by Cathie Linz
“On their way.”
Megan moved closer to Logan. “Are you okay?”
He nodded. “I was with him when he collapsed.”
“That’s good. At least he wasn’t alone.”
“I’m telling you, he’s too stubborn to die,” Logan’s dad repeated. “I’m Billy Doyle, by the way. You must be Megan.”
She nodded. Now that she took a closer look, she recognized the similarities between Billy and Logan. He had Logan’s eyes.
“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Billy said.
“You have?”
“Buddy thinks very highly of you.”
Megan wondered about Logan. Did he think highly of her? Had he talked to his dad and grandfather about her? Then she chastised herself for such selfish thoughts. She should be focusing on Buddy’s well-being.
The wait seemed endless but it was actually barely an hour later when a nurse came through the doors to the waiting room. “Buddy Doyle’s family?”
They all stood. Except for Logan, who had yet to sit in the first place.
“He’s being admitted to the cardiac unit,” the nurse said. “Which one of you is Ingrid?”
Gram stepped forward. “I am.”
“He’s been asking for you. Come on back.”
“Did he have a heart attack? Is he going to be okay?” Gram asked.
“We’ll know more in a few hours. For now, he’s stable.”
“Thank God,” Billy said as he sank onto a chair.
Logan showed no outward sign of emotion, but Megan could sense he wasn’t as calm as he seemed. “Does this bring back memories of your partner’s death?” she asked quietly.
“Will died before he got to the hospital.”
“I’m sorry.” She slid her hand in his. She was prepared for him to pull away but instead he threaded his fingers through hers. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Just be here.” He paused to take a deep breath. “You know how Buddy gave up swearing.”
“Right.”
“I never told you why he did that. He’d made a pact with God that if he survived his heart surgery a decade ago, he’d never swear again. And he kept that pact until I went to Vegas and told him he was still married.”
“You better not even be thinking about blaming yourself for Buddy collapsing. Look at me.” She took his face between her hands. “This is not your fault.”
“He collapsed while I was talking to him.”
“About what?”
“I’d thanked him for that intervention,” Logan said.
“And that upset him?”
“No, he was pale when I got there.”
“My point exactly. You didn’t do anything to cause his collapse. You don’t run the world, you know,” she said. “You just think you do.”
Gram’s return prevented Logan from answering. “He looked so pale,” Gram said. “And he has tubes and wires connected to him.”
“One of the tubes is probably oxygen and another would be connecting him to an IV for any meds. The wires are to monitor his heartbeat and blood pressure,” Megan said. “A good friend of mine’s mom had heart trouble a few months ago and I saw her in the hospital. She’s fine now though.”
“You have a good memory to recall all those things,” Billy said.
“She’s very smart,” Gram bragged. “She’s a librarian.”
“Yes, I know.”
Logan eyed his dad carefully. “Do you want me to get you some coffee or something?”
“When Dad had his bypass surgery a decade ago, I was still drinking. It helped dull the pain and the worry. I don’t have that option this time.”
“Do you need me to call your sponsor?” Logan asked.
“No, but thanks for the offer.”
“And thanks for butting in with Gramps the other night.”
“You’re my son. It’s my job to butt in. I may not have been the best dad in the world for you in the past, but that can change.”
“It already has,” Logan said.
Megan didn’t return home until the wee hours of the morning. By then, Buddy had continued to improve and was even demanding to be released. Gram was staying in the room with him, keeping him manageable, she said. Before Megan had left, Gram had taken her aside outside the hospital room and shed a few tears of relief before saying, “Time is precious. Not just for Buddy and me. For everyone. You think there’s all the time in the world—to get angry, to make up. But there isn’t. All we have is the here and now. This was a real wake-up call. The doctor said stress contributed to Buddy’s collapse. His blood pressure was high and he wasn’t remembering to take his medicines. That’s going to change.”
“So you two are back together?”
Gram nodded. “We can work out the details of his annulment later. For now, the important thing is that Buddy is going to be all right and that the two of us are going to be together because life isn’t open-ended. Don’t ever forget that.”
Megan thought of nothing else the next day at work. She went through the motions—answering reference questions, showing a patron how to use the public computers, attending a staff meeting, working on a speech she was supposed to give at ALA Midwinter in January—but her thoughts remained consumed with what Gram had said.
Which was why she called Logan during her afternoon break. “Do you think you could stop by my place after work? Unless you’re going to the hospital to see Buddy?”
“I stopped by on my lunch break and he seems to be doing just fine. Your grandmother is keeping him in line.”
“I’m glad to hear that. If you come over tonight, I’ll make you a home-cooked meal.”
“Are strawberries and whipped cream on the menu?”
“Absolutely.”
“I’ll be there,” he said. “Around seven okay?”
“Fine. See you then.”
When Megan got home with groceries from the nearby food market, Megan noticed that Danny Boone was not on duty. She hadn’t seen him that morning either, it now occurred to her. The temp replacement, an old guy with a comb-over trying to hide his baldness, said Danny was on vacation in Tennessee with his family for a few more days.
In addition to the strawberries and a can of whipped cream, Megan got salmon steaks, which would be easy to grill once Logan arrived. But her mind wasn’t on the menu or even what erotic things could be done with that can of whipped cream. No, her focus was on the decision she’d made to tell Logan she loved him.
Gram was right: Time was precious.
A knock at her front door a few minutes later had her heart beating fast. Logan was a little early. No problem. The temp doorman hadn’t called ahead to warn her someone was coming up. Impatient to see her, Logan probably just flashed his badge at the guy.
She eagerly opened it to find Astrid standing there.
Megan could hardly believe her eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you.”
“Why? What do you want?”
“Can I come in so we can talk?”
As Megan grudgingly allowed her in, she realized that the brief conversation they’d just had was similar to the one they’d had in D.C.—only now the roles were reversed. Megan doubted that Astrid was experiencing one-billionth of the nerves that Megan had a few days ago, however.
“How did you know where to find me?” Megan said.
“Your address was on your driver’s license. You showed it to me.”
“Only for a few moments.”
Astrid shrugged. “I have a photographic memory.”
She seemed willing to forget me fast enough,Megan thought.
“I’m in Chicago for a conference,” Astrid said.
Goodie for you.Megan was tempted to say the words aloud but was too nice to do so. Instead she said, “I’m expecting company shortly.”
“I didn’t like the way we left things,” Astrid said. “I don’t think I expressed myself well.”
“You were pretty clear about no
t wanting anything to do with me.”
“I didn’t want you growing up thinking I abandoned you. You shouldn’t have to suffer just because I couldn’t be a good mother. It wasn’t you. It was me. Anyway, I brought you something. I lied about the jeans.”
“The jeans?” Megan repeated in confusion.
“The jeans from Woodstock. I did keep them. I thought you might want them. Here.” She practically shoved them at Megan.
Megan was speechless. In that moment of stunned silence, Smudge meandered into the living room, where the cat paused to stretch and yawn before noticing Astrid. Smudge instantly arched her back and hissed before turning and racing out of the room.
“You have a black cat,” Astrid said. “Interesting.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I was just making polite conversation. I’m not very good at it. I’m not a hugger or a joiner. But I did have a black cat when I was growing up. Her name was Kinder. It’s German for child.”
“Do you speak German?”
Astrid nodded. “I moved back there after the divorce for several years. I also worked on mathematical analysis at CERN—that’s the European Laboratory for Particle Physics located near Geneva, Switzerland. I don’t know if you’re aware that a scientist at CERN invented the World Wide Web in 1989.”
“I wasn’t aware of that, no.”
“I did wonder if perhaps you’d gone into the field of mathematics, considering both your parents are in the field. But you told me you’re a librarian, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Your father’s sister-in-law was a librarian, yes?”
Megan nodded. “That’s right.”
“She seemed like a hugger. She didn’t approve of our plan but agreed to stay silent.”
“You said it was yourplan. That you didn’t want me bothering you, so you said to tell me you were dead.”
“I explained that. I didn’t want you to suffer because I couldn’t be a good mother. It’s not like I left and had other children. I realized I was no good at it. I lacked the skills.”
“You could have learned the skills.”
“Perhaps I used the wrong word then. I couldn’t learn the ability. I lack it. People tell me I’m detached and they’re right. I can deal with mathematical equations. Not people.”
“My father can deal with both.”
“Which is why I gave you to him. Wasn’t he a good parent to you? Didn’t he show you love? Didn’t he hug you?”
Megan nodded. “More times than I could ever count.”
“There you go then. I did the right thing.”
“I don’t know that I’d go that far.”
“I don’t want to undo all his good work. I never meant to hurt you. Quite the opposite. I was trying to do the right thing. Not just for me, but for you as well. I’m sorry if I failed at that.”
“So what now?” Megan asked.
“I’m not sure. What are your thoughts on the matter?”
“I’m not sure either.”
“We could maybe . . . stay in touch?” Astrid said tentatively.
“Via the World Wide Web?” Megan teased.
“Ah, you have your father’s sense of humor. That is a good thing. Does he still carve the symbol for pi on the pumpkin at Halloween?”
Megan nodded.
“He’s a good man.”
“Did you break up because of me?” Megan had to ask. “Because you had a baby?”
“No.”
“But you didn’t want children.”
“I didn’t know what I wanted. I don’t regret having you. I regret that I couldn’t be the mother you wanted and needed. If I’d stayed, I would have messed you up—not intentionally, but it would have happened. I’m sure of it. I couldn’t do that to you. My parents messed me up, always telling me that everything was my fault. They loved me in their own way, I suppose, and I loved them in mine, but it wasn’t a good thing.”
“Did you love my father?” Megan asked.
“I did at the time.”
“But you loved mathematics more?”
“I felt more secure with mathematics. It was not risky.”
“I have trouble with risk as well where emotions are concerned.”
Astrid looked surprised. “Yet you took a huge risk coming to see me the way you did.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry I’m not the huggable mother you were searching for.”
“I’m not the only one who took a huge risk. You took a risk coming to see me today. I could have turned you away.”
“The way I did you.”
“You didn’t slam the door in my face.”
“Not literally, perhaps. I’m aware I was not welcoming. I don’t do welcoming very well,” Astrid admitted.
“Maybe I could help you with that. If you want me to.”
Astrid paused a moment before nodding slowly. “That could be . . . educational. I must get back to the conference now.”
“I understand.”
Astrid looked at her. “I think you do. Thank you for that. I’ll be in Chicago for a week. Perhaps we can do this again?”
“Do you want my cell number? Or do you prefer e-mail?”
“I have them both. Fiona gave them to me.”
“You contacted Fiona?”
Astrid nodded. “For old times’ sake.”
“Did you tell her you had the Woodstock jeans?”
“I did. And I told her I planned on giving them to you. She thought that was a good idea. I thought it might be too sentimental ...”
“No. Trust me, you can’t be too sentimental with me.”
“Thank you. That’s good to know. I look forward to learning more.”
“Same here,” Megan said.
Astrid eyed her warily. “You’re not going to hug me, are you?”
“Not today, no.”
“Good. I appreciate that.”
“I can’t say that I’ll never ever hug you,” Megan said. “But if that day ever comes, I’ll give you plenty of warning ahead of time.”
“Fair enough.”
After Astrid left, Megan glanced at her watch. Logan should be arriving any second. Wait until he heard about this latest development with her mother. Megan wasn’t sure what to make of it, but it seemed like a positive step.
It appeared that risk aversion ran in her family, at least where her parents were concerned. But Buddy’s collapse and Gram’s words had made Megan see that time shouldn’t be wasted. She couldn’t wait to tell Logan she loved him. She didn’t expect him to say the words back to her. At least not right away.
She realized he’d been burned in a bad marriage. He’d known more than his fair share of pain. It wasn’t easy for him to open up. But she knew that beneath his tough exterior beat the heart of a good man.
She was still leaning against the door when someone knocked. This had to be Logan! She yanked the door open.
Her father stood there.
Chapter Eighteen
“Faith just told me that you met with your mother in D.C.”
Megan ushered him in. “You just missed her.”
“Your mother was here?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t understand,” he said. “I thought you went to meet her in D.C. and that it didn’t go well there. I dragged that information out of Faith while she was woozy from cold medicine. So maybe I misunderstood?”
“No, you didn’t misunderstand. I did go to D.C. and my first interaction with Astrid did not go well. Why didn’t you let me know that she was the one who suggested you tell me she was dead? Is it true?”
He nodded slowly. “That’s not something you tell your child.”
“I’m not a child any longer.”
“You’ll always be my little girl.”
He said it so tenderly that Megan had to blink away the tears, and she had to hug him, she just hadto. He hugged her back so fiercely that she almost cried. He was her dad—the one who l
oved her, who’d held her when she broke her toe at age six, who’d sat in the front row and videotaped every single one of her ballet recitals from age eight through eleven, who’d proudly took her photograph for her first high school prom. Her dad was the person who had always been there for her no matter what. That was the bottom line here.
Megan finally stepped away and blinked away the dampness in her eyes. “I’ll always be your little girl, but not hers.”
“Why did she come here today? What did she want?” he said suspiciously. “What did she say to make you cry?”
“It’s not her, it’s you.”
He looked stricken.
“No.” She reached for his hand. “I’m crying in a good way because you’ve been the best dad in the universe to me. Astrid told me that’s why she left me with you—because she knew she couldn’t be a parent. She was lacking something inside. But she knew you’d be awesome, and you have been.”
“I’ve made mistakes.”
“So you’re not perfect. Neither am I.”
“Astrid isn’t an evil person.”
“I realize that now. She’s even interested in continuing a dialogue with me. Not a mother-daughter relationship but a person-to-person one.”
“I should have told you sooner.”
“I understand now why you didn’t. You didn’t want to tell me she was avoiding me, that she didn’t want me contacting her at any point. Did you know she was at Woodstock when she was a teenager?”
“No, I didn’t know that.”
“She kept the jeans from that weekend all these years. She and a friend had made a pact to keep them and Astrid did. She brought them to Chicago and gave them to me.”
He looked confused as she showed him the jeans. “Muddy jeans? Why?”
“For sentimental reasons.”
“Are you going to wash them?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I’m going to wear them. They represent a time when the world was filled with possibilities for Astrid.”
“You’re using her first name.”
“Because she never was a mother to me and never will be. And I think I’m finally okay with that,” she said slowly.
“I’m glad. Listen, I have some news about Buddy’s second wife. Faith couldn’t go visit him today because she’s still fighting that cold. So she did some digging, got some info from Logan about the woman’s name and date of the marriage in Vegas. Buddy’s pride wouldn’t let him accept Faith’s offer of help when she got home from her honeymoon. But when she heard the doctor say stress played a factor in Buddy’s collapse, she went ahead anyway. You know Faith is awesome at finding information.”
