by Julie Blair
Jac pried Liz’s hand off and froze, frowning. She sandwiched Liz’s left hand between hers, then traced each finger. “Where’s your ring?”
Liz entwined their fingers. “I’m not wearing it. I—”
Jac’s face constricted into a dark, angry storm. “Don’t play with me. I’ve been some pathetic stand-in for Teri. Sounding board on your CD. Composing muse. Bedmate. I’m not here for you to take advantage of!”
Liz clamped her hand to her mouth as Jac fled. She flinched when the door to her cottage slammed shut.
*
“I’m so sorry, Peggy.” Liz ended the call, edged forward in the chair, and rested her chin on her hands. Fog saturated everything into a dull, damp, flat white. The wind chimes Jac had given her sounded in the breeze, making her want to cry.
“Jac won’t talk to Peggy. I’m so messed up. I hurt her again, Hannah. I’ve never seen her so upset.”
Hannah sat next to her and laughed at something on her phone.
“What do I do now? I love her, and all I do is hurt her.”
“She hasn’t been with anyone in a long time. You can’t expect her to know how to do it any better than you.”
“Thanks.”
“For cancelling my date and coming down here? You’re welcome.” Hannah texted something, probably to the date she wasn’t with. “This garden’s kind of cool. When you said you were restoring it, I had visions of the plants in perfectly straight rows and Grandma saying, ‘Don’t touch.’ Everything with her was ‘don’t touch’ and ‘don’t make a mess.’”
“It was?”
“Oh, please. Don’t tell me you don’t remember her yelling if we got within ten feet of her precious cranberry glass in the window. And who doesn’t have a lawn or sandbox for their grandkids?”
“She baked cookies for us.”
“Did she ever let us help?”
“I guess not.” Liz made a fist. Yeah, it hurt again. Maybe Peggy’s piano had some magical healing power.
“She was kind of a tyrant, Lizzie.”
“She was not.”
Hannah held up her hands in an appeasing gesture. “You were her favorite. You had a different relationship with her than Kevin or I did. You had the talent she could mentor. You found your ‘one true love,’” Hannah emphasized the words with her fingers, “at a young age. You fit the Randall family myth. Kevin found a way to belong by marrying young and staying with the restaurant. I was always on the outside.”
“You’re blaming Grandma for—”
Hannah shot to her feet. “I’m not blaming anyone for the choices I made.” She dipped her head to smell one of the new roses Liz had planted. “I’m saying all of us had a lot of expectations on us and not a lot of room to be ourselves.”
Liz sat back against the chair, surprised by Hannah’s comments. She’d been close to her grandma. She searched her memory for anything they’d done that didn’t involve music. “So, you left to…”
“Be my own person. You can’t have a real life until you have that.”
“But…” Liz lifted her gaze to Hannah, understanding for the first time what the rules had been. Approval, belonging, support had come at a price. She’d fit in. She’d worked hard to please her grandma and her dad. She’d become what they wanted, but not her own person.
“Come on.” Hannah tugged her to her feet and danced them across the patio and into the house. “Since I gave up my date, you get to take me to dinner.”
Liz pulled into a parking space on Ocean Street half a block from the restaurant. The convertible was so much easier to park than the Yukon. They were shown to an elegantly set table on the atrium patio warmed by heaters and dimly lit with candles. The host held her chair while she sat. She shot back up, bumping the table.
“What?” Hannah turned and looked toward the table in the corner. “We’ll go somewhere else.” Hannah took her arm and led her out. “Don’t melt down on me, Lizzie.” On the sidewalk she said, “It might not be what it looks like.”
Liz sucked in the cold air as her heart crumbled into little pieces. “No, it’s exactly what it looks like.” Jac and Gwen, her former physical therapist. Clinking wineglasses.
Chapter Thirty-five
“Time to go,” Hannah said, ending the call.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Still in the sweats she’d slept in, Liz downed the last of the cold coffee and banged the mug back on the table. Hannah had forced her to sit on the patio, but that was as much as she could manage. Her chest ached. Her wrist ached. How was she going to get through tomorrow night?
“Come on. I’ll help you pick something to wear.”
“Hannah.” The damn wind chimes sounded again. It was a cheery blue-sky day and she felt awful. She’d handled things badly with Jac yesterday and she couldn’t get the image of Jac and Gwen out of her mind.
“That was Peggy.” Hannah sat next to her. “Jac’s heading out for her walk. You better hurry if you’re going to catch her.”
“I’m the last person she wants to be with, and ditto for me. Why is Peggy calling you?”
“Grow up, Lizzie. You had a fairy-tale life with Teri. You had a love where there was never a wrong note or missed step. Sometimes love is messy and off-key. Sometimes it makes you do foolish things, the exact opposite of what you want to do. Sometimes people push away because pulling close is too scary. You and Jac belong together.”
“Wait. You—Peggy? You—”
“Meddled. Good thing we did. You two are clueless.”
“Are you telling me…Hawaii? You and Peggy set that up?”
“Best vacation ever?” Hannah’s smile and gleeful eyes were like sunshine on a cloudy day and sprinkles on a cupcake.
“You’re…” Liz couldn’t finish as emotions choked her. She’d been so wrong about Hannah.
“Best sister ever? I know. Now go talk to that gorgeous trumpet player. As soon as I get you sorted out, I need to focus on Kevin. I’ll bring him and Karen back together. Dad and Rebecca? Not so sure.”
“Dad’s pretty stubborn.”
“He’s pretty scared of change and pretty locked into this ‘one-love’ nonsense Grandma started. Life’s short, and it’s time we all started grabbing what makes us happy.”
“How did you get so smart?”
“It’s what makes me a great chef. Paying attention to how things fit together. Now come on.” Hannah tugged Liz up. “You’ve got a date.”
*
Liz caught up with Jac several blocks from Peggy’s and fell into step beside her. “Hi.”
“What are you doing here?” Jac looked sexy in jeans and a crisp white shirt open at the collar, sleeves rolled up. Her military-straight posture and lengthening strides screamed, “Go away.” Max gave Liz a quick glance and then ignored her, focusing on his job.
“We need to talk.” Half a block of stony silence made Liz think this might be a bad idea. “We’re not performing tomorrow night with things like this between us. Either we work this out, or you can play solo.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Try me.”
“Leave me alone.”
“I’ll be on your walks every day until we’re friends again.”
“Stalking me?” Anger was practically sparking off Jac.
“If that’s what it takes.” Two blocks later, Jac hadn’t said a single word, and Liz was almost running to keep up with her. Hannah’s words came back to her. “Sometimes people push away because pulling close is too scary.” Who could blame her? She hadn’t given Jac much reason to trust her. Okay, and Jac was stubborn, too. She tickled her ribs.
“Don’t.” Jac clamped her arm to her side.
A few steps later, Liz tickled her again. “Say you want to be my friend.”
Jac stopped. “I don’t want to be your friend! I want to be your lover!”
“And I want to be yours!”
“I’m not a stand-in for Teri!”
“I’m not Maria!” Great. Now they were
in a childish shouting match. Liz turned to go, afraid she’d say something she’d regret. Oh, the hell with manners. She had nothing to lose. “And another thing—” She turned around and ran into Jac, who’d stepped toward her. She grabbed Jac’s waist to steady her.
“Are you going to forever be knocking me over?” Jac lifted her eyebrow, a hint of a smile at the corners of her mouth.
“Yes. Are you going to forever be sneaking up on me?”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
“I love this smile.” Liz traced Jac’s lips. “Can I kiss you?”
“No. I don’t know. No.”
“Chicken.” Liz tightened her grip on Jac’s waist.
Tears poured down Jac’s cheeks as if a faucet had been turned on. “I’m terrified,” she said in a whisper. “I love you so much, and if you break my heart, I won’t survive. I won’t, Liz. I can only be friends. Just friends.”
“Shh.” Liz held Jac as tenderly as she could. It couldn’t have been easy for her to say that. Her heart swelled with love for the woman who was strong and yet so fragile. “It’s all right, honey. I want there to be an us. Friends is an us. A beautiful us.” Max pressed against their legs, as if reminding them he was part of this.
“Do you have Kleenex?”
“No, but I have thumbs.” Liz brushed the tears from Jac’s cheeks and kissed the corners of her mouth.
“I don’t think friends kiss each other.”
“Your rules, not mine. Now are you taking me to lunch, or not?” Liz craved so much more, but she wasn’t going to force herself on Jac. She would be whatever Jac needed her to be.
Lunch at the Bistro was an extravaganza. “Where have you been?” Tony asked, coming out to the patio to greet them. He pampered them with delicious food, including a decadent dessert. Jac pretended not to recognize the wine, to Tony’s immense delight.
Jac was quiet on the walk home until they’d left the busy downtown streets behind. “In Hawaii…” Her stride became shorter with each step. “That night. For me. It was making love.”
“I know.” Liz adjusted her stride to match Jac’s. “My body knew it. My mind hadn’t caught up yet. When you tried to push me away on the deck, then wouldn’t let me touch you, I didn’t understand it was your way of protecting yourself.”
“I couldn’t say no to you. I wanted to be with you so much. I was afraid I was a substitute for Teri. I couldn’t let you touch me. It would have broken me.”
“I wanted you that night. You. Not Teri. I was in a bad state after watching you parade around in shorts and sleeveless blouses with too many open buttons and that swimsuit. Oh, my. You can’t look that gorgeous around me and expect me not to want you.”
Jac undid another button on her shirt.
“Don’t.” Liz clamped her hand over Jac’s as she moved to undo the next button.
“And if I want you to touch me?” Jac sounded shy.
“I’ll touch you with all the love in my heart.” They continued in silence along residential streets. A comfortable silence. Liz studied the gardens she knew almost as well as her own from months of walking this same route with Jac. Their relationship had changed with the seasons as surely as the gardens—the flush of new growth in spring had phased into the flowers of summer, and now a hint of fall foliage tinged some of the Japanese maples.
Finally, Jac spoke again. “I fell in love with you the first time I danced with you.”
“Memorial Day?”
“I’m a sucker for a beautiful woman dancing in my arms.” Definitely a smile.
Liz nudged Jac’s shoulder. “You know how to make a girl feel special.”
Jac took her arm, elegant fingers curling around her elbow. “You’re the most special. I wanted to tell you in Hawaii so many times.”
Liz shuddered as sensations rolled through her. Warm sensations. Jac’s fingers felt like they’d always been there. Like they belonged there. “You did with every thoughtful gesture. I fell in love with you dancing, too. The first night in Hawaii.”
“I almost kissed you. I thought you knew and that’s why you left the dance floor so abruptly. You were different after that. I felt guilty.”
“God, we’re a pair. I left because I almost kissed you. I wanted to so badly. I was worried you knew, and that’s why you kept your distance.”
“I was afraid I couldn’t keep my hands off you or I’d blurt out I love you or burst into song or something equally inappropriate. That last afternoon at the beach undid me.”
“What was with your playing that night? I almost came on the piano bench.”
Jac’s smile grew huge. “Yeah?”
“Don’t do that tomorrow night.”
“And if I do?”
Liz tickled Jac’s ribs. “Are you going to kiss me? Like in the next few seconds?”
Jac stopped. She looked scared again.
Liz stepped so their bodies touched and closed her eyes. “I hear water being sprayed against something, a woman laughing, cars a few blocks away. I smell you and me. I feel your shoes against mine, your legs against mine, your breasts against mine. I feel you and only you. I feel us.”
“You’re getting better.” Jac’s voice was soft.
“I’m hoping I have a lifetime tutor.” Liz held Jac’s waist and kissed her, and kissed her, and kissed her on a peaceful Carmel street on a beautiful day. “We should walk faster. If I don’t touch you soon, I’m going to burst.”
*
Us. Jac entwined their fingers as they walked to her cottage. Lovers. She felt gloriously alive. And terrified. She made it as far as the bench along the walkway before fear bullied her onto it. Wind blew across her shoulder, a cooling contrast to the sun’s warmth. Liz sat beside her. Max leaned against her leg. Sandwiched between the woman she loved and the dog she adored, she felt paralyzed. “I don’t know if I can do this. Maybe we should give things more time, in case you’re not sure.”
Liz took her hand, lacing their fingers back together. “I won’t force myself on you, but I won’t pretend I’m not sure of what I want. I didn’t expect to fall in love with Teri, but I knew it was right. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, but I know it’s just as right.”
Jac rested her hand on Max’s back. Just sitting here like this with Liz was more than she’d thought she would ever have. Friends. And now Liz was telling her what she’d longed to hear. Offering her everything she wanted.
“What about you? Are you sure? I saw you with Gwen last night. I wasn’t stalking you.” Liz squeezed her hand. “If you want to date—”
“You. I only want you. Gwen called after I returned from Hawaii. In a moment of anger that I’d again fallen for someone I couldn’t have, I agreed to dinner. There will never be anyone for me but you.”
“Then can we move on to the having-each-other part?”
“We need to talk about my blindness.” Not the conversation she’d choose to have right now, but a necessary one. A deep sadness welled up. It hadn’t mattered, or she’d pretended it hadn’t mattered all these years, and now it mattered a great deal. “My life has complications.”
“I haven’t noticed any complications, except that you get stubborn sometimes and your stride is too long.”
Another reason she loved Liz. She had no doubt Liz honestly believed it didn’t matter. “Having a blind friend is one thing. Having a blind lover…there’s so much we won’t be able to share, so much I won’t be able to do for you.” Jac wanted to see this moment so badly she trembled. Just this one moment, damn it. When Liz gathered her into a hug she wrapped her arms around her. Was there no end to the sadness clouding this perfect offering of the future she wanted?
“I could tell you we shared zip lines and snorkeling and beautiful sunsets and I never once felt a lack of sharing with you. That’s not what this is really about. It’s about sharing our bodies. It’s about taking your clothes off this time. It’s about my seeing you and your not being able to see me.”
Jac nodded into
the crook of Liz’s neck, embarrassed and relieved that Liz understood. She hadn’t seen her body in ten years. She had scars from the back surgery. Liz was ten years younger.
“This is new territory for both of us. I’m as nervous as you are, honey. Please take this step with me.” Liz cupped Jac’s cheeks and planted feather-light kisses at the corners of her mouth. “Let go. I’ve got you.”
She kissed Liz with all the passion swirling through her, every part of her aroused and wanting. Lovers. She wanted to be lovers with Liz. Before her mind could throw up any more excuses, she stood and took Liz’s hand.
In her bedroom, doubt returned. Jac clasped her hands, listening to the sound of Liz lowering the zipper on her jeans, of shoes discarded, of clothes tossed on the chair behind them. Undressing. Her belly quivered with anticipation and knotted with fear. Then Liz was in her arms, warm, soft skin against her hands as they kissed, their tongues caressing with abandon.
Liz lifted Jac’s hands to her cheeks. “Touch me.”
A delicious slow burn built deep in her abdomen as she slid her fingers down Liz’s throat, over the bounding pulse, and down the delicate chain to the pendant she’d given her. She slid her fingers along Liz’s collarbones to her shoulders, taking her time. She remembered everything about Liz’s body from Hawaii, but those had been stolen touches. This was permission to explore. Down the straps of her bra, along the edges of the lacy material to the V, then around her ribs to the clasp. Jac’s breathing quickened. That moment when a woman’s breasts were freed always aroused her. She undid the clasp and slid the straps down.
“You’re teasing me.” Liz’s voice was breathy. Desire. For her.
“I am, and I’m teasing myself.” When she stroked the outsides of Liz’s breasts with the backs of her fingers, Liz let out a long sigh. She cupped them and rubbed the nipples with her thumbs. Soft became hard, and Liz leaned into her touch. She found Liz’s mouth and sank deep into the sweetness and warmth.
“Can I undress you?” Liz kissed along her jaw.
