Riding Solo

by Woods, Karen

  Harry sat forward in his seat. He was sure he heard this man say another man’s name, he looked at Grace for answers but she wasn’t sure if she’d heard him right too. Amanda coughed to clear her throat and asked the question they all wanted to know. “So you’re gay then?”

  Fred nodded his head slowly and was unsure of his next move. Half sat down in his seat he looked at the other clients. “Is it a problem that I’m gay?”

  Amanda shook her head. “Not with me love, Arthur or Martha, you’re all the same to me.”

  Grace spoke in a calm low voice. “Not a problem with me either.” There was just Harry left to answer; he was fidgeting in his seat pretending he hadn’t heard the question.

  Marcy coughed to get his attention. “Is that okay with you Harry?” Looking surprised he lifted his head up. “Oh, I didn’t know you were you talking to me? Yep, no worries with me either Fred. Each to their own.”

  Marcy smiled and carried on with her class. “Right I hope you all brought the photographs along today like I asked you to?” Each of them dug into their bags and pockets and pulled out the snaps of their loved ones. Marcy collected them all and put them in a neat pile in front of her. Slowly she picked the first photograph up. “Amanda this is your partner isn’t it? Can you tell me about him and why you loved him?” Grace sighed, this was going to be hard work, she just thought she might have had to lie down on a long sofa and cry a few tears here today, she never expected this in a million years.

  Amanda raised her eyes to the ceiling. Snivelling she reached over and took the photo into her hands. Holding it to her heart she began. “This is my Paul, my soul mate, my life. I loved him because he was my everything. From the age of fifteen he was my true love.” Marcy passed Amanda the tissues over to wipe the tears away before she continued. “He was always going on about how much he loved motorbikes, I hated them myself, but it was his dream to have one.” The group were listening eagerly. This was a great story. “I’m to blame for his death you know. I got a loan from the bank to buy him the bike for his birthday. If it wasn’t for me, he would still be here today.”

  Marcy could feel this woman’s pain and brought her to a standstill while she stopped sobbing. “Tell me why you loved him?”

  Amanda smiled from cheek to cheek; this was her time to shine. “I loved him because he saved me. I was just a lost soul before Paul. My life was fucked and I had a lot of stuff going on at home that I don’t want to talk about. He loved me unconditionally, he never moaned, even when I was hormonal and set about him, he still loved me for who I was.”

  “How do you feel now he’s gone Amanda?” Marcy asked.

  Taking her time to reply she played with her golden locks. Her arms slowly cradled her body. “I feel empty, scared, lost even.” Marcy thanked her and moved onto Harry. Before he spoke he asked if he could light a cigarette up, his nerves were shattered and he looked like he was going to pass out. He composed himself and sipped a glass of water in front of him. “I loved my Jenny because she was my world. I never knew how much until she was gone and then it was too late.”

  Amanda jumped into the conversation. “Why did she leave you Harry?”

  Taking his time to find the right words he answered her in a low voice. “I fucked up big time. I had everything I ever wanted right in front of my eyes and I didn’t realise it until it was too late. I just thought me and Jenny were forever. I never thought for one minute that she would just leave me for another man.” Grace was hanging onto this man’s every word, he was going through the same thing as she was.

  Amanda was at it again, she wouldn’t shut up. “There’s no smoke without fire, come on you must have done something to make her leave. I bet you were a player weren’t you?” Amanda was waiting for an answer; she looked like she was flirting with him.

  Harry pulled a sour face; this woman was doing his head in. There was no way he was having her talk to him like that. Who did she think she was anyway? She was still a kid in his eyes. He looked at her straight in the eyes and he was angry. “Listen love, you don’t even know me so wind your neck in and keep out of my business.”

  Marcy was on the edge of her seat she needed to diffuse this situation as soon as possible, it was getting out of hand. “Amanda, can I ask you to keep quiet when other people are talking? You can have your say when it’s your turn to talk.”

  Amanda shrugged her shoulders and blew her breath. “I was only saying, that’s all,” she mumbled under her breath.

  Harry bit his bottom lip and continued. “It all just came out of the blue. If she would have given me some warning then perhaps I might have been able to prepare myself, but nothing, she just upped and left.” Grace was fidgeting, her turn was coming and she was going bright red in the face. She was never good at talking in front of people and she was out of her comfort zone.

  Marcy thanked Harry and moved onto Fred. He was around fifty years of age, plump in figure and looked a bit like Christopher Biggins from the TV. He was smiling from ear-to-ear and playing with his sausage-like fingers. “I’m finding it hard to cope with everything. I watch Ray every single day slipping away from me and there is nothing I can do. I know you all think I’m soft and I really should be dealing with this, but if he leaves me I can’t see myself ever getting on with my life. We’re a team, we always have been.” Marcy welled up, this was going to be a lot harder than she first thought and she questioned whether or not she had the strength to listen to all this heartache.

  After Grace had said a few words about her heartache Marcy passed them each a piece of paper and asked them to list five emotions they were going through on the piece of paper. Amanda was at it again, she was being a right bitch. “I think this exercise is pointless. Are you taking the piss or what? We are all here because we’re fucked up in the head, surely as a therapist you should know what we’re going through without us having to write it down?”

  Marcy was chomping at the bit. This woman was getting right up her nose and she had to put her in her place. “Amanda, are you going to keep questioning everything I say? You’re here for the same reason as everyone else. If you want me to try and help you, please stop questioning my ability to do so.” There it was, Marcy stood tall and made it clear to the woman that she was doing her head in. She even found the words to sound professional about it too.

  Amanda stared at the blank piece of paper in front of her and chewed on the end of her blue pen. She kept gawping at Harry, their eyes met a few times and they smiled at each other. “Just write the emotions down in order of importance to you. If you’re struggling let me know,” Marcy stressed.

  Grace held the pen tightly in her grip, she was thinking. As if the pen had a mind of its own, she started to write down some words. Alone, betrayed, heartbroken, lost and humiliated were her priority words. Harry was tapping his finger on his front teeth for a minute, his head dipped down and he started writing.

  Once they were all done Marcy collected the paperwork and sat down. After reading them all she crossed her legs and began speaking. “Grace, I see you have written humiliated?” she nodded. “Can you tell me why you feel like this?”

  Grace was ready to explode. Months of stored emotions came to the surface and she was like a woman on a mission. “I feel like everyone’s talking about me, pitying me. Do you know how that feels when you walk past people in the street and you can see them whispering to each other behind your back. I know what they’re thinking you know,” she took a deep breath. “’Oh, look at Grace, her husband was sleeping with some young stuff, she’s lost without him the poor soul.’”

  Marcy stepped in. “Did you ever tell anyone how you really feel?”

  “I tell my friend Winnie. You know, the one you met outside before. Marcy, how can you put into words what’s really going on inside your head,” taking a deep breath she continued. “When I first found out he was having an affair, I wanted to chop his dick right off, but then, I went to another emotion of still loving him, then I switched ba
ck to hating him again. I’m so mixed up inside. After all he’s done to me why do I still ache for the bastard. Am I crackers or what?”

  Marcy shook her head. “No love you’re not, this is normal behaviour.”

  Harry chuckled out loudly and looked relieved. “Fuck me, do you feel like that too? I thought it was just me. I thought I was sick in the head or something.”

  Amanda looked serious at them all. “I wish I could have my partner back. Even if he’d cheated on me or beaten me I would still love him. Just to have him by my side again would be worth all the misery.” They all looked at her and for the first time the class felt her heartache. Fred rubbed her shoulder slowly but she moved away quickly, she screwed her face up and ranted to the class. “I can’t except love from anyone else. I feel like I’m cheating on him,” she sobbed with a look of desperation on her face. “Even you touching me then Fred made my skin crawl. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just mean, I can’t ever imagine me having another man in my life.”

  Harry sat forward in his seat. “Don’t you think we are all in the same boat, Amanda? I couldn’t ever imagine myself sleeping with another woman again. To tell you the truth, I’ve not had a hard on since Jenny left. Will I ever have sex again? Say my nob’s out of action for good.”

  Marcy hid her face behind the pieces of paper in her hand. These clients were so funny. Grace piped up and her face was serious. “Oi, never mind you and your nob. My tits are like spaniels ears, compared to my husband’s knock off - I’m old and wrinkled, what chance do I stand? Martin was used to my body and we were confident around each other. Am I now expected to start the dating game again? I’m fifty! It’s just not fair. I’m going to have to have some surgery done if I’m ever going to get a man again.”

  Fred was rolling about the sofa laughing his head off. “Oh, you lot are bonkers. I feel better already. Grace you’re a very attractive lady. I see you having no problems with getting any male attention. You’ll be fine.” Grace hid her face away behind her hands. It had been that long since anyone had ever called her attractive, she was beetroot.

  Amanda stood up she was raging. “How can you even think of moving on if you still love your partners? I think you need to show some respect for yourselves especially you Grace. It’s like you said you’re fifty years of age, so just bow down gracefully.”

  Harry and Fred shot a look to each other, they knew any moment now the place would go up. Grace gritted her teeth together tightly and cracked her knuckles; there was no way this sarcastic bitch was getting away with her last comment. Grace defended herself, she was ready to scratch her eyeballs out. “Listen here you, I might be old, but I still deserve the right to be loved. If my husband wanted to go somewhere else for a leg-over, then why can’t I?” she shot a look at Amanda as she continued. “I suggest you keep your mouth closed love if you know what’s good for you. We’re all here for our own personal experience. I know you never want to be with another man again, but that’s your choice. If you want to mourn for the rest of your life then feel free, because I’m not. I want to move on and if a chance comes along for me to meet another man, then I’m going for it, end of.”

  Grace picked up her glass of water from the table and looked at everyone else in the room. Harry sat back in his chair and slowly clapped his hands together. “Hear, hear,” he said with a smile on his face. Marcy brought order back to the room again and it was clear that Amanda had well and truly spit her dummy out. She was twiddling with her fingers keeping her head low. Fred wanted to say something, his lips were moving but no words were coming out. He put his hand up and Marcy nodded her head for him to speak. “My Raymond has told me to move on after he’s gone. He said he can’t stand the thought of me being alone for the rest of my life.”

  Amanda raised her eyes to the ceiling and blew her breath. Marcy growled at her, she was really getting right under her skin. Harry patted his hand on Fred’s shoulder. “That’s mint that mate. He must really love you to say something like that?” Fred was tearful and just nodded his head. Marcy was ready to move the class on, there wasn’t much time left and she needed to get through the last part of her session. Passing them each a white sheet of paper, she told them to have a quick read through her own personal story. The sound of paper flicking over filled the room and every now and then Grace lifted her head up and looked at her. When they’d finished reading through her story, they seemed lost for words because the room was quiet.

  “So,” Marcy said in a low voice. “That’s why I do what I do.”

  Harry smiled at her. “Hat’s off to you girl, it takes a lot to bounce back from where you’ve come from.”

  It was now time for each of them to tell the class how they planned to move on with their lives without their partners. Grace was really into the session and she was eager to talk. “I’m going to join one of them dating sites. I mean, life has to go on hasn’t it? And, if it was good enough for him, then it’s good enough for me.”

  Marcy smiled. “That’s a good start Grace. What about you Harry, what’s your next move?”

  This wasn’t easy for him to say, you could see him shaking his head. “I still want to rip her head off and batter fuck out of her new fella. There you go, I’ve said it. That’s how I feel. I’m so angry inside and that will never leave me. I’ve tried everything to get rid of this feeling, but it just sneaks up on me and gets right under my skin. I want to hurt him bad. He’s destroyed everything I had. My kid’s, my Jenny,” he ran his fingers through his hair and held a serious look on his face. “Do you know how it feels to lie there in bed every night knowing that some other man is saying goodnight to my kids. He’s just stepped into their lives and it’s like I never existed.” The pain in his heart was there for everyone to see. Steam was coming out of his ears, and you could see he had a long way to go to ever move on from this relationship.

  Marcy looked at him directly in the eyes. “Time’s a good healer Harry. You might not think it now but in time you will feel different.”

  Amanda was bored; she stood up and grabbed her coat from the table at the side of her. “Listen I’ve got to get off home. I might come back next week, but there again I might not.”

  Marcy stood up, there was no way this woman was breaking her temper. “Thanks for coming today Amanda, I hope you can carry on coming to the session. It will help you deal with your feelings you know?”

  Amanda was half way out of the door; she flicked her hair back over her shoulder and gave a half-hearted smile. “Maybe, let’s see.” Amanda was gone.

  Marcy smiled as she sat back down in her seat. The session was nearly over. “I hope today has been the starting point for you all and the new life you have set out in front of you. It’s going to be hard I know, but take every day as it comes and the pain in your heart will ease.”

  Grace smiled, something inside her was changing. This class was like a breath of fresh air and she felt alive again. Harry still looked like a ticking bomb and his knuckles were turning white as he clenched his fist together remembering his pain. He was going to need the classes more than anyone, he had a long way to go. Fred was a man of few words and he just went along with anything that was said, he told Marcy how much he enjoyed the class and made a quick exit after he’d said goodbye.

  Grace and Harry stood talking; you could see them exchanging phone numbers. “If you need a chat or if you’re struggling just give me a ring,” Grace said.

  Harry folded the small white piece of paper up and placed it in his back pocket, he walked over to Marcy. “Thanks for today; I hope I haven’t done your head in too much. I’ll probably be in therapy for years with all my problems won’t I?”

  Marcy smiled and patted him on the shoulder. “You’re stronger than you think Harry, I’m sure you will find your way.”

  “I hope so,” he responded ruefully. Harry and Grace left together and Marcy punched her clenched fist into the air. She was smiling from ear to ear. The session had gone better than she’d expec
ted and she couldn’t wait to tell Louise all about her success.

  Grace walked into the corridor and Winnie was waving her hand about at the other end of the hallway. Smiling, she walked towards her. “Well, are you better now or what?”

  Grace carried on walking as Winnie tagged along with her. “Bleeding hell, I’ve only had one session. What do you want miracles? This is going to take time.”

  Winnie chuckled and pulled her closer making sure nobody else could hear her. “What about the others? What’s their stories?”

  Grace stammered. “Ssssh will you, I will fill you in when we get home. It’s all confidential what happens in the class, so keep your voice down.” The two women walked towards the bus stop. Grace seemed calmer, the colour was returning to her cheeks. All in all it had been a great day.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Harry Bailey sat staring at the four walls in his front room, his legs were crossed and he was chewing rapidly on the loose bit of skin at the side of his thumb. The room was eerie. It was dark and stank of stale tobacco. Harry’s eyes looked vacant as he just sat their twiddling his thumbs, he was talking to himself. He’d lost the plot for sure. Pots piled high in the sink and dust as thick as a loaf of bread sat on top of the furniture, the place needed a good clean. Harry was never really domesticated; don’t get me wrong, he did the odd job once a month around the house to keep the peace, but in reality he was bone idle. Jenny had always done everything in the household, she loved a clean home. He missed her so much these days, missed her moaning, missed her cuddles, he missed everything about her. At that moment in time Harry would have given everything he owned to hold her in his arms again.