by Ivy Smoak
“Maybe start by telling me how many it was. It was three daughters, wasn’t it? Triplets, maybe? God, why are guys so obsessed with banging triplets?”
Tanner leaned in and lowered his voice. “Ash… I don’t know where you heard that word, but DODO doesn’t have anything to do with dads or daughters.”
“Then what is it?”
“You really want to know?”
“Yes!”
“Okay, okay. But you have to lower your voice.”
“Why? Worried Little Lucy is going to hear about your perverted ways?”
“No. I’m worried that Claude is a DODO agent. Jesus, I’m worried everyone is a DODO agent. I even thought you were for a while there. Back when you were stalking me. And maybe a little after we first actually met.”
“You were stalking me!”
“Hmm…no. You were definitely stalking me. Anyway, back to DODO. Everything I’m about to say never leaves this menagerie, okay?”
“Of course.”
“Okay, so DODO…” started Tanner.
“Actually, I can’t quite promise that. I’d like to think I can keep it a secret, but I’m 100% going to tell Chastity everything. She’s already in too deep. It’s better to read her in than to have her keep investigating.”
“Okay, fine. But no one else. Not even your parents. Deal?”
I nodded.
Tanner pulled me farther away from Claude, deep into some sort of tunnel. “DODO is an ancient organization with the power to make me disappear in the blink of an eye. I’ve been running from them for years, but they’re always out there. Watching. Waiting for me to slip up.”
“So…DODO is the cartel that’s after you? Were cartels ancient organizations?”
“Not exactly, no. It’s not a cartel per se. It’s worse.”
Worse than a cartel? How many daughters had he banged? I shook away the thought. He’d told me that wasn’t what was happening right now. Hadn’t he? I needed to clarify this. “Wait, so you didn’t bang any daughters? Not even those hot triplets?”
“Really? That’s what you’re going to focus on? And what hot triplets are you talking about?”
“I don’t know! The ones you banged.”
“I didn’t bang any triplets.” He paused. “Well, actually, I kind of have. It really depends on your definition of bang.”
I stared at him.
“But that has nothing to do with DODO,” he added.
“So banging someone’s daughter isn’t what upset DODO?”
“No!” He paused again. Just like he had with the triplet question. “Well, actually…in a funny way, it kind of is. But not at all in the way you think.”
“Aha! So you did bang a daughter.” Gotcha, bitch!
“Literally every female is a daughter. Can we please stop wording it that way?”
“Maybe.” I stared at him some more, hoping he’d spill the rest of his secrets. I was so close to learning everything.
“Wait…” he frowned as he stared at me. “How do you know about DODO?”
Oh shit.
Chapter 50 - Matthew Freaking Caldwell
Wednesday
I tried my best to stall. I looked around the dark tunnel he’d pulled me into. But there was nothing to throw or anything. The fire extinguisher in my purse was calling to me. I could just grab it and spray it everywhere as a diversion… “Ash, how do you know about DODO?” he asked again.
Fuck everything. The lie was tearing me up inside. And making my outside sweat profusely. I couldn’t hold it in any longer! “Because I was the one who tapped your phone. It was all me. And I’d do it again because clearly I’ve lost my mind and your stalkery ways have rubbed off on me. I saw everything. I heard everything. Including your call with Marty.”
“Are you serious!?” said Tanner. He was practically screaming. But not in an angry way. He kind of seemed overjoyed.
“Yes?” This felt like a trap.
He grabbed my face and kissed me. God, I loved the taste of his lips on mine. And it was refreshing to smell his blueberry skin rather than the pungent stench of the Manhattan Menagerie.
“Jesus, Ash. Next time you want to betray my trust and rifle through all of my personal documents, just ask. Do you have any idea how freaked out I’ve been since I got that phone call from Marty? I couldn’t sleep at all last night. And I’ve been looking over my shoulder all day expecting someone to pop out of a van and shove a bag over my head. That was how it happened with old Herbert. Those bastards nabbed him right outside of his Upper East Side apartment just last year.”
“Is he okay?”
“No he’s not okay! No one has seen or heard from him since.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. He was more of an acquaintance, really. But knowing that they grabbed him so close to here definitely made me nervous.”
“I still don’t understand why you can’t just pay them off. And what does DODO even stand for?”
“The less you know, the safer you are. I’ve already told you too much. Just know that I’m doing everything in my power to get them off my back.”
“But…”
“Do you trust me?”
I wanted to. But I barely knew anything about him. I searched his eyes. He looked so sincere. “Maybe.” Probably. Yes. It was stupid, but I did. Tanner had done nothing but lie to me ever since I’d met him. And yet…he also protected me and did a bunch of sweet stuff too. Clearly he was actually in danger. I’d almost given him a heart attack by making him think I was a DODO agent.
“Well you should. Because these monkeys would be perfect for the party.”
Wait, what?
He pointed to the monkeys that had stealthily surrounded us while we’d been talking. They were each like three feet tall and absolutely adorable. But they had nothing to do with DODO. Was Tanner high?
“Huh?” I asked.
Tanner nodded his head towards Claude approaching.
Ah, gotcha. “Okay, I trust you,” I said. Hopefully I played along quick enough so that Claude didn’t realize we had been talking about something else. Is Claude really a DODO agent? And just like that, Tanner had added another fear to my list. I just had to decide if I was more scared of being nabbed by DODO or having a centipede crawl up my leg. “I’ll agree to get the monkeys on one condition,” I added to really sell our change of topic.
“Name it,” said Tanner.
“We have to get at least two dozen of them. And they have to all wear little space helmets.” The image just popped into my head. And as soon as it did, I knew it had to happen. It was so perfect. If this party didn’t go viral, I’d willingly turn myself over to DODO and let them melt me in a vat of acid.
“Did you just come up with that right now?” asked Tanner.
“Yup.”
“Wow, you’re a genius. That’s why I’m paying you the big bucks.”
“BIMG actually takes most of my billable hours for themselves. But I appreciate the compliment.”
Tanner turned to Claude. “Do you have two dozen of these little guys?”
“I actually have three dozen.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Tanner. “Can you imagine three dozen monkeys dancing around the yacht? This is going to be a classy event, not some seedy backroom freak show.”
“Of course,” said Claude. “My mistake. I take it you’ll supply the cages?”
Tanner threw his arm around Claude and pulled him into a hug. “Ah, Claude. You know me too well. Of course I’ll supply the cages.”
Why does Tanner have so many cages? Is it a sex thing? It sure seemed like it was.
“Should I draw up the paperwork?” asked Claude.
“Yes please,” said Tanner. “Ash, why don’t you go ahead and take the rest of the night off? You’ve earned it with this monkey idea.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’ll finish up here. You can go tell Chastity all about the monkeys before she does something she sh
ouldn’t.”
“Huh? Oh, right. Gotcha.” Monkeys was code for DODO. Yeah, it was probably a good idea to call her off before she tried to blow someone for information or something.
“Want me to call Nigel to take you home?”
It was tempting, but I just couldn’t accept. When my apartment was only a few blocks away it felt wrong to call Nigel. Surely the little man had better things to do on a Wednesday evening. Although…he had shown up at my apartment at a moment’s notice with cookies just because Tanner asked him to. That was a little too eager to serve if you asked me. Nigel was up to something shady. I’d walk, thank you very much.
Besides, a short walk would help me process all this new information. Especially the bit about DODO making people disappear. Just like Rosalie had.
Was it possible that it had been them who took her?
While I walked home, I tried to replay every conversation I’d had with her in the weeks and months leading up to her disappearance. Had she ever mentioned DODO? I really didn’t think she had. But then again…neither had Tanner until I bugged his phone and forced him to spill the beans.
I’d only made it about half a block before my chest tightened with this intense feeling of dread. My blouse was drench in sweat almost immediately. It was the kind of feeling you’d get when you’re walking down a dark alley and see a bunch of dudes with baseball bats and switchblades approaching. Or when you’re about to get bagged by DODO?!
Nope. Neither of those things was happening. It was something much worse.
Matthew Caldwell was approaching.
Yes, the Matthew Caldwell. The one that I’d met during the blind date from hell. The one I’d rather die than ever have to see again.
Had he seen me yet? There were two things working in my favor. First, it was twilight, so my bright red hair might not be quite as obvious as it would have been in broad daylight. Secondly, and more importantly, Matt was playing on his phone. So there was still time to avoid an awkward encounter. I just needed to act fast.
I frantically searched for a hiding spot. There were two options: a dumpster, or a bush. Thank God. I’d dumpster dive to avoid Matt any day, but today I didn’t have to. I ran for the bush. But just as I got there, my heel caught between two bricks and sent me tumbling into the bush headfirst.
Ow. It wasn’t the most graceful entry, but it was effective. I moved a few branches around to make sure that I was well hidden.
He was almost past me when he stopped and looked directly at me. No…not directly at me. Just in my general direction. I followed his gaze and realized that my Odegaard had gotten stuck in the sidewalk when I’d tripped.
Damn it!
Matt cocked his head and squinted at my shoe.
Please keep walking. Please keep walking. I will literally die if you find me.
Then he walked towards my shoe.
No! Bad Matt! Abort! Abort! Where was a lake when I needed it? Why did I think a bush could conceal me? There’d been a perfectly good dumpster right there and I’d passed on it. What was wrong with me? I’d been in a dumpster before and it was awful, yes. I’d had nightmares about it ever since. But sitting in a dumpster was not as awful as Matt spotting me. This is what I got for taking the easy way out. Keep walking, Matt! For the love of God keep going!
“Ash?” he said to the bush as he grabbed my shoe. “Is that you?”
I stayed silent. Why would he assume it was me? That was a crazy assumption to make. It could literally be any shoeless woman. Go away!
“Come on, Ash. I saw you jump into the bush.”
“No you didn’t. You were playing on your phone. And who’s Arsh?” God, that name switch was so silky smooth. He would definitely start walking away now. Shoo.
“Arsh isn’t a name. I said Ash. Because that’s your name. And I know you’re hiding in the bush.”
“You’re mistaken, sir. You don’t know me. And I certainly don’t know you.”
“Interesting.” He looked down at my beautiful Odegaard in his hand and carelessly tossed it in the air a few times. “So this isn’t your shoe? You wouldn’t care if I just tossed it across the street?”
He had me right where he wanted me. I stuck my arm out of the bush. “Shoe please.”
“Here you go.”
I snatched it from him. “Thank you, stranger.”
“Any time, Ash. You really don’t have to hide from me. Our date happened ages ago.”
It didn’t feel like ages to me. It felt like it just happened. That fire I started… I cleared my throat. “I’m so sorry, but I have no idea who you’re referring to. The incident never happened.”
“Did you just whisper the incident in a really weird way?”
“No.”
“Is the incident you’re referring to the one where you tried to set my dick on fire?”
“Absolutely not.”
He laughed. “Ash, I’m fine. If you hadn’t run away right after it happened, you would have seen that you only scorched my pants.”
I didn’t respond. I was glad his penis was okay. But it didn’t undo what I’d done. “I don’t know what you’re even referring to. Because I’m not this Ash person you speak of. But she sounds terrible. Now please be gone.”
He sighed. “Alright. But you’re not terrible, Ash. I hope you know that. And you don’t need to jump in lakes and bushes when you see me.”
The dumpster it is then.
He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Okay. I’ll leave you alone. I hope you have a good rest of your day.”
“You too.”
“See you around.” He smiled and walked away.
“Please don’t!” I called after him and peered out of the bush to make sure he was leaving.
He chuckled on his way down the sidewalk but didn’t look back.
Phew. That had been a close call of awkwardness. But I felt good about how I handled it. I gave myself a solid 8/10 for creativity and execution. Passing him face to face and having to say hi would have been unbearable. Would we have shaken hands? Hugged? Bowed? Or the worst of all - made fake plans to get coffee and “catch up” some time. Just the thought of it gave me chills.
When the coast was clear I crawled out, pulled a few branches out of my hair, and put my Odegaard on. But not in that order. Because obviously I had to put my shoe on first in order to avoid getting sidewalk foot fungus.
I took a deep breath. I was ready to continue my walk home. And I’d already passed Matt, so nothing else bad could happen. I was basically invincible.
I took two steps before someone ran up behind me and pulled a burlap sack over my head.
Chapter 51 - Taken
Wednesday
“Matt!” I screamed. “What the fuck! This isn’t funny!”
He didn’t say anything. He just picked me up in his big football player arms and tossed me into a van like I weighed nothing.
Oh God, was this revenge for the fire I’d set on our date? It had been an accident, I swear. Why was he doing this? He’d just acted so cool about the whole thing. “Matt, I’m sorry. I never meant to set your dick on fire! But you just told me your penis was fine!” Had he lied? Was his penis burnt and mangled? Could it even get hard anymore? He’s going to murder me for maiming his member. Of course this was the way I was going to die. And I deserved it for penis mutilation.
“Go, go, go!” he yelled as the door slammed shut. Someone else hogtied my hands behind my back as the getaway driver hit the gas.
That was when it hit me. It wasn’t Matt kidnapping me. It was DODO. I’d just been bagged. And I was never going to be seen again.
I started hyperventilating. For the first time ever, I wished it was Matt. And that was really saying something, because I hated seeing him. But I wished he was here with me right now. Kidnapping me or something. Because him kidnapping me somehow seemed better than DODO kidnapping me. Matt wouldn’t actually hurt me. But these guys?
“Am I going to die? Please don’t kill me. I don�
��t know anything.”
Silence.
“Okay, I know a little bit. Or maybe a lotta bit. It depends on how you look at it. But I promise I haven’t told anyone. Except my friend Chastity. Er…I mean Charity. Or maybe she’s Charmander. Yup, that’s her name. It’s definitely not Chastity. Ha, I can’t believe I forgot my best friend’s name.” Oh no! Now they’re going to kill Chastity too!
I kept rambling like that for a good ten minutes. Which was really bad, because I should have been paying attention to all the turns we were making. Now if I escaped I wouldn’t even be able to find my way back home. Does that make sense? I don’t think it does. Why did people in movies always try to remember the turns when people kidnapped them? Oh, duh. It was so that they could sneak away and call the police and lead them right to them. That made a lot more sense. But it was too late. I’d already lost track. It was over for me. I was done. Dead.
“Are you sure this isn’t Matt? Matthew Caldwell?” Oh God, why’d I just say his whole name? Now they’d go after him next. “Just kidding. That’s just some person I read about in the tabloids. Please leave him alone.” Just imagine if I set the man’s dick on fire and got him murdered. I was the worst.
Nothing I said got any reaction from my kidnappers. So I stayed silent for the next ten minutes, praying that it actually was Matt and trying to remember our route.
Left. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.
Why are we taking so many right turns?
Right. U-turn. Left. Left. Right.
Then we stopped.
The DODO agent tossed me over his shoulder and carried me like a sack of potatoes up some stairs and onto an elevator. It went up a lot of floors. At least like 30. Or maybe 40?
The adventure ended with him putting me on a very comfortable sofa. It almost felt like leather.
“Where are we?” I demanded. “Let me go!”
He didn’t respond. But he did pull the bag off my head. The room was dim. Very dim. But I’d just been sitting in pure darkness for like 30 minutes, so my eyes were very well adjusted. Which was unfortunate, because what I saw was absolutely terrifying. It looked like I was in the prop room at an old abandoned theater. I’d never seen so many creepy mannequins. Or were they mummies?
