by M Dauphin
Every minute I have left with him is going to be spent telling him how much I love him and how strong he is. It takes a strong person to go through what he’s going through.
“Hey,” I say, pushing past Braydon, determined to make Lane feel the same way I do about him. “I fucking love you, Lane Sheridan. You’re the strongest man I know. You’re brave, you’re smart, and you’re the only man that makes me feel this way… this crazy insane way. Never do I ever want you to hold shit back from me. Sure I hate finding you like that, but not because it makes me love you any less… I hate it because I can’t help you and that’s all I want to do. I want to help you through this but you have to let me. You can’t kick me out because you’re feeling insecure, Lane. I’m not going anywhere. Ever. So deal with it.”
He’s grinning and as soon as I finish Braydon starts a slow clap, that brings a smile to Lane’s lips.
“I love you too, Al. I’m sorry.” Lane whispers, slowly standing from his chair. “You’re my girl. I promise I won’t shut you out again.” He cups my face with his hands and kisses me softly. “I love you.” His forehead rests on mine and Braydon makes a noise, clearing his throat.
“Ok, love birds. Let’s go rock this day and forget about this cancer bullshit. We all three have lives to live.”
He’s right. We do. And it’s up to us to make sure each day is the best it can be. So we do. We start by slowly and surely getting Lane ready for his shoots, since he’s adamant that he can still work, and heading out together.
We take Lane’s car but Braydon drives. Typically Lane likes to show off his sports car, but today he’s not feeling a hundred percent and doesn’t want to chance denting it at all. It’s so beautiful outside with the windows rolled down and cruising downtown to the shoot. It’s outside today and I’m worried he’ll get too cold but I’m not fussing over small shit like that. He’s a grown man. He knows when enough is enough.
By the time the day is over we’ve enjoyed the perfect LA day. A slight breeze is starting to come in from Lane’s balcony and, all three of us sitting right inside at the table, we laugh and give each other shit until it’s one in the morning.
“Bedtime, love birds.” Braydon stretches and nods at Lane, then leans in and gives me a slight hug, pausing before backing away. “My phone’s always on, Al. Text or call. Or hell… use those lungs of yours.” He laughs as I punch his arm.
“What’s going on over there?” Lane’s in the kitchen grabbing a water and walks in to our banter.
“Just telling Al all the ways she can get a hold of me if she needs anything,” he says, then turns and winks at me. Dammit, Braydon. If I were any other girl I’d be a puddle at his feet right now, but the way Lane is glaring at him makes me want to curl into a ball and hide.
“Bye, Braydon.”
“Bye, Bray,” I say, standing and making my way to Lane.
Taking the water and setting it on the table, I wait to hear the door click before wrapping him in my arms and kissing him. Gently.
“You ok, babe?”
“Yea, I’m tired though.” His arms wrap around me and he sighs. “I love you, Alexis.”
“I love you, Lane.”
“I mean… I love you so fucking much. And I’m sorry I’m dying…”
“Stop, Lane.” I back away from him and glare at him, pissed that he’s doing this. “You don’t know how much time you have left. I don’t want you to talk like that again. That’s insane. I love you, and I’m never going to stop loving you. Not even after you’re long gone, which is hopefully a long ass time from now.”
“Our timing sucks, ya know?” He grins a little and takes my hand.
“I know,” I say, sighing. “We just have to make the best out of the time we have, though. No ‘woe is me’, no tears. No regret, Lane.”
“No regret, Al. Promise.”
Then he lifts me into his arms, with only a slight grunt, and carries me to the bedroom where he makes love to me, multiple times.
“How have you been feeling lately, Lane?” Dr. Stanley asks from his perch on his desk.
It’s my two-month check-up and scan. We’ve done everything we can in these past two months to attack the cancer as hard as we could, and it’s almost time to check in on it to see if anything has really worked. These two months have been hell. Complete hell. I’ve thrown up more than I’ve taken in. I’ve lost my hair. My muscle mass is gone. I’m a hot fucking mess, but I’m a face of strength to my fans so I’m still working as much as I can. That’s the good thing about this. I still have bright spots. My episodes have actually been lessening to less than once a day, my headaches are starting to lessen, and I feel like I can eat a little more than I was at the beginning without any regrets. I feel like I’m getting better, but we’ll see what’s really happening inside this damn body of mine.
“I’m ok, doc,” I say, nodding my bald as shit head.
I’d like to think I’m rocking the cancer look. It’s the only thing I still really have going for me and as shallow as it sounds, I have to have something to keep me level headed. Modeling does that. Sure, I broke a few contracts when my hair started falling out, but once word got out of my disease it was as if more people wanted me to shoot for them. If I weren’t making a shit ton of money from the shoots I’d be upset people were capitalizing on my loss, but I’m starting to believe that if I’m going out, I’m going out on top. I want to be able to leave the people I love with enough to cover the end finances then sit pretty for a while. It’s not hard work, it’s fun, I get to be with my girlfriend all day, and I get paid for it.
It’s a win win, really.
Alexis doesn’t know it, but I had my will changed a few weeks ago to leave her as the sole beneficiary should something happen to me. There are instructions in there on what she should take, how the end should happen, and what Braydon will be receiving. I don’t want there to be any confusion when that time happens. Hopefully that day won’t come, but I’m starting to prepare for the end.
Just in case.
“I’ve accepted that the scan today might not go well, Dr. S,” I say, sighing. “When I was first diagnosed, you gave me just a few months to live… Well… It’s already been two months. I’m still having some pain attacks, I still get some headaches, and I just… I feel like it’s my time. I’m ready.”
“What makes you say that?” His brows pinch together and he crosses his arms, waiting for my reply. I shrug and give him a sideways grin.
“I can’t say exactly. I read that towards the end, sometimes people start to know… somehow… that it’s coming… and they become at peace with the idea of leaving this world. Well… I’ve been feeling pretty peaceful lately.”
It’s the truth, too. I do finally feel at peace with things. I’ve got a great girlfriend, my best friend lives next to me should I need him for anything, my career is where I want it to be, and I’ve finally contacted my family after all these years, which is something I swore I’d never do. I can still see them standing in my apartment in awe of everything. They always wished me well but I know they never thought I’d actually make it in L.A. That was a weekend I’ll never forget.
***
“They’ll be here any minute, Lane,” Alexis says from the other side of the bathroom door. I grunt in response, but I’m too busy shaving my head to make sure I don’t have any stragglers. Granted, I don’t really need to do this, but the chemo still hasn’t taken all of my hair yet and I don’t feel like looking like a homeless ninety-year-old on crack.
Last week I contacted my parents after a huge fight with Alexis and Braydon. They ganged up on me, telling me I didn’t have any choice and that it was selfish of me to not inform them of the disease that’s eating away at my life. Honestly, I’d been thinking about it since the time I was diagnosed, but I never really thought much more about it. They lied to me my entire life about who they were.
Third cousins. Ha! In my world, that’s related and no way marriage would ever happen. Appare
ntly it’s more of a ‘frowned upon’ by some but not illegal thing in the state of Missouri. Good news is… I don’t have any extra fingers or toes. Bad news is… well… I lost my family over it.
I can’t be the person I am now with a past like that. We were loved, we were taken care of, but there was nothing left for me back in that small Missouri town. If I wanted to ever do something with my life, I knew back then that I’d have to get out and cut all ties.
Especially once I learned the truth about them. Just imagine how the press would eat that up. ‘Lane Sheridan, known to childhood friends as Bobby White, son of cousins Ted and Melissa White…’ nope. That can’t happen. It was easier just moving away and not looking back.
How someone can fall in love with their third cousin, even if he was twice removed, is beyond me… but my mom did, and they started a family on their own without the help of either of their families. No one wanted anything to do with them. This is why I never knew about any cousins or grandparents growing up. I was completely oblivious to it all, because they severed ties with them for love.
Well… I guess you could say I did the same thing for my job.
“They’re here, Lane,” Alexis’s voice comes from the outside of the door, almost annoyed. “I’m not opening the door for them so get your ass out!” Her voice is a panicked hiss, which makes me let out a laugh.
“I’m coming, hold your panties!” As I walk by her, she pinches my ass and leans in.
“I’m not wearing panties.” Her lips trail my neck and go for my ear again. “Be good tonight and I’ll show you just what you have waiting for you.
So I play along. I meet with my family for the first time in years. There’s tears, laughter, happiness, and at the end of the night… well… there’s pure love for the woman I’ve given my entire heart to. To the woman that made me agree to this meeting.
To the woman that makes me whole.
My Alexis.
***
“How about we just get you to your scan?” Dr. Stevens says, standing up.
“Sorry, I was daydreaming. I don’t feel as focused as I used to be,” I mumble, standing up, still remembering that night.
I’ve actually kept in contact with my older brother since then, and my mom emails about once a week to check in on things. They know why I did what I did… they don’t agree with it, but they know. I never stopped loving them… I just had to start loving myself.
“That’s just a side effect of all the treatments, Lane. It’s perfectly normal.”
I nod, just wanting this test to be over with. I know I said I was prepared for a bad outcome, but there’s always that little sliver of hope that I’m getting better and things are gone and I’m going to live a long happy life.
I also know not to get my hopes up. I’m not dumb. I know miracles don’t happen.
Sitting in that machine while it whirrs around me is insanely annoying. With nothing to do but lay here, I close my eyes and try to get some rest until it’s over.
My mind immediately goes to Alexis. My Alexis, who, last week, told me she’s moving in with me.
Told me! She’s never been the shy type so it didn’t surprise me, but she brought in a suit case one day, smiled, told me she’s moving in because I need her, then she never left!
And I couldn’t love it any more.
Coffee every morning, watching the TODAY show and laughing together, planning out the few shoots we’ve been doing, then getting ready together. It’s a happy routine and I wouldn’t change it for the world. On treatment days Braydon comes along to be an extra support if we need it. He and Alexis have always gotten along and there’s times I find myself jealous that he gets to spend more time with her if I die, but I always remind myself that I need to be happy they will have each other.
Hell, there’ve been times lately that I’ve seen the way they act around each other and I can’t help but get jealous at their insanely easy chemistry. I have it with her, too… but I guess a part of me wanted to be the only one.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy they have each other… I’m just sad I have to leave this world without them.
Braydon and I are like brothers. I know he went through cancer with his mom and it didn’t end well, so I know he’s having a rough time with this but he’s being strong for me and Alexis. Alexis is just strong. Period. After the first week or so of treatment, I haven’t seen a tear slip down her face at all. I’m not sure what she does when I’m not looking, though, but she always has on her game face on for me.
“Alright, Lane, you’re all done,” the nurse says, walking into the room. “This isn’t like the first scan you had. No waiting a week for results or anything like that. We’ll take you back to your room to get dressed then you can wait in the room until the doctor comes back in with results.” She pats me on the back and smiles a reassuring smile at me. It’s that sad ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine but I don’t want to say what I’m really thinking’ smile.
I fucking hate that smile.
I’m a cancer patient. We know what everyone is thinking when they see us. The bald head, skinny features. ‘Dead within a month’ comes to mind… but I don’t let it bother me anymore. I’m learning to take things lightly, and not let the small things annoy me. It’s just not worth it. If I do only have a short amount of time left on this earth, I don’t want it to be spent being negative and upset about everything.
I want it to be with the ones I love.
Alexis.
Braydon.
I want to spend as much time with them as I can, and that’s why we have dinner plans for tonight. Because no matter what the scan says tonight, it’s not going to change the fact that I love them both dearly and would do anything in the world for them. Both of them.
Always and forever, not just for now.
By the time I make it back to the doctor’s room I can hear my stomach rumbling. I’ve been waiting here for so fucking long without any food in my system that I have a fleeting thought to raid his desk for snacks. Is that legal? I just want a cracker or something. Can’t I have a fucking cracker?!
“Lane,” the doctor announces as he opens the door. “How are you now that all that’s over?” He smiles at me, a real smile, and I can’t help but smile back.
“I’m starving,” I say, earning a laugh from him.
“I’ll let you go grab food in just a few minutes. We have the results of the scan, and before I open it up and start I need to talk to you about your end of life plans. We haven’t discussed it deeply, but you alarmed me earlier when you basically told me that you’re ready. Is this true?”
“I don’t see why I wouldn’t be, Doc. I know it’s coming, I’ve accepted it.” I shrug. Shouldn’t he be happy about that?
“Lane, we see this in patients in the final stages of life. You’re… you’re not even near the final stages of your life. You’re still working, having fun with friends. You still have life left in you. I want to make sure you’re living it.”
“I understand you, Doc.” I don’t want false hope though, so you need to stop talking to me like I’m going to live. “Can we get on with the results, please? I have plans tonight.”
“Yes. Absolutely. I just need to make sure you understand cancer doesn’t equal death.” He sighs as if he’s disappointed in me. What the fuck for? I’m accepting, I’m not angry, I’m not sad. I’m happy that I have this life, and I’m living it up as best as I can.
“Understood,” I say, nodding.
Then he opens the file that’s about to show me how I’ll be spending the rest of my life.
Alexis
“You know what he’s going to want to drink?” Braydon asks from across the table. We’re meeting Lane here for dinner tonight because apparently he has something to tell us. He wouldn’t let us go with him to the doctor appointment, and he wouldn’t tell us anything over the phone other than to meet him here. We’re both at a loss as to what he needs to tell us that couldn’t have happened at our usual di
ner, but he was persistent that we switch it up tonight. As usual, he’s never early, so here we sit.
I shake my head ‘no’, because lately Lane’s eating habits have had to change daily, just depending on how his body reacts to certain foods.
“Is he on his way yet?” he asks, obviously nervous that we’re going to get bad news tonight. I shrug and look out across the restaurant, watching the everyday life of normal L.A. citizens pass us by.
Braydon thinks he switched to a fancy restaurant because he has bad news and knows I won’t throw an emotional fit in a swanky place.
I like to think it’s because he has good news and wants to celebrate.
Either way, I’m here, Bray’s here, and Lane isn’t.
“So if it’s bad news… I mean… Al, you gotta prepare yourself for it.” Braydon’s sad eyes glance over me and he clenches his jaw. “I know you two are crazy for each other, but you need to be able to step away from your feelings for him and look at reality.”
“I do. I… I can,” I whisper, not wanting to find his gaze.
These past few months have been rough, but they’ve been bearable. Sure, he got ill from the treatments each time, but aside from that we’ve been doing great. He finally cleared the air with his family, and he’s been doing some great photo shoots on the days when he feels good. Things haven’t been too bad. It’s hard for me to think that he could be gone any minute when I look at him and see a strong man still.
“Al.” Bray’s warning tone tells me he’s seeing straight through my lies. He’s good for that… seeing through the facade I put up. He’s been a rock for me these last few months. When I couldn’t cry to Lane because he was going through his own hell, I’d lean on Braydon as a friend, because he’s going through the same thing I am. We’re both watching a loved one slip, but I refuse to believe he’s dying this soon.
I refuse to let him go.
“I know, Braydon.”
“Do you? Do you know that you could wake up one morning and he could be gone? Right there. In bed with you?”
