Riding Solo

by Woods, Karen

  Grace pulled her dress back on and her cheeks were bright red. Seeing her black bra dangling over the side of the arm of the chair she gripped it quickly and shoved it in her handbag. Danny was still naked and he didn’t care - he was in a world of his own and a smile was fixed firmly on his face. “You were amazing. I’m not just saying it but that was the best sex I’ve had in a long time.” Hidden from his view she tilted her head to the side. Was she hearing him right, did he just say she was a good leg-over? He pulled her nearer and stroked his flat palm over her forehead. “You’re everything I’m looking for in a woman you are. I hope we can do this again sometime?” Before she could reply a singing voice from outside made them look at each other. It was a woman singing at the top of her voice. Grace sniggered as she held her ear closer to the window, it was Winnie. “Somebody’s obviously had a good night then.”

  Grace couldn’t hold her tongue any longer; she had to tell him who the singer was. “I was scared of meeting you tonight you know. I brought my friend along with me, just to sit in the pub.”

  Danny shot a look at her and sat up straight. “Did you really?”

  “Yes, I bleeding well did. I mean, you could have been a raging pervert or something, how was I to know?” She dipped her head and continued. “Anyway, my mate Winnie came with me. Do you remember the woman singing in the pub? The one we were singing along to?”

  Danny was confused for a moment, then he must have remembered who she was talking about because he started smiling. “Oh yeah. I remember her, smashing voice she had.”

  “Well, that’s my friend Winnie. She loves singing and well, she stayed out in the pub on her own. Listen to her now, she sounds pissed out of her head. Stan will go ape at her, he thinks she’s been at bingo” The couple howled laughing as Winnie’s voice got louder. This was a night to remember for sure. Grace was now back in the game and she was no longer pining for her husband.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Marcy sat waiting for her clients to arrive. She had gained a few pounds in the past month or so and her face had colour in it. Sam, her new partner, had seen to it that he was always taking her out for meals. Their relationship was going well, and they were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. The sound of the letterbox rapping made her jump; she took a moment to regain her composure. It was time for her class to begin. It had been two weeks since their last session and she was hoping they’d made some progress. She wasn’t holding her breath though; they were a hard lot to manage. Marcy hurried into the hallway and she could see the outline of Fred stood at the door. Straightening her navy pencil skirt she swiftly wiped the front of it with a flat palm. Another deep breath and she opened the door slowly.

  Fred was stood there looking frantic; he was sobbing his heart out and nearly collapsed as he staggered inside the door. “He’s gone Marcy. Ray’s gone.” His eyes flooded with tears and he was blubbering as he fell to the floor banging his clenched fists against his head.

  Marcy helped him up and led him to the room where the sessions were being held, he was a dead weight. “Right, just sit down there and I’ll pop the kettle on. Try to take deep breaths and blow through your mouth.” Fred was inconsolable and his eyes were red raw through crying. As Marcy left to get him a hot sweet drink she turned her head back and she could see him shaking from head to toe, she knew that feeling so well and remembered when her own mother had passed away.

  Marcy came back into the room and cupped his hands in hers. “When did this happen Fred?”

  Fred swallowed hard and it took a few minutes for him to speak. Large clear snot bubbles came out of his nose. “Last week it was. Tuesday at three-thirty-five in the afternoon. He just gave up you know? I could see he’d had enough but I was keeping him alive for me.” Marcy reached over and stroked his shoulder, he was still shaking. “I wasn’t going to come you know, but I need help now more than ever. I need someone to fix me. I just want to die.”

  Marcy passed him a tissue from the box at the side of her. “It’s going to be hard Fred, but I’m here to help you. I know at the moment you feel like you can’t go on, but times a good healer. It will get better.”

  The door opened and Grace was stood there with the receptionist. She was smiling like a Cheshire cat and bounced inside the room full of confidence. Once she clocked Fred was upset she sat down and shot a look to Marcy. “Are you alright Fred?” Grace asked him.

  “No, it’s Ray, he’s passed away.” Grace didn’t know where to look, she was sorry she’d even asked.

  Marcy stood up and walked outside; she was choking up and didn’t want to break down in front of her clients. As she walked outside she could see Harry arrive. He looked rough and even from where she stood she could smell stale alcohol on his breath. “Just go inside Harry. I’ll be back in a minute; I’m just getting some paperwork.” Harry wobbled passed her and she was sure he was drunk; he was unsteady on his feet. Marcy stood inside a cupboard and closed the door behind her, it was pitch black. Her shoulders were shaking and she covered her mouth with her hand to mask the sound of her tears. This was all so heartbreaking and it hit home about her mother’s own death. Taking deep breaths she tried her best to compose herself.

  Harry walked inside the room and he was louder than usual. He was definitely pissed. He was humming a tune under his breath and he was oblivious to Fred’s pain. Amanda walked into the room behind him and plonked down in her seat with a sour face. She was on one.

  Marcy dabbed a tissue into the corner of her eyes and made her way back to the class. Her patients were sat waiting for her. Marcy snivelled and cleared her throat. “Just to make everyone aware that Ray, Fred’s partner, has sadly passed away.”

  Harry lifted his head up and looked at Fred. “Sorry to hear about that mate. If there is anything I can do please let me know.”

  Grace rubbed at her arms and goose bumps were visible on them, it looked like someone had stepped over her grave. Amanda wriggled about and whispered under her breath. “Welcome to my world.”

  Grace snapped and stood up to her feet, she was sick to the back teeth of this woman and she needed putting in her place once and for all. “Are you tapped in the bleeding head or something love? Fred has just lost the love of his life, have a bit of bleeding sympathy.”

  Amanda wasn’t backing down and her nostrils were flaring, she sat forward in her seat as cocky as ever. “I’m just saying, that’s all. We all have shit to deal with here; and he’s no different than any of us.”

  Marcy diffused the argument straight away and tried to move the session on but Fred, who was usually very quiet and laid back, made his voice heard. He gritted his teeth and pointed his finger in Amanda’s direction. “I just hope I don’t end up bitter and twisted like you are. Ray’s gone yes, but he would never have wanted me to give up on life like you have. You’re a young girl and have your life set in front of you. You need to let go and move on.”

  There was an awkward silence in the room and you could have heard a pin drop. Amanda’s face dropped and the colour drained from her, she was as white as a ghost. You could see he’d hit a nerve and her lips started quivering. This was the quiet before the storm. Amanda stood up and bent forward ramming her finger at all the other patients. “You lot know shit about my life. I’m trying to move on aren’t I, but it’s not happening. I listen to you all going on about your lives and none of you understand what I’m going through.” She marched to Harry who was sat with his head resting in his hands. “Look at you for example, your partner left you because you were probably a shite boyfriend. Look at you, you’re weak, you’re a waste of fucking space. Jenny’s gone yeah, but she’s not dead is she?” she was on a roll now and wasn’t stopping for love nor money. “And, you sit there like it’s the end of the world. My Paul is never coming back. I’ll never see him again. That’s the difference between us all. I can’t even phone him or listen to his voice, so when you judge me remember why I’m like the way I am.” Amanda melted to her knee’s, she’d finally let
her guard down. This was the true woman Marcy wanted to see, not the hard as nails picture she painted herself out to be.

  Marcy knelt by Amanda’s side her voice was low. “Just let me help you. Day by day we will get you better. You’ll never get over Paul but you will learn how to cope with your loss in time.” Amanda moved her arms to shake Marcy’s hand from her shoulder and stood to her feet. There was no way she was excepting any comfort; she was too stubborn for that. Plonking back down, she kept her eyes low as the session continued.

  Marcy had a quick chat with them all separately about the time they’d spent away from the class and then began the group session. Sat with her legs crossed she held her note pad on her lap. “Harry, can you tell me how you’ve been coping lately?”

  Harry sat cracking his knuckles, he was edgy and couldn’t keep eye contact with anyone. Sipping his glass of water he spoke. “I tried doing myself in. I wanted to die.”

  Marcy was shocked, he’d never mentioned this to her before when they had their one to one. “Tell us why Harry,” Marcy asked.

  Harry tapped his black boot on the floor and played with the scraggy cuff from his jumper. He was hesitating. “I just can’t do it on my own anymore. What’s there to live for? I have no future, no kids, no Jenny. I’m dead inside.”

  Amanda butted in and Marcy was ready to shoot her down but for once she was making sense so she left her to carry on talking. “What about your kids? They love you no matter what, don’t make them go through the heartache we’re all going through. Because, they will you know,” her face creased with the passion of her words. “Is that what you want for them Harry, to feel empty, alone, and worthless?”

  Harry clenched his fist and smashed it hard onto the arm of the chair. “I know, I know you’re talking sense. But my head’s gone, I’m losing the plot. I think I need sectioning or something. I’m even talking to myself now. Is that fucking normal or what?”

  Marcy picked her pen up and was scribbling on her note pad. Amanda was still talking, she smirked sarcastically. “Don’t you think we’ve all been through that Harry? I sit there alone every night and talk to Paul,” her eyes were wide open. “He’s not there but that doesn’t stop me. Am I mad too then?” Harry looked confused; he thought it was just him who was off his head. Amanda continued. “I still make two brews in the morning. And, I make Paul a piece toast, so if anyone needs sectioning I think it’s me.”

  Grace nodded her head, she agreed with Amanda for a change. She’d still been doing things like that for Martin even though he wasn’t there anymore, it was just habit. They were all making progress now and the session was in full swing. Grace held a solemn look on her face. “Why am I still buying Martin’s favourite biscuits when I go shopping? I mean, twenty-two packets of the fuckers I’ve got in the cupboard now. And, let me tell you this, I’m still buying his shaving products. I just can’t seem to leave them off my shopping list.”

  Amanda sniggered and held her hand over her mouth. “I still buy socks for Paul, and boxers. I end up wearing them myself but I can’t stop it.”

  Harry tapped his fingers on the side of his chair. He thought he had problems, but listening to this lot he was more on the ball than any of them. Marcy called a break and they all sat gabbing whilst they munched on biscuits and swigged their drinks. This was it, Grace was ready to make an announcement. She sat up straight and held her hand over her eyes. “I’ve been on my first date.” Harry was listening now, if this woman could move on so could he. He playfully punched her in the arm to continue. “I met him from one of them dating sites, his name is Danny.” She had the full attention of the class.

  Amanda was enthralled by it all and couldn’t hold her tongue, she wanted to know the ins and out of a cats arse-hole. “Come on then, spill the beans. Did you kiss him? What did he look like?”

  Grace grinned and twiddled her hair, she was enjoying every second of it. This was her time to shine. “I did more than bleeding kiss him I can tell you. It was the wine you know,” she hid her face behind the cushion in shame. “He was just what I needed to move on. They say what makes you ill, makes you better, and you know what guys?” she took a deep breath and blew through her mouth, “I feel like a new woman.”

  Harry was curious now and jumped into the conversation. “What dating site is it? Can anyone join it? That’s what I need. My biggest problem is that I’m lonely. To have someone to talk to would be a lifesaver.”

  Amanda wasn’t buying any of it. She was nowhere near ready to let Paul go yet. Fred chuckled and congratulated Grace. “I think it’s a great idea. Ray told me to move on and I will in time, just not yet.” Grace was writing the information down for Harry and for the first time in a long time he was smiling again.

  Marcy sat back down and listened to them talking. Once they’d finished she sat facing Grace. “Tell me how it feels dating again.” Grace looked blank, and folded her arms, she was thinking for a few seconds. “It feels new. At first I was comparing Danny to Martin all the time, but as I let my guard down and gave the guy a chance, it was great. In fact, he is more interesting than my hubby. I never thought I would ever say that, but honest, when I look back at Martin he was a boring old fart.” She giggled and wafted her hand in front of her; she was having a hot flush. “Mind you, I bet he thinks the same thing about me,” her face was serious. “When I think back, we were just comfortable with each other. We were a routine, stuck in a rut so to speak.”

  Harry agreed and clapped his hands together slowly. “Yep, it’s the routine you miss. There’s a big void in your life and somehow that’s the hardest part to fill.”

  Marcy knew the next question was a bit intimate but she asked it anyway. She rolled her black pen around in her fingers. “What about the sex Grace? At our last session you were saying you were ashamed of your body and you could never imagine yourself sleeping with another man.”

  Grace was blushing; everyone’s eyes were fixed on her, waiting for an answer. Taking a deep breath she answered the question. “I thought I was going to be ashamed of my body, but I’ve realised it’s not all about body shapes and slender waistlines. Danny told me I was gorgeous from the off and the best he’d had for a long time. Do you know how good I felt after hearing that?” Harry was hanging on her every word; he was sucked in by the whole drama. “I felt amazing. Yes, I still miss Martin, but I feel so different now, it’s like the score has been settled. The emotions of loneliness, low self-esteem, no confidence, has just all passed me by at the drop of a hat.”

  Marcy was excited. This was going to be her first success story. Everything was falling into place just as she’d imagined it. Grace Willis had come to her just weeks before a desperate woman, but to look at her now she was a completely different person. Harry sighed. “I need to start dating again. Do you think I’m ready Marcy?”

  Amanda spoke without being asked, yet again, she was being a right pain in the arse. “You will be when you sort your hygiene out,” she was serious. “Mate, you stink. And look at your hair you could fry an egg on that barnet, it’s minging. You need to go and get a haircut and start looking after yourself again. That’s your first step before you even start thinking about dating again.”

  Harry sniffed his arm pits, Amanda was right. He raised a half hearted smile and ragged his fingers through his hair. “I do need a woman’s touch don’t I? That’s what I need isn’t it Amanda?” he paused and smirked at her holding his stare. They were flirting with each other again. “Why don’t you style me? I can be your new project and it will keep you busy?”

  Amanda held the bottom of her stomach laughing. “Are you being serious or what?”

  Harry nodded his head, his eyes were wide open and everyone was waiting on her answer, she was thinking about it smiling softly. Clapping her hands together she sucked on her gums. “Right, okay then. I could do with something to fill my time anyway. You can use my laptop to get onto the dating sites and get things moving, because am I right in thinking that you don’t
even own a computer?”

  Harry sniggered. “Correct how did you know? You know me so well don’t you?” The bond was made between them both and they swapped phone numbers and addresses. It was arranged that Amanda would go to Harry’s house to look at his wardrobe collection and see what her next move should be regarding his dress sense.

  Grace rubbed her hands together and hugged Fred who was sat next to her. “If Harry can just follow this through, he just might get his life back on track.”

  Fred was still low and nodded his head slowly. “This is a great group; it’s given me hope knowing that in time I can move on with my life.” Marcy sat talking with the class for half an hour more. Lots of things had happened today and she was happy that her clients seemed to be making progress, even Amanda. The class finished and they were all told about their next appointment. Grace was full of life as she left and she had a bounce in her step and a twinkle in her eye, she was really happy. As she looked back over her shoulder she could see Harry and Amanda gabbing to each other. Dipping her head low, she zipped her coat up tightly. The wind was picking up outside and winter was well on its way. The leaves on the trees were turning to a dark copper colour and falling to the ground as the wind circled near the branches, it was freezing.

  Grace had just that minute walked into her house and the phone was ringing. Kicking her shoes off in the hallway she made a run for it. Just as she got there to pick it up the ringing tone stopped. Hair stuck up all over, she looked like she’d been dragged through the mill. The house was so quiet and nothing but the ticking of the clock could be heard. Grace walked into the kitchen and flicked the switch on the kettle, she was spitting feathers. Stood with her elbows resting on the kitchen worktop she raised a smile to herself, life wasn’t that bad after all. There was somebody knocking at the door, turning her head quickly she listened again and held her ear to the door. In all honesty she wasn’t in the mood for Winnie or anybody else for that fact today, she just wanted to be alone and hoped whoever it was at the door would go away and leave her in peace. The rapping of the letterbox continued, whoever it was wasn’t giving up, they were persistent. Gasping, Grace made her way to the front door. The outline she could see through the small glass pane was too big to be Winnie’s. Edging closer, she straightened her hair. Turning the lock slowly she opened the door her jaw was swinging, she was gobsmacked.