“Thank you for telling me, Sebastian.”
I nodded. “You needed to know.”
“But you don’t know my story.”
“What do you mean?”
“Addiction is a disease, and I’ve had a front-row seat to my mother’s struggles, so you can’t shock me or push me away by telling me all the ugly bits. I’ve lived through plenty of ugly.”
“Bettie relapsed?”
“Yeah.”
It was common for people who had a drug problem to go back to their old behaviors when they hit a snag. After all, using helped them cope with problems before. I’d relapsed two years into my recovery but hadn’t been back since. Like I said earlier, that could change in an instant.
“Tell me.” My chest swelled. What a woman—brave, sympathetic, and sure of herself.
“I came home from school one afternoon to find my mother lying on the bathroom floor. I was ten at the time, and Bettie got a role in this dark indie film, but it’d had gotten cut in the editing room. So a month’s worth of work meant nothing. Her career wouldn’t get a boost, and no one would even know about it.” Poppy stood, pacing in front of the couch with nervous energy.
“Coke to the rescue?” Old habits die hard.
“Yep, after her agent told her what happened, she scored a hit, and by the time I got home, she was lying in a pool of her own vomit. Bettie had been clean for years, but took her old dosage of coke, which nearly killed her.”
“You saved her.”
“No, she picked herself up, but I’m the one who called 911—and stayed with her on the ambulance ride over. Then I got her back into rehab.”
“She’s lucky to have you looking out for her.”
“It’s a two-way street. To Mom’s credit, she hasn’t gone back to cocaine since.”
“Bettie’s incredible.”
Her smile was faint. “I agree. But the point is, I know exactly what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who’s an addict. After her overdose, I searched the house top to bottom and flushed everything down the toilet. And then I did a drug hunt every weekend for months until I trusted her again. So I don’t have any illusions about your sobriety.”
“You can’t save me, love.” I wasn’t certain if I was telling her, or myself.
“Not if you won’t let me help. And for the record? You’re worth saving, even if you don’t think so. Holding on to the past keeps you from moving forward.”
“It’s penance.” It sounded like bullshit, even to my own ears.
“No, it’s fear. You don’t want to go through the pain again. You haven’t healed your wounds yet.”
I had no defense for her accusation. She was right, even if I didn’t want to admit it aloud.
“No, I haven’t.”
“Maybe instead of wallowing, you should channel the grief into something positive.” Her manner was world-weary.
“Like what?”
“Something you believe in.” She shrugged. “Bettie holds a charity ball once a year, and all the proceeds go to drug treatment. But you’ll change, only if and when you want to.”
All the charity work in the world wouldn’t make up for my sins, but it might alleviate some of the guilt.
“How’d you get so wise?” She was maturer than women twice her age.
“I’ve had practice.” Poppy walked to the door.
“Wait, love. You had something to tell me. What was it?”
Poppy hesitated. “We’ll talk soon, but believe me, this isn’t the right time to share my news.”
“Does this mean…? Are you breaking up with me, love?”
“Let’s call it a break for now.
And then Poppy walked out my door.
Chapter Thirteen
Poppy
A week dragged by.
At least I had a lot of schoolwork to keep me busy, even if my heart wasn’t in it. Sebastian had been trying to scare me off, exposing his worst side, so I’d run. It took a lot to frighten me, but I wouldn’t chase him either. We both needed a break.
In the meantime, I took care of other matters. When I wasn’t studying or working on term papers, I googled pregnancy articles. And I’d gotten an appointment at the women’s clinic on campus for a checkup and a confirmation of the pregnancy.
To no one’s surprise—yup, still expecting, with no plans in place. The doctor recommended an off-campus ob/gyn who could provide more comprehensive care, and I’d had my first office visit.
I also picked up some prenatal vitamins and, with Darcy’s advice, changed my diet—eating clean and including more fruits and veggies. I loved the food, but one cup of coffee a day sucked. The preparations made me feel better, like I was doing something to get ready.
One late night, I’d been highlighting my notes for an upcoming exam, when there was a knock at the door, and I glanced up, all bleary-eyed, from my legal pad. For a second, I thought it might be Sebastian.
“Come in.”
“Hey, girl. Miss me?” Kate stood there all suntanned and gorgeous from her trip.
And in emotional pregnant-girl fashion, I burst into tears. I wasn’t sure what the deal was, but my emotions were all over the place—up and down like a ping-pong ball. The littlest things made me sob, like sad commercials or stupid YouTube videos.
She frowned. “Okay, that’s not the reaction I was expecting.”
“Sorry. I’m happy to see you.”
“It looks like it.” She shut the door and sat down on my bed. “What’s up?”
I wiped the tears away. “In a bit. First—tell me about your trip. My news is going to bring the conversation to a screeching halt.”
“No can do. First, we’re dealing with you, then we’ll move on to me.”
So I filled her in on the whole story, every detail, and then waited for her reaction.
“Oh, wow.”
Kate kept repeating the words. Her eyes were wide, and she opened her mouth to say something only to shut it after a second or two.
“Come on, talk to me.”
“Well, congrats.” She gestured to my midsection. Darcy did that, too. When people know you’re pregnant, it’s all about the belly. “I know this must’ve come as a shock, but you’re keeping the baby, and I know you’re going to be a great mom.”
“Thanks.”
Since the surprise had subsided, I felt somewhat better. In fact, I had a strange feeling everything would work out. Although it could be wishful thinking on my part.
“And I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
“I appreciate it, Kate.”
“Have you told Sebastian?”
Ugh. “Not yet. I tried, but he sensed something was up and then he started in with the true confessions. He was all, ‘I’m bad for you and I have a dangerous past.’” I rolled my eyes.
She stretched out on the bed beside me. “When will guys realize that shit’s like catnip? We can’t resist reforming a bad boy.”
I laughed.
“You’re gonna try again, right?”
“Absolutely, but I’m giving him space. I’m pretty sure he thought I was going to say I’m in love with him.”
“And are you?” Kate asked.
Good question.
“I honestly don’t know. I think about him all the time, but with a baby on the way, it makes everything more complicated.”
“Hmm.”
“What?”
“You sound like me.”
“Come again?”
“When I was trying to talk myself out of being in love with Malcolm.”
“So you aren’t fighting it anymore? Judging by Instagram, things are going well.”
She grinned. “They are.”
“You seem happy.” If only I had my life in such good order.
“I am.” She raised a brow. “Gonna admit you’ve got the love bug, too?”
“Nope.” I lifted my chin.
“Fine, have it your way. As a psych major, you should be familiar wi
th the concept of denial.”
“Shut up.” I stuck my tongue out. Might as well give in to my juvenile impulses while I still could.
“Make me. And what about your mom? Does Bettie know?”
“Not yet.”
When I’d gone to Sebastian’s place to break the news, I expected a resolution at the time. The baby’s father should know before the grandmother. Right?
Or I could be stalling.
“Poppy…”
I held up a hand. “I know, but it’s going to be a long conversation. I’m waiting for the right time.”
She snorted.
“Don’t even.”
“Fine, I won’t bug you about it anymore today.”
“I appreciate it.”
“On a personal note, does this mean I’m an aunt?”
I hadn’t really considered titles. “Since I don’t have any sisters or brothers—you, Darcy, and Iris are the closest thing the baby will have to aunts. Which reminds me, I haven’t told Iris yet, so keep this on the down-low.”
She gave me the side-eye. “That means Darcy already knows.”
Crap. I’d broken the best-friend code.
“Only because you were on vacation.”
“I have this extraordinary invention in my pocket—it’s called a phone.” She pulled her cell out as a prop. “You can use it to give people the information they need to hear.”
“I know, Sarcasm Girl, but I didn’t want to ruin your trip.”
“You wouldn’t have.”
“Well, next time I get pregnant, I’ll call right away.”
She chuckled. “Good, and before Darcy beats me to it—I’m throwing you a baby shower.”
I was familiar with Kate’s party-planning efforts over the years. She put together fantastic bashes, but these events were about onesies and finger sandwiches.
“Um, Kate, this isn’t the kind of party where Jell-O shots are served.”
Her grin was evil. “You can’t do alcohol, but the rest of us can enjoy it.”
I looked at the bright side. While I didn’t have much figured out, I was gonna have one kick-ass baby shower.
Chapter Fourteen
Sebastian
I’d actually gone and done it this time.
I was the one who was going to have trouble letting go.
Poppy had come to my place for a date, and I got scared. Something had been wrong, though I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly. Instead of letting her tell me, I’d headed her off at the pass, then dropped a disturbing story on her without warning. I’d shut the conversation in the most brutal way possible.
I wondered if she hated me.
Instead of sitting down and talking it out, I’d thrown myself into my work, recording tracks and sending them off for sound mixing and editing. I still needed one more song, but for the life of me, I couldn’t write.
This morning, I’d finally gotten myself together, called Poppy, and invited her back over to hash this out, even though I was dreading the conversation. Somehow I knew this would be the end of us. Then I’d be alone again with my music and meaningless sex.
Poppy arrived on my doorstep at six in the evening. This time, she didn’t look worried. No, there was something determined about her expression, almost resigned.
When I leaned in for a kiss, she backed off.
My sense of foreboding intensified.
“Hungry?” I asked, gesturing to the pepperoni pizza I’d ordered.
“Ravenous.”
“Then let’s eat.”
She grabbed a slice and took a bite. Poppy had three pieces to my two, which was unusual.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my life was about to change, again. After we had eaten, I cleaned up and then waited for the death knell, ready to see this through to the bitter end.
“This is way after the fact, but what’s going on?”
“Look, I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to go for it before I lose my nerve.” Poppy locked eyes with me. “I’m pregnant.”
I was gobsmacked, clinging to the side of the sofa like it was a lifeboat. I haven’t felt this wobbly since I’d gone on that two-week bender and woken up in a jail cell in Barcelona.
No, this wasn’t possible. I was careful.
“You’ll have to excuse me, love, I’ve lost the plot. We took precautions.”
“Yes, but only abstinence is a hundred percent effective, so…”
“Right.” My mouth went dry, and I found myself at a loss for words. So I sat there like a fool, gaping at her while I got my bearings.
I was going to be a father. Again.
I shuddered like I’d been tossed headfirst into an icy river. All of sudden, it was twenty years ago, and Shellie was delivering the same news. Sure, I’d swept her off her feet—given her an engagement ring and the promise of a lovely future—but it’d ended in blood and death.
The universe has a perverse sense of humor. This was the same dilemma I’d faced before. I’d blown it the first time, and I was terrified of making another mistake.
“Say something, Sebastian.”
A thought occurred to me, so I tossed it out. “Does your mum know?”
“Not yet. I wanted to tell you first.”
“I can’t imagine her reaction.”
“Me either.”
“What do you want to do—about the baby, I mean?”
“I’m going to have it. He or she is due in October, so the baby will be a Halloween present.” Her smile faltered.
My imagination took flight.
In my mind’s eye, I saw Poppy standing near a pile of fiery autumn leaves. She was wrapped in a thick sweater, her belly swollen with our child. Poppy had the sweetest smile on her face.
The image tore me in two because I couldn’t be a part of that life.
“What about grad school?”
“It’s on hold, at the moment, but I’ll get there eventually.”
Guilt kicked me in the teeth.
“I’m sorry.”
She wrapped a protective arm around her flat tummy. “I can guess what you’re thinking, but I’m not Shellie, and I don’t have a drug problem. You’re in recovery, and you’ve been clean for years. Sebastian, don’t you see? This is a second chance—an opportunity to get it right.”
“I can’t be a father.”
“Yes, you can. Luckily, you’ve got nine months to get there. I wasn’t expecting this either, but just because we didn’t plan for it, doesn’t mean parenthood can’t be a wonderful thing.”
“You’ll be a lovely mother—you’re kind, smart, and compassionate. But I’m a fuck-up, a junkie, and I’d only bring you both pain.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. You’ve been wonderful to me, and the baby would be lucky to have you.”
“I have?” That was some consolation, at least.
She nodded. “You can do this.”
“What if I go off the rails?” Part of me wanted to try to live up to her expectations.
“Then we’ll deal with it.”
Poppy made it all sound so easy.
“Wish I shared your confidence, love. Why aren’t you scared?”
“Believe me, I am.” She gave a shaky laugh. “Although I’ve had time to process this and you haven’t.”
Suddenly, I realized we’d never be the same again. Once, I’m promised myself I’d always be on good terms with Poppy—we’d be friends. Now, I was sticking her with the responsibility of raising a child on her own.
I was ashamed of myself, but I couldn’t do this. I wouldn’t. And I refused to sit by and let history repeat itself. I couldn’t fuck up Poppy’s life—she deserved better. It was too late to do right by Shellie, but I could save Poppy from sharing her fate.
“I’m sorry, Poppy. I’ll provide you with anything he or she needs, but I can’t be involved. And I have to get to the studio—now.” I stood on shaky legs and grabbed my guitar case. “We’ll talk more about this later.”
>
Then I bolted as though I could escape my past, but all those demons came right along with me.
***
“Can I help you?”
Darcy stood in the doorway of Poppy’s apartment, a hand propped on her hip, venom in her eyes.
Bloody hell. Evidently, Poppy kept her friends in the loop.
“Yes, I’m here to see Poppy.”
Since I’d run out of my own apartment yesterday like a chicken with its head cut off, I figured a peace offering was in order, so I’d brought a box of donuts with me.
Darcy lifted one imperious brow. “Is she expecting you?”
“No.”
“Then bye.” She shut the door in my face.
Gritting my teeth, I removed the ball cap and glasses I’d worn to sneak over here. Then I knocked again.
“Yes?” Darcy stood in the doorway.
“Look, I need to see Poppy.” I made a shooing motion. “Get out of my way.”
“Why?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Thought you didn’t want to be involved.”
I didn’t have time for this. “This isn’t your business, Darcy.”
Her nostrils flared. “Fine, you can come in, but you better not screw up. Again.”
Muttering vicious curses, I walked down the hall. Eventually, I found Poppy in her bedroom, propped on some pillows with a bowl of pretzels and a vat of chip dip.
“Hi.” I held the box of donuts out like a shield.
“Hey, Sebastian.” The corners of her mouth lifted.
“I’m sorry I ran out on you.”
“Apology accepted.” She nodded. “I get it—you were thrown for a loop. When I first found out, I was a mess, too.”
My shoulders relaxed. “Don’t suppose you’re still hungry?”
“Are you kidding? I’m always starving. At this rate, I’m going to be as big as a boat when the baby arrives.”
Soon she’d be swelling with our child. The thought made my guts twist.
I handed off the donuts and flipped her desk chair around so I could have a seat.
“Aren’t you going to have one?”
“Nope, they’re all for you.”
She bit into the donut and gave a little moan of pleasure.
Poppy made sounds like that when I was inside her. I closed my eyes, trying to stave off a wave of hunger that had nothing to do with food.
Wild Ride (Let it Ride Book 2) Page 10
