Scott sensed her turmoil. ‘Relax. We’ll have a pleasant evening and I’ll send you home in a taxi.’ He should never have asked her to come, Scott thought. She wasn’t ready and he was pressuring her. He was a fool and there was a real risk that they’d do something she or he could regret. He didn’t want that. ‘Would you like me to take you home now?’
Yes, she thought. ‘No, I’m fine,’ she said.
It was a little easier when they arrived at his house. They walked around the garden to see which shrubs were flowering at the moment, and by the time they were back on the verandah Bella was feeling more in control. A large glass of Verdello helped.
The conversation flowed and they slipped into the old rapport that had been such a big part of their relationship all those years ago. Bella only had to half explain things and Scott understood the nuances and why.
But there was more humour between them now and the longer they talked the more relaxed Bella became.
The sun slowly sank over the river and they leaned on the verandah rail to enjoy the cascade of changing colours against the mountains in the distance. When the sun had set she sighed.
‘I think we should eat.’ Bella stared into her empty glass and Scott nodded.
‘I’ve really enjoyed this, Bella,’ he said. ‘Come through into the lounge while I phone the restaurant. You can choose some music while we wait.’
Bella found some ballads that suited her mood and she flitted around the furniture admiring Scott’s carpentry, still awed by the fact that he had furnished his house with his own creations. She wandered across to the mantelpiece where there was one single photo of Scott as a young man, flanked by an older couple. The resemblance to Blake was striking.
He came back into the room and tucked his wallet back into his trousers. ‘What shall we do while we wait?’
‘Is this your aunt and uncle?’
He crossed the room to her and stared at the photo. ‘Yes. I was about seventeen. I’ve changed a bit since then.’
Bella stared at the photo. ‘Not that much. Your hair was lighter and, of course, your build was more slight. Your son probably looks like that now.’
She saw him frown as he stared at the photo with more attention. She wondered if he could see the resemblance between the photo and Blake as he was now. Would Scott comment on the similarities between Blake and himself, and should she tell him her own thoughts? Bella didn’t know what to do. ‘What are you thinking?’ she asked instead.
He looked at her and then back at the photo. ‘It’s nothing. A crazy thought.’ Her heart rate accelerated and then settled when he shook his head to shrug it off. Then he smiled at her and subtly the mood in the room changed.
‘Where were we?’ he said.
Bella turned her back to him before he saw the awareness in her eyes. ‘Monopoly?’ She offered.
‘Maybe I should just take you home now and they can deliver your part of the Chinese food to your house.’
‘That’s always an option.’ Bella talked to the safety of the mantelpiece in front of her.
His voice came from behind her shoulder and although he wasn’t touching her she could feel the heat from his body next to hers and the vibration of energy between them.
‘You should be wary but we won’t do anything you don’t want to do, Bella,’ he said, but they both knew that wasn’t the problem.
‘It’s not your control I’m worried about, Scott,’ she said dryly, and turned to face him. Bad idea.
He was very close. They stared at each other and she shook her head. ‘Why do I feel as if I’m going to regret this if I do and regret it if I don’t?’
‘What are you talking about?’ he said, and moved back a pace.
‘I think you should just kiss me and let the rest work itself out.’ Bella watched his eyes widen and his hands went back behind his body in denial.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’
Her eyes burned into his. ‘Please?’
He shut his eyes for a moment and then leaned forward and stroked her cheek. ‘Ah, Bella. I need to take you home because we’re not ready for this. You don’t know all the disadvantages there are to being with me.’
Bella had made her choice. She captured his finger and kissed it, and he froze. Then, unable to help himself, he slid his hand around her neck and pulled her close against him.
‘One kiss,’ he said, and lowered his mouth to hers. And the next time she breathed he was there. But it was never going to be one kiss if Bella had her way.
Nibbles of desire flickered along her limbs with every taste of his mouth. Every whisper of breath between them lifted the stakes higher.
She had to choose now or lay the blame at his door like the weakling she’d always been. She chose to raise the stakes.
If she didn’t hold him now, properly, then any chance she had of convincing him that they were right together would be gone for ever, Bella feared. There was liberation in that commitment and she felt as if a weight had gone from her shoulders. She would live with the consequences.
She returned his kiss fiercely and he froze for a second as his arms went around her and she sighed against him. This was what she wanted and needed and, judging by the firmness of Scott’s hold, he was in no hurry to let her go.
The taste of him entwined with the pressure of his mouth and created an enthralling environment any promptings of Bella’s sanity couldn’t compete against.
This was what she wanted, and what she’d been afraid of. Her hands crept up to his neck and threaded in his hair. His long fingers splayed across her hips and she was crushed against him. It was like a homecoming and she pressed herself closer, revelling in the danger.
Scott’s mouth seduced and enticed her like a duellist and Bella cherished the possessive way he held her against him. Possessive yet with such sweetness that she felt the tears sting her eyes.
The music from the stereo flickered through her consciousness to match the kindling flames that flashed and roared inside her in time to the now rhythmic plundering of her mouth by his. Scott claimed her in a way that erased every kiss any other man had given her. The magic he created opened up a range of sensations that had her dazzled.
She moaned and whispered his name. Her body swayed as she leaned into him. To be in Scott’s arms was everything she’d dreamed it would be.
Scott was in deep trouble. Here was the woman he’d always loved, adored from afar, yielding in his arms and enthralled, and it would be so incredibly difficult to do anything but complete the longed-for journey and make her his.
After a mighty effort he tried to calm the storm they’d created. It was the last thing he wanted but once he’d had her he knew he’d never be able to resist again. He still wasn’t sure he was the best person for Bella. At such a time in his life was he loving Bella or seeking comfort from the hurt of being excluded from his son’s life? Amidst all his emotional confusion, could he really trust his feelings? He tried to concentrate on that thought but it receded in the heat of the moment.
Scott groaned and tried to break away as he recognised how close they were to total abandon. But Bella wouldn’t let him. She held him with her hands on either side of his face, as if for them to break apart would terminate the world she’d finally found with him.
He could see the last of his control spinning out of reach, and he dug deeper to regain it. No matter what the cost, he had to know if she really wanted this.
‘Are you sure, Bella?’ He wrenched the words out against her mouth and she stilled for a moment as if she comprehended, but he didn’t think she did. Then her tongue touched his with emboldened innocence and he felt the spear of intense pleasure shatter his gut into a million pieces. He had to kiss her back and the vortex swallowed him.
The next time he surfaced she was in his arms, soft and pliant against his chest as he strode to his bed. They were semi-naked and he leaned over her when he laid her across the quilt in front of him. Red hair fanned out behind her i
n a crinkled wave, and the tips of her creamy breasts spilled from the lace of her bra. She was everything he’d dreamed of and had never imagined holding. The briefest window of sanity opened and it was up to him to make the final effort.
‘Bella?’ He stared into her eyes until she focussed, and he saw the exact moment when she realised he had control back. ‘We need to stop.’
‘Don’t even think about stopping!’ she whispered, and pulled his head down. He groaned and accepted that he’d lost and won and lost until he realised there was one more responsibility.
He reached for his wallet in his discarded trousers. The condom really did glow in the dark.
CHAPTER NINE
WHEN sanity returned, Bella lay snuggled in his arms and Scott stared at the ceiling. He could feel her body warm and sweet against his and he couldn’t comprehend how they had come to this stage. All the years he’d wanted her, and now she rested in his arms as if she belonged there. He couldn’t fool himself it would be for ever but for the moment it was worth grabbing and holding to cherish in the empty years to come.
He squeezed her against him and she burrowed into his chest and he thought he could die a happy man. But he didn’t say it because he didn’t think he would.
A short time later Bella stirred and edged away from under his encircling arm until she could sit up. He felt her rise from the bed and he stretched out his hand to detain her but unconsciously she evaded him. Even now, when his wildest dream had come true, he didn’t know what she was thinking.
She stretched to reach his shirt that was lying in a scrunched heap near her foot and held it against her chest. The crickets chirped in the back yard and he could hear the sound of occasional traffic. She stood with her back to the bed and looked out into the lounge room where the music had finished. Thank goodness they hadn’t turned the lights on. Mentally, he felt better in the dark.
The moon was rising so before he had to look at everything under a spotlight, he needed to think the events of the day through.
Bella walked away and he stared at the purity of line in the curve of her back. Then she was gone from his sight and he couldn’t think of anything except the feeling of emptiness without Bella against him. It was as if he’d lost her all over again. He rolled back and stared at the ceiling again.
The responsibility for the last half-hour rested with both of them. But where did their future lie? What did she expect from him? He loved her too much to short-change her. He’d failed as a husband before, and failed as a father. If they had children together he’d be sixty before they left home. The picture chilled him. Maybe he should find and make peace with his own son before he risked his parenting skills on any children Bella might want.
The memory of the photograph in the other room haunted him, along with that crazy, improbable thought that had crossed his mind—long hair and piercings aside, the resemblance between Blake and himself in his youth was remarkable.
He pushed the thought from his mind. Bella deserved his full commitment, not just the part of him that didn’t belong to the son he had to find. He needed more time so he could give her everything she deserved.
‘Bella?’
She heard Scott’s voice from the bedroom and she cast one more glance at the photograph before crossing the hall to slip back into the room. He stretched out his hand to draw her back to bed and she slipped under the sheet to nestle under his arm.
He lifted her fingers to his mouth and she closed her eyes at the reverence of his salute. It was the tenderness of his love-making that had undone her. Every caress had said Scott loved her. She didn’t doubt that fact because it had been in his every searching kiss, every touch and in his superhuman efforts to prevent the one thing that she’d needed to feel whole again.
With relief, she became aware that any lingering disgust from last year’s attack had dissolved and been replaced with the tenderness of her true love’s consummation.
And she loved Scott. She always had. What came next should be simple, but she knew it wouldn’t be. There would be a struggle to overcome his entrenched ideas of what she deserved in a husband.
‘If you loved me, why waste twelve years that we could have been together? Why has it taken so long to get here, Scott?’
Bella’s voice drifted across to him and Scott breathed in the scent of her skin one last time before he let her go. Every word she spoke was like a knife. This was what he’d been afraid of. She needed his total commitment. The whole man he’d never revealed to her. He was afraid she wouldn’t find him the hero she expected him to be. ‘Where do you think we are, Bella?’
He felt her shift onto her side and he turned his head to see her face close to his. The first of the lunar rays came in through the bedroom window and bathed the purity of her features and she was the moon goddess he was afraid of failing.
‘I know you love me.’ Bella’s voice was firm with conviction. ‘You’ve shown me in more ways than you can ever say and I won’t believe you if you say you don’t.’
‘Of course I love you,’ he said, and she sighed with relief. Then his voice lowered because the lies wouldn’t come out in a strong voice. ‘But I’m not sure of marriage or children or setting up house together or tying you to visiting me in the nursing home when I’m decrepit.’
She flinched and he felt the pain being dragged through his guts like an oversized grappling hook. Here he was again, wounding Bella for her own good. He hated it. He hated the whole bloody fiasco. And he almost wished she hated him so that he would never have to do this again. He sat up on the edge of the bed with his back to her.
‘None of those things frighten me, Scott,’ she said. ‘So before you erect a wall between us…’ she laid her hand on his arm ‘…I would like to know, if you weren’t thinking marriage and commitment and children, what you were thinking when we made love.’
He refused to look at her. ‘There was so much heat I didn’t think of much at all. You stun me. The scent of you drives me out of my mind. There wasn’t much room for deep and meaningful.’
Her laugh held a trace of bitterness. ‘Why do you think I do that to you and you do it to me? As for chemistry driving us to abandon—I seem to remember it was more on my mind than yours.’ She shook her head. ‘You’re lying. If that was all our little romp—’ she watched him flinch at the words ‘—was to you, why did you try to stop it happening?’
At that he swung his feet over the edge of the bed and stood up, and the moonlight turned him into a silver stranger, strong-chested and implacable.
‘You’re not a child any more, Bella. Fairy-tales don’t happen.’ He stared at her. ‘What we did may not have been the most sensible course for this stage in our relationship. I’m sorry I didn’t realise that sooner.’
Bella couldn’t believe he’d said that. ‘Well, just so you know for future reference, your apology is not needed. I decide when and with whom I make love—it’s my responsibility. From your comments it looks as though I took advantage of you. I believe what we have is beautiful and pure and if you’re too frightened to reach for it I can’t force you.’ She slid out of the bed and collected her clothes.
Scott was still going to fight against something that should have been sorted out years ago. He couldn’t deny that they created magic when they were together and she felt like screaming with frustration when he’d said it was all just proximity.
He loved her and finally she was sure of that. That in itself was liberating. She glanced back at him at the side of the bed and allowed herself a small mental hug at the memories of their time together and then walked from the room to phone a taxi.
She dressed and while she waited she put her head in her hands. How was she going to convince Scott that it was him she’d always wanted? Surely he didn’t believe she thought him too old. No fool could believe that. But what was she supposed to do? She wouldn’t give up. That was for sure. Today had been a major step forward—as long as he didn’t shut her out.
Monday
Monday on the ward was busy, which was lucky as there was little time for personal concerns once Bella arrived for work.
A woman with an undiagnosed breech presentation in labour had been booked for urgent Caesarean section for eight o’clock. Bella needed to ensure all was ready for the patient to be transferred.
Rene Jackson had been at school a couple of years ahead of Bella, and the two girls had played hockey together.
Bella was thrilled to see her friend. ‘Rene, I didn’t recognise your married name. It’s great to see you.’
Rene, a petite blonde-haired woman, smiled at Bella with relief. ‘I’m so pleased you’re on. Sharon said you’ll come with me to the theatre.’ Her voice shook. ‘It’s all been such a shock.’
Bella hugged her. ‘Caesareans always are. The scary thing is that between ten and twenty per cent of women seem to end up with one.’ She helped Rene dissolve her nail polish with remover so that the anaesthetist could see the colour of her nailbeds if he needed to.
Rene chewed her lip. ‘I’m worried about Jim, my husband. What if he faints when the operation starts?’
Bella smiled. ‘Not many husbands faint in Theatre. We set you up so that neither of you can see the gory bits. He’ll sit in a chair beside your head and when your baby is born it’s all worth it to be awake for the actual birth and to have your man beside you.’
Rene twisted her ring on her finger so Bella could tape it in place so that it wouldn’t get caught on anything in Theatre. ‘We talked about it and Jim is keen to be there for me.’ She glanced at the travel clock on the bedside table. ‘He should be here soon.’
As she spoke there was a knock on the door and a tall surprisingly young-looking man hastened in with a worried frown on his face and a huge bunch of roses in his hand. When he saw that all was normal in the room he visibly relaxed and came across to hug his wife. ‘Sorry I’m late, baby. I wanted to get you flowers before you went in.’
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