle her tears. I had only ever seen her cry once, over a nightmare about her parents. That had been enough for me.
“I love you,” she whispers.
I close my eyes and when I open them again, this time I see the inside of my bedroom in Vincent Diamond’s penthouse suite in the middle of Tartarus, the city of criminals, and I know peace. I know peace because I know my grief has a place inside me that might never heal, but that doesn’t mean I can’t live with it.
“I love you, too,” I whisper.
I strap on my boots and buckle the belt at my waist. My hair is pulled back into a long ponytail at the back of my head. Looking into the bathroom mirror, I finger the single feather earring that dangles from my left ear, marking me as a messenger. Pressing a kiss to two of my fingers, I slide those same fingers over the etching in the surface of the earring.
Remembrance starts with living.
“Cass?” A hard knock on my bedroom door echoes across the room. I turn at the sound of Haze’s voice.
“I’m coming,” I call.
“Alright,” he calls through the closed door. “We’ll be waiting, but you should hurry it along. Vincent wants us down at the docks to check the ship.”
“We’re not leaving for another few days,” I call back.
“Yes, I know, but–”
“Oh, leave it alone, man, she’s coming. Give it a rest,” I hear Thayer’s voice in the background and don’t resist the smile that comes to my lips. Of all the distractions in the whole of humanity, these guys are the best.
I finish getting ready and then hurry out to meet the guys as they wait by the elevator. Aaron takes one hand as I step inside, Levi takes the other. I still have to close my eyes on occasion or I find my chest caving in. But if I close my eyes, I can pretend I’m somewhere better. Somewhere where the world isn’t falling apart—literally falling apart, in our case—and I’m not terrified of something as simple as a damn elevator ride.
When the elevator chimes and we step into the lobby, Aaron pulls me towards the front doors and out into the streets. Thayer, Levi, Haze, and Noaz all move towards a hover vehicle.
Aaron tugs me toward a rover parked in front of it. “You ride with me,” he says. I smile. Yeah, best distraction a girl could ask for.
“You got it, Hercules.”
Grief is one part love, one part fear, and both parts what we do to ourselves. Often what we do is painful, but that, too, can be overcome. It can heal. I just have to let it. Maybe Kida really did bring me the guys. I was using her identity, after all, when I first met them. Maybe the universe did it. Maybe it knew that I was going to lose the first and only person who ever truly cared about me. And maybe… maybe it was all coincidence.
I remember our conversation, the night she told me the story of Cassandra and Apollo—the story of my namesake. I remember, too, the promise she asked me to make after.
“You have to promise me something, Cassie. No matter what happens, you’ll keep trying. If something ever happens to me, you can’t just lay down and give up. Promise me you’ll keep trying.”
And so, I’ll try. For Kida, but also for me, because who knows what the future can hold?
Also by Lucy Smoke
The Iris Boys Series
Now or Never
Power & Choice
Leap of Faith
The Nerys Newblood Series
DAIMON
NECROSIS (Coming Soon)
The Winthrope Five Novellas
Study Break
Tough Break
The Expressions Series
Expressionate
