by Tillie Cole
“Yeah,” I said and, as I watched her face, I realized she did the fucking same to me. “You give me peace too.” By her huge smile, you’d think I’d just told her I was the answer to all her prayers. Fuck, I was starting to wonder if she would become the answer to mine.
Phebe traced the lines of my tattoos, then fucking blew me apart when she said, “What if this is simply the dark before the sun?”
“What?”
“What if we are being held in midnight, AK? Both of us locked in the dark of our pasts. Together. And maybe we must endure the darkness for a while.”
I swallowed, eyes fixed on hers.
“But then, one day will come the sunrise. The darkness will end, and the sunlight will pour in. Sunrise, AK. Just imagine.” She smiled and nearly broke my fucking heart. “We can chase the sunrise together. We can be the sunrise . . . together.”
“Yeah,” I said, unable to get the word ‘sunrise’ from my head. I wanted that. I wanted the fucking sunrise. I wanted the sunrise with Red.
“AK?” She pushed my hair behind my ear. “Can we stay here longer?”
“Yeah,” I said, knowing we had another week we could kill.
“Good.”
So I made love to her again before we fell asleep.
And not a single nightmare came calling.
*****
I woke, alone, blinking in the dark of the evening. Still feeling raw from last night, from actually sharing my fucked-up past with someone, I walked out of the bedroom. The cupboard had been packed away and closed—but without the lock. The spilled food had been cleaned up. But it was the center wall that had me losing my fucking breath.
Two pictures.
Two pictures hung on the wall, held up by small nails.
Zane and Devin in one, and Tina, Dev, Zane and me in the other. I didn’t hear her step beside me, but her hand came around my waist from behind, and she pressed a kiss to my bare shoulder blade. “They deserve to be shown,” she said softly, then moved to the counter. She took something in her hands and brought it to me. I tried to see what it was, but she was on her tiptoes and threading something over my head before I could. It smelled clean, whatever it was. And when I felt the familiar feel of metal against my skin, I knew.
Devin’s dog tags.
My heart beat too fast, and I didn’t dare look down. “They boasted your brother’s name. They fell out of the cupboard when I was putting everything back.” She paused. “I do not think that happened by chance. I think it meant that you were meant to have them, wear them, proudly.” I couldn’t speak, but almost fell apart when she said, “You were not to blame for what happened. You must begin to forgive yourself, or how else will you move on?”
“And you?”
She smiled weakly. “I will endeavor to accept this too. I replay the memories of each time I saw her in my mind. There are not enough. I should have more, but I am beginning to understand that that was robbed from me. And . . .” She took a deep breath. “And not my doing.”
“I’m fucking proud of you.”
Her eyes fell. “Thank you.” Looking up through her long lashes, she said, “I am proud of you too.” And fuck, I didn’t expect the blow that compliment dealt.
Phebe walked over to the picture of Zane and Devin. “He looks like you and your brother.” She smiled. “More like you.”
“Yeah,” I said roughly, still unused to talking about them all like this. “That’s what Dev and Tina used to say. A mini-me.”
“I wonder what he looks like now,” she mused, then moved back to the kitchen.
I walked outside and started a fire in the fire pit. I sat down in the reclining chair and tipped my head to the sky. Looking at the stars with Devin’s dog tags around my neck, I wondered what Zane’s life had been like. I wondered if he loved Claire and Tom like parents. I wondered if he remembered much of his mom and dad . . . I wondered if he remembered me. I wondered if he liked bikes, like me and his dad always did. My stomach sank . . . I wondered if he hated Dev for what he did. I wondered if hated me.
“AK?” Phebe came outside, carrying something in her arms. Her face was bright and excited as she laid it on the ground. “What is this?”
I leaned forward to see Dev’s old vinyl player. “It plays music,” I said, remembering how Styx and Ky had said the cult bitches didn’t know shit about technology.
“It does?” she said, and her face lit up like Christmas. I couldn’t help but smirk. Her hand ran over the record player and she sighed. “When we used to go out and recruit, when we fished the men, we always had one purpose. To seduce them. But I had a secret.”
My eyebrow rose in question.
“I loved to dance.” She shrugged. “The brothers that took us eventually let me do it, as they said it made the men want me more. But I did not do it for them. When the music played, I lost all my worries. I lost . . . myself . . .” She laughed and shook her head. “I am a silly woman.”
I got up from my seat and went back into the lodge. I found an extension cord and brought it to the player. Phebe watched me curiously as I switched it on and it crackled to life. I moved the pin and couldn’t help but huff out a laugh when a familiar song burst through the speakers.
Phebe gasped when the music filled the air around us. “What is it?”
I made my way back to my seat, rubbing the back of my neck. “Bowie. ‘Heroes.’” I paused. “Dev’s favorite song. He used to play this song on repeat.” So I had put it on repeat too.
Phebe closed her eyes and swayed to the beat. Her white off-the-shoulder dress swung around her legs. Her long red hair hung in loose waves, brushing against her freckled skin as she moved.
She smiled and got to her feet. Completely lost in her own world, she lifted her arms in the air and her body swayed to the beat. Her hips moved to the rhythm of the song. . . and I couldn’t fucking look away.
I lay back on the reclining seat, keeping my eyes fixed on her as she let Bowie’s words dictate her movements. And I saw it. I saw why man after man would be sucked in by her. The smile on her lips widened as she danced, her pale skin looking bright white against the firelight. And then she opened her eyes. She opened those fucking perfect blue eyes and they landed straight on me.
She took hold of the hem of her knee-length dress and swayed the material in her hands as she came toward me. And fuck, but she seduced me. Bitch was dancing for me, and I knew this was just her. No tricks, no training, this was her feeling the beat and doing what she fucking wanted.
Hottest thing I’d ever seen in my life.
The track ended, then came back to life. She laughed when she realized it was on repeat, completely giving herself over to what she loved. Not thinking about her kid, or Lilah’s face. About Meister or the fucked-up hell she’d come from.
Her gaze locked on mine as she danced in my direction. She lifted her leg and straddled my lap. Her arms looped around my neck, and she tipped her head back, exposing her long pale neck. Her shoulders kept the beat, and her hips ground against me. I hardened in an instant. She felt it, I could tell, because when her eyes lowered, they were leaden. Reaching down, I pulled my cock from my jeans and lifted up her hips. I placed my tip at her pussy and guided her back down. Phebe’s moans were drowned by the music. But she kept moving to the beat, my hands running all over her body. I watched her as she danced, as she took me.
She danced and she danced until she came, taking me over the edge with her. Her head fell forward on my shoulder, and she laughed. I tipped my head back, catching my breath. “I like this song,” Phebe said breathlessly.
I nodded and smirked. “I always did. Like it even more now.”
She giggled. “I like these lyrics. The talk of being heroes.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.” She smiled and laid her head on my shoulder. Her head kept time to the beat as Bowie sang about heroes seven more times. “Phebe?” She lifted her head. Her eyes were tired, but they were so fucking alive. “You’re movin
g in with me when we get back. You ain’t going back to Li’s. You belong with me.”
Red eyebrows rose in shock, but then a fucking melting smile came on her lips. “I belong with you,” she said and lay back on me, wrapping her arms around my waist.
Making love, she’d called our fucking. I thought about that, running over the words in my head.
And fuck, bitch was right.
She’d hooked me in, I’d taken the bait, but unlike the other unlucky bastards, she was never leaving me . . . because I’d hooked her in too.
For good.
Chapter Seventeen
Phebe
One week later . . .
“Sapphira?” My feet ran over the hard ground, propelled by the racing of my heart. The man pulled her into a big building. I ran, breath stolen as I followed them inside.
I choked on the smell. Then saw the man touching her leg as he pinned her down on a bed and pushed potion into her arm. Sapphira’s head fell to the side, and her brown eyes stared lifelessly at me. Her big brown eyes, with that notable freckle to the side of the left.
“Sapphira!” I ran forward and took her hand. All I felt was bones and coldness. I pushed it against my cheek, trying to wake her from her stupor, but her eyes just stared.
“Sapphira?” I cried, feeling my heart rip on seeing her in such a state of disarray. Her legs were bruised. Her face was bloodied. My beautiful baby was in pain. Forced into this hell too.
Her head turned, and I stilled. “Save me,” she said, her voice broken and sorrowful, devoid of life. “Save me, Mother . . . remember . . .”
“Remember what?” I asked, squeezing her hand, but her head lolled to the side once more and her eyes closed. I leaped forward and shook her too-thin shoulders. “Sapphira! Remember what?”
But there was nothing, nothing but the echo of her whispered words . . . “Save me, Mother . . . remember . . .”
My eyes flew open, but my body was paralyzed on the bed. “Phebe?” AK’s panicked voice reached my ears. I concentrated on breathing, but all I could hear was the residual echo of Sapphira’s dream voice begging me to help her. To remember.
“Remember what?” I croaked in confusion, my dry throat capturing my words.
AK’s face came over mine, his eyebrows pulled down. “Phebe, you were having a nightmare.”
I blinked his face into focus and concentrated on his words. A nightmare. It was a nightmare? It felt so real. My heart reacted as though my daughter were speaking to me in real life. Sometimes my dreams felt like memories. Sometimes my memories felt like dreams. It was impossible to know which was real and which was false.
I lifted my hand and stared at the palm, at the fingers. I clenched it into a fist. Because I could feel Sapphira’s small, bony hand in my own. Feel her cold, dry skin as if it were still clutched in mine.
“Phebe?” AK said again, then pressed his lips against mine. My eyes closed the minute I felt his comforting warmth seep into my mouth. His kiss was gentle, coaxing, and eventually my body relaxed and I slipped my arms around his neck.
It was a nightmare. It was only a nightmare.
AK ran his finger down my face. “You okay?”
I inhaled deeply, then nodded. “I . . .” I swallowed. “I dreamed of Sapphira. She was in trouble.” My eyes shimmered as I recalled her pleading words. “She called me ‘Mother,’” I whispered, my throat catching with emotion.
AK’s worried expression softened. “We’ll find her,” he said. I looked at him in confusion. He shrugged. “I already got someone looking.”
“You do?” I asked, barely able to believe he was speaking the truth.
“Yeah.” He glanced away, then said, “We’ll find her. Wherever she is, we’ll get her back for you.”
I studied this man, this man with the kindest eyes there ever were, and launched myself up and wrapped my arms around him. “Thank you.” I held him as tightly as I could. When I pulled back, I looked about the room. For a moment I was confused as to where we were, but then I remembered we had driven home from the lodge last night.
As if reading my mind, AK said, “You fell asleep. I brought you in and put you to bed.” He paused. “It was an intense couple of weeks.”
I smiled, remembering the blissful time we had spent at the lodge. The waterfall, the music, the fire . . . the lovemaking. Then it hit me that we had returned. “I must visit Lilah,” I said.
AK nodded. “She knows you’re back. She wanted to come see you this morning, but I told her to wait until you were ready.”
“I am ready.” I got out of bed. “I . . .” I steadied myself. “I will tell her why I was drinking.” I straightened my back. “I will tell her it all. She deserves to know.” I kissed AK’s cheek and made my way to the shower. After I had cleaned and dressed, I went through to the kitchen.
AK sat at the table with Asher. I started momentarily when I remembered that he lived here too. “Phebe, you remember Asher?” AK said, and Asher gave me a tight nod.
“Yes. Hello, Asher.”
“Phebe,” Ash said, then turned back to AK. “You have to see it, AK. I’ll show you again. Flame couldn’t believe his fucking eyes!”
I moved to sit beside AK, but he took my hand and pulled me down to his lap. Asher barely batted an eyelash at the movement. I sat awkwardly on AK’s lap as he explained, “Been teaching Lil’ Ash how to shoot. While we were away he hit the furthest target where we practice. Like the one at the lodge.” My eyes widened, remembering AK getting that target, impossibly so.
“Impressive,” I said.
Asher shrugged. “I had a good teacher.” I felt AK tense a little underneath me. I knew why that was. I knew that as much as he clearly adored Asher, he was thinking of Zane. Asher and Zane would not be so different in age.
The nephew he never got to see.
AK looked up at me. “Ash can take you to Li’s, then I’ll go with him to the range.”
I leaned into AK affectionately, the action becoming ever more natural. “I will walk.” I glanced out of the window at the bright sun. “It is a beautiful day, and I will enjoy the walk through the woods. I like to walk.”
“You sure?” he asked.
I kissed his forehead. “I am sure.”
I rose from his lap and put on my sandals. Asher went into his bedroom, and AK immediately pulled me into his chest. I lost my breath at the contact of my chest hitting his, and I laughed. His hands cupped my face. “You find it hard, tell Li to call my cell and I’ll come get you. You hear anything you don’t like and it makes you want a drink, same thing. Call me. I’ll get you.”
I put my hands on his wrists. “I will. I promise. But I will be fine. This conversation is long overdue.”
I moved closer and AK’s lips took my own. I moaned, as I always did when his tongue pushed into my mouth. When he broke away I was breathless. “Go,” he said gruffly. “Before I drag you back to the bedroom and never let you out for the rest of the day.”
I laughed as he adjusted the crotch of his jeans. I heard a door open behind us and spun around. Asher stood in his doorway, his face scarlet red. “I will see you soon,” I said.
“We’re cooking out tonight,” AK said. “Most of the brothers will be coming down.”
I smiled and made my way to the door. The minute I was in the fresh air, I inhaled deeply. I heard Asher laugh at AK inside the cabin, and my heart lost a beat in sorrow. AK was so good with him. It was a travesty that he was separated from Zane.
I walked into the covering of trees and breathed deeply, welcoming the fresh air as it filled my lungs and calmed my troubled heart. The dream of Sapphira that would not leave my mind. I had concealed my worry from AK, how much it had shaken me. After everything he was going through too, I knew he did not need more worry in his life. But I could not free her from my mind. The thought of her on that bed, with the potion in her arm. Her cold arm . . . and her calling me “Mother.”
Mother.
“Sapphira,” I said i
nto the breeze, trying interpret what the dream meant. Even when I arrived at the edge of Lilah’s home, I could not shake Sapphira’s words, her cries for help . . .
The sound of high-pitched laughter made my feet grind to a halt. Grace was running from the house, Lilah on her heels. Lilah laughed as Grace screamed and tried to evade capture. But Lilah managed to catch the little girl and lift her into the air. I stepped out of the cover of trees, and saw the minute Lilah saw it was me.
“Phebe!” Grace jumped from Lilah’s arms and ran my way. Her arms wrapped around my legs. I laughed at how rough she was, how excitable. When I looked down, her eyebrows were pulled together. “Where were you?”
Bending down, I explained, “I had to go away for a little while. But I am back now.”
“You are not living with us?”
I shook my head. “No.” I looked up to see Lilah watching, listening. “I live with AK now.”
“Near Aunt Maddie?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“AK is your husband?”
I smiled, unsure what to call AK. “Of a sort,” I eventually replied.
When I looked at Lilah again, I saw the surprise on her face. “Grace?” Lilah said. “Go read for a while. I need to talk to your Aunt Phebe alone.”
Aunt Phebe. I liked those words.
Grace did as she was asked, leaving Lilah and I face to face and alone. Lilah came closer and took my hand. “Are . . . are you better?”
Sudden sadness hit me for what I had put Lilah through. “Yes.”
Lilah’s shoulders relaxed. “And you are with AK?”
“Yes,” I said again. Lilah studied my face. I saw more questions coming my way, but I had to tell her what I came here to say before I lost the courage. “Lilah,” I said. “I . . . I must explain something to you.” I laughed without mirth, knowing the pain I suffered was about to rise once more. “About me, and why I did what I did . . . why I drowned out my sorrows. About things that have happened in my life that you do not know. That I want you to know.”
