by Frank Downey
"I wasn't ready to surrender my virginity. "
"Aaah."
"Mind you, we did everything but. I thought I satisfied him enough. Sorry, wrong answer."
"Ally and I did everything but, also. And she wasn't ready, either. So I didn't put any pressure on her. Took her two weeks to give it up to the new guy, I understand."
"Double ouch. Do you still keep tabs on her, or anything?"
"Well, no, but shit gets around. Warren actually said something about it to Sophia when he didn't know I was listening."
"How would Warren know that Ally boffed her new guy?"
"Her new guy is one of Warren's neighbors, one of the crowd he runs with."
"Triple ouch."
"And how. I haven't been to one of his neighborhood bashes all summer-and I always enjoyed them. It's mostly a good group of people he hangs out with. I even liked Matt before he snagged my girlfriend. But now I don't go, because I know they will be there."
"Sophie keeps trying to get me to go. It's not really my type of party, and I don't really know anyone 'cept for Soph and War. And then they'll go get all cozy..." Jessie sighed. "One of the reasons I held out on Aaron was that I knew what Sophia's sex life was like. Damn, I did not want that to happen to me. So, then, I lose Aaron because of it-and Sophia ends up with a sex life that's apparently faaaaaabulous. I try not to get rankled by that. I try. I don't always succeed."
"Well, if you had ever told me that Warren would lose his virginity before I did, I'd have laughed at you. But, fuck it. If Ally was going to dump me that fast and jump in bed with someone else, than she wasn't the one I'd have wanted to lose it to. And, Jess, if he dumped you over it, he wasn't the one for you, either."
"I know, I know." Jess paused, and took a breath. Then she looked out in the water. "Hey, look. There's a swimming technique I hope to master someday. Look out, iceberg, here comes the Titanic."
Crash laughed. "Hey, check that one out. The one on her back."
"The one with the big jugs?"
"Yeah. Looks like she's playing with them. 'Tee-hee, do these things float? Tee-hee.'"
"Oh, look, and there's our two favorite lovebirds. All wet and happy."
"Sophie's got perky nips."
Jessie laughed. "Do you always look at your best friend's girlfriend's tits?"
"First, I'll look at anybody's tits. Secondly, Sophia has a perfectly admirable set of them."
"Does Warren know about this?"
"The first time I ever met her, we took off, Warren and I, to go to the store. This was after she had that vicious beating, but just before she asked Warren out. When we were alone, Warren asked me what I thought of her." He paused for a minute. "You watch Star Trek Next Generation?"
"Love it. It's my one and only concession to nerdiness."
Crash laughed. "OK. You remember the episode with the house that's the only thing left on the planet, and the guy and his wife who turns out not to be his wife?"
"The one where the guy actually was an alien who had killed the whole race that had attacked the planet?"
"That's the one. In that episode, Worf is down on the planet, sitting in a couch, and the 'wife' gives him tea, and then asks him what he thinks. And Worf said, completely deadpan, 'Good tea... nice house.'"
Jessie cracked up, both at memory of the moment and at Crash's dead-on Worf impression. "I remember it."
"OK. So, when Warren asked me what I thought of Sophia, I went into Worf mode, and intoned, "Nice girl... Great tits."
Jessie exploded. "What did Warren do?"
"Warren can keep up, you know. He just said, 'That will be all, Lieutenant, ' in his best Picard voice."
"Priceless."
"We haven't really gotten going today, but when we get going, it's something to watch."
"What, you and Warren?"
"Oh, yeah. One-liners, sarcasm, impressions, the whole bit. Sophie said that on that first night she met me, she laughed so hard she rebroke her ribs."
"I'd like to see that."
"I haven't felt in the mood. But now I suddenly do, moreso."
"Is Warren trying to drag you to the party on his street tomorrow night?"
"Yeah. Sophie getting on you?"
"Yeah. Listen, I know it'll be tough for you, if Ally is there, but... I'll go if you go."
"You got yourself a deal."
"Really? Great." Jessie realized something. She really liked this guy. She could tease him, and he gave as good as he got. But he wasn't just a jokemeister-their conversation about the problems with Warren and Sophia proved that. She wondered how far she could take the teasing.
"So," Jessie asked. "What do you think of mine?"
"What?"
"These," she pointed to her chest. "Since you notice everybody's tits, I thought you might have formed an opinion about mine."
Crash put on a face, pretending to contemplate the issue. He had realized the same thing Jessie had-he liked her, a lot. It hadn't taken long, had it, he thought. So he looked at her, and said, "Well, purely from a visual inspection, I'd say your tits were perfectly acceptable. But, for a true reading, I'd need a more hands-on approach, y'see."
"But can you handle the claws?"
They just looked at each other and cracked up.
Sophia and Warren came back up the beach from the water, laughing. They looked up, and didn't see Jessie or Crash, and looked at each other. But the umbrella was up. They looked closer, under the umbrella, and found Jessie and Crash.
He was sitting with his legs spread out, and so was she, in between his legs. She was resting her back slightly against his chest. He had a hand around her waist, and was pointing with the other one. And they were laughing.
Crash was saying, "No, no, the other one. Grey swim trunks. I meant the moustache."
"Oh," Jesse said, "the one that looks like Hitler with that moustache."
"Yeah. 'I am Adolf Hitler and der Nazi Party is taking offa der beach. Ve vill launch der Third Reichhhhhh right here on der beach. Der Shtormtroopers vill round up all den pretty girls vit den large Volksvagens on der chest. Zince I am der impotent shtrudeldink, ve vill giff all den pretty girls to Herr Crash." Jessie was convulsed with laughter. "Den ve vill march vit der panzers and invade New Hampshire."
Jessie played along. "Oh, Mein Fuhrer, noone can argue vit your military cheenyuss, but vy vould ve vant New Hampshire?"
"Becaussss, dey have den cheap booze, und I can haff much Jaegermeister, zo I can get der shtinking drunk, zo I can forget that Russia kicked my ass!" They were laughing so hard that Jessie fell back into Crash, practically knocking him over. He steadied, and she ended up with her head on his shoulder, both of his arms around her waist, and both of them still laughing.
Sophia and Warren had been standing beside them, unseen, when Sophia finally spoke up. "What is going on?" she asked with a smile.
Jessie just looked up, and, with a gleam in her eye, pointing at Sophia, said, "Mein fuhrer, vhat do you tink about den fine egzample of den Deutschen Fraulien vich ve haff profided for you?"
Crash looked up, and, changing into Worf mode, said, "Nice girl... great tits." Leading to more convulsive laughter. Even Sophia and Warren laughed at that.
Crash scrambled out from behind Jesse, and, still in Worf mode, turned to Warren and said, "Permission to leave the bridge to go take a piss, sir."
"Permission granted, lieutenant," Warren-as-Picard said with a smile. "Save my spot, meine weinerschnitzel," Crash called back to Jessie.
Sophia and Warren shook their heads in amazement, and sat down on the blanket. Jessie, who was still trying to stop laughing, shimmied up and out from under the umbrella, so she could see Warren and Sophia. She sputtered, still giggling.
"What, on earth, has gotten into you, She-Devil?" asked Warren.
"Oh my God. I'm laughing so hard my chest hurts."
"You certainly seem to have hit it off."
"My God, he's fantastic!" Jessie surprised herself with the vehemence o
f that. "We even had a very nice serious talk, and then he just went off again."
"You two seemed awfully cozy underneath that umbrella," Warren commented.
"Oh, yeah," Jessie regained her usual bite, "and this wasn't a set-up, Prep Boy. Yeah, surrrrre it wasn't."
"Jess, it wasn't. Really."
"Well, then, dammit, it should have been!" They all laughed at that one. "My oh my, where have you been hiding this guy?"
"Jess, I'm just glad you got the old Crash to come out. He's been in such a funk over this whole Alison thing. It's nice to see my best friend back."
"Yeah, he told me all about that. Dumping him for a neighbor of yours? That's rough."
"Yeah, it has been. I see them all the time, and I try to be nice, but it's hard. Matt and Ally are my friends, but Crash is my best friend. The whole thing sucked. And, since Matt is a neighborhood cat, they're at all the neighborhood parties, which means Crash won't come, which sucks. I miss him at them."
Jessie smiled slightly, and said, quietly, "He's going tomorrow night."
"WHAT? He is?"
Jessie's smile got a little wider. "And so am I."
"WHAT? You are?" That was Sophia.
"Yeah. We made a deal. I'll go if you go. So, we're going."
"Unbelieveable," said Warren.
Chapter 24 - The Grape Fetish
"Jessica Reidel? What are you doing here?"
"Claws in, Cheryl," Warren said. "She's a friend of mine, and Sophie's best friend."
"Come on in, Jess," Mo smiled. "Glad you finally came, Sophia told me she's been trying for a while."
"Yeah. I decided this one was a good one to come to."
"Oh, great," said Cheryl. "Sophie got any other burnout friends she can bring?"
Jessie looked Cheryl in the eye and said, "Hey, Wheeler, the sun's still up. How did you get out of your coffin?"
"Now what is that supposed to mean?"
"Jesus, if you need insults explained to you, you're beyond any kind of hope."
"Oh, I knew what you meant."
Jessie sighed dramatically. "So you asked what I meant just so you could hear the sound of your own voice wafting melodiously through the yard, is that it? "
"What are you talking about?"
Jessie just snorted, and turned to Warren. "Does she always need a fucking road map to keep up?" Warren just laughed.
Cheryl said, "Hey, Warren, why is it that all of these lowlife friends of yours feel compelled to insult me?"
"Maybe because you insult them first?"
"Or," added Jess, "maybe it's because Warren tends to have friends with half a brain, and, for anyone with half a brain, insulting you is like shooting fish in a barrel."
"Did you just call me stupid?"
"If I have to explain everything I say, you just answered your own question, didn't you?"
"I'd rather be stupid than a burnout!"
"That's because you're stupid. Listen, I could kill three million brain cells and still be about a gazillion up on you, sweetie."
Cheryl just sputtered indignantly.
"Y'know, I just can not stand all these witty comebacks, Wheeler."
"I don't need to give you any witty comebacks."
"Oh, yes you do. I know you; I know what you're like. You come here and take great satisfaction in being the Queen of All Insults, because you're used to dealing with folks like Warren and Mo who are too nice to get into it with you."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"How wrong am I?" Jessie asked. "Not even a little bit," Warren said, and Sophia and even Mo concurred.
"I still can't believe Mo let Sophia bring you," Cheryl said, changing the subject.
"Well, somebody has to supply the witty repartee. It sure as hell ain't gonna be you."
Cheryl sputtered, and Jessie added, "Oh, look! More witty repartee!"
"She's such a loser!" Cheryl said to the air.
"Wow. I'm a loser. What an original insult! How long did it take you to come up with that bon mot, Wheeler-three months?"
Cheryl just sputtered again.
"Yeah, that's what I figured."
Warren just laughed. "Cheryl, silence might be the best option. You are so out of your league, here, you have no idea."
"Fine," Cheryl said with forced haughtiness. "Christine and I are going to sit over on the grass, where it's more hospitable."
"Yeah, there are no actual other humans over there. When Wheeler looks for hospitable, she looks for a wide, empty space." Jessica sniggered. Cheryl just turned on her heel and stomped off, Christine in tow.
They settled down after that. Nobody noticed Crash slip in, grab some dip and a coke from the table, and slip in next to Jessie.
"Nice party... good dip," Crash Worfed.
"Crash!" Mo yelled. "You came!"
Jessie looked at Crash and smiled, and then turned to Warren, and, in her best Deanna Troi, said, "Captain... I sense a great turbulence of emotion from Lieutenant Worf. It's very powerful. He is either in the grips of an incredible, overpowering, animalistic lust... or, he really likes that dip."
"I see, Counselor," Warren-as-Picard said. "What do you suggest we do about it?"
"Well, Captain," Jessie said, "I should either jump Mr. Worf's bones right here on the bridge, or... I really need to try that dip!"
Crash scooped some dip on a chip, wiggled his finger at Jessie, and she smiled and opened her mouth. Crash popped the chip in. Jessie swallowed, and then went, "ooooooh... mmmmmm... ohhhhhh... wow... that is really good dip!"
Warren and Sophia cracked up. Mo just looked bemused and a little questioning. Crash put his arm around Jessie and said, "Madam, you can dip my chip any time."
"Is that a promise, you sexy hunk of a Klingon, you?"
"Only if you keep those claws out."
"I need a coke," Sophia interjected. "You want one, War?"
"Yeah."
"Me too, Soph?" Jessie asked.
"I'll grab yours, Jess," said Mo. "I'll go with you, Soph."
When they got out of earshot of the picnic table, Mo asked Sophia, "What is going on there?"
Sophia smiled. "We're not sure. This just started yesterday, when we all went to the beach together. It's the first time they ever met. By the time the day was over, something was sure happening."
"Wow. Good for Crash."
"Yeah. It would be great for both of them. Jessie's had one boyfriend, it lasted two years, and the ending was not pretty."
They made it back to the table. Suddenly, they heard loud yelling from another part of the yard.
"What is that?" asked Warren.
Mo didn't say anything, but Tina had no compunction. "Alison and Matt. They've been going at it for a couple weeks now. Money bet says they break up real soon." Tina hadn't quite caught what was going on between Crash and Jessie. "Hey, Crash, maybe it's a second chance opportunity for you. I do know that one of the things she screamed at him the other day was 'I never should have broken up with Jay!'"
Jessie froze, and caught her breath. She couldn't believe how hard that hit her. Shit, she had known this guy for a day! They obviously had a rapport, but still... she couldn't believe that the thought of Jay going back with Ally had made her practically paralyzed. Oh my, she thought to herself, my feelings are much stronger than I realized. I wanted to ease into this. No chance of that, if there's competition from an old flame. A competition that I'd most likely lose, anyway.
And then Crash spoke up. "Naah, Tina. Been there, done that, don't wanna do it again."
Tina, oblivious to all the looks she was getting, pushed the issue: "You mean, if she asked you to go out with her again, you'd turn her down?"
"In a shot," said Crash. "She made her bed, she can lie in it. I,"-and he shot a little look at Jessie-"am moving on in my life."
Jessie relaxed. Tina finally caught a clue, said, "Ohhhhh," and shut up.
Most everyone had drifted to the lawn or the basketball court, but Crash and Jessi
e were still over by the picnic table, settled in a lounge chair, joking and laughing and feeding each other chip dip, and grapes.
"Who brought the grapes?" Crash asked.
" I brought the grapes. I always bring grapes. Y'see, I have had this lifelong search to find a man who let me lie in his lap and feed me grapes. And, lookie here, you're feeding me grapes, and I didn't even have to ask!"
Crash was sitting in the lounge chair properly, with Jessie perched on the end. "Yeah, Jess, but you're not in my lap."
Jess rectified that quickly enough, settling in between his legs, and leaning back on him. One of his arms snaked around her waist. The other one dangled a bunch of grapes in front of her mouth. "I don't have to be told twice," Jess said, as she bit off a grape.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Jessie occasionally biting off a grape. Then she spoke, "This is very, very strange."
"What is?"
" This. I'm sitting a guy's lap, cuddling, being fed grapes-a guy I met yesterday! Crash, I don't do stuff like this. I'm notoriously wary around guys."
"Well, if it helps any, this isn't my normal MO, either."
Jessica sighed. "I'm surprising the fuck out of myself, I'll tell you. Jason, I like you. A lot. The second day I know you. And I don't quite believe it myself."
Crash just laughed. "Jessie, I like you a lot, too. We had an instant rapport, there's no denying it. And I don't believe it any more than you do."
"And, Jesus Christ, you're a Preppie! After the unmerciful ribbing I've given Sophia about Warren, I will never hear the end of this."
Crash put on his best dumb-tough-guy voice and said, "You want I should get a tattoo to hide my essential Preppiness?"
Jessie laughed, "Only if you tattoo something sentimental on your chest."
"Y'mean, like, 'Jessica'?"
"I was thinking more on the line of 'Phasers Set On Stun'." Crash laughed. "Or, maybe, 'Mother'"
"Oh, boy," said Crash. "You obviously haven't met my mother yet."
"Oh really? Does that imply that someday I will?"
"Well, when the time is right. Like five years after we're married, if I can't hold out longer than that."
Jessie laughed. "Don't want her to get Full Metal Jessica too soon?"
"Oh, no, the other way around. My mother is not for the faint of heart."
