by Rachel Del
“Listen,” he said through my open window, “let’s hang out again sometime, ok?” and before I could answer he gave the window sill a quick tap of his hand and stepped back from the car.
I thought about that kiss all the way home, and went straight up to my room and climbed onto my bed, unable to stop myself from slipping a hand under the fabric of my bikini bottoms.
Already, Ryan was in my head. After just one kiss.
I was in so much trouble.
Chapter 23
Alex
I had made things worse. So much worse.
Talon had warned me to leave Penny alone, to let her make her own decisions, but I couldn’t let this go. Not when it involved that asshat Ryan West.
She didn’t look happy when she arrived home from wherever she’d been to see me sitting on her front porch. Not that I had expected her to greet me with open arms. I thought, in passing, about how I used to always know where she was. That certainly wasn’t the case anymore.
She looked tired, like she hadn’t slept in days. But she was still beautiful.
“What is it, Alex?”
I counted to three, trying to calm myself. It didn’t work. “Ah, okay, so that’s how we’re going to talk to each other now?”
She brushed past me and pushed open the unlocked front door. She didn’t shut it in my face, which I took as an invitation to follow her inside.
“I have somewhere to be in twenty minutes and I need to shower, so I suggest that whatever it is you have to say, you say it quickly.”
I followed her up the stairs and into her bedroom. She looked at me over her shoulder. “You going to follow me into the shower, too?”
I blushed at the thought. “Sorry,” I muttered.
I sat down with my back against the door frame and listened to the shower start up. On the drive over here I had worked out exactly what I would say, but now I didn’t know where to start. There was so much I needed to say, far more than twenty minutes would allow. “What’s going on with us, Penny?”
Even over the sound of the water I could hear her heavy sigh. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t even really know what I did wrong, Pen, but I’ve apologized a handful of times and you’ve completely ignored me. I guess I just don’t get it.”
“I’m so tired,” she said, as though that explained everything.
“What is it that you’re so tired of?”
There was a loud thump and an expletive fell from Penny’s lips. “Everything. Do you know how hard it is for me right now? My family is falling apart, and I’m trying to regain some kind of control over my life, but no matter what I do, everyone has a problem with it. Either I’m doing too much of this, or not enough of that. If you could all just give me some kind of instruction manual for how I’m supposed to react, that would be great.”
I rubbed at my eyes. “We’re just worried about you is all.”
The shower stopped and she pulled open the shower curtain. “I’m fine, Alex. You can go ahead and tell everyone that. I’m seeing a therapist and he’s got me on some medication that—”
I jumped to my feet. “What kind of medication?”
“Some antidepressant,” she said with a shrug.
I palmed my forehead. “Jesus, Penny. You can’t be drinking like you have been when you’re taking that stuff. You’re going to kill yourself.”
She didn’t answer right away. Seven excruciating seconds went by in silence. “I’m easing off, okay? Nothing you’re saying is news to me. P.J. has been telling me the same thing.”
For once, I was, grateful that P.J. existed. “Good, then maybe you’ll listen to one of us.”
She came out of the bathroom, clad in her underwear, a grey towel wrapped around her head, and headed for her closet where she pulled out a pair of jean shorts and a white v-neck tee. She didn’t bother to hide from me. It was nothing I hadn’t seen already, anyway. We just have that kind of relationship. Had, I should say.
“None of this has anything to do with either of you, okay?”
She walked around me, back into the bathroom, where she began to fuss with her hair. I was momentarily shocked by how good she could make shorts and a t-shirt look. Though it didn’t help that I could glimpse the soft fold of her ass from below the hemline.
“Where are you going, anyway?”
Penny stopped brushing her hair and looked at me. “Why all the questions, Alex?”
“Why all the attitude, Penny?” I shot back. This was getting ridiculous. I wasn’t sure what I had done to make her so angry and annoyed. “If this is about me trying to get you home on Friday night, I was just following Ash’s wishes. She did tell you that she called me, begging me to take you home, right?”
I could tell by the look on her face Ash had left out that information.
“Listen, I’m fine, okay? I’m taking my medication and seeing my therapist every week. P.J. has been helping me with my writing. I’ve been working on a new book and it’s going well. Don’t go taking all of this personally. I’ve just been preoccupied.”
I couldn’t help but still feel hurt. “You’ve been pushing me away, Penny. You can’t deny that.”
She nodded curtly. “It’s hard, okay?”
I waited for her to explain, but she said nothing. I wanted to ask her again where she was going, but she reached past me to flick off her bedroom light and exited the room. I followed her downstairs like a lost, little puppy. Somehow, in the course of eighteen and a half minutes, I had gone from feeling confused and worried to downright defeated. Whatever this new life was that Penny was shaping, she had no intention of including me in it.
“Are you seeing Ryan West?”
Her hand stopped mid-air, her car keys dangling. “That is none of your business.”
But I wasn’t deterred. “He’s not a good guy, Pen. In fact, I have plenty of evidence to the contrary. Did he tell you that he—”
Penny held up her hand, silencing me. “I am not talking about this right now.”
Not talking about this right now. She hadn’t said, not talking about this ever. I would hold on to that tiny glimmer of hope for as long as I could.
“Do you really think you’re in a good place to start dating someone new?”
She pushed her way through the front door and I followed suit. Once she had locked the door she turned back to me, locking her eyes on mine. “Fine,” she snarled. “I won’t date him.”
Chapter 24
Penny
I had no intention of dating Ryan West. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy him in other ways. Like writhing underneath me.
The thought almost made me weak in the knees, as I recalled the feeling of his lips against mine yesterday. If he could make me forget my name with just a kiss, imagine what he could do with the rest of his body.
I pulled up to the red light and adjusted my shorts. I could feel that I was wet, just from the thought of what he would do to me. I had the fleeting thought of turning the car around and heading in the direction of his house. But P.J. was waiting for me at the coffee shop.
She was at our usual table, back bent, hands flying over the keyboard. I walked by without disturbing her, checking to see if she needed a refill, but her cup was nearly full. I approached the empty front counter, searching in my purse for my wallet.
“Vanilla latte for Penny.”
I smiled at my feet before lifting my gaze to meet his. “Do I really come here that often? Or have you just taken it upon yourself to memorize my order?”
I opened my wallet, pulled out a ten, and slid it across the counter. “Keep the change, Adam.”
I wrapped my hands around the steaming cup and brought it to my lips, taking a sip. I hid the fact that I burned my tongue. “Best cup in all Las Vegas,” I crooned.
Adam waved the bill in front of his face. “You keep tipping me like this and soon I’ll have enough money to take you out.”
I smiled in a way that I hoped told him to come fi
nd me when he did.
“Hey, P.J.” I pulled out the chair opposite her and sat down, pulling out my laptop from the bag on my shoulder. I motioned to her laptop. “I hope you’re having a better morning than I am.”
She looked up at me, hazel on hazel, and her brows high on her forehead. “What’s wrong?”
I did my best to recount not only my morning with Alex, but the weekend, as well. When I’d finished, I was feeling all kinds of exhausted. I folded my arms on the table and dropped my head onto them, expelling a deep breath. “I wouldn’t dare admit this to Alex, but I’m worried that I’m making a mess of my life, when all I really want to do is make sense of it.”
She smiled kindly. “You’re doing exactly what you’re meant to do, that is, trying to figure what it is that will make you happy. It’s completely normal for someone going through what you are, Penny. So do me a favor and try to be easier on yourself.”
I nodded, lifting my head. “Do you think Alex has a point?”
P.J. smiled in a way that reminded me of how I feel when I recalled a really great memory. “It sounds like you’re very lucky to have a friend that cares so much about you. I think you should watch how you’re treating him. You could wake up one day to find that he’s not there when you need him. And that will break your heart, trust me.”
“You don’t think he’s trying to control me?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think it’s like that. But I can’t speak for the rest of your friends. There are always going to be people who try to tear you down, Penny. Because they aren’t happy with themselves, they try to bring other people down to their level. The only way to beat them, to get them out of your head where they don’t belong, is to be the best version of yourself that you can be.”
I hadn’t quite gone to the coffee shop that morning with the intention of opening up to P.J., but it had occurred so naturally, so honestly that it almost felt like fate. A lot of what happened with P.J. felt like fate.
“How do I do that? Because I honestly don’t know. A few weeks ago, I did something that I thought would make me feel better, that I thought would give me some kind of clarity, but it didn’t. It only made me feel worse and even less in control.”
It had taken some time, but I now shuddered at the thought of Nick’s hands on my body. Not to mention the other parts of him that I have deemed worthy of being inside of me.
P.J. leaned forward. “I could be the poster child for regret, Penny. Believe me. But there really is so little in life that cannot be undone if you just try. I’m sure that what you did isn’t as bad as you think it was.”
“You’re probably right,” I said.
“Listen,” she said, sinking back into her chair and reaching for her coffee. “I went through something very similar to what you’re going through. I was probably close to your age too, when it happened. And I can tell you that the only thing that saved me — beyond realizing that I was solely responsible for my own happiness — was writing about what I was going through.” She paused, tapping my closed laptop with her index finger. “Take all your pain and confusion and anger and anything else … and put it down on paper. Write through it. Use it. Use your writing to find yourself again. Because I know the real you, the best version of yourself, is in there somewhere.”
Chapter 25
Alex
I saw Penny less and less as the summer went on. Most of my calls and texts went unanswered and I hadn’t seen her in over two weeks. When I dropped by her house, her mother came to the door in various states of disrepair, but always saying the same thing. Sorry, Alex, she’s not home.
Talon had his own theory. “I don’t get it. You must have done something to piss her off.”
I shook my head. “I keep running our last few conversations through my head and I just can’t understand why she’s reacting like this.” I sighed. “She just has different priorities now, I guess.”
Talon took a swig of beer. “I don’t believe that for a second. You two were basically glued at the hip, there’s no way that her priorities would shift so much that you would no longer be in the picture.”
I shrugged. “I can’t force her to talk to me, so what am I supposed to do? Just sit here like a little puppy and wait for her?”
“You don’t have to do anything, Alex. Maybe this will be good for you guys. I mean the relationship you had was not normal.”
I scoffed. “Why? Because we didn’t want to sleep with each other?”
“Which is a total lie. But no, I wasn’t referring to that. I mean you put her on a pedestal, man. You think she’s so different from all the others that she’s somehow exempt from all the nasty characteristics women all seem to possess at one point or another.”
“That’s not true,” I said.
Lie.
Talon shrugged. “Just move on. Give her time. You’ve been so focused on her for so long that you’ve basically ignored everyone else. Go out and get laid, for God sakes.”
The sound of my laughter surprised me. When was the last time I had laughed? It felt as though all I did lately was brood.
“Speaking of getting laid; how’s your boss?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Not cool, man.”
But he didn’t let up. “You know why she’s so hard on you right? It’s called sexual tension.”
Penny
Once I started writing, I had trouble stopping. Matt had been terribly wrong; I had plenty to say about my life.
I continued to join P.J. at the coffee shop most mornings, finding it easier to concentrate before noon, at which point my brain began to slowly implode on itself. We would sit across from each other in silence, hammering away on our respective keyboards, drinking endless cups of coffee that I always seemed to be the one to buy. I’d never consumed so much coffee in my life, or been as jittery, but I’d also never written like that before. I felt renewed.
When I told all of this to Dr. Scott, he had smiled reassuringly. “You’ve made some great progress, Penny.”
P.J. thought it was great that I was seeing a psychiatrist. She said she saw one when she was around my age, and wished she had stayed with it longer, and pressed me for information each Friday morning, knowing I had been to see him Thursday afternoon.
First, she’d ply me with a bear claw, as she’d come to know it was a sure fire way to get me to start talking. I had admitted my reluctant and not at all reciprocated attraction to Alex early on, and it was something that she liked to come back to every so often. One morning, after I’d licked the sugar from my fingers, she looked up from her computer screen and asked me if I’d ever thought of acting on my attraction to him.
“He’s my best friend. Or … was? I don’t really know anymore.”
She shrugged as though it was a minor detail, and I shook my head wildly from side to side. “It’s too weird. He knows me too well.”
“That’s not a bad thing, Penny. It certainly beats the alternative of living your life with someone who doesn’t know you at all.”
“Is that what happened to you?” I asked quietly, feeling instantly wrong for having asked when I saw the pained expression on her face.
“I took the easy road. Everything in my life seemed so complicated and I couldn’t bear the thought of making it any worse. I realized I had to make a decision and stick with it, no matter what. On one side I had the safe, easy, smart choice. And on the other, the complicated and messy. Can you guess which road I went down?”
P.J. was opening up to me. It was such a rare occurrence that I kept my eyes cast downwards, too scared to disrupt her with an answer. I was realizing that I had longed for this moment.
“I wasn’t strong enough to follow my heart, Penny, and I’ve spent the rest of my life living with the consequences of that decision. I can’t help but feel as though you’re on the same path, which is why I feel the need to speak up.”
I finally lifted my eyes to meet hers. I pulled in a surprised breath upon seeing the pain and disapp
ointment within them.
“I don’t want you to grow up bitter and full of regrets. Trust me when I say that’s no way to live.” She sighed heavily. “Penny, I want you to promise me you will always do what feels right and true in your heart rather than what makes the most sense.”
I had so much I wanted to say to her then, but I couldn’t form the words, so I simply nodded instead. I knew what it meant to live with regrets. I already regretted so much of what I’d done in my life. Or maybe I regretted all I hadn’t done. Either way, I knew the feeling well.
P.J. had gone silent. She had her eyes closed.
“I’m sorry,” I said, because I still couldn’t think of what to say. I was sorry. I was sorry that she was unhappy. I was sorry that she had to live all these years thinking about someone else. I was sorry that I couldn’t do anything to help her.
P.J.’s eyes softened. “As long as you can make that promise to me, Penny, then you have nothing to be sorry for.”
I thought about her words … really thought about them … I knew that I was already failing her. If I were truly listening to my heart, I wouldn’t be pushing Alex away when I should have been pulling him even closer.
But I knew I wanted to be better. I needed to be better.
I sat up straight, squaring my shoulders. “I promise you.”
The air around us was charged with nervous energy. I felt both strengthened and troubled by our conversation. It was one thing to promise her that I would follow my heart. Following through was another story. If my past was any indication, I would need P.J. around forever, reminding me of my promise.
I tried to swallow down the shame rising in my throat.
P.J., seemingly happy with the outcome of our conversation, switched gears easily and went back to her work. She never discussed what she was writing with me, and I never pushed her to tell me. I never wanted to push her; so afraid was I that I would scare her off. If her opening up to me today was any indication of the direction in which our friendship was headed, then I was going to try my hardest not tread lightly.
