by Alena Pitts
Her voice was sharp and each word pierced my heart. I knew I had let everyone down.
As I watched the numbers on top of the elevator doors count down, my heart began to beat faster and faster. By the time we reached the bottom, I could see my shirt was vibrating with each beat. I did not know who or what was waiting for me on the other side of the doors, but I knew I was in big trouble.
As the doors opened I could hear Mr. Fenway’s voice. His eyes were protruding from the sockets and his nostrils were flaring. He was fuming. He glanced down at me, looked up at Kay B, and said, “Let’s get her to wardrobe. We may still may be able to get a scene in.”
His voice was void of its normal energetic tone and his hands were on his hips. I stood quietly and braced myself for whatever was coming next. To my surprise, he simply turned and walked away. His steps were purposeful as he made his way farther and farther down the hall.
No one was talking but I could feel the disappointment and anger in everyone’s silence. I just wanted to run and hide. I glanced around quickly and considered my options.
I could feel my knees begin to wobble and my voice was weak. “Think, Lena,” I said in my head while trying to form some sort of explanation. But I could not come up with anything.
Without even realizing it, my legs began moving fast and I headed down the hallway in the opposite direction of Mr. Fenway.
“Lena! Did you hear Mr. Fenway? You need to get to hair and makeup now!” Kay B yelled after me.
I wanted to stop and I knew I should but I could not stop my legs from moving forward. I ran until I reached the end of the long hallway and a set of big doors.
I heard footsteps behind me so I knew someone was coming but I was too ashamed to turn and see who it was. I just wanted to get away from everyone.
Without stopping, I wrapped my hands around the large metal handles and forced myself straight through the clear doors. I ran down a narrow brick pathway and didn’t stop until I found a short wooden bench to collapse on.
Seconds later the footsteps stopped and I heard a familiar voice saying, “Lena, you have to come back inside.”
“I can’t!” My face was planted in the palms of my hands and I cried, “Everyone hates me! I’ve ruined it! I knew this would happen! Asking for this was just one big mistake.”
“Lena, no one hates you. Yes, we are disappointed. But no one hates you.” Mallory’s words were soft.
“Yes, they do!” I cried back at her. “Mr. Fenway, Kay B, my parents, you . . . probably even my friends now! Just go tell them to fire me! I never really wanted to do this anyway!” I was sobbing loudly and my breathing was quick and messy.
“Lena . . .”
“I mean it. I just want to go home! Back to my real life,” I interrupted.
“Can I tell you a story?” Mallory continued without even giving me a chance to respond. Her movements were slow as she sat down next to me and reached for both of my hands. She gave them a gentle squeeze and looked me in my eyes and began, “When I was a few days old my mother noticed something different about me. Even though I was born a healthy baby, she noticed that my cry always sounded different than other babies. She said it sounded like my throat was scratched and that it looked like it hurt me to cry. She wasn’t sure if it was normal so she took me to the doctor. It turned out that something was actually wrong. After running a lot tests, the doctors told my mother that I had a rare disorder. They didn’t know if I would ever be able to talk. They told my mother that I would eventually lose my voice all together.”
I could not believe what Mallory was telling me. She has one of the prettiest voices I had ever heard. I picked my head up and asked, “What happened?”
“God gave me a voice.” She smiled.
“You see, I know that my voice is not mine. So every time I have the opportunity to sing or speak, I am reminded that my voice and my talent are gifts from God. Using my gift is not always easy and sometimes I am really tired and just don’t feel like it, but during those times I trust God to give me what I need in order to do what He has asked me to do. I know He gave me a voice so that I could share His love with everyone around me.”
Mallory kept talking, “There is a verse in the Bible that says ‘Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord.’ I want you to remember that verse—it’s Colossians 3:23.
“See Lena, you may have just thought it would be fun to audition for this opportunity so you could meet me, but God has given you a gift. Not just in being able to act, but He has a message for people that only you can give, in your own special way. Everything about your life is God’s gift and He gave it to you so that you can share His love with people too.”
Mallory bent down and wrapped her arms gently around me. She squeezed me tight and said, “No one hates you. We know that you are here to use your gifts. You are not fired, but you do owe a few people an apology.”
I nodded my head while still in her arms.
Then Mallory grabbed my hand and guided me back down the pathway, through the glass doors, and down the long hallway. Everyone was back to work on set and I needed to get ready. I sat in the big chair with the “X” legs, grabbed my bag, pulled out my journal, and waited patiently until Kay B was ready for me.
Dear God,
Can you help me disappear, right now??
So many wonderful things have been happening in my life but somehow I feel so sad. I have been given an opportunity to do something so fun and even though I miss my friends and my normal life, being a part of this movie is wonderful. Instead of being sad, I need to feel blessed and grateful. How can I make myself feel that way? I guess I can’t. But I pray that you will change my heart.
God, are you here with me? Why am I saying that when I know that you are? You are always with me. So, I pray that you would forgive me for not showing you how grateful I am and for not showing your love to Mr. Fenway and the rest of the crew. I haven’t made the best choices. Will you help me, today?
I still have a lot of questions about your plans for me, but I pray that this movie will be great. Help me to remember that people all over the world will see this movie and will learn about you . . . so it’s really not about me.
Amen
. . . oh no, Kay B is calling for me . . . I have to apologize. Ohhhhh, this is so bad, I can barely even forgive myself. What if I apologize and everyone is still mad at me? What if no one will forgive me?
Gotta go . . .
Dear God, help me be brave!
Being back on set in front of all the people I had just let down felt really weird. Actually, it felt terrible.
The words “I’m a disaster” never came out of my mouth but I felt them in my heart.
By the time the makeup crew finished covering the swelling underneath my eyes and smoothing my hair down into a neat side ponytail, my mom and dad had taken Emma and Savannah back to our house. They probably could not wait to leave.
Savannah tried to warn me about the time and Emma only wanted to make sure we had fun together. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I wanted them to know that it wasn’t their fault.
As I walked down the halls and back to set on the thirteenth floor, everyone just stared at me. Mallory stayed with me and held my hand.
She told me I needed to apologize to a lot of people and she promised that she would be right there if I needed her. I was so afraid. I would have much rather had Mallory hate me at this moment than have her show me so much kindness. I’d made so many mistakes and done really silly things ever since we met. Well, if you counted the gummy teeth, it was before we ever even met. I couldn’t understand why she even still bothered with me. I wished Mr. Fenway would just fire me. That way I could go home and avoid seeing any of them ever again. But that is not what happened.
I was going to have to face everyone whether I wanted to or not.
I tried to think about what Mallory told me about herself but it wasn’t really helping.
Why did I ignore t
he time?
Why was I so afraid that my friends would think being in a movie had changed me?
Why wasn’t I as excited about this opportunity as everyone said I should be?
I could no longer tell if I was sad because I disappointed everyone or if I was simply disappointed in myself.
The first person I saw was Kay B. She was walking straight toward me. I worked really hard to avoid making eye contact with her. Mostly because my eyes were full of tears and I needed to hold them in. When I finally reached her, I took a deep breath and said, “I’m really sorry for not listening to you when you told me I only had forty-five minutes to hang with my friends.”
She stooped down until we were the same height and I finished the apology I had rehearsed in my head. “Thank you for taking such good care of me. I am sorry for letting you down. Will you forgive me?”
Kay B held both of my cheeks in one hand and pinched my nose, “Of course . . . you little booger!” Her smile was big and genuine. Apologizing didn’t make me feel any better but I could tell that it made her happy.
Kay B bounced away as if things were completely back to normal. I took a deep breath in and exhaled more air than I took in. I felt my chest collapse and my knees felt wobbly. Mallory rubbed her hand across my back and said, “You’re ok. Good job. Keep practicing the hard things.”
I stared straight ahead and said, “Hard things, like finding the people you hurt and asking them to forgive you?”
Her response was short, “Yup.”
I kept walking.
The next voice I heard was Mr. Fenway calling my name, “Lena, we’re ready for you.”
I walked as slowly as I could to the set where he was waiting for me. My head was still hurting from all the crying I had done and the palms of my hands were wet and sticky.
“Practice. Hard things.” I repeated Mallory’s words in my head until I was face-to-face with Mr. Fenway.
He placed one hand on my shoulder and let out a long sigh. I stood completely still. A few moments of silence passed but it felt like an eternity. Finally he said, “Lena, do you want this?”
I gulped.
“Remember when I called to tell you all about the part?”
I mustered up enough air to answer, “Yes.”
“Do you remember that I told you we prayed about who we would give this part to?”
I mumbled another, “Yes.”
“So you see, we believe that you can do this. And we want you here. But after what you did today, I’m not sure that you want to be here.”
I could feel the tears that had been gathering in my eyelashes cascading down my cheeks like a waterfall.
Mr. Fenway continued to talk, “Movies cost a lot of money and take a lot of time to make. What you did today cost us both—time and money. I am not mad, but I am disappointed and really concerned that maybe this is all too much for you. I don’t want to force you to participate in something that you don’t really want to be a part of. I’m worried about you.”
I could feel Mr. Fenway’s words piercing my heart. I kept my eyes closed while he talked and clenched my fist at my waist. I was doing my best to stand tall and hold on tight but I was losing control. My body was quivering and my face was covered in smudged mascara and wet powder.
Mallory’s words were still swirling in my head. When I heard Mr. Fenway take a deep breath, I knew that it was my turn to speak.
I unclenched my fist, raised my hands to wipe my eyes, and started to speak. I blurted out, “Mr. Fenway, I am sorry.”
Then I stopped talking. I had so many other things I wanted to say, but I just could not get them out. My mouth tried to form the words, but no sound followed. For now, those five words would have to do.
“I forgive you, Lena. Let’s go ahead and call it a day. I don’t think we can get much more done anyway.” Mr. Fenway patted my shoulder three times and looked away.
“That’s a wrap,” he announced.
I stood still as the guy behind the cameras starting flipping buttons and wrapping up cords. A few crewmembers adjusted the lights and began collecting their equipment while the sound guy walked backwards down the ladder, carefully lowering a microphone with each step.
“Everyone works really hard. That’s why they were so disappointed with me. I guess it seemed like I didn’t care about anybody else,” I whispered to myself.
I finally got it.
Being a part of this movie wasn’t just about me. There were so many people that work really hard to get everything ready and they need me to do my part too. Even when I don’t want to. I really took advantage of everyone and they probably felt like I didn’t care. I had already apologized to Kay B, Mallory, and Mr. Fenway. But there were a lot of other people I needed to say sorry to.
Mostly I needed to ask God to forgive me for not being a good example of His love.
I was not sure if I had officially been dismissed, so I took a few slow steps backwards and stood still for a moment. I felt Mallory scoot behind me and slip her hand into mine. We turned slowly and walked away quietly.
I waited in my little dressing room for someone to take me home.
I picked up writing in my journal right where I had left off.
Dear God,
I still don’t know if they hate me, but will you help me to make better choices? I don’t want to disappoint anyone else. Especially not you, but I really need your help.
When Mom poked her head into the room, she was not smiling but her face was soft and her eyes were sad. We traveled quietly through the halls and out the big glass doors. As soon as we reached the car, she stood in front of me, reached for my hand, and wrapped her arms around me. I collapsed into her chest and sobbed.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I continued to cry.
I spent the entire drive home in silence, embarrassed by my choices and preparing for a long awkward evening with my friends. If they still wanted to be called that.
I walked in the house with my head down. I had no idea what Dad was going to say but I knew it wouldn’t be good.
Immediately, I could smell Mom’s taco soup and my ears recognized mariachi band music blasting from somewhere in the house. When I looked up Emma and Savannah were standing in the middle of the living room wearing bathing suits and large sombreros with red, yellow, and green straw intertwined through each pointy top.
The little living room table was covered in a flowery tablecloth and topped with chips, salsa, and three bowls of melted cheese.
I could not believe my eyes, nose, or my ears.
“Bienvenido a Mexico, chica!” Emma raced toward me holding a little red plastic cup with a tiny hot pink umbrella hanging over the rim. Savannah stepped forward and placed a sombrero over my messy hair.
Ansley, Amber, and Ashton ran from the back of the house screaming and giggling.
“Welcome to Mexico, Lena!”
I reached down and hugged them all at once. Austin scurried around us trying to break into the fun. The speed of his wagging tail was doubled and he leaped in the air, landing a paw on each of my shoulders. Before I knew it, I was lying flat on my back.
“Austin!!!” we all screamed.
Just when I thought nothing could be better than this, Dad trotted down the hallway holding a pink and white volleyball.
“Anyone want to play?”
“Of course!” I squealed.
Dad opened the front door and took one step out, “Well, come on!”
“Get your bathing suit on, Lena! We don’t have sand, but this is beach volleyball!” Emma could barely finish her sentence before bellowing out a deep hardy laugh.
I followed her instructions, changed quickly, and ran out front to play.
After Mom, Emma, Ashton, and I beat Dad, Savannah, Amber, and Ansley we headed back inside for dinner—taco soup!
When I thought the party was over, Emma announced that she had one more surprise. She ran to the guestroom and I could hear her rummaging through her luggage. When
she returned she was holding a huge white poster behind her back.
Savannah was quiet but could barely contain her excitement. She was squirming and swaying from side to side. I had no idea what Emma was holding. I glanced at Mom and Dad to try to get a clue but they looked just as curious as I felt.
Once our anticipation reached its limit, Emma began, “So Lena, after you left we went to school and told everyone about the movie. They were all excited for you. Like everyone in the fifth grade was talking about it for the entire last week of school.”
“In third grade too!” Ansley wanted to make sure we knew.
“I know, right?” Emma acknowledged Ansley and continued. “So when we found out we were coming to see you, Savannah and I wanted to find a way to let you know how we all felt. We’ve been waiting for a good time to do this . . .”
She moved a little closer, pulled the huge white poster from behind her back, and turned it around. It was full of my classmates’ names and pictures from our year together! I spotted Mr. Lipscomb’s dissection class, our field day group pictures, and even a picture of Ms. Blount—smiling! There were also drawings of little gold stars forming the word Shine in the middle!
“School was already out, so we tracked down as many people as we could. Sorry if we missed a few but guess who helped us?”
“OH MY!” I gasped, shouted, ran closer, and touched it.
“Ms. Blount helped us! She’s like your biggest fan!”
“Guys, I can’t believe this . . .” I could not find any other words to say. I walked over to each of them and gave them full-body hugs.
I could barely sit still for the rest of the night. Dad hung the poster above the fireplace and every few seconds I would run up to it and smile.
We spent the rest of the night just being together—eating and hanging out.
When my friends and I finally piled into the guestroom for the night, we dimmed the lights and within a few seconds everyone was snoring—well, everyone except me.
I just kept smiling. My eyes didn’t feel sleepy and my brain was wide awake. I had so many thoughts going through my head. I knew I needed to sleep but I needed to empty my brain first. I crept out of bed, down the hall, and into my own room. With my journal in my hands, happy tears streaming down my face, I started to write everything I felt in my heart.
