by M Dauphin
“God, you two suck.” It’s one thing for me to be on my own and not have to worry about feelings and shit. It’s another to see the woman I love and my best friend giving me the look that their entire world will be crushed if I don’t try to save myself.
If I don’t try to beat this.
“We love you, man. I don’t wanna see you die before it’s your time, and it most definitely isn’t your time right now.”
Braydon stands up and grabs the food from the table, placing our meals in front of us.
“I knew your body isn’t going to like the spicy stuff, so I grabbed the mellowest meal I could find for you,” he says, sliding over my dinner
Braydon’s not a bad guy at all. He’s looking out for his best friend. He may be brash, but he’s the whole reason I’m going to beat this. Him and Alexis are my backbone.
Together we can do this.
By the time we’ve eaten everything he brought back I’m ready for bed, but it’s still pouring rain outside.
“Bray, can you take me home? I left my car at the hospital earlier and don’t feel like taking a cab to go get it.” Al yawns, stretching her arms over her head. Her shirt rides up just enough to show the gentle curve of her stomach and I have to adjust myself before I start getting incredibly uncomfortable in my own pants. I might have cancer, but I’m still a red-blooded man.
“I don’t want to go out in this shit, Al. Can’t you just crash here?” He nods at the couch as they clean up from dinner. A job they wouldn’t let me do.
“Stay, Alexis. We’ll get you to your car in the morning. Or something,” I mumble, getting up. After sitting for that long my entire body hurts, and I feel like I’m going to hurl from that meal. It tasted great, but I’m coming to find out that the better it tastes the worse it makes me feel.
“You sure?”
“Absolutely,” I smile, wanting to kiss her so fucking badly. And I would… I will… but now’s not the time. Not when I feel like hurling.
“Great. I’m heading up. Night, assholes.” Braydon lets himself out. I hear Alexis close the door behind him, leaving us staring at each other across the room.
“Thanks,” she says, a slight smile on her beautiful lips.
“I love having you here,” I say, slowly making my way to her, trying not to let the pain in my back with every step show.
“I’m glad,” she whispers when I make it to her. “I love hearing you use that word.”
“What, here?” I grin.
“No, jerk… Love.”
“Oh… get used to it, Al. I love you. You’ll love me back one day, I’m not worried about it.”
I am. I’m worried I won’t live to see the day, but I can’t let her know that.
“I already do, Lane.” One single fucking tear slips down her cheek and lands on her lips so I instinctively reach out and wipe it away, slowly registering what she just said.
“Can you say it again?”
It’s insane, all the fear and pain I feel goes away when I’m touching her.
“I’m already in love with you, Lane Sheridan.”
“Damnit, Al… really?” I can’t entirely believe this. “How long?”
“Um.. years?”
“Years, Al!?” I laugh, then, ignoring the pain, grab her and pull her to me, not giving her any time to think before slamming my lips to hers.
Jesus Christ.
I’ve wondered what these lips felt like for years, and now that I’m finally learning, I don’t want to ever let them go. Soft, a hint of lip-gloss covering them, she parts them gently for me as I don’t stop kissing her.
I can’t.
Her hands find my hair and she slides her fingers through it, resting her hands there as neither of us make a move to slow down. She tastes like perfection, like what I’ve been waiting for all these years.
Why have I waited so long?
I want to take this further… I want to make her mine.. but my body has other plans. I feel it starting, the pain, but I try to push it away. She tastes too perfect. It doesn’t go away, it only gets stronger. It’s only moments before I’m breaking my lips from her and attempting to compose myself, but it’s no use. The pain searing through my back brings my nausea to the surface and I have to bolt to the bathroom before I get sick right there in front of her.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“You okay, Lane?”
“Yea,” I groan, hunched over the toilet about ready to hurl, but unable to make anything happen. Sometimes I think if I throw up it’d just make it all go away, but I know that’s not the case.
“Can I get you anything?”
“I’m ok, thanks.” I know I’m being short with her but I need to compose myself. That was fucking embarrassing. This is why I shouldn’t have told her all that… I shouldn’t have spilled my guts to her because I’m over here dying and I’m not going to be able to ever be a proper boyfriend to her.
Fuck!
After washing up and controlling my emotions, I head back out to see her curled up on the couch, playing on her phone.
“Hey,” I say, standing in the doorway.
I don’t want her on the couch. I want her with me. In my bed. I need to be able to see her, touch her, smell her. I need her.
“Hi,” she says, sitting up quickly. I guess I surprised her.
“Sorry about that,” I say, rubbing my neck. “I’m gonna head to bed…”
“Oh... okay. I’ll grab a blanket when I’m ready to pass out,” she whispers, mustering up a smile for me.
“I… do you just want to come in bed with me? I’m not much of a companion right now… but the bed’s much more comfortable than that couch.”
Her smile brightens and she nods her head and my heart suddenly feels a slight bit happier.
“I’d love to.”
“There’s that word again, Al.” I grin as we walk to my bedroom.
“I guess we’re just going to have to get used to saying it,” she shrugs.
I guess so. And just the thought makes me smile.
We curl into bed together after she throws on an old t-shirt and pair of my boxers to sleep in. Her body's warm against mine, and if I didn’t feel like shit right now I’d be trying to make her mine officially, but right now it just feels nice having her in my arms.
I’m not sure how many nights like this I’m going to get, but I’ll be damned if I let any of them slip out of my hands.
Tomorrow starts a new life for me. A life of more pain, needles, doctors, and trying to work through all of it. My mind is racing at everything I need to do.
I need to tell my friends. Or do I? I mean… it’s going to get out to the media that I have cancer, right? Is there even a way to keep it from them? I need to get all my shit in order for when the end does come… I don’t want my money just sitting in a bank, rotting. I want it to go to the people I love. The two people in this world I care about most.
Soon, Alexis’s breathing evens out and her light snores fill the silence in my room. I want this forever. I’ve wanted this forever, but now that she’s here I feel even more like I never want her to leave. I never want her away from me, because having her here with me makes me feel better. She makes me feel whole. Like I’m not dying. Like I can live forever. Even though I know that’s not the case.
Sure, I know people beat cancer all the time. I know that if treated early enough there are high chances to beat this and live a full life… but I know that mine wasn’t caught early enough. And, even though it’s been years, I know what my family went through when my uncle was diagnosed with this same disease. I’m not stupid. I know this is hereditary and I know I should have been looking out for it earlier, but they are the last thing on my mind anymore.
Alexis
Waking up in his arms this morning was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. Sure in the years I’ve known him I’ve slept next to him a handful of times, but the way we slept last night was definitely not a way friends would sleep. His hand wrapped ar
ound me at some point in the night resting perfectly on my breast, his face pressed softly in the crook of my neck… he was as close to me as he could have possibly gotten last night. In the middle of the night a pain attack happened, waking us both. I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I felt so terrible for him and there was nothing I could do but hold him. Hold him and pray for it to end. Hold him and pray for the treatments to work.
And here we sit, now. After an entire day of scans and tests and having to answer angry emails from photographers about missing shoots, we finally make it back to Lane’s apartment just before dark. He’s been quiet all day which is understandable, but I can’t help but worry that he’s still not decided to go on with the treatments. He’s supposed to wait for a few test results to come back in the next couple of days then hopefully start treatment early next week. He’s been warned of side effects of everything and just nodded every time the doctor updated us on findings and shit like that. It’s all a lot to take in, and even with me and Braydon there with him, I’m sure we’re going to forget things.
Hell, the list of things he needs to watch out for when eating and the activities he shouldn’t be doing is enough to boggle someone’s mind. The fact that I have to remember all this for him because he blanks out during the meetings with the doctor is even harder. Braydon’s been a great support for both of us today, I just hope it stays this way.
“You hungry?” I ask him as he lays down on the couch. I’ve never seen him this reserved… this quiet. He’s my Lane. He’s always the one to ask first, talk first, and do first. Right now, with the way he’s just laying on the couch, worries me that he’s giving up before he truly has a grasp on things. They haven’t even given him any outlooks yet.
“No thanks,” he mumbles.
“You doing okay?” I ask, peeking my head around the corner. He looks up at me from the spot his head is resting and shakes his head. Silently, he nods his head, inviting me to join him, so I do. I lay down next to him and he immediately wraps his arms around me. I’ve waited so long to be able to have moments like this with him. Not fast paced. Not friendly. Pure love. His head rests on my shoulder as I look up at him.
“You’re going to get through this, Lane,” I whisper, playing with his hair. He just nods. Silently, he leans in and lays the gentlest of kisses on my lips, bringing out an emotion in me I need to hold at bay until I’m home. There’s no need for him to see my tears right now.
“I will try,” he says gently. “I’m going to try, but I feel… I feel like it’s no use, Al.”
“Don’t say that. The bone scans still have to come back, there’s still a chance it hasn’t spread everywhere and they’ll be able to get you through this, but you have to believe, Lane.” I feel like I’m begging him, but I can’t have him giving up before he even begins. “I need you in my life,” I manage, before letting a single tear slip down my cheek.
His thumb swipes my tear away and he sighs. I can’t even imagine what’s going through is mind right now. I’m sure he’s got a million things running through it, and he’s the type of person that’s going to hold it in until he’s ready to talk about them so I know better than to push for it. I wonder if he’s thought about his family? That’s one area of his life I’m not entirely clear on, but he’s never opened up about them. Some people have things in their past they’d just rather not talk about, and I know that’s one of them for Lane.
“You know,” he sighs and shifts up to rest on his elbow. His couch is so huge but I instinctively move closer to him. Just his smell is intoxicating. Staring into his bright blue eyes, I wait for him. “I didn’t have my life planned out. There wasn’t a timeline of ‘I have to do this, and this and this by the time I’m thirty’. I’m a ‘live in the moment’ man.”
“I know.” I smile. “That’s why I love you. You love life and don’t let the small things get to you.”
“Right… I used to be able to do that. But now? Now that… well… I mean now that I have fucking cancer.” He huffs, shaking his head. “There’s so many things I regret,” he whispers. His eyes flicking from my eyes to my lips and finally the feelings I get as his lips push eagerly to mine are pure and complete arousal. No sadness here.
As his lips gently caress mine, and his tongue slips to mine, I feel the heat start to build. Fast. I’ve been with men before, but being with Lane is like finally opening up a well-aged whiskey and being able to savor it. I’ve waited so long that as much as I want to be with him, I also don’t want to rush it. I don’t know how much time I’m going to have with him, so I want every moment to last.
“I’ve always wanted to do this,” he murmurs, moving his lips down my neck. I feel the wetness between my legs and have to stop myself from ripping his clothes off. As his lips gently caress their way down my neck, his hand slowly makes its way up and under my shirt. “Shit, Al.” he whispers as his fingers find my pert nipple.
I can’t talk. I have no words for the feelings rolling through me. I’ve never loved someone like I love Lane, I’ve never felt this strong for anyone before, and giving him my body feels so much more raw than it is when it’s just sex with someone. I’m giving him more than my body. I’m giving him my heart and soul. I’m giving him all of me, every piece, and though I know that the outcome of the tests today may come back terrible and possibly ruin me, I’m not holding anything back.
“Let’s go to the bedroom.” His voice is raw as he sits up and helps me off the couch.
“Are you sure you’re up for this?” I stupidly ask. He was so tired earlier… I don’t want to wear him out.
“I’ll tell you what I’m up for,” he grins, glancing down at his hardened cock, straining to get out of his pants. “I’m up for you, Al. All of you. I’m up to touch you, taste you, and make love to you.”
He has me speechless with his words. With my mouth gaping, I’m not sure whether I want to jump him and strip him here or strip my clothes off and beg him to fuck me.
“No-one’s ever made love to me before,” I whisper, shocked at his domineering behavior.
Shocked, and completely turned on.
“That’s because you’ve never been with me, Al. I’m not just any man. I love you. All of you. The good and the bad… and I can’t fucking wait to praise this gorgeous body.” Without any more words, he grabs my hand and pulls me to the bedroom with a grunt. Practically slinging me to the door after slamming it shut, his lips crash into mine as his hands start to undress me as fast as they can.
All reserve and patience is lost on me as I do the same.
Within mere seconds, we’re rolling onto the bed, completely bared to each other, body parts twisting and touching. I want to taste him, but he must have the same thought because he pins me down and grins at me as his hand snakes down to my core and gently starts rubbing just around my clit, but not actually touching it, driving me insane.
“Jesus, Lane,” I gasp when his fingers suddenly pinch my clit. He grins and groans, slipping one, then two fingers inside me. I reach down to grab for his hand, just wanting him to stay there for a while… he feels so fucking good. Tsk’ing at me, he takes my hands and pins them above my head as his fingers curl inside me, hitting my g-spot damn near perfectly.
“Fuck!” I scream when his teeth come around my nipple.
“That a girl,” he says, smiling at me. “So fucking beautiful, Al. I’ve waited so fucking long for this. Shit,” he huffs. “I never want to stop touching you.”
“I need you to fuck me, Lane,” I say, my eyes pleading with him. I need him in me. I need to feel that connection.
“I’m not going to fuck you, Al. I told you that. I’ll fuck you another day… today I want to make love to you.” He moves between my legs and slowly but steadily pushes inside me. I feel his girth spread me and groan.
Fuck. I’ve heard he was big, but I’ve never really known how big. He’s stretching me just to the point of pain, and every small push forward I feel a little more bliss boiling to pure perfection. By
the time he’s fully in me I’m panting and trying not to cum already.
“I love you, Alexis.” He whispers, his blue eyes find mine and don’t break contact as he slowly pulls out and pushes back in.
“Oh god,” I moan, pressing my face into the pillow on the side of me to stifle the screams. “I love you too, Lane.”
His methodical push and pull, the way his fingers of his free hand find my clit while his other hand keeps my arms firmly planted above my head, have me close to coming mere minutes after starting.
“Not yet, baby,” he growls, removing his hand from my clit and leaning down to kiss me. I’m not sure what position this is, the way our limbs are tangled, but it hits every perfect fucking spot, and as he makes the sweetest love to me possible I come completely unhinged.
“Fuck, Lane!” I manage right before his lips crash to mine and he swallows my screams. When the orgasm starts I feel it, exploding out from my core and buzzing straight through my body, leaving me completely hopeless and wrapped in his arms as he rides out his own release.
With numb fingers, numb hands, and tingly toes, I am useless.
“I love you so much,” he whispers as he rolls to my side and wraps me in his arms.
“I love you too,” I whisper, curling my body in to him.
When a tear slips down my cheek I try to wipe it away before he notices I’m crying, but it’s to no avail. Lane always knows everything about me. He’s that attuned to me.
“Hey, what’s wrong, Al?” He backs away the slightest and wipes the hair from my face.
“Fuck,” I mutter, wiping the now stream of asshole tears that are running down my face, pissed that they won’t stop.
“Why are you crying, baby?” His eyes search mine, a worried look on his face as he holds my head in his hands and gently wipes the tears.
“I love you,” I hiccup. “I’ve wanted that for so fucking long, and I love you so hard, and I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to ever be without you, Lane.”
He’s silent and I know what he’s thinking because I’m thinking the same thing. That was an asshole thing for me to say, but I’m so fucking emotional and that was the best sex I’ve ever had. It wasn’t sex, it was love making, and it’s unfair that I’m going to lose him before I’m ready… before he’s ready. We both know the outcome of late state pancreatic cancer isn’t positive, but we’re not talking about it. We can’t.
