"No, no, really. If it weren't for you, I could be dead or so broken I'd be blubbering in some padded room."
"Lina, I told you, I'm not a spotlight kind of girl." She tilted her head. "I don't need clapping. Thomas is my best friend and I know how much you mean to him. Besides, it was a relief I could out that man. He is a rabid dog. I'm not pro-death sentence, but the only way people like him cease to be a threat is with a lethal injection."
I lowered my head. I didn't want to talk about Seth. The mention of his name made me shiver with horror. I was trying to stay strong and not let him dictate my life from prison but it was clear I'd spend my life haunted by his ghost.
"H-how is Thomas?" What was with the sudden stuttering? "He must have started somewhere..."
"He is not well."
She couldn't have shocked me more if she had knocked me to the ground and ordered me to lick her feet. I gasped and put a hand to my mouth, unable to control my reactions. All this time I'd hoped that he was happy if nothing else.
"I... He's not sick, is he?"
"Physically, he is fine and will probably live a long life." Allie remained serious and took a break, thinking over her next words. "There is no easy way to say it. He'd probably kill me if he knew I was here. That guy has more pride than common sense. Breaking up with you nearly killed him. He is still depressed and it doesn't look like he'll move on anytime soon."
"What? He is the one who is depressed?"
I couldn't believe a word of what she was telling me. Was it some bad attempt at a joke?
"Believe it or not, he was very close to dying of starvation or alcohol poisoning when I went to see him last summer. I had to literally force him to take care of himself. He is recovering well and even started some freelance jobs. But I know he's suffering."
I sat back in my chair, unable to process the information. For a moment, I wondered if her story was some cruel mockery, a pinch of salt in my raw wounds.
If he was missing me so badly why didn't he call and come back to me?
"I had no idea. Honestly, I thought he'd be happier without me and that was why he let me go. I even thought he was seeing someone else, or had a new submissive."
The thought of Nate cut me like a knife.
God, what a disgusting mess.
All this time I'd been telling myself I was the only one in pain.
"Even if he did, it wouldn't have lasted. I guarantee he hasn't been with anyone since you two broke up. I've been with him non-stop and I know his schedule. Trust me, he may have left you, but it wasn't to get rid of you as you may be thinking."
"I was really." How much could I tell her? What was her part in all the drama? Why was she even talking to me? "I was devastated when he left. I was angry with him for doing this to me after I admitted what I felt for him. Later, I realized I must have been a big problem for him and he was right for staying away from a woman like me."
"Listen, Lina, I'm not here to judge either of you or to persuade you to go to him. I don't know you but you are a grown woman. You have achieved so much and you know what you're doing."
"You'd be surprised," I muttered with a bitter voice.
"Breakups happen for a reason." Allie leaned forward to me. Her voice was filled with sympathy and there was none of her earlier mocking. "He's my friend but I wouldn't try to persuade you to go back to him. Maybe you shouldn't. Maybe you were a bad fit and you should have never been a couple in the first place. I don't know. You're the ones who can decide. What I do know is that you need closure. Thomas is hanging on to the past and from what I see, so are you."
"What?" I laughed nervously and swallowed. "What makes you say that?"
Once again, Allie rolled her eyes and spoke to me in an amused tone.
"You heard what I told your assistant. It's not important what you're saying but what you're hiding. I'm sorry to say it but you are not really good at hiding your feelings"
"Care to explain? You caught me by surprise so that doesn't count." I raised my chin defiantly and that made her smirk again.
"For starters, the moment you remembered who I was, your face lit up because you knew I was Thomas' friend. Then you strained your jaw and forced a smile as if you were trying to pull yourself together. I don't need to point out how the moment you asked about him, your voice trembled and you got very nervous. It was kind of cute, like a schoolgirl asking about her crush."
Seriously? Was I so easy to read? I couldn't help but like Allie for her direct approach and no-nonsense attitude, but her behavior analysis made me feel nervous and a bit hostile.
"One more thing, Lina--I'd suggest that you let go of that poor pen you've been clutching since we started talking. If you feel like crushing things, go ahead, but you risk staining your suit. Ink is a bitch to wash out."
I looked down and saw my knuckles had gone white. The tip of the pen was digging against my palm and had already left a few ink blotches on my skin. I let go of it and dropped it to the desk. As much as I hated to admit it, she was right about everything.
"I'm sorry to hear about his problems." My eyes were staring down at the pen and I laced my hands in my lap. "Whatever you think of me, I did want him to be happy, so I kept my distance. I didn't even try to find out where he started working."
"Like I said, I don't know you so it's not up to me to question your choices." Allie raised herself from the chair. As if it wasn't enough she was so tall. From that angle, she was practically casting a shadow over me.
"I have plenty of issues myself and, if he is really as depressed as you claim, we won't solve a thing if we see each other. Bringing two damaged people together is a bad idea and..." I crossed my legs and lowered my head even more, ashamed and a little aroused by the sudden rush of memories.
How would she react if I told her about Nate?
I felt like a whore in that instant. It made no sense. We had broken up and I didn't owe an explanation to anyone. Still, it would be best if I didn't hide it like some dirty secret.
"I'm seeing someone. We only just started. I have no idea what's going to come out of this relationship, but I want to see it through." The confession didn't ease the horrible guilt. I had to grab the armrests so I wouldn't drop to my knees before her and beg for forgiveness.
Forgiveness for what? For not being able to stand the loneliness? Because I wanted to be happy?
"You must be thinking I'm a horrible person," I breathed, in spite of my inner protests.
Allie sighed as if she was dealing with a stubborn teenager. Her eyes made me want to hide under my desk until she left. Even worse, tears were prickling my eyes. I should have known that such a meeting was a bad idea.
"Lina." Her voice was like a whip against my flesh, even if she didn't raise her voice. I thought I had buried those submissive tendencies but her presence had the same effect on me as that of Thomas.
I wasn't even attracted to women.
"Lina." She repeated my name with a note of warning. "Raise your head and look at me when I'm talking to you. Open your eyes and look at me. Now."
That was exactly what I did. I obeyed her commands as if I were her puppet. Allie reached out, gently held my chin and didn't let me look away.
How were those black eyes so alluring?
"That's a good girl." She caressed me. It was more of a comforting than sensual gesture. An erotic thrill ran through me, as powerful as when I was submitting to Thomas. "Stop worrying so much about my opinion. People react just like you do when they first appear for a session. They are scared, guilty and want to apologize for their kinks and needs."
"Allie, I..."
"Shh, you said enough. Just listen." Her grip became tighter and she narrowed her eyes at me. "I tell them what I told you. I'm not in the position either to judge them or make them feel better about what they want. You should do what is best for you, Lina. If that means you keep your distance from Thomas and go vanilla with your new man, that's fine. I'll leave your office and never contact you again."
I shivered at that thought. Did that have to happen just when I was beginning to accept that Thomas and I were through for good? Allie let go of my chin and caressed my cheek with an almost loving gesture before she slapped it with her fingers and moved away.
I nearly begged her not to stop and to do as she pleased with me.
What a slut you are.
"However, Lina, I doubt you'd be happy. I bet you wanted me to spank you, even if you are not really into women. Didn't you?"
She was brilliant at this game. With just a few words, Allie had turned me into a blushing, stuttering mess. Secretly, I loved it.
The younger woman chuckled and said with a soothing voice, "Any other time I'd do that, but you're not mine. It wouldn't be ethical to take advantage of someone as fragile as you."
I'd been called many things in my life. Fragile was definitely not one of them.
"I might be wrong, but I don't think you can go back to vanilla, Lina. Most people who have tried even a little bit of kink can't go back."
She walked away and took something from the inside of her jacket then turned around and placed a stylish, red envelope with a silver stamp on my desk.
"I have a birthday next week and I'd be thrilled if you could join me for my party."
The stamp was a simple logo, an image of a stone building surrounded by silver filigree.
"It will take place in the club I'm a VIP member of. There will be plenty of rooms for private pleasures."
"I'm not sure..." I ran my fingers across the eye-catching logo. It seemed to call out to me with the voice of temptation.
"The standard invitation includes a plus one. Feel free to bring anyone you want. Your new boyfriend is more than welcome to join us. Who knows, he may learn how to keep you happy. These events tend to be... educational."
The gleam in her eyes promised nothing good.
"You don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with. You can just watch... if you are strong enough to resist."
Allie slung the bag over her shoulder and turned to wish me goodbye.
"Wait..." I held the invitation and stared at her with apprehension. I wasn't ready to interrupt my last connection to the man I loved. Could I submit to the promise Allie was dangling in front of me?
"Will Thomas be there?"
She laughed, almost as if she had been expecting me to ask that question.
"Oh, I don't know, Lina. He may come or he may not. Thomas has been unpredictable lately. It will depend on his mood. He may be too depressed to leave his home or you may see him there. Maybe on stage with a riding crop, marking some lucky girl's ass."
That thought didn't make me feel any better.
"Either way, I'd love to see you again. I bet you look adorable on a leash." She smirked at me and put her hand on the door. "Send me your RSVP via the link in the invitation. There's an option for your role in the party. If you state you'd only be a voyeur, no one can touch you. Goodbye, little one."
Allie walked out of my office and left me confused and trembling. When I got up, I realized something else. My panties were soaking wet.
His eyes always grew darker when he was close to coming. Nate reached out to cup my breasts and roll my nipple between his fingers. I was riding his throbbing cock and coating him with my juices.
"Lina..." he whispered and slid a thumb between my open lips. I flicked my tongue across his skin, sank my teeth in it and squeezed him deep inside me. His pleading voice and lust-glazed eyes made me thrust with wilder, more urgent moves, desperate for release. Nate rubbed my clit and stared at my half-closed eyes. "Please, cum for me, baby. I'm really close. Please."
It was so strange to hear him beg for my orgasm in such a desperate way. It didn't make the heat from our feverish lovemaking less intense. I tossed my hair back, tightened the grip of my thighs around his strong, lean body and rested my palms on his chest. My nails left tiny red marks while I moaned and arched my back like a snake.
"Fill me," I growled in a low, raspy voice, and leaned forward to kiss his lips savagely, tearing at his flesh. The sudden aggression shocked Nate but he didn't seem to mind. On the contrary, his slender fingers rubbed my clit in such hard circles I nearly came. His cock trembled in my womb and a strong shiver went along its veiny shaft. "Fill me with your cum, Nate. I want to feel you deep in my cunt."
He cried out, grabbed me by the ass, lifted me higher and impaled my tight cleft with a rough thrust. His hot sperm erupted and left its hot mark against the velvet softness of my walls. His loud, guttural groans of release while he was pumping his seed, jolt after jolt, got to me. The orgasm was as quick as a flash and sent a mild thrill through my body.
Nate looked in an absolute heaven while coming down from the bliss. He had closed his eyes and his face radiated with joy. My boyfriend pulled me on top of his chest, wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me tenderly on the lips.
"You are amazing," Nate whispered and stared at me with such affection it made the storm of guilt blow even harder in my anxious mind. "I hope it was at least half as fantastic for you as it was for me, baby."
"You love it when I'm on top, don't you?" I laughed and reached out to brush my fingers against his cheek. Indeed, he loved it. Every time we were in bed, he either spooned me or shifted position to put me on top and let me take full control. Whenever that happened, I always hoped he'd put his hands on my wrists, that he'd not allow me to move, and command me with delicious cruelty not to cum unless he said so.
Of course, he never did, and I didn't dare to ask him. How would he react? He'd get the shock of his life if he learned of my submissive tendencies. It would be even harder to tell him something was missing from our sex life, no matter how lovely and sensual his lovemaking was.
"Yes, I love watching your beautiful body wrapped around mine while my cock is inside you." He removed a tress of hair from my face and kissed me again. "Still, you dodged my question."
"Was that a question?" I feigned innocence and ran my nails down his chest. "Because I swear it was more of a statement."
"All right, you clever minx, come on. Indulge me." Nate held me tighter and raised my chin so I'd look at him, just like Allie had done earlier. So why wasn't it the same? "I want to know if I please you or not. Be sincere."
You really have no idea what you're asking for, do you?
"It was wonderful. I love the way you cum, the sounds you make, how you surrender to the moment."
Why was it so hard to say I wouldn't have minded if he was more dominant and that I wasn't a delicate doll?
Nate nodded but I could see the shadow of doubt in his eyes. He wouldn't be too thrilled to hear that my ex's best female friend had nearly made me cum with a few orders and a gentle slap on the cheek. Who knew? Perhaps it would turn him on and urge him to reveal his darker side.
Not if he knew I thought of Thomas at the height of my orgasm.
"I was hoping you'd tell me more about how I make you feel. I wouldn't want you to hold back if there was something you wanted, something you needed. Something that would make sex even better for you." Nate traced the outline of my lower lip and stared at me with a nervous expectation.
"You know, you worry way too much." Indeed, he did. Each time we cuddled he would ask me about my experience. No matter how calm his voice was, I couldn't help but catch some nervousness and fear. It wasn't the usual performance checking so he could stroke his own ego. Maybe it was just me exaggerating things but Nate was truly devoted to my pleasure and reactions.
His next words confirmed it.
"I just want to make you feel out of this world, Lina. You deserve it." He smiled and kissed me again.
Do I truly deserve it, though?
It was the perfect moment to tell him about Allie and her birthday invitation. When I tried to find the proper words, though, my mind went blank. How do you even begin telling somebody something like that?
Maybe tomorrow, after I had slept it off and thought it through. T
he party, going back to a lifestyle I thought I had left behind, the very real possibility Thomas would be there--it was too much.
The thought of rejecting the invitation and putting the sinful, decadent envelope through the shredder was unbearable.
I untangled myself from his embrace, much to Nate's disappointment. That was the hardest part of our dates.
"I have some early appointments tomorrow so I'd better get going. I need to get some sleep." I reached out for the bra and blouse I had left on the chair. Whenever I visited Nate's place, I always wore clothes that didn't take long to put on.
"Sneaking out on me again, aren't you?" That time he couldn't hide the bitterness and frustration in his voice. I turned around with a scowl. My boyfriend was leaning against the headboard and staring ahead with a sad smile.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked with a defensive tone, pulling the silk blouse over my chest.
"You know very well what I'm talking about, Lina." Nate turned to me and reached out for my wrist. My breath froze in my chest as I expected him to grab it roughly. Instead, his fingers left a feather caress on my skin. "We've been dating for two months. We have sex nearly every time we see each other, and yet you have never spent the entire night with me. I don't want to push you or make you feel like you owe me something. Each time you come over I hope that will be the night you'll stay. Yet you always go no matter how good a time I think we have had."
He was searching for answers in my eyes. That confused look and the way I'd been deceiving him for my true desires crushed me.
Indeed, I'd never spent a single night with him. There was no way to explain my sleeping ritual with the collar and the phone.
"I... I'm sorry, I never thought you felt that way." I pressed the blouse against my chest and looked down. It was the second time in one day when I'd felt guilty and ashamed, in need of punishment. "It's just..."
"You may be thinking I don't realize it but I'm well aware you don't always climax. Still, you never tell me what doesn't work for you." There was no accusation in his voice. He was simply stating the facts and trying to communicate.
Unorthodox Chemistry Page 7
