by Ivy Smoak
He followed me. “Ash, don’t be like this.”
“Go away.” I hated that my voice quivered. Because I really could use a hug. Don’t you dare think like that, Ash.
“No.”
“Why are you here, Joe? Would it kill you to not be an asshole for a single day?” He knew what today was. He knew how much I missed my sister. Why the hell did he have to pick today of all days to show up in my life again?
“I know we didn’t end on good terms…”
“You think?” I scoffed.
“…but I thought you might need a friend today. Someone to talk to.”
“You’re not my friend.” But there was a small part of my heart that thawed. Just a little.
“Fine. A person.”
“You’re not a person. You’re a monster.” Just because a small part of my heart had thawed didn’t mean the rest of it didn’t hate his guts.
Joe sat down next to me. “I deserve that. Want a cupcake?” He pushed the box toward me.
I shook my head. “You mean a cupcake made with the recipe you stole from me?”
He stayed silent.
“God, I wish I had listened to Rosalie about you. She always knew you were an asshole.”
“I thought she liked me?”
“No. She hated you.”
“More than Madison hates me?” asked Joe.
“God no. By the way, you should keep an eye out for her. She’s been lobbying hard for me to cut your dick off.”
“Maybe then she’d like me. You know…since she hates penises.”
I laughed. “I’m actually not sure about that. A few weeks ago she got super drunk and admitted to wanting, and I quote, ‘The biggest, blackest man.’ ”
Joe laughed too. “Are you kidding me?”
“I swear.” I couldn’t help the smile on my face.
“Well I’ll be damned.” Joe shook his head.
I started to laugh more but it got caught in my throat. What the hell was happening? Was I seriously sitting here with Joe making lesbo jokes about Madison? It felt so natural. I looked down at the grass so I wouldn’t be tempted to look at him. “What happened to us?” I asked.
Joe sighed. “I don’t know, Ash.”
“Was it this?” I asked. “Rosalie going missing? Chastity says I kind of changed after that.”
“You want the truth?”
“Yes.” I looked back up at him. “God, yes.” I needed to know why I hadn’t been good enough. Because I wasn’t sure how to move on when I felt so…unwanted. I hated that feeling. Of just being stuck. And ever since Chastity had brought it up, a piece of me wondered if that was why I was chasing Tanner. Because he swore he couldn’t be in a relationship with me for my own safety. We’d never move forward. We’d always be stuck. I swallowed hard.
“That might have played a small part. But we were doomed before that. I’m not sure we were ever really right for each other.”
“Then why’d you propose to me?”
“I think I just got caught up in the moment. I was intrigued by your innocence. And your refusal to have sex until marriage. It made you kind of a forbidden fruit that I just had to pluck.”
I gagged a little. “Gross.”
“We were in college. We were young. I don’t know what to say.”
“Apologizing would be a good start.”
“I’m sorry. Rosalie was right - I’m an asshole.”
I laughed. Yes, you are. I considered asking about Sierra. About him cheating on me. But what could I really say? Do you love her? Were you really fucking her almost our entire marriage? I knew the answers to both of those. Yes, and yes. Hearing him say it would just make it more real. And I couldn’t handle that. Not today.
“Maybe I will take one of those cupcakes after all,” I said.
Joe smiled and put the box on my lap. “Be my guest. I even brought you a fork.”
I flipped open the lid and stabbed a delicious-looking banana protein cupcake (one of my best recipes, thank you very much). I was about to take a big bite when I noticed a picture taped to the inside of the lid. No, not just any picture. A picture of me. Naked. Touching myself on our bed. It was a screenshot from the sex tape I’d made for him.
“What the fuck?” I said, slamming the lid shut in case any strangers happened to be walking by. My heart was beating so fast that it actually hurt. Or maybe it hurt because for just a second, I had thought Joe wasn’t actually the most evil person on the planet.
“What?” asked Joe, acting totally innocent.
“Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“Oh. The picture?”
“Yes.”
He opened the lid and looked at it. “It’s a great picture. I’m thinking it’ll be what I use for the thumbnail when I post your video to Pornhub.”
My body felt like it was on fire. “Are you fucking kidding me? I gave you everything you asked for,” I hissed.
“You did. But then you stole my credit card and spent…“ He pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and scanned down it with his finger. “…$213,436.”
“Dude, that wasn’t me. It was probably your instawhore.”
Joe glared at me. “How dare you talk about Sierra like that?”
“How dare I? How dare you fuck her for four years behind my back. What’d she spend the money on? Another pair of fake tits? Or maybe more Botox?”
“You spent the money on Odegaards. Chastity convinced you to go on a little shopping spree, huh?”
Oh shit. Tanner hadn’t used Joe’s card when we were together at the boutique. He’d said it was declined. But he’d never given it back to me. Was it possible he used it to buy me all those shoes later? I tried to hide my look of guilt, but it was too late.
“I knew it,” said Joe.
“Knew what? I swear it wasn’t me.” My voice cracked.
Joe laughed. “You’ve always been such a terrible liar.”
Asshole. “You know what I’m not terrible at?”
“What?”
“This.” I grabbed my cupcake and smooshed it in his face. God that felt good.
He wiped the icing out of his eye. “Real mature, Ash.”
I took another cupcake and did it again.
“You know what? I was going to give you two days to give me a refund, but you just cut that time in half.”
“A refund how? You took everything from me in the divorce. I’m barely scraping by.”
“If the money isn’t in my account by midnight, the sex tape goes live. Enjoy Rosalie’s birthday. Thank God she didn’t live long enough to see how much of a slut you are.” Joe got up and walked away.
For a second I just sat there, completely stunned. Not that anything he’d done was surprising. Joe had just acted completely like…Joe. I tried to yell something mean at him, but my mind was blank. My body shook with a combination of rage and sadness. I buried my face in the towel and sobbed. Big, fat, ugly tears.
I wanted to just crawl into the lake and drown. How could I have fallen for Joe’s trick? For a few minutes I had genuinely thought that there was some shred of decency in him…that he had actually come here because he cared about me and didn’t want me to be alone. But really he had just come here to shit all over me. And to do it on today of all days? He wasn’t just an asshole. He was heartless. He was the devil. How could I have ever fallen for a man like that? What did that say about me?
I could dwell on that later. But for now, I had bigger issues to deal with. Because if I couldn’t come up with $200K by midnight, then the most mortifying footage of me was going to be all over the internet. I’d never be able to show my face in public again.
“I’m sorry, Rosalie,” I said into the air. “But I have to go take care of this. And next year, after Marty finds you, we can come back here together.”
I took one last look at the castle and then typed out a text to Tanner. “Can you be at my place in ten minutes? I need your help.”
> Chapter 44 - Refund Emergency
Thursday
Tanner was waiting for me outside my apartment building. Concern was etched all over his perfect face.
“Is everything okay?” he asked as I approached. He frowned even harder, presumably because of my puffy eyes and running make-up.
“Not really.”
He pulled me into a hug. I felt so safe in his arms. His big, stupid, stealing arms. I pushed him off. “You lied to me.”
“About…?”
“Joe’s credit card. The shoes. You said the card got declined.”
“Oh, right.” He looked so pleased with himself. “Yeah, I did lie about that.”
What the hell, man? “I need you to undo whatever you did.”
“And why would I do that?”
“Because Joe came to the park this morning and threatened…”
Tanner waved it off. “Don’t listen to him. The police will laugh him out of the station.”
“What?!” I screamed. People were starting to stare at me. “Now I’m gonna get arrested?! Since when is it illegal to make a film of yourself? I was over 21. I can prove it.” Right? Was there some law I didn’t know about when it came to filming solo sex tapes? Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Tanner lowered his eyebrows. “Whoa, slow down. Illegal film? What are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“The credit card. Dumb-Dumb Joe forgot to take your name off the account. So technically all you did was buy $200,000 worth of Odegaards with your own money.”
I shook my head. “He’s not threatening to have me arrested.”
“Oh. Then what’s he threatening? What film are you talking about?”
“There’s a uh…” I looked around. I really did not want to have this conversation on a public sidewalk. Or with Tanner, really. But I didn’t have a choice here. I had no idea how to fix this. And he might. “Can we go up to my place to talk about this?”
“Of course,” said Tanner. “Whatever it is, I’m sure we can sort it out.”
I was drenched in sweat by the time we reached my apartment door. This was going to be the most awkward conversation of my life.
“Wow. That’s a lot of shoes,” he said the minute we walked in the door. “I totally did not think about closet space when I sent you all these.”
“Damn right it’s a lot of shoes,” I said. “That’s what got us into this mess in the first place. Wouldn’t it have been enough to buy like…two pairs? Rather than 70?”
“Do you not like them?”
“Not if they get my sex tape leaked all over the internet!”
Tanner raised both eyebrows. “A sex tape?”
“Yes! Joe has a sex tape of me. He held it over my head to take everything from me in the divorce. That’s why I live in this dumb little apartment. And now he’s threatening to post the tape on Pornhub unless he gets his 200 grand back before midnight.”
“For real? And he hit you with all this on today of all days?” Tanner looked pissed. I had never seen him look so upset before. “What an asshole.”
“That’s not all. He pretended to come in peace. Said he didn’t want me to be alone on Rosalie’s birthday. And then after we shared what I thought was a genuine, nice moment, he sprung this on me. Oh, and he finished things off nicely by telling me that it was good Rosalie was dead so that she’d never learn how much of a slut I am.”
Tanner made a noise, almost like a growl. Dark circles formed around his eyes. His anger was somewhat terrifying. And also kind of sexy. And vampiric?
“I’m gonna kill him,” he said.
“As much as he definitely does deserve to die, I’d really prefer if we just give him his money back. He’s not worth you going to prison for murder.” Then I thought about what I had done. I just asked Tanner to give my ex $200,000 like it was nothing. Which it kind of was for Tanner…but still. I couldn’t ask him to do that. “I’ll find a way to pay you back for the shoes. I’ll work overtime until I’m old and gray. Or maybe we can just return them? Do they even have a return policy at fancy places like that? Just please don’t let him leak that tape.”
“That tape will never see the light of day. I promise.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
“And don’t worry about the shoes. They were free.”
“But someone…”
“Well, they cost a bit to manufacture. But it wasn’t close to $200K. Odegaard has pretty healthy profit margins. Compared to some of my other businesses, at least.”
What? I gaped at him. “You own Odegaard?”
“Well, technically I am Odegaard.”
“Didn’t that brand start in the late 60s? Mr. Odegaard must be at least 80 years old.”
Tanner cleared his throat. “Long story. Anyway, back to that sex tape of yours. What’s on it? Is it like a solo deal, or…”
I slapped his arm. “Ugh, stop. Men are disgusting.”
He put his hands up. “I was only asking so I’d be sure I get the right tape from Joe. All the copies of it.”
“Sure you were,” I said, rolling my eyes. “But…you really think you can get him to give you all the copies?”
“Yes.”
“And how exactly are you gonna do that? Have Marty burst into his apartment and waterboard him until he hands them over?”
Tanner considered it. “I guess that would work. But I have a better idea.”
“Are you sure we can’t do the Marty thing?”
“Trust me. I got this.” There was no doubt in his voice. And that made me believe him.
“God, I wish I’d never made that tape. I’m such an idiot.”
“There’s nothing wrong with making a sex tape. Everyone’s doing it these days. The Society even has a workshop about it on the first Tuesday of every month. They have some really interesting pointers about lighting and camera angles. But I think they might under-emphasize the importance of not sending your sex tape to an asshole.” He pulled a little black book out of his jacket and jotted something down. “I guess you’re probably not going to be making any more sex tapes after this though, huh?”
“Nope. Now can we please focus?”
“Hmm?” He closed his notebook and looked back up at me. “Oh, right. We need to get your tape back. Just give me one moment…” He opened his computer bag and pulled out a golden genie lamp. “Just rub the lamp and wish for your sex tape back from Joe.”
I crossed my arms. Tanner’s antics were usually funny, but not at a time like this. “Are you serious right now? You really went out and bought a genie lamp just to mess with me?”
“You mean the way you bought me garlic bread and threatened me with holy water?” he asked, deadpan.
“How many times do I have to apologize for that?”
Tanner tapped his finger against his lips. “Probably about three more times.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry. Now can you please go get my sex tape? This isn’t a joke.”
“I told you. Rub the lamp…”
You’ve got to be kidding me. This wasn’t the time for jokes. He was seriously bad at reading the room. “Fine. Toss it to me.”
He looked horrified. “You want me to toss my lamp? How would you feel if someone asked you to throw your most prized possession?”
This was getting ridiculous. No. It was beyond ridiculous. But he clearly wasn’t going to do anything until I played his stupid genie lamp game. So I walked over to him and grabbed his stupid lamp. I expected it to look like cheap dollar store plastic, but based on how much it weighed, it might have actually been solid gold. Of course it is - he’s a billionaire. “How much did this thing cost?”
“It’s priceless.”
“Mhm.” I rubbed the side of the lamp. It made my fingers feel all weird and tingly. Almost like an electric shock, but the jolt didn’t hit me all at once. I pulled back. “Happy?”
“You have to make your wish.”
&n
bsp; “Oh, right. I wish for…”
Tanner put his hand up to stop me before I could finish making my wish. “Be careful with how you word it. I’m not mean-spirited, but as a genie, I do tend to have a bad habit of misconstruing wishes.”
I pursed my lips. This whole genie thing stopped being funny about five minutes ago. “I wish for you to get all of the copies of my sex tape from Joe Dickson.”
Tanner nodded approvingly. “Well done. Especially for a first wish.”
“I’m glad you approve. Now can you please go deal with Joe? We only have until midnight!” I was seconds away from having a total meltdown and throwing Tanner’s new shiny toy across the room.
“Yup. Just give me one moment here…” He rubbed his hands together and then snapped his fingers.
I glared at him. He really needed to learn when it was appropriate to joke and when he needed to be serious. “Are you done messing around?”
Tanner ignored my question. Instead, he pulled a flash drive out of his jacket pocket and tossed it to me.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Your sex tape. What else would it be?”
I shook my head. “That’s not…that’s not possible.” He hadn’t moved.
“Check it.”
I pulled out my laptop and plugged in the flash drive. There was a single video file on it. I clicked the file and… Oh my God! I slammed my laptop shut before Tanner could see. “How did you get this?”
“Magic,” he said with a wink.
I shoved his arm. He was such an idiot. A sexy, wonderful, prankster of a perfect man. “I can’t believe you had it this whole time. I was literally dying inside thinking Joe was gonna leak it. Is this the only copy?”
“Nope.” Tanner reached into his jacket and pulled out three more flash drives.
“Seriously, how did you get these?”
“I told you. Magic.” It looked like he was unsuccessfully trying to hold back a smile.
“You’re infuriating.” And amazing. God, he really had me going. “You’re sure these are all the copies?”
Tanner nodded.
